So my mother-in-law moved in in Dec. She is demanding, bossy. Expects all meals to be served to her and snacks. She walks, talks and can do things on her own but refuses to. She says that she deserves to be waited on because she worked so many years and is old. She is 86. Living with me has caused me a lot of stress. My husband is gone all week and only comes home on the weekends. I try to talk to him about my feelings and some of the stuff his mom has done or says. For instance, I said to him, If I leave for 30 mins to get coffee down the road and she says, Where were you? Why did it take so long? He says, she probably thinks you’re cheating on me! What!
When I try to talk to him anything about his mom good or bad he tells me Stop I don’t want to hear it! He spends no time with her and doesn’t call her during the week as he promised. He also promised to take her out to breakfast and shopping on Sunday so I can have some time to myself .
I am at my wits' ends! I have had enough! He will not get anyone to help and he does nothing to help. I feel as if I am in jail.
Like telling her, when she says she deserves to be waited on, yeah MIL, maybe you do but, it ain't gonna be me doing it. Get it yourself, get to the table and eat or go hungry.
You are the mistress of this household, you need to make it clear that she lives by your rules or moves to a facility, period, end of discussion.
Let her say whatever she wants, doesn't change the fact that you are NOT her personal slave.
First you are not a maid
second , it’s enabling her to decline in health by not physically moving. If she complains to your husband , so be it.
third, don’t let her get in your head with the questions of your activities
If he promised to help on weekends, make him do it by making plans for yourself. On Sunday am, advise that you have plans for yourself, and leave. Your husband needs to see how demanding care can be, and step up to the plate or HIRE someone to come in and help you. In fact, you might also start interviewing home care personnel (after searching, finding, and validating agencies.)
It's easy to feel encumbered and obligated, but standing up for yourself is absolutely mandatory.
I sympathize with the need; I simply couldn't live with another person. From what I have read on Forum alone it is clear to me that once you take someone else into your own home you CAN BE virtually a prisoner on your own home, as you say. Moreover, it is IMPOSSIBLE to dislodge that person even if all in the household agree it should be done.
From what you say of your husband's reactions to YOUR reactions it sounds to me as though you may have marital problems also, to the extent that he presupposes that Mom thinks you are cheating, and to the extent you are not "allowed" to open your mouth. It sounds like the apple didn't fall far from the tree.
Yes, I agree, you are in a kind of jail. And your warden just stuck a very unpleasant prisoner into your cell as your roommate.
I would be out searching for a job and a room yesterday. That's about all I can say. Perhaps when hubby and Mom are alone all will go well for them.
It seems to me you have, quite honestly, no other choice.
Suggest family counseling. If that is denied (and it almost certainly WILL be, you know, you are on your own.
You may be much happier alone working two shifts a day and falling into your own bed exhausted, with a good murder mystery than you are right now. I sure would be.
I wish you the best.
So, you took care of Mom so DH thinks you should be taking care of HIS mom too. Seems to me he has handed the responsibility of Mom over to you so you can do whatever u want. Like he says, he doesn't want to hear it. Set those boundries. Tell dear MIL you are not her slave, today the waiting on stops. She is very capable of doing for herself and you would be doing her a disservice waiting on her. Its called disabling her.
What help does MIL need? Do you have to take her to the toilet? Help her with dressing? Help her into the shower? Do what you need to do in your time. You need to get meals anyway but if she can do it herself, she gets her snacks. Meals are eaten at the table. If you are getting up to get yourself something u can ask her if she needs anything. See, SHE NEEDS YOU MORE THAN YOU NEED HER. Keep that in mind. When u leave, ask if there is anything she wants, then leave. You can say you have no idea how long you will be so will see her when you see her. If she can be on her own, stay away as long as you need. (U do not mention Dementia) When she starts to question tell her that you don't answer to her. When she demands, tell her the word please goes a long way. When you do something for her and she doesn't say thank you, tell her you'd appreciate a TU because, you are not obligated to do anything for her. You may also remind her its your home, your rules. If you didn't let ur kids get away with it, then you shouldn't let Mom. If she gets really bad, you may want to quietly tell her that without you, she would be in a facility because it seems her DS does not care. He has dropped his Mom in your lap.
There are people you just have to be blunt with to get the message across. No, you don't want to hurt her feelings but there are times u may have to to get your point across. She needs to know that you have no obligation towards her or owe her anything. That for this to work she cannot expect you to be at her beck and call. Tell her the only way this is going to work is she has to respect your boundries. That you need time to yourself.
Be ready for her to cry to your husband. Be ready to stand your ground. She is HIS mother. You could try when he is home, just leaving. It forces him to stay with Mom.
Lets say u go for that coffee. Come home and she starts with the "where have u been, why so long" you can ignore her. Just hang up your coat, put away you purse and say "do you need anything p, if not I am going to read for a while"
We get treated the way we let people treat us. You are letting her stress you out. You either ignore the stressors or you tell her that the way she demands has to stop. And if she doesn't, you will do nothing for her.
I may look at the marriage too. Does DH ever taken any time for you. How were things when u cared for Mom. Are u capable of finding a job and leaving if need be. Because, all I see here is a person serving everyone else but herself. And when all is said and done, where will u and DH be.
Weekends would be spent at the public library or the gym.
This is HIS mother. Let him figure it out.
Stop catering to her. Just stop. You are not a maid, servant or indentured slave. You do not run a restaurant.
MIL, there is the kitchen, there is food in the cupboards and the fridge. The coffee maker is there and the coffee is kept in that container. I will prepare dinner and it will be on the table at some point between 5 and 7. I expect you to wash up your dishes or put them in the dishwasher after each meal and snack.
Where I go when I leave the house is none of your business. As a courtesy I will give you an idea of when I will be home.
Here is the washer and dryer. The soap is in that container, there is a scoop or dispenser. I generally do my laundry and Monday, Thursday and Saturday. You are welcome to use the machines on Wednesday and Sunday.
Put her in a adult daycare program.
Your husband will not get anyone to help as the work does not impact his life at all. He does not care, because you are doing it all. Stop doing it all. Make plans for a weekend away, better yet, a week away. Let him figure out what to do.
I don't know the extent of her ailments, but if she's fully functional, then you are all roommates at this point, not caregivers.
Do things like making meals together, if possible. Give her something to chop up during the day, so it's ready to go when you're ready to make dinner. ("Would you please make tonight's salad?") Have her help fold the laundry or match the socks, because having her do her laundry seperately is just a waste of water.
Include her in your routine. If she's mobile, take her with you once in a while to do errands. Don't expect to accomplish a lot, but get her out of the house at times.
You two need to have a relationship, or you'll go nuts. Just the two of you need to have this conversation, and be sure you listen to her point of view, too, and don't make the unreasonable demand that she conform to everything you want. She's probably just as miserable as you are.
For starters, I'd take the credit card & move into the above mentioned hotel yourself for a couple of weeks and leave DH saddled with his mother! He needs to see how it feels to do what YOU are doing on his OWN! When you get back, THEN he may be quite willing to sit down and have a REAL conversation about this entire 'mother matter' and what to do about it. If not, you'll have to consider your options at that time. I would not continue living under those circumstances myself. You'll have to decide if you do, and what your self-respect is worth. You should not be forced into indentured servitude to someone ELSE'S mother, against your wishes, under any circumstances. Especially considering she's entitled, not needy.
Good luck!
Do you want this marriage to continue? Seriously? If you do, there is no point in talking to him about MIL because the reaction is “Stop I don’t want to hear it!” So make it between you and MIL, and let MIL be the one with the stress of talking about it. If he starts in on you, you know what to say: “Stop I don’t want to hear it!”
Work out what you will do for MIL, give her a list, and stick to it. She can get her own food, or share turn and turn about with you. Likewise washing and cleaning. She will have to change if you stop doing it for her – and you aren’t forced to do any of it. If she comes up with “she worked so many years”, remind her that she got paid, and what is she going to pay you? You are the same age as she was when she was getting paid. I’d also get my favorite aid, my industrial ear plugs, and just stop listening to her.
In case the proverbial hits the fan, I would start thinking seriously about whether your marriage is going pear shaped, and how you would cope with that.
Step 1: Take your Man out to dinner. (Just him, not MIL). Have the heart to heart.
Explain this situation is not working for you. That while it is a hard adjustment for his Mother, she must adjust. That no matter what she expects you cannot be MIL's everyday girl: maid, cook, waitress, chauffeur & all her company. That her entitled attitude needs to be left at the door. Or she will be shown the door.
Can you both work together to set some new house rules?
Maybe, with good boundaries MIL will adapt & fit onto the household better. Maybe join a senior's club for company, be more independent etc.
If however, due to generational, cultural ideas or personality she keeps demanding attention & servitude - she will need alternative living arrangements.
Then gauge your Man's reaction.
Most don't 'get it' at first.
If so, move to Step 2:
Book a weekend away with some girlfriends.
Nothing better than lived experience to teach your Man what you are talking about.
(Except for the MILs who are angels for their golden boys & devils to their DILs... beware of that!)
He treats you as a servant and has delegated (or outsourced) your services to his mama. Is that a role you chose? i keep thinking about Downton Abbey, and you went from the kitchen to Lady's maid.
Put your foot down, woman, the situation is untenable.
He doesn't get to plug his ears when you're talking about his mother who moved in with you. Doesn't work that way. I'd lay down your law with him, get angry until things start changing. I'm angry on your behalf!
Meals are made at specific times and served in the Kitchen or Dining room (wherever you chose).
If she makes it to the table for the meal, great if not she can heat up leftovers that are put away after the meal.
Snacks, leave out a basket of fruit, if she wants something other than that she can get it herself.
As long as she is safe by herself go about your business on a daily basis. Why stay home to cater to her?
By the way if she can do her own laundry she should be,
If she has a bathroom of her own that she is using she should be the one to clean it.
If she complains to her son let him take over.
And I agree that you should plan a weekend away. (a week would be better if you can do it)
I know my story doesn't help you though. I think you need to have a serious discussion with your husband. If he doesn't back you or support you your MIL probably won't listen to you or abide by any ground rules you set. Him saying what he did about your MIL thinking you may be cheating on him says a lot. Does he just smirk at that or does he tell your mother to stop talking stupid?
I'd stop doing anything that oversteps your boundaries with or without your husband's okay but it says a lot about your marriage if he thinks that this behavior on his mother's part is fine
You don't nee to be angry, or to complain to your husband. Just stop.
This is patently FALSE.
The CDC.gov website on dementia reports “…dementias are not an inevitable part of aging. In fact, up to 40% of dementia cases may be prevented or delayed.”
Why should Scarlettrene roll over and play dead, thinking there is absolutely nothing she can do about the harridan mother-in-law, or as you recommend “Pray for patience.” She doesn’t need to pray for patience. If she is a praying woman, she needs to pray the first four lines of The Serenity Prayer* and then will realize she has options and thus has choices to make, so should pray for the strength to take control of her own household and life, not be enslaved to the ugly duo of a selfish old woman and self-absorbed husband.
The Serenity Prayer first four lines:
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
You mentioned that your MIL moved in with you both in December, but I am curious to know if there was ANY conversation regarding his expectations for her care BEFORE she moved in.
I would NEVER move anyone into our home without having a thorough discussion that covers every 'what if' scenario that we could imagine, and we both need to come to an agreement.
Your MIL stated that she has "worked so many years" so she should have the means to pay for helpers (caregivers/companions), and I would recommend that you present a few options of caregiving agencies to your MIL and husband. After the options are presented (minimum hours, time schedule, days needed, etc.), I would ask MIL which options and schedule she thinks may be a good fit to assist her -- especially since MIL feels she should be served, etc. -- use MIL's funds to make that a reality.
Again, I am interested in what conversation, if any, was had with your husband BEFORE MIL moved in.
Don't do anything for her that she can do for herself.
Stand up for yourself because no one else will do it as you know. Be strong and please let us know how things are going. WE care!
I'm sick of men using their spouses, GF, daughter's and sister's to get out of their responsibilities. We've got to make it clear to them we refuse to be used any longer. Once I got back from my vacation, he'd sent her to assisted living. She loved it because she met new people, made friends, had her meals cooked, laundry done etc. It was wonderful. That's when I knew he still loved me and wanted our relationship to work. He just had to prove it. Good luck to you!