My husband’s mother... Do y’all have any advice?

Stand your ground, but be very polite about. Here is how.

When she asks where you were, respond: “I was taking care of errands. Thanks for your concern.” When she repeats and makes more comments, reply “Thanks for your concern.” Be a brick wall and keep repeating “Thanks for your concern” and give no more information. Make sure you are very pleasant. When she asks you for snacks, respond: “I’m in the middle of something and will be busy for quite a while. You’ll feel better if you help your self.” Repeat this phrase as she argues with you and, again, be a brick wall with no other information and always pleasant. If she offers advice, say”Thank you for your advice. I’ll give it some consideration.” Repeat as needed. This is called having a backbone and being respectful of the other person at the same time. Once she learns these responses from you, she will stop demanding/asking you to go along with her behavior. You can do this with your husband, too.

As suggested by earlier posters, make some for yourself and give your husband the opportunity to care for his mother by himself.

This is an impossible situation unless you take control of how you react to it. It's impossible unless you & your husband have a serious discussion beyond describing what she's said or done & how hard it is on you. I understand his response of not wanting to hear it - he feels he can't do anything to fix it; but neither can you. You need a plan, & you need a united front. You don't have one,

The 2 of you need to set ground rules for his mother. Put it in writing, if you must, but your husband must be on board.

Then involve your MIL She will object/complain strongly - be willing to make concessions, but don't backslide, either.

It's hard to NOT be bothered by her complaints & attitude, but you really do have to stop being defensive & reacting to them. Stop thinking you need to explain. Refuse to engage when she complains or issues orders. Say something like, "I'm sorry you feel that way, I know it's hard." Then let it be.

I know it's easier said than done, so some professional help for you could help, but without you & your husband working together, the situation won't change, & you'll feel more resentful & trapped.

Good luck.
I know it's a difficult situation.

You are an angel to agree to have your MIL live with you. Sounds like all she needs is assistance, not a slave. Give what you can dear, but do not lose yourself in the process. You are not getting respect from your husband, and shame on him. No one, including myself can advise you to leave him, but please make certain you create a plan to be able to if needed. I really like the advice regarding the schedule.

One of Dr. Phil's famous quips is, "We show people how to treat us." I have said that to myself in many situations I've faced with family members. I often remind myself that most of them are narcissists, but it is up to me to accept their rudeness or I can walk away and take my dignity with me. Whether they are speaking to me with disregard or they are disregarding my worth...........I cannot give them permission to continue abusing me. If I stay and allow them to abuse me, then staying is my permission.

You are the captain of your own ship.............what behavior is acceptable to you and where do you, "draw the line?

First of all do you hear yourself talking? It’s time to get a new husband! then maybe you’ll get a new mother-in-law! I’m sorry that’s the only advice I can think of… Obviously you must’ve known he was going to have you taking care of his mother-in-law because it sounds like he’s in a routine of being gone so I don’t know all the particulars so forgive me but stop stressing out and have your husband come home from whatever he does and take care of his mother and then you go and stay gone for five days and come back on the weekends have a great day!

In a pinch, for right now and from now on, take deep breaths. Look it up. It's a great drug.

I may be wrong, but here's the plan...

Get up at 5 AM. Get a load of laundry going. (This will make sense in the end).
Exercise 'till 6 AM. (I hate, hate exercising but do it).
Make breakfast, and put MIL's meal very nicely (welcoming setting) on the table, and let it get cold (tough t-tty).
Back to the laundry - switch clothes from washer to drier (or hang undrierable items). Sing play music.
Start small preps for dinner to make it go smoothly in the evening (Use crock pot).
Vacuum. Do light housework.
Take a shower.
Put lunch out at 12 PM or so.
Give MIL a pad to write down things she needs to pick up at a store.

So far you're not doing anything bad, and pretty much as good as an assisted facility.

Now it gets interesting. Read to the end.

Go through closets and stuff daily and get rid of things you don't need. Be focused, calm and dedicated to this unrushed effort. Be cool and natural. (If you're natural is to talk too much, practice peaceful thinking. Be polite and nice. I know it is a tall order). Order is very peace making.

Post on the fridg (make copies for yourself) -
MEALS -
BREAKFAST: 7 AM. One hour
LUNCH: Noon. One hour
DINNER: 6 PM. One hour.
AFTER MEALTIME ENDS: Leftovers or untouched food, desert, as well as snacks will be placed in containers or wrapped for easy access in fridge.

SHOPPING -
WEDNESDAYS: 10 AM 'till 2 PM (to include pizza/Burger/Mac lunch treat out).
SHOPPING NOTE: Anything forgotten once back home please ensure to list for next Wednesday's trip.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Of course you can change the time and days that are good for you. You don't need to include a once a week lunch treat. Don't friggin' bond. Just smile and be pleasant.

And as for shopping you can do yours anytime but for her, don't voice it but think-IT'S THE ARMY BABY! If she blows a gasket remember small pleasant smiles and shrugs, and get out of her range of fire. Go to the park. An extra walk is fantastic. Go visit a friend, or go to the library. Don't (mentally)feed the dragon. Your name is not "hurt me".

Now, (I hope you'll love this because there is nothing that gives life a lift like a plan and something to look forward to), after 2 weeks, a month, whatever time it takes of exercising, learning for yourself how routine, and habit is super important and almost magical, YOU GO GET A JOB AND GET THE FRICK OUT OF THERE.

Tell your husband you’re not taking care of her period!! Come and go as you please this is HIS responsibility not Yours!! Or hirer someone to take care of her whether he likes it or not. If those 2 ideas don’t work there’s a apartment out there with your name on it!!!

Get an attorney and move out

When a husband accuses his wife of cheating, in your case using his mother as a stepping stone/buffer, he is usually the one cheating. Think about it. I’m saying this from personal experience. Both he and his mother are toxic to you. As Dear Abbey once wrote “Ask yourself ‘Are you better with or without him’”
Sending love and light,
Sabrina

Oh my goodness. Pack you bags and leave that toxic relationship. I hope you live in a community property state. Tell the mother to hire a servant. Your husband didn’t fall far…

Scarlettrene, are you here?

Start today making a list of what you need help with mainly free time. Set husband down and explain the boundaries IF she remains in your house.
Accept nothing less!

He can pay for in home care or move her. His promises already have fallen off.

Sounds like MIL feels entitled and is not that needy. She may do very well in her own senior apartment with some part time caregivers......not you.

You are entitled to your own life!

A few thoughts come to mind.

1. Sending 🌸 👋 and 🤗

2. I hope you’re doing something to spoil you (buy yourself flowers, listen to music or comedy with ear buds, yoga, walk, manicure, massage).

3. Your husband has walked away emotionally. Is he burnt out from work or using work as an excuse to avoid the home life?

4. Have you looked her in the eyes and said “Listen up, old lady, I’m all you got”?

5. As I write what follows, it occurs to me that the short answer is to get a book on parenting difficult children… or hostage negotiation.

These elderly parents remind me of spoiled brats. They pitch a fit to get what they want and because the parent caves, the children learn they have the upper hand and become more and more unmanageable. It seems caregivers need to learn tough love and get ready for all hell to break loose when they impose boundaries and the elder realizes change is a coming. (Get a raincoat and expect stormy times — their behavior will get worse as they dig in to try to win the power struggle and change only when they realize they lost.) I think the hardest part of parenting is staying calm when their brats have mastered how to push the right buttons. And if the child has a stubborn streak, said child may also have the patience to wear down the parent in this winner take all contest of wills.

In your attempt to maintain peace, you cave. Yes? Your MIL pounces on that.

Suppose you say “I left (her favorite) muffin on the kitchen table” and walk away? Countdown 3-2-1. Here comes the order to bring it to her. Don’t. Expect a rant. Reply “This is unacceptable behavior” and walk away. Take a stand; leave the muffin in the kitchen for the day and if she doesn’t get it, eat it yourself or throw it out. “Say obviously you didn’t want it.” If she starts up, don’t defend and counter with “what’s done is done.”

If it gets ugly, put the phone on photo video mode and tell her you’re sure her son who like to see her acting like this. Or offer to post it online.

She baits you with “why were you gone so long?” Don’t take the bait and explain. Try “I’m here now” or “what did you do?”

She refuses to eat. Let her cook for herself. She leaves a mess. Scoop it up in a box and put it on her bed. Stop doing her laundry. You are, aren’t you? Don’t make her bed. Don’t clean her room.

Reward the good behavior (it’s shocking how much we praise children and how little we say thank you or compliment adults).

Be brave. Command respect..

Hi Scarlettrene,

In looking at your profile, it appears that in the past, you had moved your own mother from AL into your home and took care of her. You’ve also shared a lot of good advice on the forum about dealing with incontinence so that must’ve been part of taking care of your mom. That care situation couldn’t have been easy to deal with, for you or your husband. So as maddening as your present situation sounds, it seems like husband has an expectation of you to repeat that care for his mother.

IMHO, what’s needed is to remove MIL from YOUR home into her own IL or AL apartment, because a home can only have one Queen (a lesson I learned the hard way). Clearly MIL now believes she is that Queen and expects servitude from you. If there are other reasons for her to stay, then you must set your limits, communicate those with husband and MIL, and strictly enforce them. Even if they choose not to hear your words, your actions will speak loud enough to get your message across. It could be a real game-changer for you!

Good luck!

PLEASE don’t let this go on! It will only get worse. My parents moved into an apartment in my father’s mother’s home when they returned from their honeymoon in 1948, then, when they moved into a house, she went with them. She was still with them when she died in 1974. She made my mother’s life a living hell the whole time while my father turned a blind eye to it.

My grandmother did next to nothing for herself except doing her own laundry. She never so much as peeled a carrot, complained that my mother served meat that had been frozen, and was under the impression that the government paid my father to take care of her, something she liked to announce on the rare occasion my parents had guests. When she became incontinent it was my mother who got to clean up the mess while my father berated her for not cleaning it up fast enough. She harassed and lied about me to my parents, told my brother to call the police when my mother gave him a mild crack with the wooden spoon, and more. It was a nightmare!

When my grandmother died, my father announced that my mother needed to get a job in a nursing home because she loved taking care of old people. I walked out of the room to keep from slugging him.

Get out now because it won’t get any better.

My beloved mil, her deaf parents voice and caretaker from childhood until her mother’s death at 104, made her four children swear that they would never take her into their homes to live. How I miss that wonderful woman!

Stop enabling your MIL and husband. Set your ground rules and stand by them [other than in emergency type situations]. As long as you don't do that nothing will change except you will get more frustrated, angry and perhaps sick yourself. Take car of yourself first! It might be helpful for you to get some counselling for yourself. Do you have any children and/or does your husband have any siblings who might be able to help? Do you pay all of her expenses? Perhaps that is something to look at. Is there a POA? If not, who pays her bills now and what would happen if she got ill? All things to consider

Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, your husband sounds just like his mother.

Its his mother not yours and his responsibility.

Tell him your going away for weekends to get a break and he can take care of her. If you do this continuously he will have to get someone.

Here's the book about Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Please, please, please get a copy and read it. It will help you so much! You can find it on Google or Amazon.

Tell MIL that life does not owe her ANYTHING, and never has. My Dad is 101 & was self-sufficient until he recently developed Dementia. He is now in an assisted-living facility, paid for by Medicaid. If Hubby is unwilling to deal with his mother, he is useless. Either he helps out & speaks up about her ridiculous spoiled-brat behavior, gets part-time eldercare for the old self-centered witch or you can divorce the pair of them! Or, at least, speak up for yourself! You have the right to tell MIL that you will not tolerate her behavior or she can find someone else to live. She is feeling sorry for herself enough...you don't need to.

It sounds like your husband is choosing to be oblivious, he knows he can count on you and that’s a good thing but he is more afraid of his mothers complaints than he is of yours. Wright or wrong it isn’t all that surprising and in fairness it’s hard to really comprehend what caregiving takes when you aren’t around on a daily basis to live it. His mother may have even suggested you “we’re having an affair” at some point and he found it as ridiculous and funny as he when he shared it with you, without actually sharing it. I agree with those that that are suggesting simply not catering to MIL or waiting on her wether she feels she’s earned it or not, she hasn’t earned it with you! You have already tried to talk to your husband about it and he chooses to not take your concerns seriously so let your MIL do the complaining to him and see how that goes. “Scarlettrine won’t serve me what and when I want she just tells me when dinner is ready and if I don’t eat then I have to get it myself. She won’t do my laundry or go to the store for me when I want something she just tells me she is doing a load and asks if I have anything to add, asks if I need anything when she goes to the store, otherwise I have to do these things myself!” Given that your MIL is capable of doing these things it should sound as silly complaining to your husband and when he says “I don’t see the problem” and she answers that she has earned the right to be waited on he might have a harder time justifying and explaining that to you. Basically as long as you are keeping his mother safe and not fighting with her or trying to make her miserable how can he justify complaint? You have opened up your home to her and incorporated her needs (actual needs) into your routine because you love him, you go the extra mile for her because you care about her and her comfort but when she isn’t caring about and appreciating you it doesn’t make you feel like doing those special things that aren’t necessary for her safety and survival. No need for fighting or begging for your own time just take it and if she needs more care than can fit into your life then they need to figure out how to get than, you are happy to help by collecting info and options but it’s not up to you to and you can’t provide whatever care she needs. Let your MIL deal with slapping her son into the realization HE needs to participate! If she can’t go food shopping on her own and won’t do it on your schedule set up an account for her to either have groceries delivered or for curb pick up, if she needs company give her the info for joining the local senior center, they usually have transportation available too. If you are giving her options to help herself other than you it may be harder for either of them to justify you being the only choice. As others have said when you decide to stop allowing her to bully you by changing your gut reaction, it’s silly laugh to yourself, you aren’t able to get that for her right now so say “sorry I’m in the middle of something but feel free to get that yourself”. It may not change her attitude but by changing yours hopefully you will feel and be less trapped. An added benefit might be that her attitude changes, bullies often respect and respond better to strength and firmness, boundaries set and maintained.

Leaving your husband would not be much of a loss. You are being used. You are probably financially dependent on him which leaves you a bit stuck unless you can figure out a way to support yourself so you can leave. His leaving you to take care of his mother does not show any respect for you.

If you think you love him enough to stay in this marriage, then you may have to accept these unpleasant "servant" duties as your "job" for which you are paid by being housed and fed. If that's not enough, you need to leave him and let him arrange care for his mother.

Your situation is going to get much, much worse. If you have the courage, stop it now, using the good advice already given here. If you value your life you will immediately take big steps to stop this nonsense. If you have a pattern of being a doormat, I see a life of sheer misery before you. Oh, and if no one has mentioned it, divorce is a thing.

Easy…. Leave him and let him look after his own mother she is not your responsibility

So... he moved mom in then basically abandoned you. I lived that situation, start making plans for a solo vacation. I gave mommy's boy a heads up that he's got 2 weeks to get help for mommy because I'm leaving on vacation by myself and not sure when I'll be back. I did what I said I'd do. I didn't call him, and didn't answer his calls. In the meantime, get together info on where to find caregivers etc. And present it to him and tell him it's now in his court. Do not make any calls. That's his job. Then he will try sweet talking and listening, I'd tell him I'm not talking about it till I return, and at that time he'd better have plans in place for a caregiver, assisted living, memory care or whatever it takes because if they're not, you'll be leaving permamately. Once you return, if things are not in place, pack your stuff, take 1/2 the money and get your own place. Tell him you're not allowing yourself to be used any longer. This is HIS mom.. not yours. Another thing.... are you sure he's not the one having the affair?
Stand up for yourself because no one else will do it as you know. Be strong and please let us know how things are going. WE care!
I'm sick of men using their spouses, GF, daughter's and sister's to get out of their responsibilities. We've got to make it clear to them we refuse to be used any longer. Once I got back from my vacation, he'd sent her to assisted living. She loved it because she met new people, made friends, had her meals cooked, laundry done etc. It was wonderful. That's when I knew he still loved me and wanted our relationship to work. He just had to prove it. Good luck to you!

It is reasonable to just not serve her snacks or meals. Put them on the table for meals if that is how you roll or she can serve herself. She can get her own snacks. It is up to her if she wants to be unhappy about it. It seems that she is able enough to be left alone. Don't be there at lunch time. Tell her what's available and, if she is hungry, she can round up lunch. It's not mean to have her do this. It keeps her busy. Find a senior center in your community. Many have a luncheon every week. Drop her off and pick her up later. When she complains, suggest to her that she tell her son. And feel free to leave him alone with her on the weekends. Don't expect him to change anything. I hope you can work it out with him.
Don't do anything for her that she can do for herself.

Scarlet,

You mentioned that your MIL moved in with you both in December, but I am curious to know if there was ANY conversation regarding his expectations for her care BEFORE she moved in.

I would NEVER move anyone into our home without having a thorough discussion that covers every 'what if' scenario that we could imagine, and we both need to come to an agreement.

Your MIL stated that she has "worked so many years" so she should have the means to pay for helpers (caregivers/companions), and I would recommend that you present a few options of caregiving agencies to your MIL and husband. After the options are presented (minimum hours, time schedule, days needed, etc.), I would ask MIL which options and schedule she thinks may be a good fit to assist her -- especially since MIL feels she should be served, etc. -- use MIL's funds to make that a reality.

Again, I am interested in what conversation, if any, was had with your husband BEFORE MIL moved in.

It sounds like she is capable to be alone. Here are some options. 1. Try to find "friends" for her. I pay $10 for people to stop by for an hour to have coffee with my mom. 2. Be matter of fact tell her are heading to where ever. Ask does she need anything in that place and you will be back in 2 hours or whatever time, always add a bit extra for delays.. 3. she must pay some of the bills in your house. a flat rate has worked best when I have had elders(4). Nursing homes take the ss check less a small amount for their personal use. She needs to know this. She needs to be thankful your family is willing to have her. My mom got nasty, long story short, she lives elsewhere now. She is still not happy.

Get Clergyman or Counselor to speak to both your husband. Write down your daily anxieties that need mediation. Pray for patience. We will all sucuumb to Dementia if we live long.

Ironically, my MIL, with Alzheimer's, accused me of having an affair with her (late) husband, thinking that MY husband was HER husband. I learned that an older Alzheimer's brain often can't be reasoned with. I agree with some of the other suggestions, such as trying to geta responisble person to sit withyour MIL a few hours here and there, so you can have some time for yourself. My MIL lived in memory Care, but my mom with Alzheimer's lived with us. It upended our lives, so we tried to adjust the best we could. Not always easy. Good luck.

Remember that your MIL cannot FORCE you to work for her. Just stop. She looks after herself, or she goes hungry. You go out when you want to, and come back when you want to. Not her business. You walk out of the room when she says she DESERVES to be waited on.

You don't nee to be angry, or to complain to your husband. Just stop.