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My husband and my sister in law are actively trying to make me a caregiver for my 88 years old father in law who just got out from a hospital. We have been married only for 6 months. Prior to this I didn’t get along with my father in law because I didn’t like his misogynistic attitude. I always had them over for dinner every Sunday I cook most of the time but when my husband helped me set the table he would tell him to let me do it because “it’s a wife’s job.” When I wore miniskirt during summer he made me feel very uncomfortable. Those are only a few examples. I don’t want him around.


I stay at home. But I am financially independent because my parents are relatively wealthy. I am 37 years old. We plan to have a baby very soon but I don’t think that is even possible because I don’t see taking care of a newborn and an elderly at the same time.


My husband feels that I should want/willing to do this because he is my father in law.


Anything I can do besides divorcing my husband? My husband talked with his dad about assisted living but it didn’t go well.


Thanks!

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Hi Katie,
This is a perfect example of why marriage is hard work.
I can't imagine anything more of a trial to a new marriage.
I don't know a lot of people who would think it was a great idea to move in with their kids 6 months into their marriage.
I'm assuming that, at 88, the move seems more permanent than not? Could he live at home and have aides in to help?
If you aren't seriously ready to divorce, then talk with your husband and meet with a marriage counselor to facilitate some two way communication, so that you can work through this difficult issue as a husband and wife team. It sounds like your husband may be feeling a bit trapped by his father as well. The counseling can offer both of you support in ways to handle his side of the family.
Best of luck,
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No one is "making" you do anything. If you allow your husband and SIL to walk all over you it's because you lie down. It doesn't matter what the issue is - caregiving for their father, cooking a 20 course meal, etc. - if you accept how they treat you then you have taught them that it's okay to treat you like that.

Why would you want to have a child with a man who clearly shares at least some of his father's attitudes? You are correct that you cannot raise a baby and be a caregiver to a (demanding) old man (who you don't even like) at the same time.

Since you have money, you have options. You've only been married for 6 months. That's a short enough time to end things, start afresh and live the life that you want for yourself.
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Katie,

Your posting truly touches my heart.

I had fertility issues for years! I tried IVF three times. All failed.

I know first hand how devastating it is.

So I truly empathize with you and your husband.

I went through hell and back trying to conceive a child. Treatment is costly and time consuming.

It became necessary for me to stop working at my job due to numerous doctor appointments, lab work, IVF procedures, major corrective surgery, (endometriosis) etc.

For my own sanity I decided to get off of the emotional roller coaster and adopt a child.

After waiting for 18 months with the adoption agency we were blessed with a beautiful baby girl and were thrilled to be parents!

Several years later without the help of fertility doctors I got pregnant with our second child. She was a very welcome surprise!

Both of our daughters are miracles!

I sincerely hope that your dream of becoming a mom comes true.

You have received wonderful advice from each poster on this page. I agree with the advice offered.

There is no need for me to repeat the good advice that you have received.

So, I will leave you with these thoughts.

I wholeheartedly agree that your father in law is NOT your responsibility.

NEVER cave to an ultimatum!

NEVER let others decide what is best for you.

You are quite capable of making your own decisions.

Remember one word that is of the utmost importance regarding being caregiver to ‘dear old dad’ “NO!”

One last thing, I have walked in your shoes regarding infertility.

I never take for granted that our prayers were answered.

If you need a shoulder to lean on or someone to listen to your heartaches, I am here. I mean that.

My girls are grown, 32 and 24.

I am 65 years old now. I cared for my mom for 15 years in my home and my girls were not newborns when mom came to live with us.

I have to tell you that caregiving is hard work! I can’t imagine doing it with a newborn.

I was 33 when we brought our darling baby girl home from the adoption agency and 40 when I gave birth to my other precious daughter. So, don’t give up!

I volunteered for in my community and throughout neighboring states for many years.

I served on our local auxiliary board with the agency we adopted through.

I took extensive training courses to do outreach work and led workshops in high schools to speak about adoption.

I listened to a million people’s experiences about infertility and adoption.

I am personally connected to this topic. I lived it myself and came out on the other side.

I know how it feels to long for a child.

Wishing you all the best and hoping that all of your dreams come true in 2021!

It’s been a tough year for all of us and I sincerely hope that everyone has wonderful experiences in the upcoming New Year.
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They will never respect your no if you waffle. Make it a firm no each and every time they ask. People who try to unload their responsibilities on someone else will often resort to trickery or wearing you down. Just this one time can easily make you the object of their gaslighting and manipulation.

If I may say this doesn’t sound like a positive start to a marriage. Tread very carefully and keep your eyes open.
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This arrangement could take up the next 30 years of your life. Is this how you WANT to spend it?
Yes. Run.
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Dear Katie,
run, run, run!

hugs!
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Where is Dad now? Do not bring him into your home! Also rethink the kid thing with the husband. Unless you are ok with doing 95% of the work. My ex wanted kids in the worst way. It never occurred to me to ask how he envisioned our jobs as parents. While he was ok with changing a diaper, if he had other things that needed to be done, he was not 'on duty'. And he would never leave work in the event of a sick child. All that falls to the mom....and I was the one with the big job, not him.

As far as FIL is concerned. No one can make you do anything. If you husband moves Dad in, you either move out or get a job and be unavailable. Also don't put up with anything rude from FIL. Give it right back to him.
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Katie, if it makes you feel any better, your dealing with "dad" not "mom" then you would really be in trouble.

After a few "women's" work and "serve me" comments, a few meals got taken away and thrown in the trash. As for the inappropriate comments, throw one back. I have some if you need them. If it gets to inappropriate touching, a good slap in the face will work.

In my situation, standing up for yourself worked alot better with "dad" than mom.
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Katie, I'm glad you are considering going to stay with your parents for awhile. You have only been married six months and this is a HUGE, huge RED FLAG!

The idea that your husband and SIL are trying to put the care of THEIR dad on you is beyond selfish. THEY can put dad into a care facility.

I agree with Garden Artist's post that there are many areas of concern here. I'm glad your finances are separate, and I hope you are able to have a long heart to heart talk with somebody who truly loves you (your parents maybe?) as to if you should continue on in this marriage. The fact that your husband is EXPECTING you to do this is a huge concern imo. I would also tell that SIL to take a hike.

Please don't let them do this to you.
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The situation sounds like a convenient situation for your inlaws and new husband. If your husband is so thrilled about you being the caretaker of his father, then he can stay home and do so. It never does go well when talking to someone about going to an assisted living facility, but, in honesty, you and your husband need to have time with just the two of you as a married couple, without taking care of a 60+-year-old child. Leave it to the professionals. The marriage vows do not include taking care of your husband or wife's family members. I have found that where there is money involved it comes down to when an inheritance is going to be reduced by putting a loved one in a facility, there is a 99% chance of an argument. But, it doesn't work having your in-laws or even parents living with you. A parent will always be a parent and will control the household to their guidelines. No going out as you will have to take care of the parent or get a babysitter per se. Go with your GUT, don't worry about getting people pissed off, let the marbles roll and cookie crumble, if your husband and other family members don't like your definitive NO, then so be it. Don't let their influence dictate.
Wishing you the best in a very challenging situation.
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Katie, I like GardenArtist's advice below the best.

Some additional questions... where is fil now? What are his issues? What are his finances? (Can he afford a facility?)

It will never work out having fil live with you. And I'm concerned that your H's attitude towards women is much the same as fil's. Did he treat your mil that way, do you know? And did she put up with it? Because if she did, that was what your H saw, and what you will be expected to do.
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Can your husband&sister in law take turns with their dad? Are both working full time? Do they have other siblings? Use your mental health IQ! Know boundaries for you. It's easier to take up a job than being a caregiver. To be tired physically requires rest to be tired mentally requires all of the above plus counseling. Here's a good book by Dr. Cloud & Townsend, Boundaries. My husband& his vmom often would put things on me that I didn't like. They are both narcissist and can't see past their own needs. I had to learn to use my power to say NO. Mind you they still didn't respect my no so when they make plans for me I also make o plans to be gone.m Maybe they will be willing to pay for part-time aid a few days a week so that you can get rest. If you are willing to compromise having additional help that would be a relief. My husband has also suggested that I would take care of his mother if she gets sick. She and her son can do no wrong, she is aggressive,&then goes into a full cry back to cursing you out while blaming it on you. So I told him no way, I'm not going to take care of my mom and 2 other narcissistic people. Of course he is like her so he heard me but I know if it happens he would try to force it on me at which time I will be prepared to walk away or work 2 jobs for my sanity. No one's advice is unique to your situation so the best advice is be honest withyourself and then to your husband.
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Dear Katie, just a very different slant on this. My daughter is now 43, SIL is 47, and grandson is 6. He was born when daughter was 37 like you, an only child for both her and SIL, and much wanted. Grandson is intelligent, very very active, friendly, healthy, and good looking as well.

Both parents have found him much harder work than expected. He drives them round the bend. My daughter would never say it, but it wouldn’t surprise me if deep down she thinks that if they had their time again knowing what they know now, they would have not have tried so hard to have a baby. Being older hasn’t helped, both having careers that they valued doesn’t help – and that’s without being unfortunate enough to have a child with disabilities.

I also have a friend who decided to go it alone at about your age, and she had lots of trouble in the teenage years, which I hope doesn't happen with my grandson. However it was almost certainly easier for her alone than doing it with a difficult husband and unpleasant FIL.

You have my total sympathy for wanting a baby, and for your fertility problems. But please try not to make your happiness depend on it. The reality may not be as important as you think.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2020
Lots of people have children when they are older.

I had fertility issues. We adopted our first daughter.

I was 33. I was extremely happy to finally be a mother!

I gave birth to a daughter at 40 and I was thrilled to have another child.

I consider both of my daughters to be miracles!

There isn’t an ideal age to fall in love, marry or have children.

People can have wonderful experiences having children younger in life or older in life.

Or people can have rotten experiences younger or older in life.

It depends on individual circumstances more than age.

As far as disabilities go, that can happen in younger or older parents too.

Life has risks.

None of us can ever plan for a perfectly ideal life.

That doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t go after our dreams.

Some people decide not to get married or have children and that’s fine too.

If the OP desires a child I sincerely hope that her dream will come true.
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Katie2020,

It is not "My father in law doesn’t want to consider any assisted living facilities. We don’t know how to make him change his mind." getting him to change his mind. It is telling him loud and clearly that living with you is not an option, period.

And this is a discussion for your hubs and SIL to have with Dad.

You just need to make it very clear that you are not living under the same roof as FIL and you are not going to run yourself ragged providing any supports to him wherever he lives.

I am very sorry about your miscarriage just as all this set off. That makes it even harder for you. You need time to grieve your loss.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2020
Wonderfully sensible and compassionate response!
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If there is going to be anything physical involved, like bathing or toileting, it would be a definite no. And if you r already uncomfortable around him it would be no. And I would be bluntly honest. This is not your responsibility its ur DHs and his sisters to find a place where he will get care. Bet there is money involved and they don't want to spend it. I told my brothers I would never care for my Dad. Loved him, but not caring for him. My husband supported me.
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Have husband and SIL take care of their own father. Then, they will find a way to bring him to AL
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If he is in your house now it might be a go time to visit your parents....for an extended visit. 3 weeks or so.
During your visit you might want to have a few discussions with your husband some of the things that maybe should have been talked about previously.
If your husband does not accept and respect your point of view I do not see much of a future.
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Katie2020 Dec 2020
This is exactly what I am thinking. Great advice!
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Dear husband, your father's desire to not go into an assisted living facility does not obligate me to become his caregiver. Period!

I am curious why you think that his wishes supercede mine? Perhaps we should have discussed these scenarios before we said I do, because quite frankly I am feeling very much like I don't. I don't want to care for YOUR dad. I don't want to be made to feel guilty for not being willing to be his caregiver. I don't want to be in a relationship with a male that would let his sister dictate what I will or will not do and I don't want to have children with a male that would put anyone above me and our children.

Your dad is not moving in to our home and I truly hope that you can understand that and it doesn't end our marriage.

I love you but, I didn't marry your dad and I am not going to be put in the position of being his servant.

As hard as it would be to lose your new husband, it would be nothing compared to having a man that believes you are there to serve him living in your home until he dies.

Your new family is completely out of line and your new husband is being completely unfair, he should be telling his sister to step up and take care of their dad.

Best of luck, this is a rotten situation to find yourself in 6 months in to your marriage vows.
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CharlieSue Dec 2020
Not telling sister, Isthis; sister and brother handling father TOGETHER.
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Katie2020, may I ask if hubby is all excited about having a future baby in the house? Does he realize that children will take your full time and attention, thus leave little time to care for his Dad? Or is he behind the times like his Dad?

To be honest, I am surprised at 37 that you are not employed. Many financially independents work for great feeling of accomplishment, being around co-workers, and making money which can be put into a Trust or a Foundation to do good for the community. Even volunteer work is very rewarding.

I hope your monies are not co-mingled, otherwise if you find you need to hire caregivers, sounds like the bulk of the cost to care for Dad-in-law will come out of your pocket. My Dad had 3 full-time caregivers even though Dad was independent, he was a major fall risk, and he was a highly intelligent person but was perplex on how to make a sandwich or heat up soup as my late Mom always did that. The cost was $20k per month for caregivers [this cost varies from area to area].

Has the family considered senior living? My Dad eventually sold his house and moved to a senior apartment. He was happy as a clam, loved it there. He was around all these people who were closer to his age, thus new set of ears to hear all of his stories? His rent was $5k per month. Once he moved into Memory Care it was $7k per month. Well worth the cost as he and my Mom had a "rainy day" fund and it was storming out there !!
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Katie2020 Dec 2020
My husband wants a baby I have no doubt about that. It was planned before his dad got sick.

I’ve recently moved to a new city. Prior to this I had a demanding job. But at 37 I decided to focus on building a family. After we got married we had 2 rounds of IVF resulted in only one embryo. And I had a few surgeries to fix my infertility issues. I always knew about my infertility but at 37 I finally decided to fix it. I had a miscarriage 2 weeks before his dad got sick.

We keep separate finances, inheritance and future inheritance included.

My father in law doesn’t want to consider any assisted living facilities. We don’t know how to make him change his mind.
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They are not going to ‘respect your decision to say no’, because all the benefits for them are in ignoring what you say. You already know this – you’ve tried to say no, and it didn’t work. Read the warnings carefully. Quite seriously, you may need to break out of this trap. I hope you didn’t pay for the wedding!
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I assume that because you are a "stay at home" wife they assume you have nothing to do all day but eat candy and watch TV. What does SIL do? I agree that once he moves in you are never going to get him out, and you will become resentful. Then you and your new hubs will have problems. If you have your own money, now is a time to see a lawyer and get that locked up nice and tight,, and I hope you have a good prenup, because I agree you could kiss some of that goodbye if push comes to shove. My dad always told me have my own money,, and boy am I glad he did. And I'm going to add, although this may not hit everyone correctly.. if you have the money.. you get more of the say, sort of the reverse of what many feel,, that the hubs has all the say because he is the "man". And I don;t buy the "get everyone on board" to share the care,, because once he's in your house you are going to be "it".. easy for everyone to run and have excuses once he is firmly in your house.
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GardenArtist Dec 2020
Pam, good point about a pre-nup.  I had forgotten those can be very protective for a woman.
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MJI, good points, especially that the husband's attitude toward having his wife do the caregiving reflects what his own attitude would be toward raising children.  That's a serious issue to consider, now, before becoming pregnant.
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Just go into zombie mode and keep repeating, "That's not an option."

The fact that your FIL and husband's discussion about assisted living didn't go well is not your problem. There is a point at which long-term assistance is necessary, and you are not qualified to do what he needs.

You don't owe your FIL care -- his children do. Remind them that it's their job to see to it that he's safe and cared for, but it is not your job to do those tasks. Remind your husband that a marriage is a partnership in which both sides must agree to major life decisions, and the one who does not agree prevails. I'd also suggest not having any children until you really see how your husband handles this challenge, because it will be exactly how he handles the challenges of child-rearing.
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I've not read the responses yet, but (from my own experience): After 5 years of caretaking for my elderly mom, my suggestion is to be blunt with all three of them. My older & younger sisters never did and weren't psychologically able to provide any support, practical or psychologically, for me.

The details of our situations are different, but ... I did learn that their perceptions of 'the situation' would NEVER have changed. I know it's hard to hear, but you've got an extremely difficult decision to make: Either put your foot down now and FIRMLY that you'll not participate--unless the burden is equally share among you all (i.e., 4 ways). This, of course, will be scary and hard--you WILL incur their scorn and anger! I wish I'd been able to put my cowgirl boots/big girl panties on at the beginning. But at 66, I discovered that I'm stronger than I ever knew I was, because I did finally stand up to 'them', regardless of their reactions, anger, and gossip about me. I'm free now. This says everything about them and their ignorant pettiness, and it taught me that I know I am a good human, with a good heart, and a willingness to do the hard work when it's the right thing to do. Love, hug, and support. This shit ain't for sissies : )
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MargaretMcKen Dec 2020
I agree with all of this EXCEPT the option of agreeing IF the burden is split four ways. Many many women have agreed to the care on that basis, and found that they were left holding the whole burden. FIL would probably not even accept care from his son, on the basis that care is ‘woman’s work’.
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I'm going to be blunt, b/c I think you're in a situation where you need some support and guidance back to a situation that doesn't subordinate your own needs to that of your newly wed husband.

Facts:

1.  You've only been married a short time but already your husband, SIL and Fil's actions and attitudes are problematic, and your FIL is displaying what I'd consider actively chauvinistic attitudes (a woman's job to set the table).

2.  Your husband is already treating you in a condescending and dictatorial manner.  

3.  You're apparently expected to care for someone you dislike, another mysogynist?   

At this point I would ask:  is there anything about this family that you like?  Are you seriously in love with your husband enough to tolerate his interfering family, who don't seem to respect you?

4.    You have independent finances; have you ever considered (and I don't mean this in an insulting way) that you might have been married for your money, and/or for your caregiving ability?

5.     If you had a child, tried to balance the care of a child who should be more important than an FIL, and eventually decided to divorce your husband, do his assets even approach the level of yours?   Does he have a secure job?   Would he fight you for custody?

I don't wish to be negative, but I could see being tricked into caring for FIL, then a baby arrives, friction continues in the family, a divorce initiated by your husband, and your ending up paying him child support if he ends up caring for his father full time and includes a plea for custody of the child in divorce papers. 

At one point in my legal career I did divorce work, disliked it and haven't done it since, so I can't opine realistically on what different scenarios exist today.   But I do recall that if one party's assets were greater than the others, that richer party could be ordered to pay financial assistance for the poorer party.  Your husband could become poor very quickly if he quits work to care for his father.

I think the question you have to ask yourself is how much you really love your husband, especially given the lack of respect he's shown you.  

I would also ask why you care, or think they would respect you given the treatment they've displayed?

Again, I'm not trying to hurt you, or crush your self esteem, but I see a real need for a frank assessment of what YOU will be getting out of this marriage and potential Cinderella situation.

Others who have been in a similar situation have been advised to take some time out, away from the family, and seriously analyze the situation, what it is, what you want it to be, and what you want to do in your life.    If it doesn't include caring for your FIL, and your husband won't back off, you may have to make a big decision fairly quickly.
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Davenport Dec 2020
Perfect. True. Thank you for stating this so gently and articulately.
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Holy moly, Katie. "No" is a complete word. I can't comprehend how your hubby and SIL think you're the default answer to caring for your FIL.

And your husband "feels that I should want/willing to do this because he is my father in law."!? The only answer to that is" "I feel that you should want/willing to do this because he's your father."

You don't mention what issue your FIL has. Does he require care, part-time, full-time? No matter what, unless your FIL has mental issue that prevent him from figuring this out himself, it's his responsibility to figure it out.

If your FIL has issues where he needs help, the only I recommend is assisting your hubby and SIL to find a caregiver for him in his own home or apartment.

Stick to your guns to say no. And until this gets resolved, I encourage you not to get pregnant. Getting FIL's issue sorted out may take a lot of your time and energy. I hope it doesn't come to you moving out.
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Dear Katie,

In my culture there is a lot pressure on women to the be the caregiver for elderly parents, but in the long run it can cause a lot of anger and resentment.

It's unfair of your husband and sister-in-law to ask you to be the caregiver. And especially since your father-in-law makes you uncomfortable. It's not right. There are other options and your husband and his sister will have to look at them.

Make them read the many threads here at Aging Care about the challenges of caregiving and help them see the truth.
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No one should be put in this position who doesn’t want to take it on, most especially with a rude person to have to care for. Please firmly tell your husband that you aren’t willing to do this, not even for a trial period (because the trial period will never end) If your husband won’t respect your wishes in this, it’s not a caregiving problem you have, it’s a marriage problem. In a healthy marriage, a couple puts each other first above their parents, it’s exactly how life was designed to be. I wish you well in standing your ground
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