My husband is in denial about his mother causing him discomfort.

Hi Astrid - I just read your last comments...you sound like a strong, clear-headed and smart person. I totally understand how sometimes life happens, and over time, we find ourselves in situations that we never imagined - and sometimes these are the most defining moments of our lives where we need to take the reins and redirect our life path for a better outcome. It sounds like you're at that pivotal point where some type of change needs to happen - you cannot go on like this, and the realization of that should fuel you to put a plan of action in place - and visualize what your next steps should be. Whenever I've had to make major changes in my life, that's basically how it all began for me.

You've received very constructive and great advice from many on this post - I hope this helped you to take a step back, and assess your situation from an objective and constructive viewpoint. So, based on all that you've read and learned, my suggestion is for you to literally write down a plan and the steps so it's not overwhelming and it's more effective in accomplishing - and the time line.

What do you feel are the steps that you'd like to put into motion - and the time frame? By the way, we're all virtually cheering you on on the sidelines and wishing you all the very best!!

"Believe me I wish she would take her money and go elsewhere. I want none of her money. I have resented the fact that she clearly knows she can live somewhere else but chooses to have her son enable her to have no responsibility at our expenses."

This entire problem you have is because of your husband. You have a husband problem NOT a MIL problem. If your husband refuses to ask his mother to leave then you will have no choice but to 1. suck it up and accept that she will be living with you until she dies or 2. make plans to leave your husband and move out with your kids.

"I get told everyday that this is my house my money.."

Astrid I am so sorry you are in this abusive relationship. It is abusive. Verbal, emotional & financial.

I get you want to stay stable, have stable housing, for you and the children.

In my city there is a low cost councelling service. There is a wait list but an intake officer that triages. (I used it for marriage councelling but as my situation was stable & not abusive I had to wait). This service has marriage coucelling, individual councelling & also councelling to make solid plans when separation was the sensible path - to find resources, to find housing solutions (private rental or social housing agencies), to find low cost legal advice for separation of assets.

I would start with Lifeline & ask for every helpline & local service to help women escape abuse.

I have given this advice to a women I know, separated but not legally divorced. She also is not ready to do it alone, not ready to work & support herself or children. Is therefore dependant on that man for housing (nice large house) & all costs of their living. She is not being physically abused & has chosen to wait. This is a very personal decision. I get needing stability.

Myself, I know I have been happy in my life when my home is stable (even if not ideal: living in a sharehouse, in a house with outdoor toilet, without a car etc).

Women I know have rented small apartments when starting out as a single parent. One even used tents to section private sleeping areas for her son & daughter as not enough bedrooms.

Keep reaching out for help. It may be you can find a quicker path to home security for you & your children sooner, rather than waiting to finish your degree.

I think you are in denial about how screwed up your husband and your marriage is....Unfortunately you have kids with him so it makes it harder to cut ties as easily but you will get alimony and child support - so there's that. Time to move on and please for the love of god stop having sex with him and don't get pregnant again if you decide that this man who is making your life a living hell is worth having sex with and continue to do so.

Hi Astrid - I just read your responses below - based on all that you explained, there is NO POSSIBLE WAY that the situation that you and your husband are in will succeed. You both need to make revisions to what's currently in place or you'll wind up going bankrupt. Here's some steps ~
1. His mother needs to take her money and decide on other options - find an apartment, senior community - whatever. Explain that financially, this is weighing you down and you cannot sustain your house and mortgage as is. She needs to find her own life, social life, etc - you and your husband overextended yourselves and you need to explain that to her - plain and simple. Decide on a time frame and stick to it - how long will it take her to research other living arrangements? Your husband can help her with the steps and this doesn't need to be a negative - she should have done this a long time ago - she'll be happier in the long run.
2. You and your husband need to downsize from your larger house - find something else that's affordable - because you cannot continue taking out loans - just do a financial plan and make the appropriate changes - as soon as possible.

That's pretty much it - your husband seems to be running from this situation and probably overwhelmed and fearful - who cares what his mother thinks - she's selfish and shouldn't have placed either of you in this situation and the longer she takes advantage, the longer you'll both be suffering. If he doesn't have a backbone to take the reins and make the necessary changes, then this will continue to implode. I'm sure you'll feel a whole lot better once you can find your own employment as well because waiting for an "allowance" from your husband and being continually criticized for spending too much would be depleting for anyone to go thru.

I hope you make the necessary changes - best wishes ~

I kind of remember reading about this situation from a while back. This does not sound like a good situation to be in. There is not much more I can say after reading all of the information given by these wise ladies here on AC.

This post did jar my memory of my mother telling me about her MIL leaving my grandfather for some stupid infraction and coming to stay with them in their small house. My brothers were still living at home and I don't think I had been born at the time. Anyway, my mother and grandma didn't get along. She was bossy and was always doing and saying things to get underneath my mother's skin. Of course, ma complained to dad.

Not making excuses for men, but I think they feel caught in the middle between mom and wife. Dad was like this. Fast forward, granddad called and told grandma to come home. Granddad knew how grandma was with her mouth, and some way was able to get her a bus ticket and back to North Carolina she went.

I reread your post from May 8 when you called yourself Louisiana and said your kids were just starting high school and middle school.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/i-feel-very-taken-advantage-of-what-is-fair-487172.htm

In this post you say your kids are "all very young" and you're kinda stuck. Being in high school and middle school means they're gone most of the day so......

Then you say "I am not on the deed to the home. I am given a set amount of money each week for all needs for my kids and all groceries and gas and all household expenses this is not much but I still am told that the reason we struggle is because I spend too much which is ridiculous and insulting considering I scrimp and save and have had to put back items at the dollar store to remain in budget while his mom goes and eats at restaurants all the time and brings home lobster and filet minions to cook for only herself."

This story you tell is getting harder and harder to comprehend, tbh. Is your husband/partner some sort of svengali or misogynist who won't put the "little woman" on the house deed, doles out a small allowance which forces you to put back items in the Dollar Store it's so small???? And who's ok with his mother bringing home a feast for herself while you all eat crumbs? 🙄

This is too unrealistic for me to absorb, OP, that you're taking this nonsense from a man and his mother, sorry. How do you "love" someone who treats you like garbage? Have enough self respect to say NO, I will not tolerate this disrespect from the man-child who is supposed to love and stand UP for me and our children.....not for one more minute. This is a prime example of when love is not enough.

If this man loves you, it's time to show it by kicking mommy out, going to his job every day, putting you on the deed, marrying you, and having a JOINT ACCOUNT where you get to spend what's REQUIRED to run the house for the family.

Personally, I'd leave, but I'd never have stood for any of this disrespect to begin with.

Good luck.

Burnt has given you the same advice that I was thinking of.
What you need to do is figure out if you want the relationship or not. I can not imagine being happy with this situation.
Do not do anything until you have talked to a divorce attorney. You need to make sure you are protected as well as the kids.

It does sound like HE has some mental health issues, possibly depression. And it is very possible that he knows what having his mother living with you is doing to the relationship but he feels (lets use this word) guilt for letting her move in, not setting boundaries, not making her pay her fair share. He may feel that he is obligated to allow her to live with you. I would bet he would not see his doctor about this but if you can send a note to his doctor so that they are aware that there has been a change.

Again, and I am not one to shout divorce or give ultimatums but in this case seeing a divorce attorney is where you should start.

Thank you for all your advice. I know that I clearly need to remove myself from this situation with my children. It is hard to do though when you still have love and hope that you can have a family. It is hard for me too because of finances. I appreciate all your comments and thoughts and I plan to set some boundaries or move on from this with a plan. Thank you for taking the time to respond to me

I don't get it. What am I missing?

The Husband is impulse spending & not working. (Mental health??)
The MIL is able bodied yet moved in. (A Moocher ??)

Astrid, the OP here, is hands-full raising 3 young children & doing night collage classes.

Is the family independantly rich?
Living on a trust find?

Or is MIL holding the purse strings? Actually keeping this household financially afloat?

Has MIL has become resentful? Has set limits & won't dole out extra cash (to these non-earning adults).

Is Husband resentful? Being expected to 'be The Man' & work? (Is he a gamer sitting at home in the basement?)

Is the OP resentful, having no access to household funds?
** Has this slide into a financial abuse situation? **

Please tell me everything I wrote is wrong! I DO NOT mean to insult you Astrid! I am trying to get a fuller picture. There are guys that have stumbled, taking on the husband, father, provider role. Maybe that is what is happening?

It would be great if this all turns & works out for you all.

You got plenty of advice to choose from. Either make a plan or choose to mess up your life.

Before you do anything, make an appointment with a divorce lawyer for a consultation and find out what your rights are. You will have to have a plan of action in place for you and the kids just in case your husband chooses "mommy" over his wife and kids. Your best interests and the best interests of your kids must be protected.

After this is done and arrangements have been made, you throw down the gauntlet with your able-bodied, able-minded, senior brat MIL first by telling her to move the hell out of YOUR (and it is your house. Even if it's only in your husband's name, you have three minor children any divorce lawyer worth his salt will make sure it's YOUR house in the divorce settlement), but let's not get ahead of ourselves here.

After you'vr spoken to your MIL, you speak to your husband. You make it very plain to him that either his mother goes or his wife and kids do. This is non-negotiable and no compromise. She goes or you and the kids do.

If he chooses "mommy" over his wife and family, then do the plans you have arranged and go yourself and proceed.

You and your kids deserve better than to live in such a situation. Their father does not set a good example for them if he's disrepectful to their mother and allows grandma to also be.

Hi Astrid - your husband and MIL are clearly in an enmeshed relationship - and you've tried reasoning with your husband about this and it didn't work. You can't "save" your husband- and clearly, you can't get thru to him - he doesn't want to hear it...so all you can do is "save" yourself. This situation of the three of you cohabiting isn't going to improve - you'd be better off letting your husband know that his mother needs to start her own life and move out. If either of them are resistant to this, then you really need to plan your own life - somewhere else. Plus, you said that your husband is mean and nasty to you...who needs that? He's being dominated by his mommy and he's using you as a scapegoat for his problems. Sounds like a "mama's-boy" to me - and immature.

His mother should be living on her own, with her own social life...and it should begin now. I think you need to stand firm and strong, and have confidence in yourself.

In my first reply to this I asked who else is involved. Your reply was “I am all alone in this. I have no family or support”. Now you have three children! They may be too young to provide support, but they are certainly involved. What is this situation doing to them? Since you don’t have a magic wand to transform DH or MIL, what is in the children’s best interests?

Please stop expecting change from a man and his mother who’ve so clearly let you know they aren’t interested in changing. You’re the outsider here, and while that’s wrong and sad, it’s still true. Get out of the whole relationship and situation. Stop being a doormat for them to walk over, think of what it’s showing your children. Time for a lawyer and sound advice. I wish you the courage and will to change your life

Did you marry this man since your last post in Jan 23????? If so, why???

Did you read the many responses or take any of the advice given to you in your Jan 23 post??

"Couples therapy" is a useless suggestion.....your partner is not part of a couple and has no interest in fixing this. Or working. How on earth are the bills getting paid???

You cannot fix something your husband and his mother do not WANT fixed. That you are still in this situation after 4 years, and possibly married now, speaks volumes about what you're willing to tolerate from this man and his mother! That your feelings are 100% disrespected is okay with you? That makes no sense to me. Because you are financially reliant on this man who'd pay you child support if you were to split is no reason to stay.

Get a job and become financially reliant on YOURSELF together with the child support your man is obliged to pay. Be strong enough to stand up for YOURSELF when nobody else will. You have no voice in your own home. How is that a healthy environment for children to witness?

See a lawyer yesterday. Find out what YOUR legal rights are and go from there. Because you have NO RIGHTS in your own home, they've been given over to a very weak man and his overbearing mother!

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/what-is-my-mil-thinking-living-with-us-how-much-is-fair-479442.htm

The above is your first post from Jan 2023. I think it explains your situation that has worsened. Your DH may feel torn and now depressed which will cause the wanting not to work and making impulsive decisions. Torn in that he wants to please both of you but can't and takes it out on you.

I think you need to make a decision here. I so hope you have a job. Maybe time to talk to a divorce lawyer and see what your entitled to. D**m if I would be supporting 2 adults and taking abuse too.

I think really this is a marriage problem. I don't think it is an elder care problem. The elder you mention is about my daughter's age and as able bodied.
It seems to me your husband has chosen his mother and her wishes over his wife.
It seems to me that the wife (that's you) has little to say about anything in this marriage.
All the bickering in the world is not going to change anything.
I would seek marriage counseling, even if I went alone (which is almost certain to be the case), so that I could clearly grasp my options for my future.

I wish you the very best. It is never easy to live with others, whether husband, mother-in-law, children, roommates or caregivers. Sometimes the only answer is to protect your own portion of your assets so that you have options, and to give one another space and time alone, getting on with your own hobbies and life.

You are in a Triangular relationship and are being abused. Suggest couple counseling or get a divorce . My X was controlled by His Mother and took care of her the Last 5 years of her Life . She left him Nothing In Her Will But $1 Million went to a Museum and he Lives at the YMCA . He tried getting Back with me several times since 2017 . I would Never walk that road again .

How very heartbreaking that your husband has chosen to put his mother before you, his wife. There is something so very wrong with that picture.
Why did his mother move in with you guys to begin with if she is so "able bodied"?
Sounds like perhaps your husband is a mamas boy and I can only imagine that you knew that well before you agreed to marry him, right?
It's now time to give hubby an ultimatum....either you or his mother. And if he picks you then his mother HAS to go. Period. End of sentence.
BUT....don't be too shocked if he instead chooses his mother, and at which point you then say adios, and go file for divorce.
And tell hubby and his mother that you hope that they live happily ever after!
You deserve so much better in your marriage and I'm sorry that your husband isn't man enough to give you what you need.
Please don't continue to settle for less than.

The Mom “ able bodied healthy” and has plenty of money . This is not caregiver burn out .

I don’t understand why this woman lives with you .

And what “ mess have you created “ ?

You speak about your husband’s behaviors and how Mom has “ taken over his mind “ ?

How does the mother behave towards him and you ?

Is she very controlling , abusive etc . She needs to move out .

Divorce him and live your life because your husband is clearly a mommas boy who refuses to work or work through his issues.

Your husband needs counseling and help, but I'm sure he doesn't see it, he doesn't see what he is putting you through, he only sees his unhealthy mom and wants to fix her.

He can't fix her, I was putting my marriage not in harms way like you are but bringing home moms problems and the stress was definitely causing tension in are relationship. Then when I hit bottom, from trying to do to much, I saw what I was doing to us,

To get your husband to see what he is doing is probably impossible for you to do. I am so sorry. He is deep in this and it's not healthy for his mental, physical or marriage health, and bad for yours also. Until he wants help and sees that he is doing wrong I'm not sure what you can do.

Sorry I don't have better advice on how to get through to him. Please take care of yourself. Maybe get him on this forum or get him to read some of others post on burning out.

In my generation, and I'm just a few years younger than your MIL, we have a saying that goes "Two's company, three's a crowd", and it means the third person is not welcome.

Personally, this would be a line in the sand for me. You need to decide if you're willing to go on being the third person in this relationship, because that's what it looks like from the outside looking in.

I echo the advice for couples therapy.

There is a big difference between a grown man who is kind to his mother, yet puts his wife first, and a mama's boy who won't cut the apron strings and lets his mother run his life. I would rather be single/divorced than married to a mama's boy.

Your husband’s priority is supposed to be you, not his mother. Either your MIL leaves or you do. I think it comes down to this.

You are young, move on if you must. This sounds like a miserable existence.

Good luck!

"He is suffering and not going to work".

This stood out to me. The wider picture could include many things (eg mental health issues). Does he have a history of work non-attendance due to mood?

Many workplaces have an anonymous Employee Assistant Program. There are phone helplines, some specifically for men. Couples therapy is an excellent idea - to explore how this is effecting BOTH of you in a non-judgemental environment.

If he is not open to discussing, not open to reaching out (with you or without you) & is actively attacking you, then you will need your own plan. For your own safety & wellbeing.

If you wanted to leave, could you?

Do you have friends, family that could help, or your own finances to stay elsewhere?

You say that he is “not going to work, making impulsive purchases and not thinking clearly”. This actually sounds a bit like very-early-onset dementia. Have you considered that possibility? Or that he has a substance abuse problem or some other illness? If it might be true, think carefully about whether you want to stay married. How long were you married before 2020 when MIL moved in, and was it a happy relationship? There is a long time ahead to cope with something that difficult from someone who is already treating you badly.

If MIL is only 65, you and DH are likely to be in your late 30s. If DH is not working, what is happening to your finances? As well as divorce, you might consider going to a lawyer to separate your assets. If you are willing to think about these most serious options, it makes it less of a challenge to say that MIL or you, one has to go! Or at least, you both (even all) have to go to counseling.

If his Mom has plenty of money, why did she move in to begin with ?

Besides couples therapy , your husband needs individual therapy ……not working , impulsive purchases etc . He is depressed and his mother has some sort of hold over him .

I think you need to sort this out asap, sooner not later. Its obviously bothering you a lot.
If its difficult to sit down with your husband and have a serious talk, or if you think he wont absorb what you are saying, then couples therapy, as suggested, is a good idea

Please consider couples therapy. He needs to get an objective perspective on what's going on in his life, his house, his marriage. You are his priority, not his Mom. But he has to come to this conclusion himself and a good therapist will help him see this, if he's willing.