My Mom assumes I’m going to come take her to radiation when I live 3000 miles away. Any suggestions?

Pdx, how are you all doing?

Assisted living should offer medical transport for ill patients. This high acclaimed center may be able to put a support network together for mom.

https://weillcornell.org/breastcenter?utm_source=google&utm_medium=Yext&y_source=1_MzAzNzU4MTYtNzE1LWxvY2F0aW9uLndlYnNpdGU%3D

The F.O.G is clearing.

Now with fresher eyes you are seeing the wider picture.

- That Mom needs more than you or your brother can provide.
- That many barriers to help are due to Mom's attitude & limitations (agoraphobia, anxieties?)

Sometimes it helps to take the unworkable options OUT of future planning. I see these as being out;

- You moving to NY
- Mom moving to your state, into her own place - lacks independance to do so
- Mom moving to your state, into your place - not workable
- FMLA you - self-emp
- FMLA brother - no $

What's left?

Mom will HAVE to accept help by others. Accept help, transportation & recovery care by others. From *Non-Family people*. No choice.

"No man (or woman) is an island" goes the saying.

OP. Sounds like you are very competent in getting the resources your mom needs. You can do caregiving long distance . I have not , but others on this forum have. The one thing I want to add , is you can give her all the tools but you can’t make your mom use them .
If she does any sabotage of the care , transportation , cleaning service or whatever you have set up for her . Do not run back to NY. That may be her manipulating you to come to NY. Let the chips fall where they may and she may end up back in the hospital or rehab etc. A cognitive test / psych eval wouldn’t hurt either. Maybe you can arrange that to be done at the hospital while she is there . Keep in contact with case manager , social worker at the hospital .

Hi, I know this may not be an answer, but my Mom is a seven year survivor probably because of being treated in NY … moving mom to Florida or Oregon would not be wise. Her best chance is in NY.

Hi everybody OP here.

wow I am so touched by all of the time you spent on helping me figure this out and letting me have a space to vent. It is so appreciated.

I called her cancer center’s Social Worker and was given some information. She is entitled to $500 in rides to and from treatment. It is a plain ole taxi company but the hospital sets it up so it feels more “official” than a Lyft or Uber. Once she runs out of the $500 she can pay out of pocket. But this should get her to and fro for a while.

I need to tell her surgeon that she will need “wound care”. The surgeon if they are cool just needs to write a script and then Medicare will send someone over to deal with that stuff. It the surgeon doesn’t do it SW has a list of private place she can help contact for post surgical care.

I told my Mom both of these things and she grunted.

But! It made me feel a lot better to have the social worker involved. She’s like give us the dates of treatment when it is time and we will set up the rest. Voila!

My Mom called me today going on and on about something, I set a timer for five minutes and then told her I had to hang up.

So much of this experience is about boundaries and being firm.

The cleaning lady is coming for a second time next week. It is attached to my Mom’s credit card so that is taken care of.

I feel like I accomplished a lot today. Baby steps. Thank you again for this support. It means so much to have other folks to lean on during this trying time.

I’ll keep updating when things come up! More venting may follow;)

Pdx, welcome.

Is anyone mom's Power of Attorney for finances and/or Healthcare?

Are you and/or brother on HIPAA forms so that you can both impart and receive information from her healthcare providers?

I agree with a previous poster who said that someone needs to be in touch with her surgeon's office. You need to talk to them, not only about the fact that is economically not feasible for you to be mom's caregiver after her surgery, but also the unsanitary condition of her home. Sending someone with open post-surg wounds into the environment you described is a recipe for disaster.

It sounds as though mom has some significant mental health issues. Getting that out in the open with the surgeon's office will be a gateway to better understanding on their part. Don't beat around the bush. "Mom is has social phobia, is agoraphobic, won't take public transit and can't care for her home".

Mom needs "case management services". Hopefully, her doc's office or surgeon has a contact in the local contract agency that covers mom's zip code in Querns. Could be Catholic Cathities, JASA or any of a number of private organizations. Get in touch with them and be the squeaky wheel.

Get started on those phone calls and let us know what you find out.

AND no, you're not a horrible person.

dont answer phone, if you dont want to be her fulltime caregiver as you were for ten days then stay away. she already disrespects you so now give her a reason to dis you by ignoring her. or you will be moving in w her full time. trust NY has plenty of resources for her, the team treating her has a social worker that will squeeze all her insurance benefits out of her and cate for her, as long as you are not in the picture, the professionals let family dodge for position first before they move in like vultures. yrust your gut and what is healthy for you and your mom. leave it to the professionals, they atebtrained and get psid to be disrespected. you can do it. you have choices. put yourself first. be selfish. it may be what your mom eants you to do to stand up for ypurself. your mom will do the same for her life too.

OP does not want to become her mother's caregiver. Part time, full time, or temporary. And that's perfectly OK.

If she moves mom near her it will mean she will become that and more just based on mothers unwillingness to do anything to help herself.

Thats why I don't understand the point in the mother having all these procedures and treatments. Mom refuses to be an adult and extending her life just extends suffering and stress for OP.

OP needs to make it 100% clear she will not be helping her before, during or after surgery. No weekend visits. Nothing. Then mom can decide to get help from another resource or decline all medical procedures.

Can some temporary arrangement without having her relocate permanently be made for her to have radiation done in Oregon near you? In this day and age where family no longer lives locally this issue must come up pretty often. Some 40 years ago my husband needed twice weekly shots and we made arrangements to have these where convenient for us, we did not go to the original doctor but he remained under his doctor’s care.

Call her doctor and her insurance company to see if there might be options.

I think u mentioned ur self-employed so I don't see how FMLA will work here. I also don't think u get paid, thru FMLA, for the time you take off. That needs to be looked into, if you can get special unemployment.

I think you need to talk to the surgeon and Oncologist and tell them Moms situation. Tell them she has no one to help her after the surgery. You live 3000 miles away and are self-employed. That there will be no one to care for her once she is home. Also, no one to take her back and forth for radiation treatments. Mention her anxiety and agoraphobia. She may go on to Rehab which will give her some healing time. Transportation maybe set up with the surgeons/oncology depts. Medicare may pay for in home care. All this you need to find out before you can make any decisions.

I find there are people who make up things in their heads how they think things should go and when the don't go the way they expected it to go, they lash out. At 73 I know I probably could not expect u to come and care for me so I would need to tell my doctors I have no support system. I am sure your Mom has not done this. She just expects you to jump on a plane and be there. You need to tell her doctors differently.

You can apply for the FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act) to take care of your mother. Your brother with the low-wage job can also. I believe a person can take up to five or six months off. Your job back home would be safe and you'd qualify for special unemployment benefits.
Think about your mother's situation and try to see yourself in it for a minute. If you had breast cancer and were facing chemo, radiation treatments, and a mastectomy would you be able to make a move across country?
Your mother's doctors here. You would not have to be her hands-on caregiver. The will send homecare aides for that.
Between you and you brother and the FMLA getting your mother to her appointments and even staying with her won't be such a problem.
Everyone here knows what kind of mother I have. She had cancer too and needed treatment. I came back and stayed for a while and she did good. My returning was with the understanding that I will not tolerate any of her common abusive behaviors. That there will be no snideness, instigating, gaslighting, or verbal abuse. If there was she knew that pretty much her only other option would have been a nursing home.
Those months were the only time there was ever mutual respect between the two of us. No gaslighting, no verbal abuse, no bullying. My mother was almost nice. She was ill and needed a lot of help but that wasn't a problem.
I find that when a person becomes a family caregiver and has a lot to do they don't really mind. What they do mind and what ruins the caregiver relationship with a LO is the constant complaining, negativity, misery-spreading, sabotage, gaslighting, instigating, villifying, and verbal abuse. When the LO behaves like an entitled ingrate who expects their adult child be a slave to their every demand.
I was a caregiver by profession for 25 years. So I'm going to let you in on a helpful tip that will save you if you decide to care for your mother.
Need and want are two different things. As a caregiver you give a person what they need. Not what they demand. No one needs to abuse another person. No one needs to enslave someone else no matter how sick or needy they are.
Also remember, that you answer to no one. If you caregive you do it your way and on your terms.

She's going to be sick and need a lot of support so I suggest you help her by finding options for either home or residential care for people dealing with cancer, I have no doubt that NY has several. If you do choose to come during her treatment book an airb&b or hotel.

I have said this so many times before. The person who needs the assistance needs to be the one to compromise. Your mother refuses to compromise. Your mother refuses to help herself. Your mother refuses to make things easier for you when you try and help. Don't sacrifice your life because she can't be bothered to help herself. She refused to move closer to either of you (and if she did that would not have been pleasant either).

Make the list on what you can do from the West Coast. Call the doctor and explain the situation, they might have programs to help her. Of course you know she will turn them down because you need to be there. Make it very clear that you can't be there. You are self employed which means if you don't work, you don't eat.

Caring for my father I was willing to do things he couldn't do but refused to help with things he couldn't be bothered to do for himself. Your mother doesn't want to take any responsibility for herself yet somehow thinks you should?

First and foremost - be VERY, VERY careful about encouraging your mom to move to you. If this is a 74 year old woman who has no support system in place after living for a long time (I'm assuming) in the same location without one, what do you think will happen if she moves 3000 miles away into a new place where she knows *ONLY* 1 person - you? This is not a woman who is going to have a sudden epiphany, where the light of the Lord shines in on her while the angels sing and says to herself "hey, there are a lot of things that I CAN do for myself!". If you think she's dependent on you NOW, from 3000 miles away, how do you think she's going to be once she's, say, 3 miles away? And who do you think will bear the brunt of that attitude?

Insofar as her "expectations" - well, many, many parents have unreasonable, unrealistic expectations of their kids. Some expect them to go into certain jobs; some expect them to have lots of kids to give them many grandchildren, some expect them to put their lives on hold once they (the parents) reach an age where they need care. But your mom's expectations don't have to be YOUR problem, unless you AGREE to make them so. If mom had expected you to have half a dozen kids so she could have many grandkids, would you have agreed to that? If you had already made the decision to have no children? Do you see the point I'm trying to get to?

Here's what I suggest you do. First, make a list (for yourself) of things you ARE willing to do. Make it today, then set it aside and ruminate on it overnight. Look at it tomorrow and edit it as you see fit. Remember, once you make the offer of what you're willing to do, it will be hard - given your dynamic with your mom - to rescind the offer. THEN once the list is "finalized" tell mom: "I am not going to move in with you to take care of you. I AM willing to HELP you arrange for rides to your appointments; I am willing to HELP you arrange for an aide to come in to help you; I AM willing to HELP you arrange for a housekeeper; etc.

The other thing I might consider doing, were I in your position, is privately make a few phone calls. Call mom's oncology office and explain her situation. That she has no support system, and that you are 3000 miles away and CANNOT be expected to put your life and livelihood on hold to take care of her. You can also try the American Cancer Association for any practical advice they might be able to give. Your mom lives in Queens NY, not in the middle of NoWhere, USA. There ought to be resources available to her that she - and you - can take advantage of. She's not the only senior who has had to face a cancer diagnosis and the resulting treatment with no children around to take care of her. Don't let ANYONE try to convince you otherwise, either!

Good luck to you!!

Tell her if she doesn't hire someone to help that she should skip the mastectomy, chemo and radiation all together. Honestly based on what you wrote below I don't get why your mother even wants to treat her cancer. She is living a miserable existence. Why prolong it?

This is a difficult situation! So B came and stayed when she had the lumpectomy, also? He's made it clear that he can't come for the surgery and treatments. But neither can you!

Your mother lives a very isolated life, and she can't do anything by herself. She already isn't taking care of her house. Has any housecleaner ever come? You wrote you've arranged for one to come?

She is going to sit passively by and expect someone else (you!) to do all the arranging for transportation to the hospital for surgery (and maybe before for pre-op appts?), transportation home, and then chemo and radiation. Yes, you would have to uproot your life and stay for months. She plans for you to become her caregiver.

You know what needs to happen. She needs to sell her house. But there are the immediate issues of the surgery and post-op and then chemo and radiation.

I take it she makes all of her own decisions and is deemed mentally competent? That is the typical situation where it is advised to wait for the crisis.

What is your therapist getting at when she says what would happen if you do nothing? What DO you think would happen if you just said no? Would she even get the surgery?

Please keep us updated.

PS reading all the replies. Sounds like your Mom wants you because she is dependant on you (despite the distance).

Maybe she is not actually capable of solving some of her daily living problems? Add these new challenges of being ill - beyond her coping skills?

So I'll add.. if SHE can't, then she can't.

Yet this doesn't mean YOU have to.

"... picking something off the floor when she drops it". You meant literally I know. I have a LO like this. Will not do for themselves if family member is within sight. Very dependantly minded. It's a psych thing.

If this is then case, Mom will need to 'own' her situation.
Talk to her medical team. Tell them plain: she lives alone, daughter lives too far, cannot help, she cannot cope. How can they help her?

My LO has gone into care after day surgery. Would need to live in respite care for bigger surgery & chemo. Your Mom may need similar.

Best to tell her the truth. You can't come. So she can plan alternative transport & aftercare.

She may not believe you, may want only you so will keeping pushing you. But if you can't do it, you can't do it.

Decide what you ARE willing to do & offer that. Eg Make phone calls, talk to Doctors, keep track of appointments.

You’re not awful. I agree with MJ, no point in believing that she will change her ways now.

I also think that Lea gave practical advice. Hire someone that can transport her to and from her appointments.

Just read your response to Fawnby. You are caught between a rock and a hard place. I’m so sorry! This has to be weighing so heavily on your shoulders.

If you didn’t care about her in the least, you wouldn’t be posting.

I understand that she hasn’t been an ideal mom which only complicates things further.

Is she in NYC? Tell her to take a taxi and stop being ridiculous.

If she's living elsewhere in New York State, tell her to take an Uber and stop being ridiculous.

Help mom arrange for in home caregivers to be there for her to drive her to her appointments. Call an agency and set it all up using her funds. You can't move, drive 3000 miles OR expect her to suddenly become self sufficient and unafraid, all alone, and facing the ugliness that awaits her along with the side effects. She needs help to get thru the next x amount of time.

No, you are not a horrible person. Your mother is either unreasonable or has some mental deficit.

You aren't a horribne person, but neither can you expect a woman who is unwell and has been dependent her whole life to magically become capable of handling everything herself.

You'll have to make definitive statements like "you'll have to move" or "we're getting you a driving service/home aides," then make it happen. If she refuses, then you say "I'm sorry, but I've done all I can."

Moving your life is off the table, so that's a non-starter and don't even discuss it.

You’ll have to be more firm. Of course you can’t do all she asks! It’s impossible.

Stay strong. We can’t turn our lives over to vampires who suck us dry. You’ve done as much as anyone could do.

Surely there’s a social services agency who could take over.

You already know what to do. You tell M that you won’t be there for the mastectomy, more treatment, or post-operative care. You give her some phone numbers for options, for transport, for post-operative care and for in-home care. And you stick to it.

M probably doesn’t believe you. It is important to be very firm and very clear. No comments like “we’ll see how things go”. You tell B that’s what is going to happen, and give him the lists as well. If M doesn’t get things organised and you get a desperate phone call (from anyone), you say you are unable to come, and it’s an unsafe discharge. Let the Social Worker at the hospital work it out. Give her a copy of the lists you gave to M and B.

You are NOT a horrible person. M is responsible for herself, like so many other older women who have to cope with this.