my grandma is 85, and recently moved into a safecare facility. shes is really unhappy, but she cant live alone, and also doesnt want anyone living with her so she isnt happy at any specific location. she is saying daily that she wants to be in the ground already, and wants to die. her husband died when she was only 54, her sister and brother have both passed in the last 5-8 years. she has dementia. i dont know how to help her know her feelings are valid but its not her time yet, and some how have her be at peace with understanding that.....
I answered: "For me". "I need my Aunt".
Then we went out for ice cream in my 34' RV, and she loved it because she and her husband had frequently visited me in their huge RV in their retirement years.
meganoc, I am sorry I don't have any answer for you, but I do sympathize.
Be certain there is POA clear, advanced directive, plans for hospice and or palliative care in place. Ask questions and listen. Do not negate what is said to you. And that's the best you have. We can't, you are right, press a magic button.
There is no peace for some. Life isn't always about peace. sometimes life is about raging against the losses, against the continuing loss upon loss upon loss with no upside, upon the helplessness. We need to be heard. We need to be acknowledged. And peace comes when the last breath is drawn. Life is full of travail (as it is full of miraculous beauty). It ends when we are gone, and not before.
So simply listen. There is no more to be done. Tell her you understand. You acknowledge her pain. You wish you had a magic wand. And you feel heartbroken to her pain. There's not a fix for everything. And certainly not for this.
I've too found there can be various reasons behind this kind of death-wish talk.
"Grandma, I will be real sad when you die." "I know you are not happy right now and I understand how you feel." "Why don't we go for a little walk." Take her for a walk inside or outside if you can. Find a nice spot and sit and talk, if you have a snack handy some fruit or other treat she likes. If there is an activity that she or both of you can participate in that might be a good diversion for her. When you leave after your visit do not leave her alone in her room bring her to a common area and try to get her involved in an activity or get her something to drink so that she has something to do.
There is no reasoning with someone with dementia, so you're best to just acknowledge what she's saying and then change the subject and move on.
If nothing else works you can do what a gentleman in my caregivers support group did when he was unable to redirect his father, and that is offer ice-cream. He said it worked every time.
Also, maybe she could use an anti-depressant or an anti-anxiety med??
That has to be really hard to hear your mom saying she wants to be in the ground.