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Hi all, I am brand new here today, and fell in love with everyone's posts from the other discussions.


My FIL just called to say my MIL, who has advanced ALZ, was told by the doctor's that she has 2 weeks to live. She spent the last few days in the hospital due to being difficult to awaken in the AM, finally becoming unresponsive. She is not eating or drinking. Except for a UTI, they could not find anything else wrong with her, and discharged her home. I suspect they are not excessively testing due to her advanced state. As an RN who works in Long Term Care at a NH, I know this is her body saying it's had enough. It is so hard to evaluate since I am not there with her. I hope to get to speak with the Hospice nurse once she is in place. MIL has had ALZ for years and the last few she has needed complete help with her ADL's. She doesn't talk much if at all, but usually follows directions given to her. All care has come from my FIL. They are both 78. It's so hard because we live 700 miles apart, my FIL had no additional information to give us, except that he was told to get Hospice in place. My spouse is really struggling with the Dr saying 2 weeks. I tried to explain from my experience, she most likely couldn't live more than 2 weeks without food and water. Especially since she isn't really swallowing. He didn't like my answers, so I have backed off. We see them once a year because we live so far apart. I know my spouse is sad that this has come out of no where and it is his mom. My FIL has his other son close by so that is good for him. FIL is really upset, but he also knows this has been coming for awhile. He couldn't go anywhere with out her, but she didn't like to leave the house, so he was trapped at home. Good care was hard to find, even though he had enough money to pay for it. I hope at some point, I can lead him to this site. I found it so helpful and I think he would too.


I'm trying to convince my spouse that we need to make a trip to see her, come back and then wait for the phone call to come in. She will be buried near where we live. I've seen enough families in the NH to know that not going to see her now would be a mistake, and we shouldn't wait until she passes.


Our other issue is, we planned a vacation in a few weeks and as far as I know, nothing is refundable. I don't know if the condo owners will refund our money. I know I can change the airline tickets for a fee, but in total it was a lot of money. I know I sound selfish. I apologize. My spouse and I are both 50, and now that our kids are older, we finally have enough money for a nice vacation. I don't even know if we would have fun, especially him. What if she doesn't pass? I welcome any and all feedback. Just throwing my thoughts out there. Thank you for reading this long thread.


Faith

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Can your husband get on a plane tomorrow to go see his mom? Is that what he wants?

Call the airline and speak to a supervisor about your MIL's imminent death. Do the same with the condo owners.

I'm sorry that you're going through this. (((((((Hugs))))))))
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Faith343 Mar 2019
Hi,

We made it in time. He was very resistant to the trip, but gave in. The condo owners have been so nice! Working on the airlines now.
Thank you!
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I lost a good friend last summer to alzheimers. I saw her in the spring. I was very glad I went. Encourage him to go be with his mom and dad and brother. He will never regret going.
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Faith343 Mar 2019
Hi,

Men can be so resistant. We made the trip and very happy we did.

Thank you!
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Even if his Mom can’t appreciate his visit, I think his Dad would. I would do it for him.
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Faith343 Mar 2019
Hi,

We made the trip and he was very happy to see us. MIL is hanging in
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1. See if you can get travel insurance (insuremytrip.com) - death of a parent is usually a covered event.
2. Go now. Do not wait. This sounds like my husband in October when he got the same call about his mom. It is like he just could not process what he was being told by the doctor. So I literally got the plane tickets, packed his bag, put him on the plane that day. I knew he would never live with his self if he didn't do it. In fact (he was flying from China to Atlanta - at best a 24 hour door to door trip) I even made him get an additional ticket that got him to Atlanta sooner when he landed in LA because his original ticket had a layover was so long - and I was right to insist- she passed 3 hours after he arrived at her bedside. You will never regret going - you will regret it you don't go.
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Faith343 Mar 2019
Hi,

Sorry to hear about your MIL. My spouse was the same. He could not process what anyone was saying. It feels good to have no regrets.
Thank you for responding.
Faith
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it is so important to go to support the family members who have been living through her decline. They are at rock bottom.
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Faith343 Mar 2019
Hi,

You are so right. My FIL has been doing this alone for so long. I hate that we live so far away. They made the move 20 years ago and missed most of our kids lives, but I understand they are entitled to their retirement. We made the trip and my FIL was very happy to see us. It's been great to see them both. FIL was able to get some aides to come in and help out so that was really helpful.
Thank you for responding.
Faith
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Actually a body can only go a few DAYS without water. If bad comes to worse you can always opt for a feeding tube...as a last resort. they have their complications, risk for infection, and they can get pulled out. but without water a person dies in a few days. If anything go there to help with funeral arrangements and other paper work.
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anonymous89589 Mar 2019
Dear Cetude, this is not always true. My Dad was in in-hospital Hospice totally unresponsive for TEN days--no water, no food, nothing. Apparently, he was waiting for his stubborn brother to make the trip from Florida before he gave in to death. His body was already turning black (hands and feet), but he would not give up. Fifteen minutes after his brother arrived, he passed away. Our bodies and our wills are amazing things.

Faith 343, I would definitely urge your husband to make the trip now. Your situation will most likely end up like ours did with your poor MIL holding on and on in order to see her son before her death. This will be miserably difficult for your FIL to witness, as it was for us. My uncle could not admit to himself that this was the end, so he kept avoiding it. Even the nurses in Hospice told us that our Dad was waiting for someone, otherwise he would have passed away far earlier. It is very difficult, but your husband must pull it together and make the trip--for everyone's sake.

I am so sorry that you both have to go through this. Hugs and prayers!
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Go-no excuse is good enough not too! As an RN you must know this is it, and that hearing is the last sense they lose so she will know he is there which any mother at any age would want
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Faith343 Mar 2019
Hi,

You are right, no excuses. I do see death on a regular basis and it is so hard on the families. We made the trip and FIL was very happy to see us. Hubby is more at peace now.

Thank you for responding!
Faith
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Can you go by yourself, with a friend, relative? Sounds like nothing you say will convince him...then come back, and take that vacation...you need it.
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Faith343 Mar 2019
Hi,

We made the trip, but it was not easy to convince hubby. MIL is hanging in and FIL was very happy to see us. We postponed our trip for sometime in the future.

Thank you for responding.
Faith
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Oh screw the vaca you had planned. Play on the sympathy vote with proof if needed, I think most moral people would refund most of any deposits you have in place. Now is not the time for some happy little holiday as it won't BE HAPPY. You won't know about deposits till you ask and I think MOST* people would at least give you back 90%, in fact might want to say, hey keep 10% for the inconvenience. Then there is the back door route of STOP PAYMENTS if they are the cruel and greedy sort.

And I am sorry, I don't buy the BS the docs sell of 2 week. My dad got 2 mo, and with the right care and not telling him that, he lived a YEAR AND A HALF after that 2 mo expiration date. People with UTIs don't feel good, they don't want to eat. There is the feeding tube option. There is the IV fluid option. Person can go a long time without food but not fluids.

My advice would be, get your butts THERE. 700 miles away, well you have little control and really have no idea what is really going on and are depending on hearsay. I would think your husband and his family should be top priority at this moment in time, that he needs to be with her.
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Faith343 Mar 2019
Hi,
I'm sorry to hear about your dad, and happy you were given an extra year and half to spend with him. Plans can change on a moments notice. We made the trip and FIL was happy to see us. We postponed our vacation and the condo owners were very nice and refunded all of our money. Hubby was very resistant at first to make the trip, but he is happy we made it. MIL was given fluids and antibiotics and she rallied a little. We are not sure what direction she is going in next, but it's nice to be here supporting FIL. Hospice is currently in place and they have been wonderful! They did a great job of explaining everything to DH.
Thank you so much for responding!!
Faith
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Well *I* think that in retrospect your DH will be glad that he saw his mother before she passed away. I agree with you. And the sooner the better, to give him a chance to see her before the reflex end of life symptoms might kick in, which can be extremely upsetting for people who aren't prepared for them.

And surely your FIL would appreciate the moral support?

But, only your husband can decide what he wants to do. It may be, of course, that he decides he doesn't want to decide and would rather be completely passive. That is a sort of choice, too, and he's free to make it. We might not think it's likely to be the best one, but who are we to say what's right for him?

Perhaps you could ask him what he thinks would be best, and hope to prompt him to open up a bit that way?

You do not sound at all selfish to give practical thought to an expensive, and much anticipated, vacation. No insurance, I assume? I should get proactive about the arrangements, then, and see if you can get any wiggle room on it; if you really can't, then plan to go. The worst that can happen is that in the event neither of you thinks it a good idea and you lose the money. Well - dam'!!! But it's only money.
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jacobsonbob Mar 2019
If they agree to postpone but reschedule the vacation, perhaps the providers would be more sympathetic than they would with a complete cancellation.
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Faith, you are a nursing home nurse. You know the routine. Don't you often see requests from families for a doc's signature on a form to request ticket refund from airlines? Airlines are very lenient on these requests is my own personal experience. When stepdad passed two years ago, I canceled a non-refundable flight and drove since flight was a few days later. I had no trouble getting a refund with a small service fee. If you cancel they may let you reschedule for another time without charging any sort of fee. You know that even with a two week prognosis, that this can vary greatly.

Don't advise FIL to go for feeding tube. I am sure you are very well aware of the pain and discomfort this could cause MIL. You are an expert in elder care. Take ideas and advice that are relevant to your experience that you can use and leave the rest behind.

Thinking of you and your family.
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Faith343 Mar 2019
Hi,

You are right. I am very familiar with the routine at the end of life. We have actually not gotten any requests for letters for airlines, but that could be because I work for a private family owned business and all the residents are private pay. These families are very well off so a plane ticket for them is not a big deal. Prognosis do vary and MIL has rallied a little with fluids and antibiotics. We are not going with a feeding tube. They are never recommended, and her MOLST states not to place one.
We postponed our trip and the condo owners were very nice and refunded all of our money. I am hoping the airlines are as nice.
Thank you for your kind and supporting words. Very much appreciated.
Faith
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Once my dad was in the condition you describe, he passed away in 5 days.  The Dr at NH and Hospice care told us it would be about 4 - 5 days.   He had advanced dementia and was unresponsive, (did not eat or drink for a few days before becoming unresponsive, couldn't swallow anymore).   I stayed with him every day for those last days and I wouldn't have missed it for the world.   I'd go if I were you.  See what can be done about the trip, but in any event, I would go to be with her.  I miss my dad so much.      Good luck and hugs to you.
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Faith343 Mar 2019
Hi,

Thank you for your kind words. I'm sorry to hear about your dad. People can pass so quickly. No one knows how much time anyone has except God. We made the trip and are very glad we did. FIL was very happy to see us. MIL was given antibiotics and fluids in the hospital and rallied a little. She is still hanging on at this point. She is home and has Hospice in place and they have been wonderful! We postponed our trip and the condo owners have been so nice. Hugs to you too!!
Faith
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Airlines are less "nice" when it comes to non refundable tickets and they will not waive fees if they do change.
I would imagine the condo owner will also charge a hefty fee to cancel. The exception might be if you got a great deal and this condo is highly sought after.
Not sure about travel insurance if you can buy it now this close to a trip and there may be a clause about "pre existing" conditions.

If you can both go visit Mom that would be great but he should go at least.
Will she have a large funeral or a small one? I delayed my Husbands funeral a few days so his son could get home.
If she does pass while you are on your vacation the funeral can be delayed until you get back.
A friend of mine arranged her funeral so that it was held several weeks after her death so that friends and family could get into town and not have to buy last minute tickets.

A long time friend and mentor of mine is dying and I have a vacation planned and I wrote to his wife that I was in a quandary about flying to see him now or wait and she told me to go on my vacation, enjoy it for them (they loved to travel). That is my plan, I do have a heavy heart but he would understand and life does go on.

I bet his Mom would say, as all Mom's would..."Go on your trip, don't worry about me. I'll be fine." (and I would add to that...I would rather see you while I was alive)
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Faith343 Mar 2019
Hi,

I'm sorry to hear about your friend and your husband. We made the trip to see them and are very happy we did. FIL was very happy to see us. We postponed our vacation. The condo owners were very nice and refunded all of our money. Working now on the airlines. Looking into travel insurance now. The funeral will be small but our vacation would be 3 weeks so we decided to cancel for now. MIL rallied a little with antibiotics and fluid. She is home and has Hospice in place. DH would not have enjoyed our trip. His mom and dad would both tell us to go on our trip, but the timing was off.
Thank you for reaching out and responding
Faith
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Sons and their mothers!
How would it be if you said, because you’ve experience of these things, that you’d go on your own and see how she is? And ask your partner what he’d like- would he like you to stay until MIL passes, and be the one to call him to let him know, or would he like you to come back home after a few days and wait for the hospital to call and let you know what’s happening? You both have different needs- can you see to your own needs and encourage him to voice his?
700 miles is a long way. How distant would you think was too far? Whatever happens, wrong or right decisions don’t have to stay with you forever- we all make mistakes and life doesn’t go smoothly for everyone all the time. Forgive yourselves for what you can’t do and save your energy for the things you can.
get your money back from the holiday, asap, then when the time is right, plan a beautiful trip to help yourselves heal.
wishing you peace.
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Faith343 Mar 2019
Hi,

We did make the trip to see them and FIL was happy to see us. DH had a hard time accepting his mom's decline, but Hospice was a huge help. She came home from the hospital after getting antibiotics and fluids. Hospice and aides are very helpful. We postponed our trip and hope to reschedule soon. The condo owners were very nice and refunded our money. We are staying to see what direction MIL takes. Thank you for reaching out.
Faith
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Just go. When my father passed of luekemia he had a couple of weeks. One of my sisters didn't understand the concept of visiting now, not waiting. We finally convinced her to come now and enjoy the last of our dad. She is now glad she did. All of us kids where able to stay together and visit with him daily in the rehab center he was in. We brought in a dinner and they let us use the dining room privately, we brought pictures to go through and talk over, even cocktails! For me it was a happy time and I did not feel grief, just happy memories.
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Faith343 Mar 2019
Hi,

I'm sorry to hear about your dad. Getting all together and going through pictures sounds great. The brother went home and hasn't returned. DH was very resistant to going, but he did give in. I know the end of life process, but DH doesn't and doesn't really know what I do and go through at work. We did make the trip to see them and FIL was very happy. DH feels at peace with his mom. I gave up and Hospice did an excellent job for me.  She had antibiotics and fluids at the hospital and rallied a little. She came home and Hospice is in place. We are all hanging on waiting to see what will happen next.
It's great that you said good bye to your dad with happy memories and no grief. I hope we can have the same.
Thank you for reaching out to me. Hugs for you and your family.
Faith
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Do what you won't regret in the future.
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Faith343 Mar 2019
Great advice!! We made the trip and have no regrets. Vacation can wait.
Thanks,
Faith
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Oh gosh, such a tough situation. You have such a handle on it...and can't control so much of it. You're right on so many parts, and it is probably, because no matter what, we are always regardless of age going to be kids, is your husband having some so understandable denial of the reality...or maybe fear of being there at the end. How long could you stay? Would it be better to gamble, wait a week, and then be there when she passes? Of course that is also an "if". But the MD believes it won't be long, hospice is getting involved. With their objective observations they could probably give you a more accurate heads-up if you didn't go until closer to the end. But you know the regret that may follow from not being there. I'm one of those who believes people can sense the presence of others even if non-communicative.
IF you act now, and let the condo owners know, maybe they had or could have others interested in taking your spot so you wouldn't lose the funds. Sometimes...there is compassion out there...and you have nothing to lose on pleading to that compassionate side. And actually the same with the airline. Telling them NOW, will free up the seats to be resold. I would try to go through a higher-up/executive office of the airline, and my mind is blanking out but there is a travel writer who has a blog or website and provides a link to the list of these people.
It's SO understandable and not selfish at all to be disappointed about this long awaited trip being cancelled...you never could have imagined this would be the moment as things were so stable in spite of it all. Elaborate and make your case. You'd be surprised at the number of people who have dealt with dementia in their lives. Of course there is scum out there who is not honest, so the airline might want some documentation from the MD or hospice, or potentially a death certificate. They may give you a credit for future travel, which you will truly need and be able to better enjoy in the future.
If possible, do not use your official vacation time to deal with these caregiving issues, because you will need the vacation:-)
There is such a thing, even if you make your own travel arrangements, as trip insurance...even just for condo renting and hotels and airfare. Sometimes a percentage of the costs involved. Some...you MUST read the fine print allow you to cancel for any reason, some for immediate family. Usually you have to buy it within a certain period of time after making reservations. These are independent companies, not necessarily the airline.

You are right of course about wanting to go to see MIL now as opposed to later which may not come. And right as well that she may not pass in the time frame anticipated.

The other possibility is that, assuming nothing is refundable, and that MIL does pass sooner rather than later as that seems inevitable, that you are not going to have to be worried and could still take the trip. That's a tough call...only you and your spouse will know. But I can tell you that at a time I was grieving and had prior plans just to go for a few days...I couldn't think or process very well...and others who were older and wiser gave me some encouragement to go telling me that a change of scenery was sometimes quite beneficial. It gave me a chance to not have to talk to anyone or account for myself; I could sleep or eat or not. I actually found myself in a bookstore where I found a book describing someone going through a similar grieving experience and it helped me through.

Let us know how it goes. Take care.
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Faith343 Mar 2019
Hi,

Wow you are so sweet! Thank you for your thoughtful words. I'm sorry for your loss. Hubby was definitely in denial and because they live so far away it was worse. We did make the trip and happy we did. FIL was very happy to see us. Both using FMLA from work. Postponed the trip and condo owners refunded all of our money. Working on the airlines now and hoping for a similar outcome. So thankful for the refunds. I don't know what I would have done, and happy we did not have to make that decision.
We don't travel ever, (last year was our first real trip) and never thought I needed trip insurance. I was determined to take the trip no matter what. But didn't expect this. I thought if I got sick or broke my leg, I would still go because it was 18 days and I would recover there. So next trip, insurance for sure! MIL is home from the hospital after getting fluids and antibiotics and rallied a little. She is still hanging on and now is even drinking a little Boost and pudding. No one knows what will happen in the next few days. It has become a waiting game.
I love the idea of a book on grieving. I will try to make a trip to a bookstore so I can find one.
I also believe people can sense the presence of others. FIL has spent quite a bit of time when she first came home pouring out his heart to her and I know she heard him. She took his hand a few times and opens her eyes to look at him. She has times when she is awake and just staring, and times when she is resting peacefully. She smiles when my DH talks to her. She has aides as well as Hospice coming and all have been very helpful. It's all in God's hands now and we just have to wait and see what happens.
Thank you again for reaching out to me.
Faith
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My two cents is go now to see your MIL. You and your husband then won't have regret. I don't know the dates of your trip, or how much money may be lost but I assume you will get over that easier than not seeing your MIL at the end of her life. Your presence will also be a comfort to your FIL, even if you stay for only 1-2 days. This is only my thought, but there is no wrong answer. Make your decision, then don't second guess it.
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Faith343 Mar 2019
Hi,
Thank you for responding. We decided to go see her and are with her now. I know my DH would have regretted it if we didn't make this trip. I see it all the time in the NH. We call families and they don't come fast enough. We were very lucky and have gotten back the condo payments so far. FIL was happy to see us. So now we wait and see what happens. I appreciate the response.
Faith
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Hi. I'm not sure about the relationship between his parents and if it might be affecting his decisions. If there is any bond there with either parent, he might regret not going at a later point. I'm with everyone on here who says that you might be able to get something back from the condo people. With your job, you know how quickly things could happen. Do what you need to do and I'm sorry about this hard time. Sending warmest thoughts.
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Faith343 Mar 2019
Hi,
Thank you for responding. DH has a decent relationship with his parents and we did decide to make the trip. Sadly, I do know how quickly situations can turn, and families are not always around. DH was resistant at first, but did come around. I think he was more scared to see his mom in such a state, than how we saw her last fall. We postponed the vacation and were refunded our money from the condos. MIL continues to hang in and we wait to see what the next few days bring. Unfortunately, we can't stay forever, but long enough to get everything in order and give FIL some peace and comfort.
Thank you,
Faith
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In cases of Medical emergencies and family death plans are often refundable or rescheduled when requested with minimal charge or you can purchase travel insurance today.
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Faith343 Mar 2019
Hi,

I am looking into travel insurance for the airlines now. We were refunded all our money from the condos so that is a huge weight off. Hoping the airlines will be as forgiving.
Thank you for responding.
Faith
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It’s hard to deal with death for some. Could it be he just does not want to deal with that? My mother refused to accept my stepfather was dying even though she had repeatedly been told it by doctors. He was 92, she said to the drs who were telling her he would not recover, she “ thought he had another good 10 years left”. ( moderate-severe ALZ pre infection, bladder infection led to end stage, death after she finally took him off life support)
After he went home , they had given him a week or so but died in less than 3 days . If she isn’t being fed , I doubt she’ll last 3 weeks.
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Faith343 Mar 2019
Hi,
I'm sorry about your step father. I agree, death is harder for some. This took us by such surprise. We had just spoken to FIL a few weeks ago and all was fine. I think DH couldn't accept that we would see his mom in such declined state. UIT's seem to be what accelerates the death of Alzheimer's patients. Their symptoms are so vague and they can't tell us anything. We made the trip and FIL was happy to see us. MIL has rallied a little and is still hanging on. We are taking it one day at a time. Hospice and aides are great. They are giving my FIL some peace and rest which he really needs.
Thank you for reaching out.
Faith
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I will never forget the night the hospice nurse told me my father had two weeks to live. My mom was having a difficult time emotionally seeing my dad in the nursing home, but for some reason I told her that she HAD to go see him in the morning. I picked her up, drove her there. He passed within the hour.
There's no question about going sooner or later. I would at least have your husband go as soon as possible. She may go sooner like my dad did, or live a few weeks longer, you just never know.
Take care, I know these are tough decisions.
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Faith343 Mar 2019
Hi,
I'm sorry about your dad. End of life is so uncertain. Thankfully you had a feeling that your mom needed to visit and she got to see him. Some Hospice people are more experienced than others. That can make a huge difference. I have seen residents at my job pass quickly and others take weeks, then the families are mad at us for it not happening sooner. NH are tough places. They can be very depressing and it can be challenging for loved ones to see their family member so weak and in need of assistance when they had been so strong their whole life.
We did make the trip and are happy we are here. FIL was happy to have company and be able to leave the house and walk the dog. MIL is hanging on so we are taking one day at a time. Only God knows when she will pass.
Thank you for reaching out.
Faith
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it's a very hard choice to decide what to do.although . i feel that you'd not have any regrets if you'd decide to see her,but you might have guilty feelings if you don't. i have always put the familly and loved ones first, but that is my choice. all i can say is do what you feel is right.her husband will feel that you and your mate really care about his feelings too.it's your choice .and your in our prayers .
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Faith343 Mar 2019
Hi,

Thank you for your prayers. I was all for jumping on the first flight, but DH resisted. He really struggled with seeing his mom. He didn't want to believe she was really dying. We did make the trip and are happy to be here. FIL was glad to see us and have some support. We are taking it one day at time.
Thank you for responding.
Faith
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Ask your husband about the trip and don't cancel, reschedule. If you give them enough time to rebook you will not loose everything, you may also have to pay a rebooking fee but far better than loosing everything.

Get on this today.

I would just tell my husband that I know this has been a long journey and he needs to decide and I will back his decision no matter what it is, then leave it alone. He needs to process this is really the end.

Hugs to both of you, it is such a difficult journey.
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Faith343 Mar 2019
Hi again, (second response)

Thanks for the hugs. DH was very resistant to going, but I was able to convince him to go. FIL was very happy to see us. DH was having a hard time accepting her dying, but Hospice was wonderful where I was unable to help him. MIL is hanging on, so we are taking it day by day. We did postpone our vacation for sometime in the future. The condo owners were very nice and refunded our money.
Thank you for reaching out again
Faith
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Go see your husband’s parents. You will need the vacation after MIL passes. Just lost my 93 yr old mama to dementia. Once, she isn’t swallowing, her time is limited. Be there for your FIL. Hospice staff are a special group of people. They will help your husband and FIL understand what is happening (you already know).
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Faith343 Mar 2019
Hi,

Thank you for reaching out. I'm sorry about your mom. Dementia is such an awful disease. We made the trip and FIL was happy to see us. I totally agree about Hospice staff. Maybe that will be my next job. They have been so wonderful for everyone, especially my DH. Vacation is postponed until further notice, but we are working on refunds. MIL is still hanging in and we are taking one day at a time.
Thank you again,
Faith
Faith
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Make the trip now.
Ron
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Faith343 Mar 2019
Thanks. We did. :)

Faith
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Faith343: You should go see your MIL. Your husband believes that "this came out of nowhere?" Please do not misconstrue my statement as being acrimonious. Certainly since you've been seeing them once yearly, he knew that Alzheimer's was going to claim his mother's life, though I certainly do understand that this is a horrid disease since I've had and have relatives and friends with the disease. I think you may have a lot of tomorrows regretting if you DIDN'T see his mom. Can you afford to eat the cost of the condo and refund some of the airline tickets? Even if you can't, perhaps you will want to cancel out the trip for the emotional wellbeing of both of you. You're absolutely right - you wouldn't have fun if you went on the vacation as you might be riddled with worry and guilt. Praying for you both. God bless.

Tip: If perchance you used your credit card for the condo fee and airline tickets, I suggest that you contact your credit card company, saying that you have a dire family emergency and perhaps they will be more willing to refund.
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Faith343 Mar 2019
Hi,
Thank you for the prayers. DH had a hard time accepting it, but finally agreed to go and Hospice was wonderful in helping him understand all that was happening. We postponed the trip for now. The condo owners were great and refunded our money. I am now working on the airlines. Thanks for the tip about contacting the credit card company. I did not think of that. It can't hurt.
Thank you for reaching out.
Faith
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I would go to see her. When my mom stopped eating and swallowing water it was 4 days until she passed. As for the vacation, It depends on how short a time before you cancel...some places are non refundable, but you may be able to talk to someone that may adjust things for you. Tripadvisor bookings can be cancelled if you booked through them, I hear. After having to cancel 7 trips in the last 25 years...I always recommend buying some form of travel insurance in the future. For about $60 a person we have had whole cruises and flights refunded several times. They are especially cooperative if there is an illness or a death in the family. Maybe you could book the condo for a future date and take a smaller loss.
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Faith343 Mar 2019
Hi,
I'm sorry about your mom. The eating and swallowing really hit home with me. There just isn't any definitive time table. I really felt like she didn't have much time. I was able to convince DH to make the trip and it is working out well. FIL was happy to see us and have some company. We did postpone the trip. I will never go without trip insurance again. The condo owners were very nice and refunded out money, and now I am working on the airlines. The owners were open to us rescheduling in the future.
MIL is hanging on so we take it day by day. I booked the airline on Kayak so maybe they can help.
Thank you for reaching out.
Faith
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From what I've been seeing here, it appears the pattern is from about 3 to 5 days without food and water. The fact that these are patients who are already quite frail (as opposed to healthy young hikers who got stranded without food and water) would presumably tend to hasten the process somewhat (unless their metabolism is so slow it has the opposite effect!).
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Faith343 Mar 2019
Hi,
The lack of eating and drinking really accelerates the dying process. I think the MD thought since she was given some fluids and antibiotics for the UTI that she would have a little more time. She also is about 185 pounds so not quite as frail as many at this stage. She has rallied a little since coming home so we are keeping a close eye on her. She is still hanging on so we are taking it one day at a time. We have worked out the funeral arrangements in case we have to leave before she passes.
Thanks for reaching out. I was unable to respond to your other post so I tried to fit it all in here.
Faith
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A different point of view.

My grandmother had Chronic Leukemia, she had had it for many years. My mother and step dad were planning an extended trip to India. Although Granny was starting to fail, she told Mum to go on her trip. It had been planned for almost 18 months. About 1/2 way through Mum's trip Granny went into ICU, there was nothing more the doctors could do for her.

This was prior to the internet and email being widely available in Canada let alone in India. In the end, Mum's trip had to be cut short due to political uprisings in India and she arrived home the day before her mother died.

Mum's sister lived on the other side of the country. Aunt, decided that it was more important for her to be here for the funeral than see her mother who was completely unresponsive by this point.

Was Mum wrong for going on her trip? No, but it was incredibly hard for me, as the closest family member to, at age 26, sit beside my dying grandmother's bed without other support.

Was Aunt wrong to wait and come out for the funeral? No, Granny would not have known she was there, and my Aunt needed time to arrange time off work and travel.

As far as delaying funerals go, we do cremations and do not do viewings. When step dad died in November his funeral was 11 days later. It gave time for out of town family and friends to make travel arrangements. When Granny died all those years ago, the funeral was about 2 weeks later.

People can live different lengths of time, no matter what a doctor tells you. I know of someone who was given 4-5 months who was gone in 2 weeks, and another who should have died and held on for 3 weeks (no water, no feed) until her son was found and brought to her bedside.

Mum was told by the doctors on a Friday that step dad would not live until Christmas, he was dead the following Monday, November 26. I think he goal was his 84th birthday, he lived less than a week past it.
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Faith343 Mar 2019
Hi,
I'm sorry to hear about your Granny and step-dad. Timing is always an unknown. I'm sorry you had to sit alone with your Granny. We did make the trip and FIL was happy and appreciative. We all wish we had a magic ball that could tell us things like when will someone pass so we can all be ready, but we don't. MIL is still with us and sipping on Boost, so I don't know how this will end. We are just taking one day at a time. She has seen everyone she needed to see, and she is still with us.
Thank you for reaching out,
Faith
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