Near you. No matter how much they promise, and no matter how much they care, these friends will dwindle away because of their own deteriorating health, lack of interest, or dying. It happens. Then you're stuck with a two-hour round trip every time you visit your parents, and that gets old really fast.
It happened in my family and to others I know.
Think of how to make this easy on yourself, because hereafter you'll be called upon to do many things that you don't want to do. This, at least, might be something you can set up now to help yourself later.
Fawnby is spot on. I can count on two fingers of one hand how many times friends came to visit mom in her memory care AL and she was there just under 3 years. Same with family, albeit a few more times. I was IT. Truth is, nobody wants to deal with the reality of dementia up close and personal and witness the decline they see in their old friend or loved one. It's a tough pill to swallow, so only the strongest among us actually put our own feelings aside, suck it up and DO it. Sad but true.
My preference for my LO would be “near me”, and that decision worked great while caring for my mother, who lived to 95, then subsequently HER baby sister (died recently at 94).
This worked well to do early or late visits, bad weather, her emergencies, and so on.
Friends come and go, get sick themselves, travel, grow too old to be faithful visitors…..
Do whatever is best for YOU. My father put his friends before me my entire life. They were always more important. Then he got old and no one came around anymore. Suddenly I was important, but I didn't fall for it. He was a bit too late. I did things that worked for me and made my life easier because he sure as heck wasn't concerned about that.
I am identifying with your answer. I had the same situation all my life with my mom. After looking at several places that were close to my home and approximately half an hour away, I chose The one that was a half an hour away because I felt as though it was better care, cleaner and more friendly for my mom. She has made friends there and really enjoys having her lunches with them, etc., even though she has dementia and so do many others they’re in different degrees. I work full-time so I would not be there every day anyway. I was actually relieved to seeThat someone had a parent that was moreCaring about their friends. Everyone must remember that our parents friends age along with them and eventually will not be visiting them anyway. It’s sad but it’s true and visiting falls on us. I do feel as though my mom now does appreciate seeing me when she does, so I say make some memories with her now so I feel better about the past. Thank you for your comment it was very helpful to me
I would ask them what is best for them. I would take into consideration who visits the most. Which visits they enjoy the most. And how often you must visit in terms of helping them out with shopping, appointments, outings.
Friends tend to fall away once the dementia takes hold. People my mom's age were understanding when I first packed her up to be with me, but I think it's the acceptance of the changes that come with aging. And most will agree that their friends should be closer to their families, so they will understand.
If they are spry and able to still get out and about, and this were more an 'age in place' kind of thing then it would be nice for them to be near friends. But if they are facing some limitations due to the dementia or aging then they should be closer to you.
Friends tend to fall away once the dementia takes hold. People my mom's age were understanding when I first packed her up to be with me. I think it's the acceptance of the changes that come with aging. And most will agree that their friends should be closer to their families, so they will understand.
If they are spry and able to still get out and about, and this were more an 'age in place' kind of thing then it would be nice for them to be near friends. But if they are facing some limitations due to the dementia or aging then they should be closer to you.
My mom’s friends also dropped out of the picture once dementia took a firmer grip. It’s really sad.
One thing to maybe consider is, how is her doctor and health care access where she is? I live about an hour from my mom which creates its own problems, but moving her and switching providers from her good ones to ?? would’ve been trouble.
I did get a geriatric care manager to help step in when I couldn’t, and that has helped a LOT. Caveat I had to get creative with financing this.
It makes sense to place them in a facility near to you. You will want to visit one a week if not more. The easier it is for you, the better the situation it will be. Good luck.
near you, if you are their only child and you love your parents and want to see them more often. I had my family 5 minute drive. My friend has hers 20 minute drive, closest and nicest place where she lives. You do not want to drive more than 30 minutes to get to them... I don't think.... Question: Do their friends take them out for meals, dr appointments, etc? or do you? Or, find a place that may be doable for both you and their friends...?
If they have a strong circle of friends who you know will continue to socialize with them it may be an easier transition for your parents. Moving them closer to you will make it easier for you especially but an hour away isn’t too bad when you know they are cared for and safe.
Near you. " Friends" will not be making the day to day support decisions and, ultimately EOL decisions and, all care related decisions from this point forward: You will. Be sure that all POA documents are in place for you ( if you are designated as such) and, highly suggest that the closer your parents are to you, the better going forward. Needs and your presence will only increase and, removing the distance factor will greatly help you all.
Probably closer to you . My Mom was an hour and a half away - I had to keep running back and forth and staying in hotel rooms - it got exhausting . I moved my brother closer to me once she passed .
Near. I was lucky enough in the beginning to have my dad only 5 miles from me in assisted living. Now that he is in need of memory care, it’s 25 minutes away. Believe me that is a huge difference. Takes up a big part of my day almost every day. I’m trying to cut back to every other day. 🥴 everyone is right about the friends, my dad has out lived all his friends now. Even some of my friends who say they will visit, don’t. And I don’t expect that, they have their own families and lives. I hope you have some helpful siblings.
I'm going to be the dissenting party here. I lived 10 hours away from my dad and chose to keep him in skilled nursing near his friends.
He had spent his entire life in that Metro area and had a vast community of life-long friends (the closest of them conveniently lived less than 5 minutes from the best nursing home in the area) and a very strong spiritual community.
He had visitors almost every day for the 3 years he was in that SNF. I FaceTimed him 2-3 times every day. I kept in close contact with his friends by text (they would let me know after they visited and I would let them know if there was anything medical going on).
I'd been asked if I didn't want to move him closer to me but I am incredibly grateful that I made the choice I did. Had he been here, I would have been his only visitor. As it was, he was able to continue to live surrounded by many people who cared about him, despite him being bedridden. I've never regretted that choice.
I'm going to be the dissenting party here. I lived 10 hours away from my dad and chose to keep him in skilled nursing near his friends.
He had spent his entire life in that Metro area and had a vast community of life-long friends (the closest of them conveniently lived less than 5 minutes from the best nursing home in the area) and a very strong spiritual community.
He had visitors almost every day for the 3 years he was in that SNF. I FaceTimed him 2-3 times every day. I kept in close contact with his friends by text (they would let me know after they visited and I would let them know if there was anything medical going on).
I'd been asked if I didn't want to move him closer to me but I am incredibly grateful that I made the choice I did. Had he been here, I would have been his only visitor. As it was, he was able to continue to live surrounded by many people who cared about him, despite him being bedridden. I've never regretted that choice.
Clearly that was the right choice for you AND your dad, congrats on your clear sightedness! It is rare for a senior to have such strong community ties. Just goes to show every situation has to be evaluated on its own pros & cons.
Near. I honored my mother's wishes to keep her in her hometown, and last fall I had to move back here to help take care of her. I'm not saying necessarily I would do differently, But it took a huge toll trying to manage her care remotely for 7 years and now I just had to move back for her end of life (I hope)--even though she is in a facility, It is very hard to manage the day.to day remotely. Now I live only 5 minutes away and that is the one excellent decision I made. I can go there every day to make sure the facility is on their toes and it makes all the difference for me and her. They will miss their friends-- but most of not all would stop visiting quickly, especially if they are in memory care. You have to put yourself first. And it will be better for her if you're close. You will regret it if you're an hour away. There is always something that needs to be done and if they are a memory care you need to be on top of what's happening there. And out of all my mother's friends even her best friend visited only twice. They quickly lost interest or had their own illness to deal with.
"Memory care" would be the deciding factor for me. My FIL was a very outgoing person with lots of friends (he was always doing favors for everyone). They drop off pretty quickly as dementia takes hold. That, and there's always the possibility of frequent calls from the facility - they aren't going to call the friends in an emergency.
Since you are only an hour away, if you decide to move your parents close to you, perhaps some of their friends would visit on occasion if they are still capable. Another option is perhaps for their birthdays if need be you could offer to pick up and bring a couple of their friends to visit for a small party. Perhaps a friend or two are able to use something like Facetime and you could to help arrange occasional meetings that way. If it were my choice, I would want my loved one closer to me to make everything easier as life progresses. You could then look for ways to help them feel she has not left all her friends behind.
Once she is settled, perhaps you could help her get involved in a local church and hopefully there may be new friends. You could try to assure them you will try to help them settle in your area as well as maintain some ties from their former area. Hopefully in time, when the former friends fade away there will be new ones to fill the void. Most couples adjust ok together where if you wait, the one remaining parent would probably have a much harder adjustment being alone in a new environment.
I am going to give you 2 answers here and they will contradict each other. If mom and or dad need Assisted Living and that is the best for them, for their needs then I would chose a place near their friends and where they have a sloid community around them. While in Assisted Living they can come and go (they need to sign in and out) and they can have visitors as they wish. HOWEVER... If mom and or dad need Memory Care I would chose a place that is more convenient for you. As they decline and the dementia progresses their friends are less likely to come and visit. (They may well "forget" their friends) They will not be able to leave the facility as easily, someone responsible will have to sign them in and out and there is more responsibility and more challenges when it comes to dementia. With a decline in cognition the community that they are aware of will no longer be a factor. The world shrinks to a few people, a few rooms. More than that can bring anxiety and frustration. Now that I have muddied the waters I would probably select a location that has the best care, best facility that they can afford and make the decision based on that. (the other factor that might be important...are they and you happy with their doctors? moving them an hour away would they have to change doctors? )
I agree what Grandma1954 said. After Covid my mom lost all her friends, and she was alone except home assistance. By having them close, you can do the little things for them that will make their day special.
BTW One hour distance is a three hour trip (with a visit).
Near to you. You need to be close in order to see her and oversee her care. An hour is too far, friends won't be caring for her and they may/may not visit. Please be wise about this.
As a senior 87 years old this has been very helpful. One son lives 15 min from me but is out of town working and has been promoted to a new position in another state. This means they will be leaving this area and I will have no family near. My other son lives more than 1000 miles away and is planning to have me move closer to him. The issue now is where can we find a place that will take care of me as I get older and need more care. I live alone now and am usually active and alert. But I know I will need more care as I get older and more feeble. Next problem we have is finances. Assisted living is very expensive and could require every penny of income that I can find. One side of me thinks moving 1000 miles to a new environment, making new friends, seeing and enjoying different country, a new adventure to enrich my life etc. BUT, the other side of me says "I'm too old for this." Time will tell how it all works out.
If they have a lot of friends and they are all active in each others life, have them stay near friends and the area they are familiar with.
If in the future, they are less active (and they will get less active eventually) with others and you find yourself having to make an hr long drive frequently, then at that time move them closer to you (or you move).
Lots of great responses. I checked with my mom's doctor's and they said to try and keep my 86 YO mom near her friends as long as possible. She's is still mobile and driving. Sure it's a bit difficult for me but she raised me and I'll do whatever I can for her even if it's a bit inconvenient for me. Turning out I think to be a wise choice.
Funny/Not funny how friends disappear................please find a facility that is easy for you to visit. A tried and true friend may show up a few times, but you must release your expectations of mom (dad, too) and her friends..........life is always changing. You will benefit from keeping everything simple. Learn to meditate (Mindfulness Meditation) can guide you through the rest of your life and take away needs for calming meditations. Please make an appointment (Zoom is great, too) with an Elder Law Attorney to guide you through the financials. Take care.
(I bet you meant to type 'calming medications', right? ;-} My fingers are often on 'auto-type' as well, so just had to tease a bit. Your comment is spot-on!)
It happened in my family and to others I know.
Think of how to make this easy on yourself, because hereafter you'll be called upon to do many things that you don't want to do. This, at least, might be something you can set up now to help yourself later.
This worked well to do early or late visits, bad weather, her emergencies, and so on.
Friends come and go, get sick themselves, travel, grow too old to be faithful visitors…..
Better “near” for all concerned.
If they are spry and able to still get out and about, and this were more an 'age in place' kind of thing then it would be nice for them to be near friends. But if they are facing some limitations due to the dementia or aging then they should be closer to you.
If they are spry and able to still get out and about, and this were more an 'age in place' kind of thing then it would be nice for them to be near friends. But if they are facing some limitations due to the dementia or aging then they should be closer to you.
Mom had a stroke and we realized how very important it was for one of us to be really close by to get to the hospital if she had a medical emergency.
Somewhere down the road, you are going to need them close by you.
eventually things get tougher , and then you will have to move her again.
One thing to maybe consider is, how is her doctor and health care access where she is? I live about an hour from my mom which creates its own problems, but moving her and switching providers from her good ones to ?? would’ve been trouble.
I did get a geriatric care manager to help step in when I couldn’t, and that has helped a LOT. Caveat I had to get creative with financing this.
Do what’s best for you overall, take care!
Question: Do their friends take them out for meals, dr appointments, etc? or do you?
Or, find a place that may be doable for both you and their friends...?
For me, I had my family, minutes away from home.
" Friends" will not be making the day to day support decisions and, ultimately EOL decisions and, all care related decisions from this point forward: You will. Be sure that all POA documents are in place for you ( if you are designated as such) and, highly suggest that the closer your parents are to you, the better going forward. Needs and your presence will only increase and, removing the distance factor will greatly help you all.
He had spent his entire life in that Metro area and had a vast community of life-long friends (the closest of them conveniently lived less than 5 minutes from the best nursing home in the area) and a very strong spiritual community.
He had visitors almost every day for the 3 years he was in that SNF. I FaceTimed him 2-3 times every day. I kept in close contact with his friends by text (they would let me know after they visited and I would let them know if there was anything medical going on).
I'd been asked if I didn't want to move him closer to me but I am incredibly grateful that I made the choice I did. Had he been here, I would have been his only visitor. As it was, he was able to continue to live surrounded by many people who cared about him, despite him being bedridden. I've never regretted that choice.
He had spent his entire life in that Metro area and had a vast community of life-long friends (the closest of them conveniently lived less than 5 minutes from the best nursing home in the area) and a very strong spiritual community.
He had visitors almost every day for the 3 years he was in that SNF. I FaceTimed him 2-3 times every day. I kept in close contact with his friends by text (they would let me know after they visited and I would let them know if there was anything medical going on).
I'd been asked if I didn't want to move him closer to me but I am incredibly grateful that I made the choice I did. Had he been here, I would have been his only visitor. As it was, he was able to continue to live surrounded by many people who cared about him, despite him being bedridden. I've never regretted that choice.
Once she is settled, perhaps you could help her get involved in a local church and hopefully there may be new friends. You could try to assure them you will try to help them settle in your area as well as maintain some ties from their former area. Hopefully in time, when the former friends fade away there will be new ones to fill the void. Most couples adjust ok together where if you wait, the one remaining parent would probably have a much harder adjustment being alone in a new environment.
If mom and or dad need Assisted Living and that is the best for them, for their needs then I would chose a place near their friends and where they have a sloid community around them. While in Assisted Living they can come and go (they need to sign in and out) and they can have visitors as they wish.
HOWEVER...
If mom and or dad need Memory Care I would chose a place that is more convenient for you.
As they decline and the dementia progresses their friends are less likely to come and visit. (They may well "forget" their friends) They will not be able to leave the facility as easily, someone responsible will have to sign them in and out and there is more responsibility and more challenges when it comes to dementia.
With a decline in cognition the community that they are aware of will no longer be a factor. The world shrinks to a few people, a few rooms. More than that can bring anxiety and frustration.
Now that I have muddied the waters I would probably select a location that has the best care, best facility that they can afford and make the decision based on that.
(the other factor that might be important...are they and you happy with their doctors? moving them an hour away would they have to change doctors? )
BTW One hour distance is a three hour trip (with a visit).
If in the future, they are less active (and they will get less active eventually) with others and you find yourself having to make an hr long drive frequently, then at that time move them closer to you (or you move).