My husband says no theripts. I just can not go on, I have lost 50lbs. I get very little SS and a very small retirement, not enough to live on by myself
This is a slightly different approach. Your husband has upended your life and his own as well. He is not the first or the last guy who wanted ‘a fling’ before the end of his fading youth. He is ‘cold and mean’ and you are ‘so alone...and so depressed’. It sounds like a dismal marriage.
It might be a good idea for you to go to counselling to help you work out if you want this marriage to end, or if you want it to get better and continue. If you are not really hoping for it to end, you need to work on having a better life of your own. Being miserable doesn’t make you an exciting prospect for ageing together. Plan a 70th birthday party for him – that’s a milestone that might make him and the side-piece think again. Think about a trip away together. And find ways to enjoy yourself on your own, right now. That’s a good idea, whether or not the marriage ends.
There are plenty of people who (later) think that it’s a pity that their marriage didn’t survive the ‘mid-life crisis’ problem, just as there are people who wish they had made the split earlier. Counseling might help you work out which camp you are in.
Get serious about divorce, sometimes these guys, when facing that change, most do not, but either way a divorce is not a manipulation technique, it is a way to begin to move on and get what is fairly yours. And even he dumped GF and promised to change, I would be skeptical.
While this is a forum for care givers, I am a longtime advocate for Women's rights.
This is what I would do and also some of what I neglected to do when going through a divorce.
Change the locks, get an alarm system and a restraining order for emotional abuse. You will find a description for emotional abuse on the internet. Sometimes women do not recognize it and the damage it can cause. Do not meet with him alone. See a female divorce attorney. You may want to interview more than one. First visit is usually free. If there is a house to be sold the attorney takes their fee from your profit. Also get emotional support for yourself. (Family, friends, a good therapist and a support group for divorced people.) Drain the bank account and get copies of all important documents. Have proof of anything he owns such as stocks. Get a copy of his resume and insurance policies. Get all copies of documents that show his income. Make sure you have an unlisted phone number. Do not let him know your plans, do not confront or argue. Tell all your doctors you are going through a very difficult time. Make that a matter of record and keep copies of your medical records. Take pictures of everything in the house. Place all legal documents in a safe deposit box with only your name. Have a spare copy of all legal documents. Above all avoid confrontation. Make sure to move your personal papers to a safe place... not in the home. Pack up his personal belongings in boxes and leave them in a storage locker and mail him the key or deliver it to his work. Make a list of all you have contributed to the marriage.
You may think this is harsh, but most men do not play fair and are not nice when it comes to sharing assets with a separated or ex-spouse. Play hard ball just like the guys. It is their culture. Do not feel sorry for him. He will have lots of support from his girlfriend. If he plays fair, so can you. I am sorry this has happened to you. You will need to understand the legal side of this. So, get educated and you will feel strong. Good luck.
Not sure how you found your way to a caregiver forum unless he is your caregiver? I am guessing you are financially dependent on him at least and have little income and maybe he controls the finances in your relationship. You obviously have a phone or a computer so google divorce attorneys in your area that will provide a free consult or better yet use $ out of your joint account if you have one with this loser to pay for a consult. You are entitled to at least half of everything depending on the state you live in, maybe more. Does he mean no therapist for marriage counseling or that you cannot go to one for yourself? I hope you will consider finding one for yourself - You can thrive without him- you will be ok. It's scary now but it's like that old disco song" I will survive!" You will and you will be far better off without him. Karma will remember his address.
Is your husband cognizant? If so give him his walking papers. If he is not cognizant file a restraining order. Make sure you have the paperwork you need to have in order to place him in Memory Care when it comes to that.
If he is cognizant and has no other health problems you have the wrong forum for your problem. And as a side note... He may not want to see a therapist but you are entitled to seek the medical care that you need.
You're right about why is the OP posting on a caregiver's forum. However the answer to every hard time a person has is not meds.
Meds will not change the fact that this OP has a lousy, cheating POS husband and she can't take care of herself.
A good and vicious divorce lawyer who will take him to the cleaners will better benefit her than an anti-depressant will.
Meds do not cure financial dependency. Or give a person self-esteem and confidence. Learning how to be honest with yourself, how to have respect for oneself, and how to love yourself is what cures all three.
I remember when I was got engaged my second husband one of his friends wives made a snide remark about me being a CNA. She insinuated that marrying me was beneath his dignity being a well-educated professional man. The woman who had this opinion of me was a stay-at-home mom with two kids that threw up her meals and did pilates every day. She knew along with everyone else that her husband often entertained clients by taking them to high-end strip clubs and he cheated on her left and right. Usually with expensive prostitutes.
This woman really couldn't leave him though because she could never afford the lifestyle he provided on her own. So she just sucked it up and let herself be made a fool of every day by him. Of course she was on meds from some high end psychiatrist. She still had no respect for herself and was miserable because of it.
One day I confronted her about the CNA remark. I told her that I'd rather clean sh*t then have to eat it. I make my own money and life. I've lived pretty lean at times, but I adapted. The OP will be able to as well. It's not easy but it's better than living in the situation she's living in.
I am so sorry But you Know what you can do better and you deserve Better . Screw him and His 39 year old - she found herself a sugar daddy and Once she Is done using him will find another One . The Reality is No One wants to be with someone 30 years Older then them . A lot of woman dump the Much Older guy once he starts having health problems and Its time to change their Diapers . You Need to find yourself a Boyfriend But dont tell Him . I have a feeling this relationship is going to fizzle Unless she has a baby - That is the real deal breaker . ////////////////////////////. I will tell you a story My X dumped me for a 22 year old and Immediately had 2 babies with her . I had Just sent my son off to college and 9 Months Later he tried having me committed with His parents and a judges order and the police came to the House . He was a real scum bag . Really bad narcissist- Dr. Jekyl and Hyde type - alcoholic and drug addict - I was Only with him till I could get my son Into college and The House was suppose to be Mine But I was too trusting and never got anything in writing . Anyway I go away on a trip and he changes the Locks on the door - he had been Physically abusive which Is why I left and Had shut off the electricity . Long story short - he sells the House, property and Our art gallery and runs off with this Girl . /////////////////////////. Eventually she is feeling isolated because he is controlling her and leaves with the 2 children to her father s House . I think My X's Mother In law Bought her a house and Of Course she begins to see someone her age . My X still thinks they are In Love . She lets him Live In her Basement and he crashes 2 cars while drunk . She is supposedly going to marry this Younger guy and Kicks Out My X . Well X Goes to live in this woman's House and doesnt Pay her any rent Because he Is use to Using woman . His Mother had supported him her whole Life and she left nothing In her will for him even after he did her caregiving for 5 years and ran several art galleries for her . Long story short after Covid the Police were able to Physically remove him . my son told me " That Dad had not bathed In a year and the shower was filled with empty Pizza boxes . I said to my son " he May have alcohol induced dementia you have to be careful . " and My son said " he screams into the phone and wants me to buy him a House . " Because My X was use to getting His way with his Mother . Long story short he ends up at the YMCA and I believe he is still there after 3 years . The Young woman who used Him as a sugar Dady died 2 and a Half years ago . Do I feel bad for him or her ? No I watched karma in action . So Take what you will from this story - trust me you are better Off without him. Join a dating site - you will feel Much better . And get a divorce consultation but I would Not take his sorry Ass Back . and start doing some fun things Like Joining a Hiking group and meeting People . There is a Big world out there - go and enjoy it .
Grow up and make an appointment with a divorce attorney. Why do you not have enough income of your own to support yourself? That excuse has not been acceptable for women for 50 years.
Anyway, if you are in fact your husband's legal wife (not living together, commonlaw married, or shacking up) for the last 36 years, he will have to provide for you for the rest of your life. Any competent divorce attorney will make sure of this. So you not being able to take care of yourself won't matter and you can still divorce him.
Your husband should be ashamed of himself. He really should be, but it's time for you to have some respect for yourself and stop living with such a man. Please see a dicorve lawyer.
I realize you are trying to help but I think you could have said it a little easier. She is having a hard time and you are making it worse. Everyone has a different life and financial situation and since we don't know everything we can't really judge her for not having money. I hope she takes some of the advice you gave about seeing a lawyer and I wish her luck.
"I just can not go on".....Oh hell yes you can go on. And when the dust settles you will be much better off, without your sleaze bag cheater of a husband. So start by kicking the dirtbag out of your home and then call a divorce lawyer today! It's time to quit feeling sorry for yourself and grow a set of balls(even if you're a woman)and show your husband that you'll be just fine without him and wish him well with his 39 yr. old fling. And don't worry once your husband starts having health issues this woman(and I use the term loosely)will kick him to the curb before he knows what hit him. It happens all the time. But by that time you will be on the road to a much happier and healthier life without him. So put your big girl panties on and show your husband who's boss. YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
I am sorry you are going through this pain. You were married for a long time and you are going through the pain of losing your husband and then having him be in a new relationship. I know it stings because she is much younger than him. Are you divorced? If not, then your husband has made it obvious he does not want to be in the marriage anymore. You need to see a therapist whether he wants you to or not. There are several therapists that you can see that will take sliding scale if you are on SS.
It is understandable that you are sad not matter if your husband cheated on your or not. The ending of a relationship is sad especially since you were together so long. If you do not have any family, do you have any children you might live with for a little bit? If not, then look into living with a roommate or senior living type of situation. Please do not let yourself go over the end of a relationship. It feels like the end of the world. I know it's so scary to not know where you will be in life, but there are ways you can live. There is low-cost housing especially for senior citizens. You need to grieve and take time to heal yourself, but do it in baby steps. Make self-care your priority.
I'm confused.....your husband of 36 years is cheating on you with another woman who's 39 and refuses marriage counseling, is that right? You CAN go on and you WILL go on by getting yourself to a good divorce lawyer immediately! Long Term marriage means YOU get at least half if not more of the marital assets and if you don't live in a "No Fault" state, you can take him to the cleaners, leaving the girlfriend wondering why she got involved with a loser in the first place.
Don't leave......kick HIM OUT!
Stop at a nice restaurant after hearing uplifting news from the lawyer, and have a celebration cocktail too. I'm not trying to make light of this unfortunate situation you find yourself in, I'm just telling you to get angry now instead of sad. Also make an appointment with your doctor to discuss your depression and get on some meds to get you thru this difficult time.
You're worth it. Don't think otherwise. Sometimes bad things happen to good people as a way to open up a new life for them. Best of luck to you.
I would move into a room in the home of someone. That's for certain. Living as you do is a torture. I would rather be in a shelter with NOTHING, and starting over at the bottom than to live with such an evil person.
As far as a therapist, he doesn't wish to change. He can, this way, have it all, can't he. Empty the accounts. Go to a shelter. Or make the decision to STAY and make your own life. There are any number of places to be active. Your church, your library, volunteering with animals or people.
What you make of your life is up to you, not some man. Sorry to be so tough, but I doubt seriously that this is the first you understood you chose badly. This Forum is primarily for caregivers and elder care problems. You will find a huge number of pages online, and on Facebook, dedicated to marital issues and I encourage you to join them and I truly wish you the very best.
It might be a good idea for you to go to counselling to help you work out if you want this marriage to end, or if you want it to get better and continue. If you are not really hoping for it to end, you need to work on having a better life of your own. Being miserable doesn’t make you an exciting prospect for ageing together. Plan a 70th birthday party for him – that’s a milestone that might make him and the side-piece think again. Think about a trip away together. And find ways to enjoy yourself on your own, right now. That’s a good idea, whether or not the marriage ends.
There are plenty of people who (later) think that it’s a pity that their marriage didn’t survive the ‘mid-life crisis’ problem, just as there are people who wish they had made the split earlier. Counseling might help you work out which camp you are in.
Get serious about divorce, sometimes these guys, when facing that change, most do not, but either way a divorce is not a manipulation technique, it is a way to begin to move on and get what is fairly yours. And even he dumped GF and promised to change, I would be skeptical.
This is what I would do and also some of what I neglected to do when going through a divorce.
Change the locks, get an alarm system and a restraining order for emotional abuse. You will find a description for emotional abuse on the internet. Sometimes women do not recognize it and the damage it can cause. Do not meet with him alone.
See a female divorce attorney. You may want to interview more than one. First visit is usually free. If there is a house to be sold the attorney takes their fee from your profit. Also get emotional support for yourself. (Family, friends, a good therapist and a support group for divorced people.)
Drain the bank account and get copies of all important documents. Have proof of anything he owns such as stocks. Get a copy of his resume and insurance policies. Get all copies of documents that show his income. Make sure you have an unlisted phone number. Do not let him know your plans, do not confront or argue. Tell all your doctors you are going through a very difficult time. Make that a matter of record and keep copies of your medical records. Take pictures of everything in the house. Place all legal documents in a safe deposit box with only your name. Have a spare copy of all legal documents. Above all avoid confrontation. Make sure to move your personal papers to a safe place... not in the home. Pack up his personal belongings in boxes and leave them in a storage locker and mail him the key or deliver it to his work. Make a list of all you have contributed to the marriage.
You may think this is harsh, but most men do not play fair and are not nice when it comes to sharing assets with a separated or ex-spouse. Play hard ball just like the guys. It is their culture. Do not feel sorry for him. He will have lots of support from his girlfriend. If he plays fair, so can you.
I am sorry this has happened to you. You will need to understand the legal side of this. So, get educated and you will feel strong. Good luck.
If so give him his walking papers.
If he is not cognizant file a restraining order.
Make sure you have the paperwork you need to have in order to place him in Memory Care when it comes to that.
If he is cognizant and has no other health problems you have the wrong forum for your problem.
And as a side note...
He may not want to see a therapist but you are entitled to seek the medical care that you need.
Respectfully, why are you posting this on a caregiver's forum?
Are you on any meds for depression? If not, please see your primary doctor about this.
I agree with others to talk to a divorce attorney, discretely.
Also, BetterHelp.com is one site where you can get affordable, accessible therapy online. I'm sure there are others.
You're right about why is the OP posting on a caregiver's forum. However the answer to every hard time a person has is not meds.
Meds will not change the fact that this OP has a lousy, cheating POS husband and she can't take care of herself.
A good and vicious divorce lawyer who will take him to the cleaners will better benefit her than an anti-depressant will.
Meds do not cure financial dependency. Or give a person self-esteem and confidence. Learning how to be honest with yourself, how to have respect for oneself, and how to love yourself is what cures all three.
I remember when I was got engaged my second husband one of his friends wives made a snide remark about me being a CNA. She insinuated that marrying me was beneath his dignity being a well-educated professional man. The woman who had this opinion of me was a stay-at-home mom with two kids that threw up her meals and did pilates every day. She knew along with everyone else that her husband often entertained clients by taking them to high-end strip clubs and he cheated on her left and right. Usually with expensive prostitutes.
This woman really couldn't leave him though because she could never afford the lifestyle he provided on her own. So she just sucked it up and let herself be made a fool of every day by him. Of course she was on meds from some high end psychiatrist. She still had no respect for herself and was miserable because of it.
One day I confronted her about the CNA remark. I told her that I'd rather clean sh*t then have to eat it. I make my own money and life. I've lived pretty lean at times, but I adapted.
The OP will be able to as well. It's not easy but it's better than living in the situation she's living in.
Go to a divorce attorney alone and get what you deserve.
That excuse has not been acceptable for women for 50 years.
Anyway, if you are in fact your husband's legal wife (not living together, commonlaw married, or shacking up) for the last 36 years, he will have to provide for you for the rest of your life. Any competent divorce attorney will make sure of this. So you not being able to take care of yourself won't matter and you can still divorce him.
Your husband should be ashamed of himself. He really should be, but it's time for you to have some respect for yourself and stop living with such a man. Please see a dicorve lawyer.
So start by kicking the dirtbag out of your home and then call a divorce lawyer today!
It's time to quit feeling sorry for yourself and grow a set of balls(even if you're a woman)and show your husband that you'll be just fine without him and wish him well with his 39 yr. old fling.
And don't worry once your husband starts having health issues this woman(and I use the term loosely)will kick him to the curb before he knows what hit him. It happens all the time.
But by that time you will be on the road to a much happier and healthier life without him.
So put your big girl panties on and show your husband who's boss.
YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
It is understandable that you are sad not matter if your husband cheated on your or not. The ending of a relationship is sad especially since you were together so long. If you do not have any family, do you have any children you might live with for a little bit? If not, then look into living with a roommate or senior living type of situation. Please do not let yourself go over the end of a relationship. It feels like the end of the world. I know it's so scary to not know where you will be in life, but there are ways you can live. There is low-cost housing especially for senior citizens. You need to grieve and take time to heal yourself, but do it in baby steps. Make self-care your priority.
Don't leave......kick HIM OUT!
Stop at a nice restaurant after hearing uplifting news from the lawyer, and have a celebration cocktail too. I'm not trying to make light of this unfortunate situation you find yourself in, I'm just telling you to get angry now instead of sad. Also make an appointment with your doctor to discuss your depression and get on some meds to get you thru this difficult time.
You're worth it. Don't think otherwise. Sometimes bad things happen to good people as a way to open up a new life for them. Best of luck to you.
That's for certain.
Living as you do is a torture. I would rather be in a shelter with NOTHING, and starting over at the bottom than to live with such an evil person.
As far as a therapist, he doesn't wish to change. He can, this way, have it all, can't he.
Empty the accounts.
Go to a shelter.
Or make the decision to STAY and make your own life. There are any number of places to be active. Your church, your library, volunteering with animals or people.
What you make of your life is up to you, not some man.
Sorry to be so tough, but I doubt seriously that this is the first you understood you chose badly.
This Forum is primarily for caregivers and elder care problems. You will find a huge number of pages online, and on Facebook, dedicated to marital issues and I encourage you to join them and I truly wish you the very best.