Who is the POA or guardian now? That person needs to present copy of letter to DMV, needs to visit the DMV, needs to get the car removed from the property. Haulers don't need keys. Short of that, a bit of sugar or water in the gas tank may work?
Someone with cognitive or memory impairment should never use a ride service by themselves. It is unethical and dangerous. Unethical for the ride service to become responsible for the wellbeing of an impaired person's welfare. Dangerous even for people who are not compromised. This is NEVER a solution for someone with cognitive/memory impairment unless continuously managed by their PoA before, during and at drop-off/pick-up, or unless they are accompanied by a known and trusted travel companion. And they should only be going to well-known and trusted destinations, like the home of a family, friend, church, etc. -- never into public (like to a store or mall).
This is tough. It is difficult to give up independence. Everything in the USA is geared for driving. Every other ad on TV is for a car. Lock up the keys. If he has a car that is "his" remove it and it is "in the shop" While he is with you and you drive keep your keys so that he can not get them. Lock them up if you have to. I told my Husband that the medicine he was on said on the bottle that he could not drive while taking the medicine. When he would ask about the car I would tell him not until he was done with the medication. Eventually he stopped asking.
Side note and totally off subject but... You say you are not legally his wife and you have limited power. PLEASE make sure that you are protected and that you can help make decisions and that you are taken care of particularly if you two have been together for a long time.
If his car has a key fob that makes a start-stop button work, you could remove the battery. All batteries now arrive on a slow boat from China, and he may never be able to get a replacement. Commiserate and give thanks for the current supply crisis.
My dad had to have hip surgery and the Anesthesia made his Dementia progress rapid. While he was recovering I went through the whole house and took every car key and every spare that I could think of and put them all in a lock box that only I had the key too. When he would ask I would tell him that it was in the shop or that I had the keys I had to be strong I even tried reminding him that it’s not just him he could hurt on the road it could be his grandchildren, son, daughter or even a stranger. I tried the truth at first but he wasn’t grasping it And it’s still constant reminder that I have the keys. maybe get a note in the doctors handwriting saying he cannot drive at this time with her signature on a letterhead. Good luck
It is very sad. My Dad wouldn’t listen to a family member so we got a neighbor to talk to him and say “How would you feel if you killed a child.” That was what my Dad said when teaching us to drive and drive carefully. Meanwhile my Dad spent his remaining years looking out the window longingly at his car. Sad.
Have someone come at night when everyone is asleep and take the car. Visit the police ahead of time and let them know that he has dementia and will not give up the car keys, so you're having someone remove the car. This way they know what they're dealing with when the calls about the car being stolen start up. You have my sympathy because I know life is going to get hard for you for a while when the car is gone. Let this be a comfort to you. You're saving lives by taking the car away.
My family went through this same thing with my Pop. My Mom donated the car when he was asleep. It was hard for Pop at first, but he eventually accepted it. Having a letter from the doctor, DMV, or local police to show him is a good idea. I would try disconnecting the battery or something else in the car so that it will not start.
You said he doesn't believe doctor told him not to drive. How about a letter from doctor to patient (besides the notification to DMV) that you can pull out and show him each time he wants to drive?
Hello you’ll probably have to do some critical thinking… let air out tires… take battery out… have car moved to different location… he has to be shown “ the powers that be” lol oh don’t forget hiding the keys!! Good luck😊
I agree with the fact someone with dementia shouldn’t use Uber, Lift or a taxi without supervision.
Wait until he’s in the shower or asleep and take his keys. You could replace with a dummy key as people suggested, that will be less obvious to him. As someone else said, he can have jingle keys in his pocket.
Id do both, switch to a dummy key and if you have another car, disable his car just to have something else to stop him. Just say ‘oh well, we call someone on Mon (or whatever) to fix the car’. Just keep postponing. Be sure to always hide the keys to your car. I hate to say this, but this is temporary. Eventually he will forget about driving. He just needs to be kept safe until this passes.
This won’t help you, but with my husband it was fairly easy. We only have one car. We had to sell my car for financial reasons. I said I need to drive….I’m losing my driving skills, and I also need to get familiar with my husbands car. I’m not the best driver and his car was much larger than mine and I had only ever driven small compacts. He had a large 4 door sedan. He said ok. Well, in the next few weeks, I would drive wherever we needed. In that short time, he sort forgot about driving and I took over. Just like I’ve taken over bill paying, all decisions etc etc. He never really asked about driving. I just kept saying I need to learn to be comfortable in his car.
Also, I’m not 100% sure on this, however I think once you have a medical diagnosis of dementia on your medical records and you get into a car accident, your car insurance at not cover an accident. Think about…there’s an accident, your husband speaks with the other party involved; they think this guys doesn’t sound “all there”. The cops come and they speak to your husband and they think he’s not “all there”. They may have him transported to a hospital to be evaluated. Even if they didn’t, when the accident report goes to the insurance company and they read that your husband didn’t sound “right” if suspect dementia, they can get medical records. If they see diagnosis of dementia, well, right there they’ll see your husband was advised he not drive.
Remeber, it’s not just about your husbands safety, it’s everyone around. Yeah, it’ll be hard, but again it’s only temporary, He will forget about driving.
Just have someone disconnect the battery for safety until he realizes he can’t drive and gives up the keys. It is their sense of losing everything so that is what my neuro told me and it worked until he came to terms with the fact he could not drive.
Just circling back into this thread because a few responders have suggested using Uber and Lyft. Please know that it would be dangerous and unethical to have someone with cognitive impairment and/or memory loss use a hired service *by themselves* -- they need to be accompanied by someone other than the hired driver.
I know this from when my MIL was a county volunteer driver and also when she herself became impaired: the county's bus service would not take anyone who needed any sort of assistance, including my MIL with short-term memory loss.
I'm not sure if Uber or Lyft has this policy listed anywhere but I absolutely would not trust my LO to go by themselves or make the drivers (who are self-employed) be liable when they weren't given any warning. Very dangerous, very unethical.
YOU have the responsibility to remove the keys from his hot little hand. If you do not drive this particular car then remove it from the property. Either sell it or ask a family member to keep it for a while. It would be better to sell it though. There is no sense in paying insurance on a vehicle that will not be driven. Side note about the insurance. If your husband is listed as a driver on YOUR vehicle do not remove him as a driver. Just in case he gets hold of YOUR keys and takes it out you need to have coverage. Tell your husband that when the doctor writes a note telling the DMV that he can drive again he can drive. (I told my Husband that the medication he was on said he could not drive..but I also did not have his car on the property AND I would lock up my keys, or I wore them on my beltloop. And he did manage to still get my car 2 times...scary days, second time the police located him in the next state)
This is the one topic that I know will cause WWIII. I've already told my husband that this is his last F-150 and if it is crashed, it will not be replaced. It is not personal, it's the law and I will not passively just let it go. If I see any frightening behavior I will request a suspension of his driver's license and I will request a highway patrol officer to explain why his driving days are over.
Removing a car part sounds good, but selling it or donating it sounds even better. Removing the vehicle removes the daily reminder of what he can't have. Just like dieting, don't buy chocolate cake and leave it on the counter! I know there are people who have accounts with Uber or other companies that can offer scheduled appointment rides (e.g., like dialysis, medical and physical therapy appointments). Also, an in-home caretaker can drive him if she has a car!
Unfortunately, if the OP is not the FPoA and her name isn't on the car title, she doesn't have the power to sell or donate his car. She could conceivably park it somewhere else where he can't find it but other seniors have done things like reported it stolen and that's a whole other headache. It depends on the senior.
I hired a companion aid for my 2 elderly Aunts while they were still mobile, and she drove them anywhere they wanted to go. It worked out great.
Can you drive him where he needs to go? Offer to help. If you can't do it, you need to offer alternatives, such as for-hire services, or public transportation. Put Uber on his phone. Ask his neurologist for a copy of her report to the DMV. It sometimes is less expensive to use for-hire services, so this may be a good option if he wants to be careful of his expenses.
Disconnect the battery so the car won't start. Pull a fuse out of the fuse box to disable the ignition. Hide his keys. If your name is on the vehicle for ownership, sell it. Call DMV and ask them to mandate he pass both a written test and behind the wheel test.
Do you also drive this vehicle or do you have your own car? If you don’t drive it, possibly have someone, who knows what they’re doing, take off distributor cap, battery cables or something so it won’t start?
Have someone else call the DMV. Get a letter from the neuro stating such. If all fails, have someone remove an essential component under the hood, something he may not realize is the problem. He puts himself, you and everyone else on the road at risk. Don’t wait.
Elderly people should NEVER drive a vehicle. They are at risk of causing death and injuries to themselves and others. You need to find a way to disable the car so it won’t start when he tries to turn it on. Try pulling off the cables on the battery. Do it now before a disaster occurs. If he lives in New Jersey and he causes death or injuries to someone he will be sued and he might end up losing his house or assets if he does not have enough coverage for the cost of the accident.
There surely is a time he is sleeping and you are not. Find out how to disable the car or have someone do it, or get those keys when he is in the shower or asleep. But you MUST take action of some kind and be creative about it if you have to. Make sure to hide your own keys really well.
My BIL had the same thing happen to him. But with his dementia he still thought that he could drive and was driving on an expired license too. What was suggested to us is to remove a battery cable so it wouldn't start. But if that is the only vehicle then that can't be done. You can have the vehicle rekeyed making a new set of keys for it then he still can have the keys he has and still can get into the vehicle but can't start it.
After taking cognitive test, Dr told mom she couldn't drive. She immediately started hiding her car keys so we couldn't take them. We put a "club" on the steering wheel. Of course, my brother left it off one time after he drove and did some maintenance on it. Mom was so pleased she drove to the store. We then took the car and gave it to my daughter. Car had little value being 19 years old. Now in hospice on MC and she still thinks she can live at home and drive. No powers of reason.
The powers of reason aren't there anymore. My BIL still calls saying that his car was in a crash that the neighbor came to tell him when in fact he just wants to know when he can drive. The doctor told him he can't anymore because of his dementia and try telling him gets him so upset that we could cause a seizure. So here his car is sitting at his niece's and after August I can't register it because he isn't a license driver. Would really like to sell it to her.
This is for the safety of others. This is not all about him! Lock up the garage. Or find a way to take the keys. If he kills someone your guilt will be tough to live with. My mom needed some things taken away from her…including her car. We told her you might “kill a child”…that did it she gave away her driving rights.
When Moms doctor told her she shouldnt be driving it was war. She already had a few fender benders she wiggled her way out of by going to repair shop paying cash as well 2 accidents that were not her fault, but it took just 1 more accident to get her license taken away. She rearended a truck at a major 4way light. The officer told her he was sorry but he could ignore her state of confusion and let her know he was sending a notice to DMV (her car was totaled) She had 6months to retake her driving test written and driving before it was finalized. She couldnt understand the written test bc it was on the computer at our DMV. Even thou she lost her license she refused to believe she couldnt drive. It kind of makes me chuckle now but PLEASE take hes keys away if he has been told to do so. If u feel the doctor was correct you can have them submit a form to the DMV and they will schedule a review with your husband. good luck
When my 89-yr old Aunt was called in to retake the test (because I anonymously reported her online) I instructed everyone (including neighbors, friends, etc) to NOT take her to the test. No test, license expired. Never take them to any future mandated test.
That person needs to present copy of letter to DMV, needs to visit the DMV, needs to get the car removed from the property. Haulers don't need keys.
Short of that, a bit of sugar or water in the gas tank may work?
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Lock up the keys.
If he has a car that is "his" remove it and it is "in the shop"
While he is with you and you drive keep your keys so that he can not get them. Lock them up if you have to.
I told my Husband that the medicine he was on said on the bottle that he could not drive while taking the medicine. When he would ask about the car I would tell him not until he was done with the medication.
Eventually he stopped asking.
Side note and totally off subject but...
You say you are not legally his wife and you have limited power.
PLEASE make sure that you are protected and that you can help make decisions and that you are taken care of particularly if you two have been together for a long time.
Good luck
Visit the police ahead of time and let them know that he has dementia and will not give up the car keys, so you're having someone remove the car. This way they know what they're dealing with when the calls about the car being stolen start up.
You have my sympathy because I know life is going to get hard for you for a while when the car is gone.
Let this be a comfort to you. You're saving lives by taking the car away.
Then go on a vacation somewhere where you must rely on mass transit or some other mode of transportation and use it.
NY? Williamsburg (walking). SF (cable cars). Taxi, Uber, carriage, water taxi, donkey… take as many as you can. Don’t rent a car.
Stay in a place where things are close and easy (such as Charleston, SC)
Show him there is life after a drivers license. This is his concern.
Good luck😊
Wait until he’s in the shower or asleep and take his keys. You could replace with a dummy key as people suggested, that will be less obvious to him. As someone else said, he can have jingle keys in his pocket.
Id do both, switch to a dummy key and if you have another car, disable his car just to have something else to stop him. Just say ‘oh well, we call someone on Mon (or whatever) to fix the car’. Just keep postponing. Be sure to always hide the keys to your car. I hate to say this, but this is temporary. Eventually he will forget about driving. He just needs to be kept safe until this passes.
This won’t help you, but with my husband it was fairly easy. We only have one car. We had to sell my car for financial reasons. I said I need to drive….I’m losing my driving skills, and I also need to get familiar with my husbands car. I’m not the best driver and his car was much larger than mine and I had only ever driven small compacts. He had a large 4 door sedan. He said ok. Well, in the next few weeks, I would drive wherever we needed. In that short time, he sort forgot about driving and I took over. Just like I’ve taken over bill paying, all decisions etc etc. He never really asked about driving. I just kept saying I need to learn to be comfortable in his car.
Also, I’m not 100% sure on this, however I think once you have a medical diagnosis of dementia on your medical records and you get into a car accident, your car insurance at not cover an accident. Think about…there’s an accident, your husband speaks with the other party involved; they think this guys doesn’t sound “all there”. The cops come and they speak to your husband and they think he’s not “all there”. They may have him transported to a hospital to be evaluated. Even if they didn’t, when the accident report goes to the insurance company and they read that your husband didn’t sound “right” if suspect dementia, they can get medical records. If they see diagnosis of dementia, well, right there they’ll see your husband was advised he not drive.
Remeber, it’s not just about your husbands safety, it’s everyone around. Yeah, it’ll be hard, but again it’s only temporary, He will forget about driving.
I know this from when my MIL was a county volunteer driver and also when she herself became impaired: the county's bus service would not take anyone who needed any sort of assistance, including my MIL with short-term memory loss.
I'm not sure if Uber or Lyft has this policy listed anywhere but I absolutely would not trust my LO to go by themselves or make the drivers (who are self-employed) be liable when they weren't given any warning. Very dangerous, very unethical.
If you do not drive this particular car then remove it from the property. Either sell it or ask a family member to keep it for a while. It would be better to sell it though. There is no sense in paying insurance on a vehicle that will not be driven.
Side note about the insurance. If your husband is listed as a driver on YOUR vehicle do not remove him as a driver. Just in case he gets hold of YOUR keys and takes it out you need to have coverage.
Tell your husband that when the doctor writes a note telling the DMV that he can drive again he can drive. (I told my Husband that the medication he was on said he could not drive..but I also did not have his car on the property AND I would lock up my keys, or I wore them on my beltloop. And he did manage to still get my car 2 times...scary days, second time the police located him in the next state)
Removing a car part sounds good, but selling it or donating it sounds even better. Removing the vehicle removes the daily reminder of what he can't have. Just like dieting, don't buy chocolate cake and leave it on the counter! I know there are people who have accounts with Uber or other companies that can offer scheduled appointment rides (e.g., like dialysis, medical and physical therapy appointments). Also, an in-home caretaker can drive him if she has a car!
I hired a companion aid for my 2 elderly Aunts while they were still mobile, and she drove them anywhere they wanted to go. It worked out great.
Prayers
She had 6months to retake her driving test written and driving before it was finalized. She couldnt understand the written test bc it was on the computer at our DMV. Even thou she lost her license she refused to believe she couldnt drive. It kind of makes me chuckle now but PLEASE take hes keys away if he has been told to do so.
If u feel the doctor was correct you can have them submit a form to the DMV and they will schedule a review with your husband.
good luck