My heart goes out to all, caretakers and parents. Could you imagine being in your parents' position to know they are a burden to family?

Depending on the circumstances, caregiving can be more draining on more levels than anyone could have ever imagined.

I'm a married only child who is PoA for 3 relatives ages 93, 100 and 103. My husband has his own 88-yr old mother to oversee in a facility 3 miles from our house. His step-father had Parkinsons and assumed our family (us + 3 young sons) were going to be his "solution" while we worked full-time and had kids in school (he is now passed away, after we allowed the county to acquire guardianship of him because he didn't want to accept the only possible solution for his care when he was in debt and had no money and lived in a house with stairs, was 6'5" and his wife had cognitive decline at the same time). Adult children can only do so much. He became a burden because he wasn't at all interested on what the impact of his care had forced onto our family. I'm glad his care burden was handed off to the county. He was fed, protected and getting medical attention. It wasn't the solution he wanted but it was the only possible.

Do we love all these relatives? Yes. Can having this much responsibility feel like a burden? Yes. Would we want to be relieved of it if it was grinding our family down to a pulp mentally, physically, emotionally and financially? Yes.

The answer in our case was to find alternative solutions for them that took the burden off us as much as we needed. They may not have liked the solutions but I couldn't l@@k my family in the eye if I allowed us all to go down with the ship. And if we did, then who would be left to help our elders? It's not selfish to put on your own oxygen mask first in order to help those who are less able.

FYI facilities are not the end of the world. My MIL is in LTC gets excellent care in a wonderful facility on Medicaid. Even has a private room, gets taken out on their pontoon boat to fish, has field trips, activities, events, etc. I worked for a solid 1-1/2 years every day to get this solution for her (while I had kids and was working full time). Did she want to go into a "nursing home"? No. Did she ironically put her own mother in a nursing home? Yes.

Plan your own care solution now so that you can avoid "being a burden". Even those with humble financial means can still have a plan. Talk to a Medicaid Planner at the very least. If one doesn't plan now, this would be 100% foolishness since we will all experience age-related decline and then death.

Geaton is right, plan your own care solution now so you won't be a burden later. It is wonderful that recognize that you could be a burden to your daughter and don't want it to happen. Most of us have/had parents that didn't see it that way. I didn't do hands-on care for my father but I did manage every aspect of this life and it was a burden. He would call in the middle of my work day at my office and expect me to drop what I was doing and come and fix his tv remote....the one I just fixed 2 days ago. It may seem like a simple request but not when he expects it to take precedence over my job. "Just tell your boss your father needs your help, he will understand". Are you kidding me??? Now have this happen 50-100 a week.

My father did end up in AL for nearly 4 years. The place looked like a fancy hotel. He was monitored 24/7. He was safe. He was never 100% happy but his happiness is on him, not me.

Burden2Fam, it is sad but not uncommon that grown children complain about their parents without ever stepping into their parent's shoes to see how life is from their parents view.

I know I was clueless about my own parents aging as I was not around my grandparents and aunts/uncles aging to witness the age decline. My parents rarely complained. If they did it was eye and teeth issues, which everyone has no matter what age.

Now that I am in my mid-70's, I have noticed I have inherited some of the age decline issues my parents had. Those items are all under control with meds and having excellent doctors.

You probably are less of a burden then you really think. Is the reason your daughter does the laundry have to do where the washer and dryer are located? Mine are in the basement, not a good location as we age.

Does your daughter vacuum? I know those vacuum cleaners can be quite heavy, so I now use an old fashioned carpet sweeper, the type our own Mom's use to use. I even got rid of my dining room table and large hutch, both were major dust collectors, plus I would only use the dining room once or twice a year when relatives visited. We now eat in the kitchen. The dining room how looks calm and delightful without all that furniture.

As I get older I think of ways to make housework and cooking earlier. I do grocery shopping on-line, with either curb-side pickup or truck delivery to the house. Been doing that now for over 7 years. I did that also for my parents as it was just too exhausting since I hated grocery shopping. I was still working full-time and just didn't want to spend my whole weekend in a grocery store.

Your daughter has a lot on her plate, especially with grandchildren tugging at her. If you can help limit her responsibilities by finding way so your daughter doesn't need to do so much for you, it would a win-win for both of you.

Today's senior facilities are built and run more like hotels. My Dad loved the place where he lived. One has to budget for the cost. Dad was able to use the equity out of his house when he sold to help with the monthly rent.

I took care of both parents, which meant hands-on care and a lot of hired caregivers. Parents were both narcissists and really had no idea how difficult it was to keep them in their homes. They accepted my inconvenience as their due. Dad spent his last six months or so dying at home with a 24/7 live-in CNA, two or three relief aides, me and another person there when we needed to be. I did shopping, driving to doctors and chemo, making appointments, cooking, home repair, planning for visitors, supervising the help, housekeeper, physical therapist, speech therapist, then the multiple people necessary for hospice in the home. I handled his business affairs, lawyers and the girlfriend that my mother supposedly knew nothing about. The last month or two he thought he was in a hospital and seemed to be trying to figure that out. One day he said, “it’s so easy to set up a hospital in your own home, I don’t know why everyone doesn’t do it.” Yeah, well, I was struggling with health and other issues, and it was miserable for me. Then he died and my Mother started dying, which took 5 more years, but she was clueless about how hard it was to take care of her. Based on these and stories of other caregivers, I’m pretty sure that their caregivers’ difficulties aren’t even on most peoples’ radar screens. No guilt, no worries, just me me me because they’re so sick they’ve lost all cognizance of anything outside themselves.

If you don’t want to be a burden to your children plan and save for your elder years. Children have every right to complain if parents make themselves a burden to their kids.

Parents don't have to be a burden to their children. They choose to be a burden by refusing to move into a more senior friendly housing scenario like if they live in a house with stairs moving into a single level home. Same with living rural and far away from medical services. Or moving into an apartment with no yard upkeep and maintenance. Refusing to have a housekeeper a couple of days a week. Refusing public transport to get to doctor appointments. Regusing grocery delivedies. Not wanting to go to adult day care or respite to give their adult child a break. Expecting adult children who may be in their senior years or have physical ailments do everything for them.

Yes getting old sucks and is hard. But do seniors have to make everyone miserable because they refuse to face reality about their limitations and make arrangements to spread the jobs to help the senior around to multiple people and agencies.

No one wants to be a burden. That is quite true. However, it doesn't change the facts, and often those who are a burden cost the time, the life, the savings, even the health of their caregivers. I am 80. I have made it crystal clear to my kids all my life that they are not to take on care of me no matter WHAT. I have worked hard and saved even harder to see to it I have funds for my care. Much of that will come to health and ability not to outlive funds, but whatever care I need s/p having funds for it, I hope will not be a burden that my kids will for a second consider sacrificing their lives on the altar to. At 80, my eldest is 60. She is just now coming down to that time when son raised and put through school, husband retired and she soon retiring in a few years, when she has that window of last time that she can enjoy for herself. I loved my 60s and 70s when we built and enjoyed a small part time cabin, watched nature, chopped wood. That last time that was mine. I would never want my child to give that up to care for me. It is very SAD that when we come to the end of our time some of us are unwell, and need care. We are lucky enough (or not) to live in a country that will keep a roof over our heads in those last years if needed (usually). I was raised that the parents have children, sacrifice a lot of raise them, and then send them out into their own lives and live what remaining years they have best they can. It sounds cruel to many. And many choose the older ways where family cares for family until family is laid out in the parlor for a mourning period. It is all about options and choices and we all do the best we can.
By the nature of being a "caregiver Forum" this will hear the moans and groans of the generation that chose and undertook care of some kind, in some manner for their loved ones. They have a right to this private area to come and vent. And as do YOU, and we appreciate for certain hearing your side of it. But trust me, there is guilt and pain enough to go around (I always encourage the other G-word, grief, in stead of guilt. _) Life is, tough, as the old adage goes, and then we die. Hopefully between the tough times are moments of grace and beauty; we kind of have to pull them out kicking and screaming often enough.
You ask if some will be relieved when the parent is gone. Yes. They will be. When my Dad first died, in his 90s, I felt NOTHING but relief. He was so ready to go and so often had told me he was tired and only wished to "nap" forever. For my Mom it was more a mix of relief and pain, as she was so intent, even in her 90s, to live and draw joy from life. But mostly it was RELIEF. That they had good lives they loved. That they never had to suffer again. That they were at rest. That I never had to live in fear and pain for them and what they had to suffer. Pure relief. Lives well lived. Lucky lives I could celebrate for the rest of my own, and know they were/are always with me.

I always say if you don't want to be a burden to someone, don't be.
If you know you need care and that you're going to get worse, make some arrangements for yourself now while you're still able to.
Move into a senior living facility now that can also meet your needs as the increase. Take care of business now so your daughter doesn't get stuck with having to later.
If your daughter wants you to stay with her and doesn't want you to move out, hire a homecare aide to help you out now. If you can afford it hire a cleaning lady to clean the home once a week.
I believe that there are seniors out there who actually mean it when they say they don't want to be a burden to their family. It's unusual but they exist.
Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do about your granddaughters using their mother as a free nanny and daycare center. The only one who can put the brakes on that is your daughter. She has to be the one who stops allowing her daughters to take advantage of her, but you can relieve some of that burden too. Pay for the kids to go to daycare if you can or hire a babysitter.
There are things you can do to help your daughter and not become a burden to her.

My mother has no idea she was a burden. She felt entitled to me, 24/7. When she demanded I choose between caring for her or raising my children, I chose my children and placed her in care. Never, ever could I have imagined she’d be so self-absorbed, demanding and abusive. Yet she remained a martyr, certain she was blessing us and the world with her presence. (She is alive - I use the past tense because she has since forgotten who we are) I am very much afraid that one day I’ll become like her, and have told my kids I don’t ever want to do to them what she did to me. And have my grandkids (assuming my kids one day have kids) fear me. And so we are saving and simplifying now. (not downsizing - kids still at home) My husband and I don’t want our old age to become our kids’ problem.

Well Burden2Fam,
My parents don't care that they are a responsibility and sometimes a chore to me and my husband. They look at that it is my duty to care for them. Neither of these people cared for their parents or helped their siblings out when they were begged. Their excuses were a mile long.
The fact that they never went to doctor consistently hasn't helped either. My mom's healthcare maintenance never ends.
My father's anxiety never ends. My mom is now asking who will take care if something happens you. So I said the truth you will have to move where my sibling lives or become a ward of the state. She was speechless. The past couple of months have been terrible and it won't be changing soon or ever at all. So yes
I will feel some relief when I am no longer expected to be the end all to them.

What kind of a mother knows she's a "burden2fam" and then continues to BE a burden, knowing her health issues are worsening and her daughter is in pain and needs surgery? That's the "heartbreaking" part of your post.

Quit making excuses about nursing homes, apply for Medicaid, and find one for yourself where you'll have lots of people your age to talk to every day. 🙄

You may be right in saying that you “rarely ask for anything”, and that your daughter just “makes small meals, washes clothes. .main things”. However many many older people say the same, when in fact they expect round the clock attention, at the double, and are rarely grateful. How do you cope with your 'lots of health problems', without a bit more help?

The ages in your post are a bit hard to grasp. Your profile says that you care for your mother age 73. Your own daughter has “adult daughters” (your grandchildren) who “just want to put their little ones on her”, these little ones being your great grandchildren and your 73 year old mother’s great great grandchildren. ?? Perhaps she prefers the children’s company to yours? Perhaps she too “will be relieved when parents are gone”.

If your daughter “needs surgery and constantly has bad pain”, the best way to help her is to get out of her hair. Find yourself somewhere safe and pleasant, and move!

If you feel that you are a burden then do something for yourself.
Look into Assisted Living if you can. If you need a lot of help medically it is possible that Skilled Nursing might be an option. And current Skilled Nursing facilities are not like the "old nursing homes" of the past.
Look into hiring caregivers for yourself.
Set up an agreement with your daughter and pay her for the help that she is giving you.
There are programs that can help provide help if needed.
Contact your area Agency on Aging, your local Senior Center may have a Social Worker that can help determine if you are eligible for any help. It is possible that your daughter could be paid for helping you.
If you are a Veteran the VA might be of help. If you were or are married to a Veteran the VA might be able to help.

October 2022 post.

Interesting post, important subject matter too, but this is a very old thread.

Why are these old posts recycled all of the time and new posts get lost in the shuffle?

I posted something not long ago and a poster responded saying that I hadn’t responded to the answers.

Well, I had responded to the answers that I saw but then the post didn’t come up for me to see any of the responses. So, it wasn’t like I had been ignoring them.

I would like to know why the mods don’t keep current posts on top and who cares about old threads that aren’t particularly relevant anymore. Just saying…

I hated seeing old posts of mine that would pop up from a long time ago, my mom had already died and the old posts from when she was suffering brought back very bad memories for me.

Some caregiving situations are just extra hard . My cluster B personality disordered/ history of pill popping/hoarder mother showed up after 10 years needing help and major surgery. Everyone here told me to back away. I didn’t, but am working with an elder lawyer to get Immediate POa (should be signed tomorrow) and get her affairs in order before the operation. Since October I’ve helped get her house clean (er) , paid pest control , helped her out of a financial hole and imminent shut off of power. We are soon to have a loan agreement signed and the house deeded to me to help me recover my money from her estate. It’s a lady bird deed that protects from Medicaid estate recovery.
Ive spent more time in her nasty house around her smoking than I can stand.
I’ve ran up the miles on my new ish car that was supposed to last me many years taking her to the big city for medical care, when Im afraid of big city driving.
My husband has used up vacation days helping.
And this is the “easy” part. Im sure all kinds of challenges are in store with her post surgery. History of hospital delerium, plus her drug seeking behaviors. Im sure we’ll have some hard choices to make at dish charge from hospital or rehab (assuming she does not try and leave AMA, also a history of that).
So yes, she is a burden. I had a childhood and early adulthood that would make a therapist gasp because of her. I don’t even like her.

In contrast, my in-laws will be able to handle their own nursing home funding, are sane, live in a normal house etc. They will not be a burden.

Oedgar23.

Good luck !! . I hope you and your marriage survive all that . I also hope that you don’t plan on being your mother’s caregiver should all this go south post surgery/ rehab . If she continues to need caregiving , please arrange permanent placement in a facility , and take back your previous life .

Wow.

I'd reply honestly, but I know it would be flagged and deleted. I'm glad you care so much about your daughter. Not all of us daughters are so fortunate.

Burden2Fam,

(I see now that this is an old thread, but unless I'm misreading you posted a follow-up reply earlier today.)

I'd be thrilled if my own mother were able to get on the internet as you do. 

Is there really no online community where you might find some support? (Does anyone have recommendations for B2F?)

I'm not sure what "ppk" means but when you write "I could tell a lot about nursing homes that most ppk don't know" I really feel for you. I spent a month in a nursing home at a family member's bedside (nights too--this was before Covid) and I saw and experienced things.  Maybe this place was especially bad. I don't know. The paramedics told me it was one of the better ones.

I really hope you're able to find someone to talk to. I'm sorry I don't know of any online groups to recommend. For whatever it's worth, know that the isolation and sadness you are feeling has been experienced by many before you and will be experienced by many who come after you.

I don't think you should call yourself a "burden." The challenges discussed in this forum are much bigger than any single individual. 

To those who planned/worked/saved: I think it's possible to do that and still have things go very wrong. Jane Gross's memoir A Bittersweet Season is instructive in this regard. 

Private equity is hoovering up care facilities. So I guess we'll all scrimp and save for decades and then hand ourselves over to be sucked dry for shareholder profit. Yay.

Find a facility that suits you and go there. That way your beloved daughter will no longer be burdened and can get on with her life.

Have you been to a care facility lately? Whatever you think about nursing homes must come from the dark ages. The last one I visited had fun activities and people dedicated to making the residents happy.

Which you are not.

Instead of feeling sorry for yourself you could be with friends who enjoy your company.

As for not asking for anything, my mom thought that too. Yet at age 72 she decided that she wasn’t going to do anything for herself because she’d been doing “everything for everyone else all my life.” (This wasn’t true. She was a mostly self-absorbed woman who shopped and lunched every day and engaged in no activities that didn’t benefit her.)

It became others’ job to get her to the doctor after making her appointments, taking her to lunch and malls, emergency room etc etc endlessly. But she “didn’t want to be a bother” which she pretty much ensured as soon as she declared she wasn’t going to take care of herself. Age 72 to 95 - equals 23 years of “not asking for anything.” Auughh!

Both of my folks have said multiple times that I don't need to worry about them and that they don't want to be a bother/burden. Every time, I respond by telling them that they spent a whole lot of years worrying about me, so now it's my turn, as well as it is my highest honor to care for those who cared for me.

There are those who do everything in their power to never be a "burden", they don't want to be a dependent on anyone and they don't want anyone to have to give up their lives to take care of them - and their family would rarely if ever consider them a burden or call them one - even when it feels like you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders to take care of them.

And then there are those who quite literally do not care. They never even consider if they are a burden on their families because they have never considered their families and their lives in the equation at all. These are the people that never planned any other long term care option EXCEPT for their children or some other family member to take care of them for the duration - regardless of how it impacted their family. AND they likely never asked their family members or indicated in any way that was the plan. They just become the emergent "temporary" option that then becomes the permanent solution.

THAT is what is a burden. When they don't ever consider others by either having no plan - or if they can have no other plan - not discussing their plans with their family members ahead of time and ensuring that what they want or need to do also fits in with their chosen caregiver's life plan.

The definition of a burden - a duty or misfortune that causes hardship, anxiety, or grief; a nuisance. My mother would never be a burden - because she has always been a wonderful mother and I would move mountains to take are of her. My FIL - is an abusive narcissist - who was physically, emotionally, verbally, and mentally abusive to his children - and the only abuse absent now is the physical. He has made my DH and his sister feel like they were a burden to HIM every day of their lives. As his caregivers - they feel a duty to take care of him now -but in every since of the word, his care is a burden. Because he did not do his job as a father and now they are forced into the role of caregivers.

So I absolutely agree. I cannot imagine feeling like a burden to my children. But my children have never been a burden to me and I will do my absolute best to ensure that I have done all that I can to plan for my long term care so that my children don't have to.

As a caregiver, my Dad says over and over again he doesn't want to be a burden — but then when I ask him to do things for himself, he gets upset and angry and says I'm guilt-tripping him for not planning, I'm making him feel bad, and his favorite line "it's easier if you just do it." (My response "easier for who?") So the best way not to be a burden is to make plans while you can and inform your daughter what they are, and be ready to accept the help she can offer without assuming she's going to do things she didn't agree to do.