My husband is done with my narcissistic parents and refuses to go to family functions now. How do I get to a place of acceptance? Is anyone else in this situation?

Hi OP.
My ILs and I have an ambivalent relationship over their insistence that when they want family time--their adult birthday parties and things--it subsumes everything.

In 2014, they ruined probably my biggest job accomplishment celebration with their stupid insistence that they have their family dinner in their favorite chinese restaurant. They also have "clumps" of family gatherings, all individual, all for them really.

I told him around then that I would only be around for a select few of these and not more than one a month. So what this means is that easter, ok. DIL's birthday two weeks later, out. Mother's Day, you get that MIL. Your anniversary SORRY NEVER. Your birthday, OK. But don't expect me to be at the dad's special father's day a week later.

Same might work for your DH. He goes to Christmas and Thanksgiving for an hour and a half and that's it.

BlueWillow, Welcome. It's interesting to me that your husband is willing to deny himself the pleasure of your children's company for the sake of YOUR dignity. You were the one treated badly by your dad, yes?

Do YOU ever stand up for YOU?

Why are you doing caregiving tasks for these unpleasant people?

Where are you going to stop acceding to their demands?

Just curious. Since it's the company of your children and grandchildren that you like, is it possible for you to see them somewhere else besides family gatherings? Can you invite them to your place? If not all of them at once, then some at a time?

we all have our breaking points and sounds like your husband reached his. It’s harder to see people you love treated badly then it is to endure it yourself. Can you have other events without your parents. They have created the situation so leaving them out makes sense.

BlueWillow, I'm glad that you are seeing the wisdom of setting some boundaries with your folks. Because if you don't, your life will eventually be subsumed by their demands, assumptions and need to control you via Fear, Obligation and Guilt ( F.O.G.).

There's a book called "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud you should read.

The fact that your grandkids have NO experience of a family gathering without grandpa is curious. Do you never just have kids and grandkids over for dinner (not all your kids, just one at a time)?

I wouldn't frame this as "fighting back". I would think about it as letting your parents know that you have a marriage and family that are important to you and that you are choosing your marriage as your primary focus. They will need to figure out other ways of getting their needs met.

The phrases "I can't possibly do that" and " Dad, I can't do this anymore" have been useful to me.

Don't feel like you have to justify your lack of involvement in your parents' lives to anyone. Decide how much and what you can do and stick to that bright line.

Blue Willow,
I'm sorry you are going through this - that is tough.

Something that I learned not too long ago and has been helpful for me is the acronym JADE

J- don't JUSTIFY (no use explaining why you are right and they are wrong)
A- don't ARGUE
D- don't be DEFENSIVE
E- don't EXPLAIN yourself

You have the right to enjoy your kids and your grandkids. Your hubby has the right to avoid your parents. I have a really prickly mom - I had to start using this technique with her and be really surface/superficial when I'm around her and as non-controversial as I possibly can be, only to avoid meltdowns and arguments. I'm not around her as much as you probably are with your parents but give this a try and see if it helps.

You asked about how you get to a place of acceptance? I'm still working on that. I know the only thing we are ever really in control of is our own attitude and demeanor. Know that neither you or hubby are wrong and hold your head high and love on your kids. Time will tell what will happen with your folks, but having a plan when you have to see them will probably give you more confidence. The last few interactions with my mom, I've felt good about myself as far as my own self-control - then I might shed a tear when I drive away and that's ok. I didn't let her push my buttons while I was around her. That is very empowering.

I am missing something here.

What is stopping you from hosting your children and grandchildren, but not your parents?

And why on earth are you continuing to put yourself in your parents' firing line?

I would be happy for him; I would withdraw myself somewhat from the narcs, and see them less. I would tell him that I understand completely and am so sorry that they ARE narcs. I would go on with my life, my happy life with my hubby, treasuring him, be understanding. Tell him how much you miss him, but that you understand, because you DO understand. You just said so. Tell him you envy him, and admire his courage in stepping away from what he cannot change. Attempt to step away a bit yourself. And wishing you both much happiness together.

Willow, I just want to add that I can only imagine the damage your parents' blatant denigrating of your husband has done to your childrens' and grandchildrens' image of him.

Please be mindful of this as you move forward; you all need to work to repair the damage done.

I cast my vote for hosting your own events with family of your own choosing and excluding your parents. As for what to tell the grandkids, I guess it all depends on how old they are, or just telling them to go ask their own parents. I didn't have any qualms about telling my teenaged kids about why their StepGrandfather was receiving certain treatment by us: because there are consequences for people's choices and behaviors and that boundaries are important. It's good for them to see that this is a universal rule and that kids aren't the only ones who are on the receiving end of this.

Also, you don't need to give your parents any explanation at to why they weren't invited, only if you think it would lead to a productive conversation about how they've treated your husband (and you) and that forgiveness is possible but only with a sincere apology and future behavior towards him being 100% respectful 100% of the time.

Feb. 23, 2022
Bluewillow,
In RE: Done with narcissistic parents.

Going forward, cherish and develop a relationship with your own grandchildren. Enjoy.
Follow the advice given here to invite who you and hubs enjoy, without the difficulty of having any narcs at any events.

Birthday and pool parties are for the children and their friends, imo.

Support your husband's decision for himself.

How do your children react/feel when they see their grandparents treating their parents as poorly as they do?

I might be making a huge leap here, but are you the type of person who makes excuses for your parents' bad behavior? Have you encouraged your children to continue to include your parents to maintain the "status quo", so to speak? Because if you have, you're doing no one any favors, especially yourself.

I get wanting to "keep the peace". But sometimes, that price of that so called peace is just way too high.

I would have an honest discussion with your kids about all of this. The fact that you hate the "misery your parents have created". It might be they're as sick and tired of it as you and your husband are.

My mother's mother was a miserable person. She would harp and harp on old "injustices"; she wasn't happy unless she could make everyone miserable. She gloated about each holiday she could ruin with her acid tongue. She would mope every Christmas and each of her birthday's because she never got the "perfect" gift, like an 80-something year old toddler. Her favorite expression was "If you laugh today, you'll cry tomorrow." You get the picture. We were all, including my mom, sick and tired of the behavior.

One Christmas dinner, my mom told her several times to knock it off; when she refused, my mom unceremoniously packed her up and brought her home. Then she instituted a new rule: we would go to "oma's" on Christmas Eve, or the night before whichever holiday, bring her any gifts, stay a little while, and then go home without her, and have a pleasant holiday. And that's exactly what we did. We gave her an hour to be miserable, then left her and had a happy whichever holiday we were celebrating.

If I were in your position, I would lay out like this to my kids: "Look. Insofar as your grandparents are concerned: you know our relationship has ever been good. Dad and I have put up with just about all we're willing to put up with. From now on, when we have all of you over, we are not going to include my parents. If you have a gathering, and they're there, I will come if you really want me to; but I will NOT put up with their nonsense anymore. It might come down to a confrontation between me and them; it might come down to me walking off in the middle of the celebration. If that would be too mortifying for any of you to witness, then no hard feelings, just tell me and I won't come, and we will get together at an earlier or later time to celebrate with you without my parents. I don't want you to take this as an ultimatum 'it's them or us' - I just don't think it's a healthy dynamic for any of us, particularly our grandchildren , to be a part of."

Your kids might be relieved by this, especially if they've held their tongues for years witnessing the shabby treatment of their parents by their grandparents.

I hope this helps. Good luck!

I can not say that I blame him at all!.
Do your parents talk about him when he is not there?
If so put a stop to it the next time it happens. Simply say, "I am not going to tolerate that kind of talk about "Bill". Then you get up, put on your coat and leave.
Does not matter if you just got there or not.
I would suggest that you visit your children and grandkids often, aside from family functions. Enjoy those visits and forego some of the other family functions when you know your parents will be there. If you want to visit your parents do so without your husband and keep the visit short. And again if they bring him up in an unkind manner leave right away.
They need to know that you will not tolerate that kind of talk or behavior from them.

Sounds like your husband is a wise man, he’s decided not to be in the line of fire any longer. What a huge relief for him! Personally, I’d limit my exposure at events that include them and accept the situation by recognizing your husband’s good choice.

Bluewillow, I think someone needs to bring up the elephant in the room.

Why have YOU allowed your parents to mistreat your husband for so long?

Please note that he has borne well their mistreatment of HIM, apparently with no complaint. But he will not stomach your dad's mistreatment of you.

I think I would be seeking therapy to figure out how to stop this abuse of you BOTH.

I can relate. Except in my situation it's me that won't attend my husband's family gatherings. He's accepted it though cause he understands why I don't want to be around his clan. They've never really tried to get to know me or showed an interest in who I am. In fact when I first met them I got the impression that it was their world and I had to fit into it. I immediately knew that I could let them suck me into the vortex of their dysfunction or draw a line in the sand. I chose the line in the sand.

I think your husband has done the right thing. Sure, it's sad for you but if the alternative is your husband feeling anger and stress, wouldn't you rather that not be the case. I know that when I'm around my hubs family I get such a bad tension headache it's just not worth it.

So as far as you getting to a place of acceptance, you may never totally accept it but if it means your husband feeling more relaxed then maybe you'll just have to.

Why are your children and grandchildren prioritizing their grandparents over their Dad? Is there no way they could allow him time with them and his own grandkids? Do your kids see what their Dad sees? I appreciate that he's opting out, and not dictating the guest list, but I think you need to make some time for your family to enjoy time together without grandma and grandpa.

your husband is very wise - a boundary, some space and peace. We can’t always “grey rock”. I’ve had it; I’ve got mad about comments and I’ve been told I didn’t say that, stop over reacting, etc. and felt worse.

peace isn’t about keeping quiet and not saying anything, it’s about finding a solution for you which gives you a sense of peace in a situation. What would give you that? Knowing your husband has done that may help give you acceptance and to find a bit of peace yourself

You’re blessed with a loving husband, kids and grandchildren - talk to your kids, explain the situation, I can imagine from what you’ve said they seen it themselves. They’ll understand and through that, the situation will get easier as you find others ways to be together.

Let your children and grandchildren know that your husband - their dad and grandpa - loves them. Ask the family to have gatherings where you and hubby can go early and leave early - before your parents arrive.

How does your husband feel about you attending without him and do your parents feel like they have 'won'?
I think you have to make a decision about how you feel about the situation and establish whether this arrangement suits your husband.
IF your husband is OK with this, then are you? It sounds like you are not (and he may not be either).
I have been there and wonder why I put up with it. Why I colluded with the idea that it was alright for my partners to feel excluded, disliked and overtly not respected to the degree that they ostracized themselves.
It wasn't good for ANY of my relationships, or my own self respect, to allow it to go on.
However, if this is the compromise you feel you have to make then try not to allow the separation to continue with your children and grandchildren. This stuff can continue into the next generation. Do you want to set this example for the future partners?
Good luck - don't let them ruin your relationships.

My girlfriends family hates me, but family is important to my girlfriend so I just put up with it. They treat her like a punching bag, I do not understand why she puts up with it all I can tell is she is afraid of burning bridges. She is the glue of the family, if she does not organize the events the family rarely gets together. I do not like that they treat her as a punching bag or belittle her choices because they do not align with what they view as proper. They also make talk bad about me, but it does not phase me, I am use to it though. My own extended family bad mouths everyone behind their backs I have grown accustom to it,

What I am saying is I think sometimes as a partner you have make compromises for the person who want to be with. Finding that balance is important, I still go to family events but what we do now is do our own thing either the day before or day after without family present. My GF also made the compromise to not stay until the event was over, so tops we only have to be present for 2 or 4 hours. We have our own holidays the day before or we tell the families we are going on vacation months in advice.

It is all a give and take, and finding a system that works.

Your husband is perfectly within his rights in refusing to attend family events. He does not need to justify his decision with evidence of your parents' mistreatment . It has been generous of him to make an attempt in the past. You are an adult. You can go to family functions alone.

I don't know but after 33 years, I would not miss precious time with my children or grandchildren because of them. I would try to come up with coping mechanisms and defense strategies instead of letting them win. There are things he can do when attending the same functions as your parents....avoid initiating any conversation directly with them. Not bringing up certain topics that he knows will trigger an argument. Hanging out in a different room of the house or the opposite side of the pool, etc...

Certainly not asking your husband to endure abuse or anything of the kind, but just asking him to set boundaries and have exit strategies so that he is not in the direct line of fire with your parents when they are at the same function. Your husband should not miss time with his children and grandchildren.

Without specifics, it's hard to give specific ideas. If your parents are saying something mean, do you ever call them out on it or try to tamp it down? For example if your mom says something nasty, you could say mom, that is not nice and today is not about you...it's little Jimmy's birthday party so let's focus on that and if you don't have anything nice or relevant to say, then zip it or we're all leaving!

I feel for both of you because I'm sure you feel in the middle and your husband is just trying to protect himself. My suggestion is to find another way of interacting with your parents that doesn't involve your husband missing out on family events.

Couldn’t he go to family functions that your parents are not invited too. Then you’d both get to spend time with the kids and grandkids in a peaceful setting.

BlueWillow,

I don't see that anyone has mentioned this, nor did you ask, but...

Have you considered that you are setting the example to your kids/grandkids for how one person should be treated by another? I am an only child of a narcissistic mother and a dad who has been dead for 35 years. My dad buffered between my mom and the rest of the world and my stepdad did the same. After my dad died and before Mom remarried, her bad behavior was out there and unfiltered for all to see. She hated my husband and treated him so, even in front of our daughter and later our son. She said awful things to me like "Don't have only one child because you will always be disappointed." Even still, he would not stand up to her on his own behalf because he knew the scene it would create and that would stress me out. He finally couldn't stand her treatment of me and avoided her at all costs. As a teenager, I remember being able to say the most hurtful mean things and smile while I said them, so that the people I was speaking to almost seemed grateful for my criticism. She used to say "You can cut people off at the knees and make them thank you for doing it." and she was PROUD to say that! It was not until I heard her in my own voice talking to my kids that I realized that by accepting her bad treatment, I was normalizing it and perpetuating it. I knew that I didn't want to be that person and I saw that the only way to break that cycle was to cut ties with her. So I did. And I worked on learning to express my displeasure with my kids and others in constructive, positive ways. In the 37 years of my marriage, she and I have been estranged for about half of that at various times because I didn't want that influence in the lives of my family. We would try again and she would repeat so I would step out of her life again. We are on terms now, but she has not changed - she just has dementia along with NPD. When she is acting out, I retreat to caregiver mode and never am I open-hearted with her - too much pain is possible.

My grown daughter observed so much of this, my son - not so much because she hasn't been in his life that much. When she and I talk, she tells me how it bothered her to see me accept my mother's treatment even as it made me cry and hurt me. She also saw me learn to deny myself a parental relationship in favor of my family's well-being and my own mental health. At times when she and I disagree, she has such a beautiful way of standing her ground and setting boundaries and we are able to work through disagreement and resolve things healthily and look each other in the eye with respect for one another afterward - no screaming fits on either side, no piercing words. And I see her modeling the same with her 14 year old son. She and I recently talked about our relationship and she has actually said that seeing me walk away from my mother, seeing me stand up to my mother, helped her to know that she should not accept anything less than respect from another human being.

I tell you this to say that you have younger generations watching you right now and what you do may make a big difference for them. Your husband has made a healthy choice to distance himself. YOU need to do the same. So many others have given you a variety of good advice for how to deal with your parents, but maybe my words can give you hope and courage to be able to take the actions they suggest and stand by your choice. YOU deserve to be loved and respected (and you will never get that from narcissistic parents, as much as that sucks), but your kids and grandkids need to hear you telling them that they deserve love and respect by seeing you lay claim to the same.

You realize that your parents have priority with your children over your husband having priority with his own children? Is there really “peace” when the situation is so toxic that a father feels forced to step away from his own childrens’ celebrations and gatherings? What does this teach the youngest generation—that it is ok to treat a LO so poorly that they want to exclude themselves from family gatherings? Why do your parents have to be at every gathering? Why is the pool more important than your husband’s dignity. You say your son sees his grandparents’ poor treatment of his father, then work with him on making the environment more comfortable for his father, Your son has the right, legally, morally and socially (good manners) to exclude his grandparents from family social gatherings, even if the relatives live next door, downstairs or upstairs. I have a narcissistic sister (diagnosed) who ruins every family gathering. We simply don’t invite her to every gathering.

Maybe he could go and just avoid them.

I was together with my husband 27 years and he refused to go to any family functions even though he got along with every one in other situations.My relatives use to kid about needing to see a picture of him to believe I was married. It just became a known that he wouldn't be there.I figured each person has their own comfort zone and why make him resentful and unhappy by begging him to go.With him staying home I was free to not worry if he was doing OK.I enjoyed the visits better. Go and enjoy yourself .It already seems that everyone will understand your husband reason.

How about if you and your husband start having your own family functions that your parents are not invited to? I'm sure your children would rather have their father at some special occasions they're hosting instead of their grandparents because they know how badly and disrespectful your parents treat their father.
I don't blame your husband for finally drawing the line with these people. He's put up with it for 33 years and enough already. Your kids should start excluding grandma and grandpa if they behave so badly and disrespectfully to your husband. Yes, they are your parents but he's your husband.
Your husband tolerating their abusive behavior is not 'keeping the peace'. It's keeping the narcissistic bullies in charge of every family occasion.
My second husband is a good guy. His parents and family are nice people who were good to me and still are. The problem was his grandmother (on father's side). She was the biggest c-word that ever drew breath. Treated her whole family like garbage especially my poor MIL and she lived with my in-laws. Every time from the first time I met the family grandmother would ask me why I'm so fat and why don't I try to lose weight. I'm not a small woman but I'm not obese. Even if I was, there's no need for that. She's point to her DIL and say that I didn't want to get like that fat pig. Then she'd snicker.
I just ignored her for a few years out of respect. Everyone pretty much did. Until it was my MIL's 60th birthday. Grandmother didn't like that she was getting a party and for one day she wouldn't be the center of attention. God forbid her DIL should enjoy her special birthday. I came, she started with her weight remarks about myself and my MIL. I lost it with her and screamed right in her face that she wasn't going to ruin the party for my MIL. Who cleans up her piss and sh*t every day, feeds her, washes her clothes, and gives her a place to live. I then told her to STFU and nobody cares what she thinks. I was supposed to bring her to the party (it was a surprise). Instead, I called a friend of mine and hired her to come and sit with grandma. I explained to grandma that my birthday gift to my MIL was that she was going to enjoy her special party without that beast wrecking it.
I told everyone at the party that grandma said she wasn't feeling great and that my friend (who they knew) was going to stay with her.
She never made a snide comment to me or to my MIL in front of me ever again. In fact, she never spoke a word to me again. If I was at some gathering with the family she would leave the room if I came in. Good riddance. That old __________ finally died a few years after that party. They never put her in a facility. My MIL enjoyed her party.

Sorry to hear this, but cheer up, and learn that what your parents are exhibiting is normal. It may be the behavior of you and your husband too in a while. Let the family learn to accept this. Having thick skin doesn't hurt - just roll your eyes and say that's how they are.

On a more practical level understand that self-centered behavior (you call it narcissism) can be redirected once you understand that it is the inevitable progression of today's society.

You are not alone. Since the 1300s western civilization has liberated itself from monarchies and powerful churches. We have become enlightened, confident, self-reliant, and independent. Not all bad. But the trends have also separated us from one another. We no longer see ourselves as part of a meaningful whole, but simply as individuals out to maximize our selfish Genes (Richard Dawkins). Now we stand on the threshold of collective challenges like climate, pandemics, droughts, and aging ... to name a few - which we are incapable of dealing with alone. What will we do in just 8 years when 78 million boomers reach their 80s? Who will care for them?

The way out of this is to bring back the value of emotions. Even people with Alzheimer's or Dementias who forget names, events - remember how you make them feel. And how they feel establishes how they behave. The human mind in old age, even with cognitive impairment still attempts to predict how it should behave in order to survive. Its behaviors of fear and aggression are nothing more than its reactions to its inner voices - opinions. Maintaining feelings of anger, despair and eventually, depression is not without cost. Especially for older folk whose bodies no longer muster the energy for it. There is a reason why scripture suggests that we forgive those who offend us. It is just easier.

To get beyond self-centeredness, I turn to the mystics of the past, who saw themselves as part of nature, part of the universe, already blessed with goodness. For those spiritual souls, it was not about being an individual with an ego, seeking ways to find the eternal, but rather already eternal beings, anchored and confident in who they are, seeking ways to be better humans. Lookup a Franciscan monk. living in New Mexico, called Richard Rohr. You are not alone in this plight, just surrounded by unawakened people.