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I’m sorry this is long, so thanks for reading… My husband and I have been happily together for 33 years, and my 93 year old narcissistic father and my 97 year old narcissistic mother have never really treated him with the respect he has given them just simply because, well, they’re both narcs. In fact, years ago, they tried several times to break us apart- typical narcs. He has tried to keep peace for my sake but after a recent specific incident of my dad treating me badly, my husband is fed up and can’t stand to be around them at all anymore. This leaves me to attend family functions (birthday and pool parties, etc) alone, hosted by our adult children. It hurts that he won’t go with me anymore, but I understand his feelings and honestly, I don’t blame him for feeling this way. Heck I almost envy him, except I love spending time with our children and grandchildren. (They all know of the problems with my parents, who still live in their own home, are fairly independent, but declining and becoming more difficult. I hate the misery they’ve created.) I am sad that my husband won’t be at our gatherings with me because of their behavior. How do I get to a place of acceptance and is anyone else in this situation?


Thanks 😊

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Blue Willow, This sounds very much like my situation although unfortunately we have my father living with us and my husband only just tolerates him. We are very happily married also. My husband is my soulmate. But my father is the narcissist in our life. I lived with.my parents until I got married. When my husband and I made our decision to get married, my father would goad me into arguments under no provocation simply because I would no longer be under his roof and in his control. He has done this repeatedly. When I moved into husband’s (deceased MIL home )my father and my mother would come and visit me every fortnight. He would then pick at me about things that i was doing in my free life away from him, choices that my husband and I made in our own home. So I started making excuses not to have them over. My mother was not part of this, she was a silent victim in her marriage to him. Unfortunately she is gone and I wish to God it was him instead.
Now he is with us, for reasons I can’t go into, apart from incredible stupidity on my part. Why did I bring a manipulative narcissistic parent into our home.? I don’t have the money to put him into care and he’s not on a aged care pension.
He has moderate dementia now, and living under our roof, he is obsequious and covertly subservient. but I wonder how much of his manipulative narcissistic personality is still there or is he really losing all of his cognitive ability.
I agree with your husband’s decision to not interact with your narcissistic parents. It’s very unpleasant for you, your kids and grandchildren but to preserve your happy marriage i would say it is a necessary evil. I wish you both peace and strength in your plight. Enjoy your husband, children and grandchildren and realise that they are the only important people in your life. The answer that Soncaringformom gave you is very good. Unfortunately I don’t have very good advice to give you.
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Why not have some of your own family gatherings without your parents, why do they have to be included in everything, aren't you entitled to your own life? Everything does not have to filter through them do things with your husband, your children and grandchildren and do not include them.

If they ask why they were not included, be honest, tell them.

You have taught your parents how to treat you and obviously not stood by your husband, if I were him I would do the same thing, enough is enough. IMO you need to set some boundaries with your parents and stick to them.

IMO your family dynamics are all screwed up.

Your husband's feelings should be your priority not your parents.
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Your husband is protecting himself. Assure yourself he is doing what he must and respect it. Plan time with your kids and grandkids without your parents. My husband dissociated himself from his own narcissistic mother 9 years ago and our family is healthier and happier without the ugly stress she brought on us. Now he avoids my mom (dementia) and I don't hold it against him. He has his limits and It's not my job to force more on him. No one has a picture perfect family and that is fine. Bring your joy to family events and allow your husband the freedom to choose what is best for himself.
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blue willow——can y’all not plan a get-together and NOT invite your parents?? Then everyone could enjoy the time together instead of always being strife and upset. Makes sense to me…. Blessings to you…
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A lot of people think folks in their 90's have wisdom but not all do.

My father-in-law thrives on family chaos. It is his entertainment as he has nothing else in his life. Even when it means hurting a son he always loved - he will do it.

Some think it is dementia kicking in but in reality he doesn't care about those family ties now. It is about the self just like a 3 year old.

You better care about your husband and get your kids in line to invite only you.
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Have your children NOT invite their grandparents. It's simple. I will never understand why children of parents in their 90's continue to seek those awful parent's love. If it hasn't happened by now - it ain't ever gonna happen sister.
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Hi!

That is a tough one. Yes, I was in that very situation, with my mother and my wife.

You do not seem to want to visit your parents for _their_ sake, but only because those times are the opportunity to see your children and grandchildren.

Your narc dad is mistreating your husband because previously he could not break up you and your husband. Your dad is creating a situation where he likely hopes you will have to choose between your husband and seeing your kids and grandkids. Please keep that in mind as you continue to read this.

You have a couple choices: you can accept the strife; you can accept your husband's anger at your "narcs"; you can realize that your parents are likely manipulating your children to serve their own wants. Narcs are manipulators.

No matter what you do, there will be pain. It can be alleviated; read on.

You cannot buckle under your parents, your dad, again trying to break up your marriage and try to force your husband to see your parents.

Since hopefully your husband is loving and understanding --- you do not write that he resents you visiting your parents --- you might try to talk with him when he is in a receptive mood. You can assure him that you love him very much, that even though your parents are your parents, you recognize that they are behaving badly disrespecting your husband, that you are "your husband's" (as non-PC that sounds), not your parents'. You can explain to him your pain your parents are creating. You can ask your husband to strategize _with_you_ how to get to see your children and grandchildren without allowing your dad to inflict more pain on you, your husband, and your narriage.

Your parent's will not change. From what you say, they are narcs. You are now by your own and free choice your husband's loving wife much more than the manipulated, suffering daughter of your narcissistic parents.

Please, do not try to force your husband to give in, to accept the pain your parents are still inflicting on your marriage, on your husband, and on _you_. Your narc parents are toxic and corrosive.

You are not alone. You might want to attend (by Zoom) the support groups for children of narcissitic parents on Meetup.com. Most are free, and there are even meetings specifically by and for daughters of narcissistic parents. Other daughters of narcs who are going through that pain, or already handled it, may be able to help you, support you.

You may also consider "light" dialectic behavioral therapy (DBT) or cognitive dialectic therapy (CBT) to learn to help you deal with, accept, and diminish or even stop the pain your parents are inflicting on you. I can give you referrals to a free, professional, and excellent group that provides on-line one of these therapies.

Again, please keep in mind that likely your parents are manipulating your children to leverage the visits to manipulate you and gain control over you, likely maybe still trying to drive a wedge between you and your husband. You might be an only child, since you do not mention any of your siblings. That would be a powerful motive for narc parents to try to "own" you again.

Please, try to shake off the power that your parents still hold over you. You entered your own future when you married your husband, to build it and shape it _with_ him; your narcissistic parents are your "past." You can still love them, but they cannot own you again.

Best,
K
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Unlucky1966 Jul 2022
This is very good advice. I wish I had have read this when I was getting married.
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I know it’s difficult for you not to have your husband at the family functions with your narcissistic parents. I would recommend organizing some family get togethers without your parents so that you, your husband, your children and grandchildren can make some nice memories together. I understand your husband’s decision not to want to be around them. Your narcissistic parents will never change. You should accept things like they are and try to feel okay about it. Once your parents need help, they should hire in home care. I would visit them, but limit what you share with them or they will continue to use it as ammunition against you and your husband. Narcissistic people will often go from one person to another in a family and turn family members against each other. It’s a sickness that is usually created by bad things that have happened to them as children. Yes, narcissistic people can stop playing the victim and making everything about them by recognizing it and wanting to get along. At your parents age, it will never happen. I would suggest reading books about narcissism, and sticking to conversations that are general in nature. Also, write down one liners you can use. Dementia will make the narcissistic personality much worse. Don’t let them make you feel like this is all on you. Take steps back, limit your time with them, set boundaries, and stay in your own lane. Unfortunately, every family has their own dysfunction.
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SonCaringForMom Feb 2022
Very nice!
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In addition to not going to my hub's family get-togethers I've stopped meeting with my family as well. As I've gotten older I've realized that it's not being "unsociable" to stay at home. Calling it that is turning the blame around. If I attend a function and am put down, made fun of, gas lighted etc. why then is it me being "unsociable"

Let people think what they like. If they are too daft to not realize that their behavior is unacceptable and would rather believe that I, or your husband, or anybody is rude, unfriendly, or"unsociable" let them!
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SonCaringForMom Feb 2022
bluewillow527 wants to see her children and grandchildren, so cutting off the visits is not likely feasible.
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Hmmm.. this is very sad. Your husband has put up with a lot of bad and has decided what is best for him. Your children and grandchildren are not as happy as you think. They talk about your parents when you are not there and would probably like some sort of change. Not quite sure yet what that should be.
So what are you going to do? You've been given very good advice at this forum.
It would be nice to hear of some progress in the future. I wouldn't leave the hubs out in the cold too much longer. 33 years is a long time to wait.
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notgoodenough,

I am divorced from the man I referred to in my comment to you. Maybe the OP is leaving out some of the details. That is always a possibility.
I don't want to ruffle any feathers here and truly hope people don't take what I'm going to say the wrong way and get over-sensitive about it.
The OP said she's been with her husband for 33 years. Her parents who are up in their 90s now were in their 60s when the husband came on the scene.
They were seniors and sometimes seniors from that generation like to instigate. They very likely did try very hard to break up their daughter's relationship with her husband for selfish reasons. They wanted to keep their daughter alone because they were getting older and needed to start laying the foundation in case they needed her to care for them in their old age.
Do you think this doesn't happen? My mother has tried to sabotage every relationship I've ever had. Both of my marriages, my friends, jobs, even family because that's what she does. This behavior started when I was a little kid and my father left. She doesn't want to be alone and thought that through abuse, sabotage, and gaslighting that she'd be able to keep me right under her thumb forever. It didn't work. It never does.
To me the OP's parents sound a little like my mother.
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SonCaringForMom Feb 2022
Yes!
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Not to seem to take this lightly, but doesn't everyone who has a family have that problem. I am not sure about the breaking up part but when it happens to us I take it as this the the worst part of for "better or worse".
I wish you well and luck with handling your situation.
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BurntCaregiver Feb 2022
No, everyone with a family does not have this problem. My other siblings did not have this problem.
With my second husband I saw what a healthy, loving family looks like and became part of it. I'd never experienced that before because my family life was nothing like that. My in-laws did not abuse, gaslight, and sabotage their kids. They actually loved and cared about them. My MIL who is a saint and I cannot bear to put the prefix "ex" when I refer to her, did have to contend with her MIL living with them. Anyone who's read my previous post will know what I describe her as. She was a beast of a woman. Other than her they are a great family.
Grandparents are often very different to their grandchildren then they were to their own. That is a fact. Many times grandchildren know nothing but love, kindness, encouragement, and positive attention from grandma and grandpa. That's certainly the case in my family. My nephews don't understand what my problem is with grandma. I tell them is that I don't expect them to and not to be judgmental to me about things they don't know.
I think bluewillow's parents were probably very different to her kids then they were to her. That happens a lot.
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BlueWillow,

Your son is of age, you two sound close and it's time to have a talk with him. Tell him what you told us here about the fake molestation allegations and the physical violence of actually attempting to vehicularly kill someone, and of the most recent incident that prompted your question.

If you can't or won't, may I ask why? Is this a matter of misplaced filial loyalty in that the grands played a bona-fide part time or greater role in raising him? Is it an issue of inheritance in that grandma/grandpa have promised to skip over you to will the house to him?

Having some family gatherings without some family members isn't an insult to the uninvited. My ILs went out with Brother and his wife all the time before the pandemic and it wasn't like a threat to SO. Even if both contingencies in the paragraph above are true, having some gatherings with only some family over there would seem like a reasonable request.

Even if son disagrees, reaching an understanding of why he disagrees will help you and he navigate what the future is with them. For instance, he may sort of think that you will go over to do the hands on--when it really sounds like you want to be mostly hands off.
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SonCaringForMom Feb 2022
Great!
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BL, something we see here all too often is " I had to".

Before you go down that path, stop and think, why do I "Have To?"

Because mommy/daddy says so?

Because that's what a "good, obedient child does"?

Learn to say "I can't possibly do that". And "No".

Let your self-involved parents deal with their lives.

Also, "mom, you should have thought about that before you tried to run dh off the road".
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As the DIL who got the brunt of that type of stuff for 30+ years, I can understand why your husband has finally said "ENOUGH. I'm DONE". I tried EVERYTHING to be kind, to turn the other cheek, to forgive and move on, and it got to the point where I had to say, "I will lovingly support YOU from the background in your dealing with your parents. You will have to be the person who deals with them. I just can't." There was no reasoning with them. My MIL decided early on that she didn't like me because I stood up for myself. They were used to saying "JUMP!" and their sons would say "How high and when may I come down?" (figuratively of course) and I said "NO. I'm not going to jump. Why would you say that to me?" They moved out of state when we were starting our family 30 years ago so they wouldnt have to be bothered with being grandparents except on their own terms/schedule. When I didn't run up there to their home for every holiday and drag my small children they got very upset. Fast forward 20 years. I planned and executed a 50th anniversary party for them from 4 hrs away, and we surprised them with it after church one Sunday morning. Even flew in their other son. They wrote a great thank you to their CHURCH for doing it for them, and sent us a copy of the thank you. My husband called and told them that it wasn't the church, it was ME, and the church was just the location. Didnt matter. Their church was who did it. I took all the pictures from the slide show we did and made a photo book for them for Christmas. Rather than say thank you, they pointed out any misspellings, or inaccuracies in dates (by a day or two) and asked me to correct it and have it reprinted. I told my husband I was done. Within the next year, as dementia became more evident, and my FIL had colon cancer, they wanted my husband to come to them constantly to help them and didn't understand why he couldn't take that much time off of work. It was all about them. SO we told them if they wanted help, they would need to move back to our area where my husband could help them more. They did. I took my spring break (I am a retired teacher) and visited many senior apartments, and found them one they could afford that they liked that was close enough for my husband to help them. We moved them, and took care of things. Me always in the background to make it look like it was all my husbands ideas because if it was mine, it would be rejected. As things continued downward, I took another week of spring break and visited and interviewed Independent living with assists, as well as assisted living and Memory Care places to find the best places for them. We never told them it was me doing the legwork. This is the way we continued until last year when they both passed away. I saw them at major holidays but still stayed in the background as much as possible. It was our only way to deal with it. Because my husband had been raised in a way to receive negative stuff from them and was non-confrontational it was hard for him to stand up to them too. He learned over the years that you can have good boundaries and that doesn't mean a lack of love/respect for your parents. We were also 100% transparent with out kids about it. They understood. Our oldest tried to maintain a relationship--but he was the favored 1st grandson. Our youngest was in the background like me.
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bluewillow527 Feb 2022
Wow, your experiences sound so similar to what my husband has had to put up with, and I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through all that. And I’m sure you did absolutely nothing to deserve it, just like my husband. It sounds like your husband’s raising is very similar to mine- don’t make waves or argue or stand up for oneself.

I am learning about setting boundaries too and oh boy, they’ve not been well received. Recently, my mom had a brief trip to the emergency room for a mystery ailment- no obvious symptoms, she just told my dad she “thought she was dying” so he panicked and called 911- then, she refused tests after she got there so my son and I had to go pick her up at the hospital! At that point, I told them I could not move in with them or be their full time caregiver, and I could see the shock on their faces because I really think that was their plan all along, as if I didn’t have a life with my husband- just another slam against him by their thinking that he’s not important or doesn’t matter.

Thank you for sharing and for being so helpful- you have made my situation feel less hopeless.
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Thank god your husband finally took a stand and said enough to your parents. Your loyalty is to him, not your parents who don't deserve YOU. Is there a way you can invite people to YOUR home and leave your parents out of the loop. If not, then go and enjoy yourself and leave your husband in peace - it will be best for both of you. And if they are so difficult, why on earth are they still "free" to roam around and cause harm? Why have they not been placed somewhere or barring that told in no uncertain terms their behavior will no longer be tolerated. End of story - and if they keep it up, these are the consequences. Why is everyone afraid to let them have it to stop them in their tracks. They need to be stopped by any means.
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My MIL is waaay beyond toxic.

She is mentally ill, always has been, always will be.

Pretty early on she realized that she could 'pick' on me and nobody would stand up for me. She'd do it when we were alone--in this hissy quiet voice. My kids DID hear her and later years they'd call her out, but the damage was done.

DH, although thoroughly believing in her nastiness, didn't want to stir the pot and also LIKED that when I went with him to her place to fix something, all her anger was directed at ME and he got off scot-free. He would NOT stand up to her for me. Told me to fight my own battles.

I tried, wow, how I tried to make her at least, not pick at me and constantly criticize me. Nothing to be done. DH and his Sis and MIL are all about 80% deaf w/o their hearing aids and of course they don't' ever wear them, so it makes conversations impossible.

The final straw came when I went with DH to see her and fix some things around her house right after I had gotten the 'all clear' after cancer & chemo of 18 months. She never spoke a word to me during the 2 years of TX. And so what does she say to me, first thing? "So, when is the cancer coming back?"

That was it. More stuff happened that day, but it ENDED up with me walking out the door and never returning. DH had been there, but he didn't HEAR her, so he believed HER, not me.

I have not spoken to nor seen her in about 2 years. I don't give her any energy. This goes against my character, but I just...can't. 44 years is long enough to take the heat for EVERYTHING that is wrong in her life.

Really, it's sad. She could have had a loyal, loving friend in me. She chose this and I can't change it.
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BeenThroughThis and notgoodenough,

There are such people in the world (and they are always narcissists) who will go "too far" with their instigating and trouble-making.
Like accusing someone of being a child molester. That's a classic. Ot a thief, or a drug addict/alcoholic, or a pervert of some kind.
I know people like this. In fact, I have relatives like this. My second husband's grandmother was this kind of person.
Family learns to ignore these liars because they know they're doing it to get attention and because they thrive on fighting and discord. They enjoy seeing their families miserable especially if they can be in the thick of it.
With some things like child molestation or sexual harassment all it takes is an accusation. It could be the farthest thing from the truth, but the seeds of doubt get planted.
I don't know if either of you are familiar with the Harry Potter book series. If you are then you will know what dementors are. A dementor is a creature that feeds on people's misery, sadness, anger, negativity, etc... and it makes them stronger. They guard the prison.
Bluewillow's parents sound a lot like this. My husband's grandmother was like this too. So is my own mother to a degree. She wouldn't actually accuse someone on child molesting or violence because it would of course always be the victim's fault anyway with her.
I'm just saying there are people like this. As for Bluewillow's kids choosing grandma and grandpa. The grandparents could easily be covert narcissists. The grandkids may have known nothing but love and kindness from their grandparents and think dad is overreacting. The same way some people think I am when I tell the truth about my mother and my experience in my family.
This being said, who is going to call the police on their own mother? Imagine how that story would get spun around by a covert narcissist? Or how the grandkids would react? They'd turn on their parents. A poor old grandmother has the cops called on her by her own son and DIL for no reason.
Grandma would give an Oscar-worthy performance too along with getting so much attention and sympathy too from the cops.
Bluewillow's parents have put her and her husband in a tight spot for a long time. They deserve to be cut some slack.
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notgoodenough Feb 2022
Listen, BC, I get it about evil grandparents. I had 2 sets of them (with the exception of my mother's father, who was a decent, albeit quiet guy).

It's just this story. The OP's responses to these parental attacks are so far out there. I also get the grandparents putting on a show for the grandkids, but come on: according to the OP, granny tried to run dad off the road! If the grands were still little, I could see their loyalty to granny and pops, but once they're grown? With kids of their own? Do you think they'd really want these Narc grandparents around their own children, to the exclusion of their own parents? Something here just doesn't ring true. Even the most self-absorbed parents ought to be seeing that something just isn't right here.

Now, IF dad molested his children, and children went to MOM's parents to talk about it- now, that would explain a lot of the out-there family dynamics.

You have a husband that you have describe as a good guy. If someone did these terrible things to him, would it be your reaction to in essence shrug your shoulders and say "well, that's just them being them." Would your reaction to your mom trying to run your beloved hubby off the road be "How crazy is that?" I sincerely doubt it. Even the biggest milquetoast on the planet would look at that behavior as simply intolerable and be done with it.

As I said, for the sake of these kids, I hope I am dead-on wrong. And I stand by my statement that the OP and family need way more help than they're going to get in this forum.

I think I might be done with this particular scenario, because I have to believe there is a lot more going on here that the OP is admitting to. And I really don't want to get sucked into the drama of "what if" and "he said/she said". This really isn't about caregiving, anyway, just dysfunctional family dynamics. And I've had enough of that in my life as it is.
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I am sorry I don't have concentration tonight. Call it fatigue. Pandemic. War..not belittling the OP's issues.. I'm just tired.

Bluewillow I love your pretty teapot profile pic. It gave me cheery tonight 😀

I say time to REALLY get out of that family F.O.G.

Open your eyes. Watch. Are they nice people? Maybe with a witty but often blunt humour? Or are they nasty, hurtful, snide, rude?

I applause the husband making his own decisions on who to spend his time with.

Wat about you Blue?
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This is an update from Blue Willow which I almost missed:

"For example, one thing that stands out in my mind which happened early in our relationship is the time my mother was driving and passed my husband on the highway and actually ran her car at him, causing him to swerve to miss her. How insane was that? I should have called the police on her. Trying to start a rumor, she told her neighbor that my husband was a child molester and we didn’t find that out until many years later (of course no one believed her accusations) When she knew my husband was home and I wasn’t, she would call repeatedly and hang up on him. I confronted her about that and guess what- she denied it!".

I can't think of ANY appropriate response.
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notgoodenough Feb 2022
I missed that as well, Barb...

I'm sorry if this offends anyone, but now I have to wonder if, perhaps, the allegations against her husband aren't entirely without merit. I mean, she wouldn't be the first wife to turn a blind eye to a husband's molestations. This would explain the rather bizarre relationship they seem to have with their kids, where the kids are in effect choosing their grandparents over their parents.

I certainly hope I'm wrong about this, but either way, I think the OP (and really the entire family) needs way more help than she can possibly hope to get in an anonymous internet forum.
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@BlueWillow527, the fact that your mother falsely accused your husband of CHILD MOLESTATION and neither of you reacted by suing her and then never speaking to or seeing her again is outrageous.

I am literally — literally — sickened, and so sorrowful for your innocent husband.

And then you breezily wrote “…of course no one believed her accusations”. How do you know that no-one believed those vile accusations?

My God, if I were your husband that would’ve been the moment I divorced you and tried to get custody of the kids, leaving you to wallow along with your sick self-absorbed, evil mother who tried to drive her car into his car, which could well have killed him. She actually tried to kill him as well as accusing him of child molestation. Don’t you hear how sick that is?

You need to look in the mirror and figure out why you, yes you, have allowed this outrageous abuse of your husband to go on so long.

And other posters, I don’t want to hear your bleeding-hearted replies to me telling me I’m harsh. This woman needs to accept the truth. Would you personally accept for your own loved one the criminal abuse lobbed at and heaped upon BlueWillow527’s innocent husband? Not one of you would.

I stand by my post.
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I applaud your husband. No one needs to put up with being treated like crap.

I also applaud you for supporting him.

I only have one question - has their behavior become worse in the last years? At their advanced ages, I can't help but wonder if they have some amount of dementia that could be making them behave even more poorly than they used to.

Finding ways to get everyone together on your turf so that hubby can attend is an excellent plan. And then have events at your son's so that they can be included. Kind of awkward to have a party next door and not invite them.
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bluewillow527 Feb 2022
Thank you so much for your kind words and for applauding us.

My mom seems to be more subdued, mainly because of mobility issues, as in she can’t slam doors and throw books, etc. like she used to. My dad seems to have gotten a little worse and seems to delight in ordering everyone around and being demanding.

I’m confident now after reading all the great advice here that everything will work out ok!
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Narcs are the worst people to be around. I am dealing with a narc sibling. The less you have to deal with them the better. Sorry
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bluewillow527: Perhaps the events can be held at your house sans narcissistic parents.
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Kudos to your husband for standing tall. No one needs to be crucified continually. If your kids host a party and your parents are there... you can go alone but make sure you have a "date" night with your husband when you return. Since I'm sure he would like to spend time with your children and grandchildren, the two of you can host a gathering for them ... without your parents. If you want to maintain a relationship with your parents that's fine too.............. take them out to lunch once a month. If they get snarky and start to make remarks about your hubby you can be nice and just say "oh my look at the time I have to go" or you can be truthful and say "if you want to have lunch with me today, you better act like intelligent adults and knock off the dumb remarks about my husband because this lunch can end right now" and then mean it. Call for the waiter and the check and usher them home. Then go home and have a really nice date night with hubby!!
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Explain to your children that you & your husband would like at least some visits where he leaves happy instead of angry and frustrated. It’s remarkably selfish for grandparents living next door to have easy access all the time and begrudge you visiting your children without them included. My guess: the grandparents would dump their abusive behavior on your kids if they (grandparents) thought there was an event without them.
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Glad you vented & that you are getting very supportive & helpful responses. Hard for us as Adult children of NPD-Narc Parents to put ourselves in a priority position. Sad, isn't it?! Reallyyyy sad. As Adults, we struggle (no matter their horrible behaviors) to put boundaries in place. We struggle to protect ourselves. We feel guilty if we "think" about not including them. So used to working with & around their terrible behaviors. Your Hubs is 100% right on! He should not EVERRRR have to attend. Time to get creative & sched diff get togethers with them and separately with the 2 of you, and the Kids..etc. Change up the traditions! Create new ones. I had to go soooo hard core on my Mom this year. My Dad was just about to pass. Holidays were around the corner. She couldn't have him pass at home. She made comments "If I were in his position, I wouldn't get the same attention." She couldn't handle seeing him 2 mos before he passed. Anyhow, I realized I needed to hard & fast --hold firm to what I knew would be best for my peace of mind & my grown Kids. We celebrated T'Giving & Christmas with her day(s) prior at her place. Told her my Kids needed to celebrate with their Dad & other relatives actual day..plus I didn't want to be driving in traffic. I wanted to have peace on the actual Holidays. Told her we celebrate all of the Holiday season. I felt wonderful on those days. I stood up for myself and my Kids. You can do it. Time to change up the traditions!!!! You got this!
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So simple.
First, I'm so proud of your husband. This is a man, with self-respect.

Btw, don't you think he'd like to spend time with his children and grandchildren?
This is your man. He's got feelings.

I don't understand how anyone, would make allowances for bad guys, and permit mistreatment of a good guy, your husband.

I've got to say it again, I soooo applaud your husband.

When your parents pass you will be left with 3 things; your memory of how crappy they were; secondly, how you ate poop, and third; the years and years of allowing them to shovel it on your husband. Shame.

You have the added benefit of knowing that family has it imprinted on their brains the memory of witnessing this sad treatment.

Honor your good guy husband. Don't go either.
Have family get-togethers without the bad guys

I'm not saying to mistreat your parents. You've got to have class.
Take and make phone calls. Keep it general. Say that you've got to go when they get stinky.

In a quiet, strong, and unoffensive manner show the younger people of your family that poop eating is NOT okay in ANY circumstance and very importantly instruct by behavior how to (not stop it, because you can't) avoid it with dignity.

Take your parents out to lunch every 2 - 3 weeks, just you and them. If they make remarks either change the subject, or where it fits say - you know why, and when they get insistent or petulant say - got to go now. There are tons of deflective one liners.
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I think your husband is going on a healthy direction, I’d follow his lead.
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How about if you and your husband start having your own family functions that your parents are not invited to? I'm sure your children would rather have their father at some special occasions they're hosting instead of their grandparents because they know how badly and disrespectful your parents treat their father.
I don't blame your husband for finally drawing the line with these people. He's put up with it for 33 years and enough already. Your kids should start excluding grandma and grandpa if they behave so badly and disrespectfully to your husband. Yes, they are your parents but he's your husband.
Your husband tolerating their abusive behavior is not 'keeping the peace'. It's keeping the narcissistic bullies in charge of every family occasion.
My second husband is a good guy. His parents and family are nice people who were good to me and still are. The problem was his grandmother (on father's side). She was the biggest c-word that ever drew breath. Treated her whole family like garbage especially my poor MIL and she lived with my in-laws. Every time from the first time I met the family grandmother would ask me why I'm so fat and why don't I try to lose weight. I'm not a small woman but I'm not obese. Even if I was, there's no need for that. She's point to her DIL and say that I didn't want to get like that fat pig. Then she'd snicker.
I just ignored her for a few years out of respect. Everyone pretty much did. Until it was my MIL's 60th birthday. Grandmother didn't like that she was getting a party and for one day she wouldn't be the center of attention. God forbid her DIL should enjoy her special birthday. I came, she started with her weight remarks about myself and my MIL. I lost it with her and screamed right in her face that she wasn't going to ruin the party for my MIL. Who cleans up her piss and sh*t every day, feeds her, washes her clothes, and gives her a place to live. I then told her to STFU and nobody cares what she thinks. I was supposed to bring her to the party (it was a surprise). Instead, I called a friend of mine and hired her to come and sit with grandma. I explained to grandma that my birthday gift to my MIL was that she was going to enjoy her special party without that beast wrecking it.
I told everyone at the party that grandma said she wasn't feeling great and that my friend (who they knew) was going to stay with her.
She never made a snide comment to me or to my MIL in front of me ever again. In fact, she never spoke a word to me again. If I was at some gathering with the family she would leave the room if I came in. Good riddance. That old __________ finally died a few years after that party. They never put her in a facility. My MIL enjoyed her party.
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lkdrymom Feb 2022
Bravo!
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