My son thinks we should watch my husband 24/7 and is wearing himself out watching the camera feed in the room. He is resentful that I won't do the same and/ or physically visit stay with him during the day. I make sur that I am there for lunch and dinner, Mon - Fri, and dinner on the weekends. He goes there every evening and gets him bathed and up on the weekends. This is his choice. My other son comes as frequently as he can.
How do I help him understand and not feel resentful towards me?
Your son needs to reset his thinking, you are entitled to a life as well.
Time to dial back, if necessary, remove the camera as your son definitely is over the top.
Good Luck!
Give your son a solid week of taking 'care' of his dad, whatever that looks likes. (Impossible, that's how it looks--but he has to find that out on his own!)
I don't think your DH really qualifies for AL at this point. IF you are going to the AL every single for 6+ hrs, you basically have no breaks, just evenings and a little bit of time in the morning. AND your son thinks you should be watching the 'dad' channel the rest of the time?
All the AL is doing is providing your DH a place to sleep. They probably love it that THEY don't have to do anything!
However, if this is working for you and it's what you want to be doing for possibly years--keep it up. Your call.
Your son is kind to do all he does--I imagine he is single, I can't imagine a wife & kids putting up with this amount of time being given to a man who HAS all the things in place to help him live fairly independently.
I know change is really, really hard. But acc to your son, dad needs to be babysat 24/7 and you may as well have him home as the level of care the family provides is really beyond what any AL would expect.
Your call, and son should respect that.
Oh, and the fall? Old people fall. Having eyes on him via a monitor is not going to prevent falls. My friend who has been in a NH for almost a year (botched brain surgery left her with a lot of deficits)...fell out of her wheelchair and broke her hip. Probably 10 people within 'reaching' distance and she still fell, hard.
People fall. He fell once, he'll fall again.
Falls happen. At most ALF no one even goes to the hospital unless face or head is hit. The person is checked over and on they go.
It's important to get what assistive devices are needed. That is to be decided by MD and PT. It's important that the correct level of care is there (ALF versus MC, and the staffing changes that occur with "moving on up").
After that, yes, there will be falls.
You will need to tell your son that he must do what he must do, but that there will now be falls, and the best thing to do is give a prayer out to god or the fates that there is no serious injury (for THAT, as well, is likely a given that is coming).
As an old RN and as an OLD PERSON, let me tell your son, falls WILL happen. Whether you see them occur or you don't, they are coming. Speak with the admin both to warn them of level of care and checking needed, and to get comfort from their reassurance. But falls will happen. It's just a part of it all now. And not everything can be fixed.
As to your son feeling resentful?
You can't "make him" anything. We cannot change others. Say your piece to him, and then he will have to feel what he feels. At some point you may need to tell him he has a right to his feelings but not a right to slather them all over YOU. You have enough of your own. Blunt honesty is sometimes the only answer. And, again, not everything can be fixed.
This watching their elders age is painful. It was for me watching my own folks. It was for me watching my brother. It is NOW for my children watching me. Worrying if I have "plans". Worrying what is coming for me, and hence for THEM. This is the price of loving. It must be paid.
Let your husband make friends where he lives. Reclaim your life. Visit when you feel like it. Make each visit special. But don’t make his life your life.
If I were your husband, I’d resent being monitored 24/7.
If this is merely your son's impression, then perhaps you need to point out that treating Dad like a child will keep him from settling into his living situation because he's enabling his helplessness.
Falls happen to everyone, and neither assisted living, eyeballs on cameras, nor 24/7 home care will prevent them. Your son isn't being realistic, and this is probably more about his inability to accept his dad's decline than anything else.