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My husband still knows me and we look forward to seeing each other. I visit him about every other day. He has balance issues and uses a walker. I am hoping to make our anniversary special to both of us. There is a spiritual retreat within 2 mi of where he lives. He still wants to come home with me. Am I opening a can of worms to spend the night with him? I take him out occasionally for a special lunch or a drive in the country and he does fine. Thank you

Congratulations,

Maybe make a month of special events?

Cake and celebration at the memory care one day.

A week later lunch out and celebration at a restaurant.

A week later 2 hours mid day at the retreat?

I'd talk to both the retreat , memory care, and restaurant in advance.
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Reply to brandee
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Take him out on a special lunch and a little drive in the country. Happy Anniversary to you too! Stop by the restaurant before hand and tell them you want to make it special.
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Reply to brandee
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Yes, you are opening a can of worms if you take him out of the facility for an overnight.

Going out for a lunch or a drive is not the same thing as having someone with dementia severe enough to have to be in memory care outside their facility for the night. You say he has mobility issues and uses a walker Does he also 'sundown' in the evening hours? Is he incontinent? I ask this because you will be on your own if he flips out because it's getting dark outside, or makes an incontinent mess, or has a fall.

How about instead of spending the night at the spiritual retreat, you bring him for a while during the day? Talk to whoever runs the place ahead of time and explain that you'd be taking your husband out of memory care for your anniversary. If it's a faith-based establishment they'll help you the best they can.

You can still make your anniversary special. 55 years together is pretty special on it's own. How about visiting the retreat early in the day then going out for a special lunch? Or visiting the retreat early and having a special lunch out, then cake at the memory care? Tell the kitchen staff you're bringing a cake and they'll put it in the fridge. Then it can be a bit of a celebration.

You don't have to spend the night somewhere and take a risk to make your anniversary special.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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I think you have to live life. Could there be negative repercussions? Sure

But that is life all the time

I dont know all the details and dynamics but other than that I would say do it

Cant be cautious all the time, life is short
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Reply to Karsten
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If you think he will be ok and since it is close.. i would do it. Have the best night you possibly can and things go awry, have a plan in place to take him back safely.
If it were me, I would risk the can of worms for a meaningful memory.
After all, it is always later than you think.
Carpe diem as they say
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Reply to FarFarAway
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BurntCaregiver Aug 16, 2024
No, not carpe diem when someone is advanced enough in their dementia to have to live in a memory care facility. Taking them for an overnight somewhere is not a good idea.

A change in daily routine can cause setbacks in whatever level of independence a dementia sufferer still has. It's not worth the risk.
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I would just plan an afternoon out to your favorite restaurant. Then you don’t have to worry about cleaning up incontinent accidents..or potential falls…or him wandering out and getting lost. That’s my opinion. Good luck! Hugs 🤗
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Reply to CaregiverL
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A retreat can have various definitions. If it is a type that has group activities, it probably is not a good idea. If it is designed for privacy for individual renewal or couples, it may not be a bad idea. I do like the idea that it is 2 mi away in that anytime it seems uncomfortable it would not be a big ordeal to return to the MC. He does not need to know the whole expectation for you is an overnight stay. If it is affordable, consider going there for your special meal and spending private time alone during the daylight hours... especially if it is a peaceful wooded or waterfront area.

We will be celebrating 55 in September and I would love to consider something like that. My husband has begun being disoriented in our home even in the daytime so I can only imagine how it may be worse at night in a brand new place.

Things I would consider if my husband were in memory care would be how long he has been there, how he adjusted when he first moved in and what accommodations are being made for him. Try to remember the reasons that you decided a move to MC would be best for him. Depending on how long he has been in MC, all of those reasons have probably progressed. Even if you believe he can handle an overnight, also consider if it is best for you to suddenly be his only caregiver even for only 24 hours.

If you have never been there, visit the facility and grounds prior to reserving to see if it is even practical to go... be sure to consider it through your husband's view. Several years ago, I found what appeared to be nice cabins in the mountains with all meals included. When I made the reservation I specified I could only do it if we could cancel when we arrived if it did not seem appropriate for my husband's limitations. It was beautiful and I really wanted to stay but quickly realized the paths had minor inclines (but too much for someone unstable) and all the cabins had a few steps to get into them. Fortunately someone referred us to a more perfect option nearby and we enjoyed the views without the safety concerns.

Thoughts and prayers go out to you as you weigh the pros and cons of everyone's the suggestions here. No one knows your husband like you do and dementia is very unique for each individual.
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Reply to KPWCSC
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I love that you have such a special relationship and are looking forward to celebrating 55 years together!
Only you know your husband. You don't mention why he is living in a memory care center, or what care is required to meet any physical limitations.
You have some time before November.
I would first spend a night with him at his care facility. This may not be possible if he's in a shared room, or it may prove too uncomfortable for you if you have to sleep in a chair. But it would give you a good idea of whether you can take care of his needs for 24 hours.
If his needs are not too demanding and you are able to manage it, he might really appreciate that you planned a special anniversary get away together.
As many here have pointed out, it could cause confusion or emotional distress for him. Our routines are important to us, and especially so if our brain is not working reliably. We count on that routine to keep us centered. We know where we are, and we feel safe when everything feels familiar.
Think this through thoroughly before you take him out for an overnight. Are you just wistfully trying to recapture the past? As I said, you know what he can handle, and I seriously suggest you spend 24 hours with him at the care facility to get a better idea. You may have to adapt your plans and do something special where he resides.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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Consistent routine in familiar surroundings is the best option for your husband. Think about doing something special along the lines of your usual outings.
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Reply to Taarna
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Della103: Do not bring him on the overnight retreat.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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PLEASE do not bring him home for an overnight.
And do not bring him to the retreat for an overnight.
If you want to take him out for dinner that would be alright and you can ask for the meal to be packed to go if he should decide that he wants to go...now!
If the Retreat is a day one and could be done in a few hours (and that might be pushing it) you could try that but again be ready to leave...Now!
Taking someone out for a special lunch or a drive in the country is one thing, taking them out of their safe environment for an extended time is a whole 'nuther thing.

If you want to spend the night with him you can ask if you can stay with him in the MC room.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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MiaMoor Aug 16, 2024
I agree with most of your advice. However, I wouldn't advise staying with him in the MC facility. I think it could cause problems later, if he didn't want his wife to leave and begged her to stay with him. It could set a precedence.
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Check out what the facility can offer. It may have a double room (or a double bed that can fit into a single room, or even two singles pushed together), and it may have a private dining room (many do, for family meals or for activities). If you can order a special meal to be brought in – with hired-for-the-night waiters, all appropriately dressed – you could have the best of both worlds. You want something safe, and nice, but you DON’T want something that could go badly wrong and leave you with unhappy memories.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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Let me start by saying Congratulations to you both!!!
Spending the night with your husband to celebrate your anniversary sounds like a beautiful idea. Since he does well on outings and still recognizes and looks forward to seeing you, it could be a meaningful experience for both of you. However, it’s important to consider his safety and comfort, especially with his balance issues.

To ease your concerns, you might hire a seasoned caregiver to assist with the overnight stay. They can help manage his needs, ensuring both of you can focus on enjoying the time together without worrying about any potential challenges.

By planning ahead and having extra support, you can create a special and memorable anniversary while ensuring your husband remains safe and well-cared for.
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Reply to QOLSAZ
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Congratulations on your marriage anniversary! It is unfortunate with your husband's condition, and he should not spend any overnight out of his facility. It is a great idea to celebrate your party in the facility where he lives.
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Reply to Patathome01
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Absolutely not. This will likely traumatize him.

One important stable for a person with advanced dementia is:

1. Familiar surroundings
2. People (staff, you) even if they forget
3. The constant is extremely important to keep the person as calm as possible - to avoid unnecessary overwhelm, confusion, fear, stress.

"Bring the party" celebration to him.

That he 'does fine' when you take him out for an occasional lunch / drive surprises me although I certainly wouldn't push it with an overnight trip.

My heart goes out to you.

Read / call Teepa Snow. She is one of the country's leading experts on dementia. You can take on-line webinars, watch her You Tubes, buy her books.

Gena / Touch Matters
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Bunny567 Aug 15, 2024
Wonderful and sensible answer! Bring the party to him🥳
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Don’t do it.

Your intentions are really sweet, but it’s likely going to mess him up. Dementia patients— especially in MC— tend to not do well when they are taken out of their routines.

If you do it, talk with staff and do it for a short period in the morning. Don’t wear him out and get him back by say 3 p.m.
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Reply to Southernwaver
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Not advisable. You have placed him in memory care for a reason. It can be very disruptive for him if you change his routine. Mentally he is not who he once was. If you remove him from the facility, you are taking a big risk. He won't even remember the outing, so why risk it. Plan a special day for you both by bringing in his favorite meal. Play music. Sit outside and talk about previous trips you've had together. Bring in a special dessert. There are ways you can celebrate the day with him without removing him from memory care.
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Reply to Jamesj
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You know your husband better than we do, so you are the best judge of this.
If you are wanting our reassurance that this cannot "go wrong" we can't give that. It "may" go wrong. But even if it does, you will have tried something you truly want to do.

An overnight is different than lunch out, but if you feel your husband can do this without sad repercussions, it is your right to try it. I do not think I myself would do so. This is where you are now, you and your husband. You are in a different place. You have good memories and I can clearly see a lot of love.

So, basically, up to you and what you think would be best. I would discuss with those who run his facility and get their insight here.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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skiger Aug 15, 2024
100 % agree.

I would not choose to do this due to the confusion it may bring on.

As AlvaDeer said…you know your husband better than anyone else. It is ultimately your decision.

one option could be to take him out to your favorite restaurant during a time that the restaurant is not really busy and crowded, as the noise and distractions could produce some anxiety. You want the outing to be pleasant for your husband.
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Ask if you can have a quite table in the corner of the room. Order in his favorite meal. Have non-alcoholic wine. Maybe some flowers. Just you and him. Yes, a cake to share with staff and residents.

Be aware that as his Dementia increases, you may no longer be able to take him out.
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Pyrite Aug 15, 2024
I would choose YOUR answer. It's a special event and he still likes being with you. I predict YOUR relationship and his awareness will last a much longer time than most broken brain relationships.
Refreshing to see compassion and concern instead of isolation.
You are probably the best person to judge if the night out gets out of hand or is deteriorating.
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Make the day special but do not keep him overnight.
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Reply to lkdrymom
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Why not have a beautiful anniversary cake at the memory care place and share it with others? Take some old photos and tell your love story to those who attend. You are still living the love story, so inspire others and bring joy to your husband at the same time. Taking him out is liable to be a hassle for both of you.
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cxmoody Aug 9, 2024
What a great idea. The caregivers would surely love that, as well!

I bet the administration would take pics, too!
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Not a good idea . Do not change his routine .
The most you should do is a special lunch and drive . Bring him back before evening and sundowning begins .
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Reply to waytomisery
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Take him out for another special lunch.

He’s in MC because he was probably too much for you to handle alone. Remember what that was like? You’d be setting yourself up for a special day gone BAD.

Congratulations on your anniversary!
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Reply to cxmoody
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No. He needs a stable, consistent routine now more than ever.
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