My husband and I are starting to have to think about where my MIL will live, and I DON'T want her moving in with us. How can I convince him?

Why do you need to convince him of ANYTHING?? He can’t move anyone into the marital home without your consent. This isn’t 1930. If you file for divorce and can’t agree on handling assets, a judge will order the house sold. Reminding him of these truths should straighten him out, unless of course a divorce is what he’s really after.

If you want to be divorced in 6 months, go for it. You think you have a lot to deal with now, just wait. You, and I mean you, will have to be there for her 24/7. Making 3 meals a day, laundry, transportation, eventually bathing, changing diapers. You will lose your life. Get her in AL and get a nest camera so you can check in on her throughtout the day and night. She will have a minimum of ten people coming thru her room throughtout the day, way more than she will see at your house. They have activities and make a real effort to get them out of their room. If she choses to sit all day, so be it. It's not your responsibility to keep her entertained. That is what my MIL does all day even thought she is perfectly able to get up and do things. I couldn't take looking at a depressed, complaining person all day. She is with others like herself. An added bonus of our particular AL, which was totally unexpected, is that all the caretakers, and I mean ALL, treat her so nice and lovingly. They even help her with getting PJ's on, tuck her in bed and hug and kiss her goodnight. Some even tell her they love her. Not sure she would get that at our home. Stand your ground on this one.

Scarlett - where are you?
My mother was in facilities and they were quite nice to very nice. Why not tour some with your hub so he can see for himself? Hands down "No" to having her live with you in an addition or otherwise. She will need more and more care. Ask him how he will provide that. It's not on you to look after her.

It's a terrible idea. I moved dad in 8 years ago, he has his own living room (My old office I really wanted and I'm in the basement for work). He has a nice bright bedroom and a hall bath. We have to drive him everywhere, eat with him and we really get no privacy.
I thought it would be a good idea but now I'm not too happy nor is my wife. If you have other options take them.

You have only been married for four years and some of these responses are treating this like a business decision. Who gives a crap whether adding an addition to your home increases the resale value. This is your everyday life we are talking about here, not a house appraisal. The issue is that you are newly married and don't really care to spend long periods of time with this woman let alone become her care giver and it sounds like she truly needs care and socialization. Neither is your responsibility, but if she moves onto the premises, it will fall back on you. Do not let anyone guilt you into taking this on...not even your husband. Help your husband find a well suited facility, help your husband get her moved, help your husband deal with the emotional fall out of having an aging parent. Do not agree to move her in, because he will not be the one managing her and her care....it will be you.

Seems you have stated your case very clearly in this post. Show it to him. If that doesn't "work," I suggest meeting with a counsellor to discuss her housing options and create a plan to deal with her negative behavior when you are with her - wherever you live. Please read any of the "boundary" books by Townsend and Cloud. They outline a good method to create a plan to deal with difficult behavior. They also suggest making sure to have supportive people in your life to encourage you while implementing your plans.

Oh my goodness you could be describing my Mother. I have been married 30 years to a wonderful supportive man. I would NEVER move my mother in with us. As strong as our bond is, I do believe her living with us would totally destroy it. I made the difficult decision to put my mother in a nursing home pending Medicaid approval which we just received after a 5month wait. I am in Texas if that makes any difference. Best of luck and I do hope he changes his mind.

Isthisrealyreal,

Medicaid is a federal program. It is administered by each state's social services programs.
My point was a senior does not have to go without care in any state. When a senior goes into facility care, their income gets taken for their care as you know. What it doesn't cover gets picked up by Medicaid after their assets have been spent down on care.
There are seniors who are over-incomed and do not qualify for Medicaid to pay for homecare service. It happens. That doesn't mean the elder is just left to die in the street. Sometimes they have to go to facility care. You'll never hear me say that's the best option, but sometimes it's the only one and it's better than nothing.
I don't appreciate people getting told over here (not by you) in a support group that they will have no other choice than to take an elder in and provide care if the elder can't pay for themselves. This is simply not true and not helpful to anyone.
People join a group like this to benefit and learn from the experiences of others not to be told they have no choices.

the hate and confusion on this thread has been duly reported

Vjg6727,

I received an excellent education on Medicare because my cousin is a licensed Medicare agent (she does insurance). So she knows the ins and outs of Medicare and helped me when my father went into care.
Seniors in America over the age of 65 qualify for Medicare. True, there are some who don't like the ones who never paid into it. Those people are on Medicaid. Or their insurance coverage is from their job and part of their retirement.
Please, don't embarrass yourself further by telling me I need to get educated about Medicaid. I worked for my state's Department of Social Serices (DSS) for some time, so I know how Medicaid works.
Every senior can get care if they need it. Granted, it might not be great care or done on their terms but they can get it. There is something called a Medicaid Spend-Down. This means the senior needing care cannot hold onto assets and properties and preserve potential inheritances for their families while Medicaid picks up their tabs.
Medicaid doesn't usually pay for live-in homecare either. They do pay for care facility placement. Yes, a senior's monthly income gets taken if they go into a care facility. Yes, their assets have to be spent-down on their care before Medicaid kicks in, but Medicaid will kick in. I need to mention I'm referring to elderly American citizens. Not people illegally in the U.S. or people who have brought their elderly family members to this country then try to get them on Medicaid. I believe such people have to live here five years or around that long, I'm not certain.
YOU specifically told the OP that there would be no choice and she'd have to take her MIL in.
I'm challenging you to show some proof of that being a fact. Obviously, you're unable to produce such a thing so you go on the defensive.
Look, you are mistaken, Own it without resorting to bullying.

Vjg6727,

No, I don't even think so, You have no clue what you're talking about. Throwing around all the nasty language you like does not change that fact.
There's no law saying people have to take in their elderly family members and become caregivers to them.
I challenge you to find such a law and post it here so we can all see it.
Im pretty sure no such thing exists.

Hello all. Both my parents are in their mid 80s and live independently. My dad is starting to show signs of early dementia. My siblings and I rotate checking in on them. I am sure that soon we will have to start thinking about alternative care.

Had to say all of that just so you know where I stand. I come to this site to learn from the experience of others. I must say I am surprised at the lack of empathy and humanity that I see from many on this site. Our parents may not be perfect but for many of us took care of us and spent many a sleepless nights cleaning up our pooh and vomit so IMHO one good turn deserves another. I’m not saying that the OP has to bring her MIL to the home I just think that the planning for her care should be done with love and kindness.

We will all be old and dependent on others one day. I hope you all are putting enough money away to pay for your care or senior living one day. This way you won’t be a burden on anyone.

Hope you all have a wonderful day.

Seriously, I would not move her in with you. I would try finding another option at all cost. I have a mother just like her, and it will cause you so much stress. It can also cause serious health problems, remember she will probably have more health issues as she gets older.

"We have only been married for a couple of years, and I think this is a terrible idea. We need our private space with our kids (blended family). I'm very concerned - and have told him so - that her presence will cause problems with our marriage."

This is an extremely important and valid concern. You two have two goals to work on at the same time. That is more than most couples have to do. 1. Your marital identity which takes plenty of private space and energy. 2. Your parental identity as a team. My goodness, you two and your blended family don't need any new goals right now! The glue of your marriage and family is still very wet with only two years. Please focus on 1 and 2, but don't add three. That will create an unhealthy emotional triangle with you two and her as well as with your children and her. Please don't do this. Did ya'll have a chance to talk about such things before getting married? If not, this might be a good focus for the two of you to meet with a marital therapist about.

your husband is annoyed yet feels guilty - how would you feel if it were your mom, and your husband didn't want her there!. not saying she should be with you but it does put your husband in an awkward position! it would be difficult bc you MIL complains and wants attention - her living with you even in an addition, would def put a strain on your marriage! she would constantly want her son to be with her, i don't think she would really ever be satisfied! you and your husband have to meet halfway - he needs to know that it could, not would, but could def have an impact on the two of you. you know maybe if you were to go with her, to senior places, where they have entertainment etc but get to go back home, it might help her to see there are other things out there! you have to look at it from the MIL point of view - she is older, scared and unsure of what to do! can you have a nice chat with her and tell her she is loved but she should at least try to go places. let her think she is making the decision, you may be surprised.

Scarlettotara: Just say "No, MIL is not moving in here" and refuse to agree with any of the other preposterous ideology.

You don't have to convince your husband of anything.
It takes two people in a marriage to agree on important decisions.

If you say No, if you disagree, Mil is not moving in.

Owning a home together, it is the same. If you do not agree to sign the refinance papers, or spend the money, it is a No.

Women do not understand fully the power they do have. They already have that power. Just say "NO".

@NannaJ
I am no hypocrite.
The answer remains factual.
But I see there are a LOT of emotional tree stumps in this forum.
Me me me me me
What a great message to send to your kids.

Leave her in her home until it becomes absolutely necessary to move her. Get in home care as well. They can prolong her being able to live in her own home. If assisted living is not affordable she’ll have to move in with you. If you leave her in her home and an emergency arises where an ambulance has to go get her there is a chance adult services will be called due to neglect. Eventually though she’ll have to be moved and if she can’t afford assisted living she will have to live with you. Unfortunately those are your only options.

Do not allow your MIL to move into your house for any reason. Do not build an extension on your home so she can have her own living quarters.
This sounds nice, but it will not be like what your husband thinks it will be. Your entire house will become her space. Then will come the competing with you for your husband's attention and affection. Then will come the instigating trouble, the incessant complaining, and the staged attention falls and fabricated health crises. She'll start doing this as a form of entertainment or because she wants to sabotage some special occasion that doesn't involve her.
I've been an in-home caregiver for almost 25 years. I've seen many couples get broken up because an alpha MIL gets moved in.
Please don't do it.

One queen in a hive. No truer words have ever been said. You will have nothing but misery if you move her in. If you think she treats your husband bad and is demanding now, move her in then see what your lives become.

Find her an AL or senior community that she can afford.

First step would be asking her if she would consider moving into assisted living, it sounds like she hasnt been asked. After that maybe the first step could be a carer to go to her and a medical alarm that she wears if she falls or needs help. it could be suggested to her that if that doesnt work out that she would need to consider assisted living. I feel she she needs to be consulted in these decisions and you need to be honest with her about the need for you and your husband to have space for your marraige and family, but you are wanting to help in some way. They sometimes need to be reminded the picture is bigger than what they see and they need reassurance that you are there for them no matter what. A hard thing for a new marraige to go through I hope it goes well for you.

Couples counseling and perhaps role reversal practice.

I would not bring your mother-in-law in. She would make everyone unhappy. The investment in an addition would be wasted. Better to visit different facilities together. There are many options. It only becomes more difficult as individuals age.

Be sure to get your ducks in a row before you struggle like DH & I do with his mother.

My in-laws buried their heads in the sand and now my MiL is in AL and hating it, but my husband and I agreed that she is NEVER coming to live with us. She has too many problems and refuses to get the proper care or cooperate.

The ALF even has trouble with her. We met with the facility director and we’re informed she never leaves her room or allows it to be cleaned. I said that was unacceptable and that they had the right & duty to clean the room and make sure she is clean. She will be in for a surprise. We can’t deal with her but did send her a note that if she didn’t cooperate she would lose her dog.

MIL’s mental state needs to be addressed and the dog is a crutch and suffers terribly because of her.

Assisted living are terrible places

Think long and hard about this. What she can do today, will only get harder later. If your husband is like mine was, they are non-existent helpers. Prepare yourself for urinary tract infections (which make her mean and very nasty). Changing bedsheets every morning. Putting a baby monitor in her room just so you know she is safe and hasn't fallen. Calling off work because you need to take her to the doctors, shopping, errands etc. My MIL hated all the "day caregivers" I hired... She even ran them off. I adored my Mother-in-Law. But the last few years were so taxing, when the hospice people finally came in, they were more worried about me than her. I aged a hundred years the last few of her life. If it's avoidable, I'd advise against it.
I'm 62 years young right now. I still actively work (from home) and my own mother lives with me. (I didn't learn my lesson the first go around) Is this really what I want to do for the rest of my active years? Caring for elderly is NOT for the faint of heart. Hugs to you. Not an easy decision.

Have the two of you toured senior apartments and assisted living facilities? Those places are amazing these days. That might be all the convincing he needs.

I got as far as Helpformom24s response and that was enough for me. Read her response several times, and then have your DH read it several times. Her mom is 98 and she's sleeping on a couch next to her every night while her DH sleeps alone in their bedroom. Is THIS the life you want? Your MIL has diabetes, to add insult to injury, which by itself can and often does wreak HAVOC (medically) on everyone who has to deal with it. My sister in law lost her foot up to the mid calf a while ago thanks to diabetes, which was only one of 12 issues she suffered, including cirrhosis of the liver and kidney failure. She died at 65 years old; we went thru her medications which were housed in a suitcase! That's how many there were: 26 in all that needed to be sorted into AM/Noon/Mid afternoon/late afternoon/evening and night dosages! Horrible existence the woman led. I could write a book.

I will tell you that my parents lived in an Assisted Living residence for 7 years, and an Independent Living apartment for seniors prior to that for 3 years. Both places were phenomenal. Like hotels, really. Anyone who tells you what 'horrible places' they are haven't a CLUE what they're talking about. We should all be so lucky to be able to afford such luxury and autonomy in our old age, let me tell you. Your MIL will THRIVE in such an environment, vs. living with you where she will get NO social stimulation and rely only on your DH (and you) to keep her entertained. And food, which will ramp up her diabetes and keep you taking her back & forth to a variety of doctors for her entertainment.

I hope you can talk some sense into your husband for the sake of your marriage. Go check out some affordable ILs and ALs in your area and get brochures to bring home. Set them down on the kitchen table and look them over with your husband AFTER you've gone on tour of a few of them. Be the salesperson so you can talk the places up, reminding him you can go visit MIL several times a week and have a better relationship as a result. Plus, you'll save $100K in the process.

Don't let 'guilt' drive your decisions here. Anyone telling you "how will you feel when the end arrives?" doesn't understand that there are MANY ways to care for an elder. In home is NOT the only way to do so! Believe me when I tell you there are a TON OF THINGS TO DO for your loved one while they are living in managed care as it is! It's not like we drop them off in their new apartment and adios, it's all over. In many ways, the work just begins at that point! I know from where I speak on that, believe me.

FWIW, I grew up with my grandmother living in our home; my mother fought with her tooth & nail, ruining MY childhood in the process. Yet mom was 'doing the right thing' by having grandma living with us. That was her nonsensical thought process, yet everyone in the house was MISERABLE as a result! Had my mother used her head, grandma would have gone into managed care and EVERYONE would have been happier as a result, including grandma who was verbally abused on a daily basis. People never seem to take those kinds of things into account when considering home care, and think "Oh it's UTOPIA for everyone & flowers & rainbows prevail." I'm here to tell you that's BS in many cases!

Wishing you the best of luck preserving your marriage AND finding your MIL a lifestyle that preserves HER dignity and autonomy at the same time, b/c that is the real goal here: for EVERYONE to be happy.

Can you bring in part time/full time Caregiver to where she is now.. I only read response of "Little Orchid" below. I 100% agree.

Just saying, the only times I have known of multi-generational families working at all were those times when Grandma moved in to help with childcare and housework early in the game--and kept quiet about Mom and Dad's business. Even then there were ups and downs, but grandma played an important role in keeping the family afloat financially, doing all the housework, cooking, and daytime childcare while the parents worked.

I have never known of a case where grandma moved late in life where it was anything but a disaster. However good the intentions might be, the result is terrible. The couple cannot get away from the irritations of attempting to care for someone whose disabilities are growing and whose abilities are declining. The addition of a separate dwelling unit is unimportant. If she cannot care for herself in her own home, she will not be able to care for herself in your home either.

Your husband has not thought realistically about what is really involved in caring for someone who needs care. Speak your mind now and be sure that you are heard. Insist that he face the fact that the falls and mobility issues are just the beginning. Invest that $100,000 in helping her to buy into a continuing care community. These can be very nice, but she may only be able to afford a more mediocre one. Too bad, but she will simply have to accept that whatever it is that she can afford is what she will have to accept. What we get in retirement is what we saved for when we were working. It is not fair for old people to expect their children to give them what they did not prepare for. (I say this as a 71 year-old who would never dream of moving into her children's home. I hope that my savings and investments will keep my life pretty much as it is now, but if I do something stupid and lose my money I would live in a Medicaid facility before I would move in on my sons.)

You are newlyweds. You have a blended family with children who need your time and attention. You are NOT super-human beings with endless energy, bottomless finances, and patience of saints (unless you forgot to tell us these things in your post). This is a BAD idea. Noble - but bad. Try to have a heart to heart with your DH and try to come up with a better plan. Maybe a small house nearby with an aide for 4 to 6 hours a day, medical alert device, and camera surveillance?