Move them as close to you as possible!! The time demands will feel like you have a part time job, and the demands will increase a need for more hours as time passes. And their friends will more than likely die or become disabled during their time in the home. Your life and visits to them will be much more manageable if they’re close by.
This decision will impact your support system too. This could be your spouse, children (young/teens or adult). You don’t want them resenting, hesitating or refusing to help because it involves a long drive.
Here are some situations you will face to help you decide.
If they are placed near their friends over an hour away, I’m estimating you will spend 2-2.5 hrs round trip + fuel costs for each visit. The extra 30 mins allows for weather or traffic conditions. Insert your own estimates for a home near you.
1. it’s a really bad snow day and they’re expecting you to visit.
Which drive time do you prefer?
2. Mom is sick in the hospital and dad wants to visit her with you. You pick him up and go to hospital. Visit for few hours. You’re tired at the end of the visit … now it’s time to drive dad back to home, then yourself.
Which drive time do you prefer?
2a. Dad can’t visit mom with you because he has a cold. You tell him you’ll visit him after you see mom. Or you’ll visit tomorrow.
Which drive time do you prefer?
3. Mom & Dads friends are dying off. Only one is left and not able to visit mom and dad. You (& significant other or children) are their only visitor. You need to increase your visits from x days a week to x+3.
Which drive time do you, and others prefer?
4. In case you need help (you’re ill) and your husband or friend is more willing to help provide back up by visiting your parents.
Which drive do you think they want?
5. It’s thanksgiving and you’re hosting dinner. You want to bring them to your home for the day. Is that a short drive or an hour to and from their home. Note that most memory care patients don’t like long drives.
Which drive will make it easier for them to spend holidays with you in your home?
6. You’re exhausted most days after working at your job, visiting mom & dad, tending to kids, laundry, dinner , ie, managing your own life. Your significant other or friends complain you never have time, you are always tired.
Which drive will leave you less exhausted, & not make your SO or friendships suffer?
7. One of them is hospitalized and the hospital is near the home. Sane question for a rehabilitation facility… say after a fall.
Will you prefer driving to the hospital/rehab facility near you or the 2hour away home?
8. Their health continues to decline and one of them dies. You’ll probably increase your visits and the duration of each visit with the remaining parent.
No brainer--near you! Friends will fade away, family won't whether they like it or not. We moved my FIL to a facility a few miles from his former home because my husband's sister insisted that it would be cruel to move him away from all his friends and fellow church members. Sister lived in Oklahoma, we lived in Washington State, and FIL lived in AZ. FIL was a deacon in his church for over 25 years, volunteered with several non-profits, and hosted many community events. He and his deceased wife were "pillars" of their community. During the first few months, the church van picked him up at the facility for Sunday services. After a couple of months, FIL's friends stopped visiting. Yet, my husband and I were alternating trips every three weeks from our home in WA to FIL's facility in AZ for four years until he died. Because of that wretched experience, when my husband began showing signs of dementia, I sold our home in CA and moved four miles from our son in AZ. I was not going to let happen to our son and family what happened to us. It was terrible for my FIL and terrible for us to have FIL cared for so far away.
As time passes, having your father close to you will be imperative for both of your sakes. Good luck and lots of hugs.
SP19690: I'm old and you're for sure right about that! It's an individual thing, of course, but IMO many of us are just plain living too long. I totally disagree with "longevity" research aimed at further prolonging what can be very difficult years for old people AND their families.
Madge20: As their friends may be elders themselves, the friends could be frightened to see the person(s) they once knew as their 'well' friends, the friends shun dementia (yes, sad, but true), the answer is never a simple one, but your parents should seek managed care near YOU.
They should be closest to the person who will care for them the most. Period. That could be friends, family, or even a paid caregiver but they need to be near that person.
I believe location and friends should not be a primary determination of where to place a person. I think there are many factors that should be considered ahead of location and friendships:
1) the ability to place your Mom and Dad in the same facility. This does not mean that they are in the same room, but the ability for them to easily have contact with each other. 2) management of the facility (caregivers, accounting, nursing, facility lock up, ability to communicate in the way you want them to, activities, ability to get access to appropriate doctors, etc.) 3) care of the individual 4) cost 5) status of the facility in its community (facilities will typically attract residents of compatible personalities, including their friends) 6) what does the facility do in case of emergency? Where do they take their residents? Do you like the hospital or medical facility that they choose? 7) are the facilities in different states? If so, individual state differences in medicare costs, procedures and licensing
Then after all that, then the location or presence of friends.
If your parents are in a good, safe, location which is well managed and to your specifications, it will need less energy and less emotional turmoil to take care of them. You and they won't mind too much if you miss a weekend or two. However, a facility that requires several calls and followup calls, will take up a lot of your time and make you question whether you made the right decision or not.
Depends. Will their friends visit them often? If so, then find a place near them. If not, then a move near to you will make it easier for your visits/care. Might I suggest looking for someplace in the middle since a 30 minute drive is not going to be difficult for you or friends.
My mother decided to move to AL near us and delegated everything to us from the minute she arrived, even though she still had quite good capabilities then. She gradually lost the will and capacity to do anything for herself. She hated her apartment and the AL building, made no attempt to settle in or make friends, and was dependent on us to arrange if not actually *do* everything for her, yet none of it made her content. With hindsight we wish we had encouraged her to stay in her own home of 54 years, with care visits increasing as she needed them; she had a potential bedroom and shower room downstairs and friends who really did care for her and got on much better with her than we ever could. Her last seven years were very unhappy for all of us, so please do think very carefully about this and talk if you can to your parents about what they will expect from you. I couldn't do that, as the move was very sudden and, as the scapegoat of a narcissistic mother, I didn't have the guts.
This decision will impact your support system too. This could be your spouse, children (young/teens or adult). You don’t want them resenting, hesitating or refusing to help because it involves a long drive.
Here are some situations you will face to help you decide.
If they are placed near their friends over an hour away, I’m estimating you will spend 2-2.5 hrs round trip + fuel costs for each visit. The extra 30 mins allows for weather or traffic conditions.
Insert your own estimates for a home near you.
1. it’s a really bad snow day and they’re expecting you to visit.
Which drive time do you prefer?
2. Mom is sick in the hospital and dad wants to visit her with you. You pick him up and go to hospital. Visit for few hours. You’re tired at the end of the visit … now it’s time to drive dad back to home, then yourself.
Which drive time do you prefer?
2a. Dad can’t visit mom with you because he has a cold. You tell him you’ll visit him after you see mom. Or you’ll visit tomorrow.
Which drive time do you prefer?
3. Mom & Dads friends are dying off. Only one is left and not able to visit mom and dad. You (& significant other or children) are their only visitor. You need to increase your visits from x days a week to x+3.
Which drive time do you, and others prefer?
4. In case you need help (you’re ill) and your husband or friend is more willing to help provide back up by visiting your parents.
Which drive do you think they want?
5. It’s thanksgiving and you’re hosting dinner. You want to bring them to your home for the day. Is that a short drive or an hour to and from their home. Note that most memory care patients don’t like long drives.
Which drive will make it easier for them to spend holidays with you in your home?
6. You’re exhausted most days after working at your job, visiting mom & dad, tending to kids, laundry, dinner , ie, managing your own life. Your significant other or friends complain you never have time, you are always tired.
Which drive will leave you less exhausted, & not make your SO or friendships suffer?
7. One of them is hospitalized and the hospital is near the home. Sane question for a rehabilitation facility… say after a fall.
Will you prefer driving to the hospital/rehab facility near you or the 2hour away home?
8. Their health continues to decline and one of them dies. You’ll probably increase your visits and the duration of each visit with the remaining parent.
Which drive time do you prefer?
As time passes, having your father close to you will be imperative for both of your sakes. Good luck and lots of hugs.
1) the ability to place your Mom and Dad in the same facility. This does not mean that they are in the same room, but the ability for them to easily have contact with each other.
2) management of the facility (caregivers, accounting, nursing, facility lock up, ability to communicate in the way you want them to, activities, ability to get access to appropriate doctors, etc.)
3) care of the individual
4) cost
5) status of the facility in its community (facilities will typically attract residents of compatible personalities, including their friends)
6) what does the facility do in case of emergency? Where do they take their residents? Do you like the hospital or medical facility that they choose?
7) are the facilities in different states? If so, individual state differences in medicare costs, procedures and licensing
Then after all that, then the location or presence of friends.
If your parents are in a good, safe, location which is well managed and to your specifications, it will need less energy and less emotional turmoil to take care of them. You and they won't mind too much if you miss a weekend or two. However, a facility that requires several calls and followup calls, will take up a lot of your time and make you question whether you made the right decision or not.