My husband’s mother... Do y’all have any advice?

Leaving your husband would not be much of a loss. You are being used. You are probably financially dependent on him which leaves you a bit stuck unless you can figure out a way to support yourself so you can leave. His leaving you to take care of his mother does not show any respect for you.

If you think you love him enough to stay in this marriage, then you may have to accept these unpleasant "servant" duties as your "job" for which you are paid by being housed and fed. If that's not enough, you need to leave him and let him arrange care for his mother.

It sounds like your husband is choosing to be oblivious, he knows he can count on you and that’s a good thing but he is more afraid of his mothers complaints than he is of yours. Wright or wrong it isn’t all that surprising and in fairness it’s hard to really comprehend what caregiving takes when you aren’t around on a daily basis to live it. His mother may have even suggested you “we’re having an affair” at some point and he found it as ridiculous and funny as he when he shared it with you, without actually sharing it. I agree with those that that are suggesting simply not catering to MIL or waiting on her wether she feels she’s earned it or not, she hasn’t earned it with you! You have already tried to talk to your husband about it and he chooses to not take your concerns seriously so let your MIL do the complaining to him and see how that goes. “Scarlettrine won’t serve me what and when I want she just tells me when dinner is ready and if I don’t eat then I have to get it myself. She won’t do my laundry or go to the store for me when I want something she just tells me she is doing a load and asks if I have anything to add, asks if I need anything when she goes to the store, otherwise I have to do these things myself!” Given that your MIL is capable of doing these things it should sound as silly complaining to your husband and when he says “I don’t see the problem” and she answers that she has earned the right to be waited on he might have a harder time justifying and explaining that to you. Basically as long as you are keeping his mother safe and not fighting with her or trying to make her miserable how can he justify complaint? You have opened up your home to her and incorporated her needs (actual needs) into your routine because you love him, you go the extra mile for her because you care about her and her comfort but when she isn’t caring about and appreciating you it doesn’t make you feel like doing those special things that aren’t necessary for her safety and survival. No need for fighting or begging for your own time just take it and if she needs more care than can fit into your life then they need to figure out how to get than, you are happy to help by collecting info and options but it’s not up to you to and you can’t provide whatever care she needs. Let your MIL deal with slapping her son into the realization HE needs to participate! If she can’t go food shopping on her own and won’t do it on your schedule set up an account for her to either have groceries delivered or for curb pick up, if she needs company give her the info for joining the local senior center, they usually have transportation available too. If you are giving her options to help herself other than you it may be harder for either of them to justify you being the only choice. As others have said when you decide to stop allowing her to bully you by changing your gut reaction, it’s silly laugh to yourself, you aren’t able to get that for her right now so say “sorry I’m in the middle of something but feel free to get that yourself”. It may not change her attitude but by changing yours hopefully you will feel and be less trapped. An added benefit might be that her attitude changes, bullies often respect and respond better to strength and firmness, boundaries set and maintained.

Tell MIL that life does not owe her ANYTHING, and never has. My Dad is 101 & was self-sufficient until he recently developed Dementia. He is now in an assisted-living facility, paid for by Medicaid. If Hubby is unwilling to deal with his mother, he is useless. Either he helps out & speaks up about her ridiculous spoiled-brat behavior, gets part-time eldercare for the old self-centered witch or you can divorce the pair of them! Or, at least, speak up for yourself! You have the right to tell MIL that you will not tolerate her behavior or she can find someone else to live. She is feeling sorry for herself enough...you don't need to.

Here's the book about Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Please, please, please get a copy and read it. It will help you so much! You can find it on Google or Amazon.

Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, your husband sounds just like his mother.

Its his mother not yours and his responsibility.

Tell him your going away for weekends to get a break and he can take care of her. If you do this continuously he will have to get someone.

Stop enabling your MIL and husband. Set your ground rules and stand by them [other than in emergency type situations]. As long as you don't do that nothing will change except you will get more frustrated, angry and perhaps sick yourself. Take car of yourself first! It might be helpful for you to get some counselling for yourself. Do you have any children and/or does your husband have any siblings who might be able to help? Do you pay all of her expenses? Perhaps that is something to look at. Is there a POA? If not, who pays her bills now and what would happen if she got ill? All things to consider

PLEASE don’t let this go on! It will only get worse. My parents moved into an apartment in my father’s mother’s home when they returned from their honeymoon in 1948, then, when they moved into a house, she went with them. She was still with them when she died in 1974. She made my mother’s life a living hell the whole time while my father turned a blind eye to it.

My grandmother did next to nothing for herself except doing her own laundry. She never so much as peeled a carrot, complained that my mother served meat that had been frozen, and was under the impression that the government paid my father to take care of her, something she liked to announce on the rare occasion my parents had guests. When she became incontinent it was my mother who got to clean up the mess while my father berated her for not cleaning it up fast enough. She harassed and lied about me to my parents, told my brother to call the police when my mother gave him a mild crack with the wooden spoon, and more. It was a nightmare!

When my grandmother died, my father announced that my mother needed to get a job in a nursing home because she loved taking care of old people. I walked out of the room to keep from slugging him.

Get out now because it won’t get any better.

My beloved mil, her deaf parents voice and caretaker from childhood until her mother’s death at 104, made her four children swear that they would never take her into their homes to live. How I miss that wonderful woman!

Hi Scarlettrene,

In looking at your profile, it appears that in the past, you had moved your own mother from AL into your home and took care of her. You’ve also shared a lot of good advice on the forum about dealing with incontinence so that must’ve been part of taking care of your mom. That care situation couldn’t have been easy to deal with, for you or your husband. So as maddening as your present situation sounds, it seems like husband has an expectation of you to repeat that care for his mother.

IMHO, what’s needed is to remove MIL from YOUR home into her own IL or AL apartment, because a home can only have one Queen (a lesson I learned the hard way). Clearly MIL now believes she is that Queen and expects servitude from you. If there are other reasons for her to stay, then you must set your limits, communicate those with husband and MIL, and strictly enforce them. Even if they choose not to hear your words, your actions will speak loud enough to get your message across. It could be a real game-changer for you!

Good luck!

A few thoughts come to mind.

1. Sending 🌸 👋 and 🤗

2. I hope you’re doing something to spoil you (buy yourself flowers, listen to music or comedy with ear buds, yoga, walk, manicure, massage).

3. Your husband has walked away emotionally. Is he burnt out from work or using work as an excuse to avoid the home life?

4. Have you looked her in the eyes and said “Listen up, old lady, I’m all you got”?

5. As I write what follows, it occurs to me that the short answer is to get a book on parenting difficult children… or hostage negotiation.

These elderly parents remind me of spoiled brats. They pitch a fit to get what they want and because the parent caves, the children learn they have the upper hand and become more and more unmanageable. It seems caregivers need to learn tough love and get ready for all hell to break loose when they impose boundaries and the elder realizes change is a coming. (Get a raincoat and expect stormy times — their behavior will get worse as they dig in to try to win the power struggle and change only when they realize they lost.) I think the hardest part of parenting is staying calm when their brats have mastered how to push the right buttons. And if the child has a stubborn streak, said child may also have the patience to wear down the parent in this winner take all contest of wills.

In your attempt to maintain peace, you cave. Yes? Your MIL pounces on that.

Suppose you say “I left (her favorite) muffin on the kitchen table” and walk away? Countdown 3-2-1. Here comes the order to bring it to her. Don’t. Expect a rant. Reply “This is unacceptable behavior” and walk away. Take a stand; leave the muffin in the kitchen for the day and if she doesn’t get it, eat it yourself or throw it out. “Say obviously you didn’t want it.” If she starts up, don’t defend and counter with “what’s done is done.”

If it gets ugly, put the phone on photo video mode and tell her you’re sure her son who like to see her acting like this. Or offer to post it online.

She baits you with “why were you gone so long?” Don’t take the bait and explain. Try “I’m here now” or “what did you do?”

She refuses to eat. Let her cook for herself. She leaves a mess. Scoop it up in a box and put it on her bed. Stop doing her laundry. You are, aren’t you? Don’t make her bed. Don’t clean her room.

Reward the good behavior (it’s shocking how much we praise children and how little we say thank you or compliment adults).

Be brave. Command respect..

Start today making a list of what you need help with mainly free time. Set husband down and explain the boundaries IF she remains in your house.
Accept nothing less!

He can pay for in home care or move her. His promises already have fallen off.

Sounds like MIL feels entitled and is not that needy. She may do very well in her own senior apartment with some part time caregivers......not you.

You are entitled to your own life!

Scarlettrene, are you here?

Oh my goodness. Pack you bags and leave that toxic relationship. I hope you live in a community property state. Tell the mother to hire a servant. Your husband didn’t fall far…

When a husband accuses his wife of cheating, in your case using his mother as a stepping stone/buffer, he is usually the one cheating. Think about it. I’m saying this from personal experience. Both he and his mother are toxic to you. As Dear Abbey once wrote “Ask yourself ‘Are you better with or without him’”
Sending love and light,
Sabrina

Get an attorney and move out

Tell your husband you’re not taking care of her period!! Come and go as you please this is HIS responsibility not Yours!! Or hirer someone to take care of her whether he likes it or not. If those 2 ideas don’t work there’s a apartment out there with your name on it!!!

In a pinch, for right now and from now on, take deep breaths. Look it up. It's a great drug.

I may be wrong, but here's the plan...

Get up at 5 AM. Get a load of laundry going. (This will make sense in the end).
Exercise 'till 6 AM. (I hate, hate exercising but do it).
Make breakfast, and put MIL's meal very nicely (welcoming setting) on the table, and let it get cold (tough t-tty).
Back to the laundry - switch clothes from washer to drier (or hang undrierable items). Sing play music.
Start small preps for dinner to make it go smoothly in the evening (Use crock pot).
Vacuum. Do light housework.
Take a shower.
Put lunch out at 12 PM or so.
Give MIL a pad to write down things she needs to pick up at a store.

So far you're not doing anything bad, and pretty much as good as an assisted facility.

Now it gets interesting. Read to the end.

Go through closets and stuff daily and get rid of things you don't need. Be focused, calm and dedicated to this unrushed effort. Be cool and natural. (If you're natural is to talk too much, practice peaceful thinking. Be polite and nice. I know it is a tall order). Order is very peace making.

Post on the fridg (make copies for yourself) -
MEALS -
BREAKFAST: 7 AM. One hour
LUNCH: Noon. One hour
DINNER: 6 PM. One hour.
AFTER MEALTIME ENDS: Leftovers or untouched food, desert, as well as snacks will be placed in containers or wrapped for easy access in fridge.

SHOPPING -
WEDNESDAYS: 10 AM 'till 2 PM (to include pizza/Burger/Mac lunch treat out).
SHOPPING NOTE: Anything forgotten once back home please ensure to list for next Wednesday's trip.
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Of course you can change the time and days that are good for you. You don't need to include a once a week lunch treat. Don't friggin' bond. Just smile and be pleasant.

And as for shopping you can do yours anytime but for her, don't voice it but think-IT'S THE ARMY BABY! If she blows a gasket remember small pleasant smiles and shrugs, and get out of her range of fire. Go to the park. An extra walk is fantastic. Go visit a friend, or go to the library. Don't (mentally)feed the dragon. Your name is not "hurt me".

Now, (I hope you'll love this because there is nothing that gives life a lift like a plan and something to look forward to), after 2 weeks, a month, whatever time it takes of exercising, learning for yourself how routine, and habit is super important and almost magical, YOU GO GET A JOB AND GET THE FRICK OUT OF THERE.

First of all do you hear yourself talking? It’s time to get a new husband! then maybe you’ll get a new mother-in-law! I’m sorry that’s the only advice I can think of… Obviously you must’ve known he was going to have you taking care of his mother-in-law because it sounds like he’s in a routine of being gone so I don’t know all the particulars so forgive me but stop stressing out and have your husband come home from whatever he does and take care of his mother and then you go and stay gone for five days and come back on the weekends have a great day!

One of Dr. Phil's famous quips is, "We show people how to treat us." I have said that to myself in many situations I've faced with family members. I often remind myself that most of them are narcissists, but it is up to me to accept their rudeness or I can walk away and take my dignity with me. Whether they are speaking to me with disregard or they are disregarding my worth...........I cannot give them permission to continue abusing me. If I stay and allow them to abuse me, then staying is my permission.

You are the captain of your own ship.............what behavior is acceptable to you and where do you, "draw the line?

You are an angel to agree to have your MIL live with you. Sounds like all she needs is assistance, not a slave. Give what you can dear, but do not lose yourself in the process. You are not getting respect from your husband, and shame on him. No one, including myself can advise you to leave him, but please make certain you create a plan to be able to if needed. I really like the advice regarding the schedule.

This is an impossible situation unless you take control of how you react to it. It's impossible unless you & your husband have a serious discussion beyond describing what she's said or done & how hard it is on you. I understand his response of not wanting to hear it - he feels he can't do anything to fix it; but neither can you. You need a plan, & you need a united front. You don't have one,

The 2 of you need to set ground rules for his mother. Put it in writing, if you must, but your husband must be on board.

Then involve your MIL She will object/complain strongly - be willing to make concessions, but don't backslide, either.

It's hard to NOT be bothered by her complaints & attitude, but you really do have to stop being defensive & reacting to them. Stop thinking you need to explain. Refuse to engage when she complains or issues orders. Say something like, "I'm sorry you feel that way, I know it's hard." Then let it be.

I know it's easier said than done, so some professional help for you could help, but without you & your husband working together, the situation won't change, & you'll feel more resentful & trapped.

Good luck.
I know it's a difficult situation.

Stand your ground, but be very polite about. Here is how.

When she asks where you were, respond: “I was taking care of errands. Thanks for your concern.” When she repeats and makes more comments, reply “Thanks for your concern.” Be a brick wall and keep repeating “Thanks for your concern” and give no more information. Make sure you are very pleasant. When she asks you for snacks, respond: “I’m in the middle of something and will be busy for quite a while. You’ll feel better if you help your self.” Repeat this phrase as she argues with you and, again, be a brick wall with no other information and always pleasant. If she offers advice, say”Thank you for your advice. I’ll give it some consideration.” Repeat as needed. This is called having a backbone and being respectful of the other person at the same time. Once she learns these responses from you, she will stop demanding/asking you to go along with her behavior. You can do this with your husband, too.

As suggested by earlier posters, make some for yourself and give your husband the opportunity to care for his mother by himself.

Find a job you enjoy. This will get you out of the house. If mother in law is able tell she can wait on herself. Ask her to help with the house work since you are working. If I were you I would work some on the weekends.

If you are cooking the meals, then you call her when it's time to eat. No more taking meals or snacks to her. If she says she deserves to be waited on, then tell her you don't want her to become disabled because you waited on her. The more she moves, the longer she can manage, so you're job is to keep her from becoming disabled.

Don't tell hubby what she did or said. Just create a new way of doing things around the house. If she can manage a certain task, she does it. She can fold clothes even if she can't get to laundry room. She can probably load a dishwasher or hand wash dishes --- ask her to do that while you put meals away. (Do NOT correct the way she does something if it's different than your method - creates excuse for her not to do it again).

If you leave house for a while - tell her where you're going. If there is question time when you return, brief answers. Or tell her ahead of time you'll be gone longer than you anticipate. Every once in a while, take her with you to get coffee or special treat so she doesn't feel like you come/go and she doesn't get out much.

When hubby tells her he's going to take her somewhere on the weekend, put it on the calendar on frig and hold him to it. These mother/son trips are supposedly so you can have some time to yourself, so put your time on calendar too. Them: Breakfast at 9am Sunday You: Meet friend at 9:30am Sunday -- then leave or don't leave the house. On Saturday night, remind everyone of the plans -- I'm meeting Betty at 9:30 to go to mall. Where are you and MIL going for breakfast?? From time to time - go with them to breakfast, return to house to get your car and say you're going to run to the mall to look for something.

If MIL has any friends in the area - invite one over for a luncheon for the two of them. You leave the house and do your thing. If mom has any other children or siblings that still do well on their own, arrange for mom to visit with them a week or so. You might also consider a PT job outside the house to break this 'waiting on her' routine that got started. If mom is able to do things, she is able to do things.

Of course he doesn't want to hear it. He probably works a lot so HE doesn't have to listen to it.
Not an excuse to be waited on. Set the rules and boundaries and stick to them. Maybe mom will complain about you enough to leave. lol
I like the advice of making dinner at a specific time and it's on her to feed herself.
Your husband not sticking up for you throws up red signs.
I also saw advice on finding a job. that is what I would do. bless you sweetie. My pet peeve is being questioned unnecessarily and that would drive me crazy!

I'm laughing... not at Scarrletrene, but at the thought of how that would play in our house. I'm a guy, and if I did that to my wife...dump my mom in her lap... yikes... I can't imagine the consequences... She'd be out the door within the hour. Leaving your partner for 5 days at a time, week after week...not happening in our house.

It's very difficult when there are issues taking care of your MIL. Your husband is torn between his wife and mother. Most men will back out and will not be involved in any conflicts. Much will depend on what she can afford and on her willingness to be flexible (which doesn't sound promising). Can she afford to hire an aide who will do her bidding, leaving you to have your own life? In that situation, I'd look for a job that would get me out of the house most of the day.

I had the opposite problem. My mother wanted to move in with me and my hubby was all for it, but I wasn't. She had all these plans on how I would modify my house for her ability to live in my home at her own expense of course. She had acute COPD which limited her to her ADLs. All I envisioned was having my mother needing me to care for her as her COPD progressed. It wasn't for me. She refused to sell her house and move into assisted living near me. She was willing to sell her house on the condition she come live with me so she could save the money for inheritance purposes. I had to tell her when the time came when she could no longer live alone it would have to be with one of my sisters who had made the offer or residential placement. Unfortunately she passed away before she needed that kind of help.

You are not a doormat . Her retirement is not called you. You do not owe her your livelihood or life. I don’t understand the communication between you and your husband, why are you walking on egg shells ? Nothing has changed for him yet your entire world is different I assume she is giving you her social security and or retirement income . Let her take that and go to independent living or a retirement community where she can do as she pleases.

I suggest you tell him that you'll go on strike in a week unless he hires a home care person to take over; then volunteer at the animal shelter, or get a job in one of your favorite shops - whatever sounds fulfilling to you. Just get out of the house!

Dear Scarlette,
Tell your husband you are neither nurse nor maid to your MIL and tell him you will hire help for your mom but you wash your hands with this situation. If he does not like that she can go to a home. You will quickly burn out and burn up if something isn't done.
I sure hope this advice helps. I had a MIL like that once! Not fun!!

Temper :}