How can I go about this gently for my mom? How do you relocate a parent with Alzheimer’s that is still holding on to their independence? This is so challenging and sad to see my mom like this. Please advise.
The thing about Alzheimers is The person Can Live another 10 - 20 Years so That is a Big Portion of your Life you are giving up for Your Mom . It is very challenging to Observe and if you dont Have a support system even Harder . It is a slow decline - The Person begins to shuffle when they walk , They become Paranoid and May Hallucinate or hear voices , They will hide things and expect you to find them , The toilet May become messy or they have an accident , Temper tantrum's , manic behavior , Obsessive compulsive behavior . You will have to cook for them and clean constantly . Then the Falls begin and you have to Pick them up or they can't shower and you have to Hire a CNA to shower them. They May have Mini strokes and falls and end up In the ER or Intensive care Unit . You are constantly On call 24/ 7 there are no breaks to catch your breath . No One will really care either . You will feel alone and Isolated . Just preparing you for the reality . I Keep seeing the same Patterns of decline . They won't be able to drive or Make decisions . Basically You have a child so you become the parent . No Love Life , no career , No time for a vacation . You are taking care of a seriously Ill person .
It's sad that your mother is so young (68) to have Alzheimer's disease. It happens to more and more younger people these days.
Does she have an actual diagnosis of it? If not then she needs to get some testing done.
It's understandable that you want to relocate her closer to you if she has dementia. Don't move her in with you though. That should not even be considered if she has Alzheimer's. An AL in your area depending on how advanced her condition is would probably be your best bet.
I did homecare for 25 years and can speak from experience in saying moving a person with Alzheimer's or any dementia into your home is not a good idea. What usually ends up happening if the person doesn't die is the family caregiver who took them in (most of the time the rest of the family does not help with the care) is worn down so badly and exhausted from caregiving that the person ends up getting placed in a care facility anyway.
I think it's better to get a person placed while they still have enough mental faculties left to be able to acclimate to it and even make friends and enjoy the socialization part of it. When a family takes the person into their home then waits until the dementia becomes advanced before placing them, they usually don't acclimate to a new environment. So they spend their days in an endless cycle of begging and demanding to go home. Or calling making hysterical phone calls to their family members over some "emergency" or crisis they fabricate in their own minds.
It would be your best bet to get in touch with her POA and have a serious talk about finding appropriate placement for her now. Or get APS involved because your mother will need a POA or conservator making her decisions.
There is no gentle or easy way to take a person out of their home and place them somewhere else. It's better to just do it. Be prepared for the very hard feelings, resentment, anger, and hysterics from your mother. Most people don't go willingly into care. Have a support system in place for yourself when this behavior starts up because you will need one. Good luck.
She can’t live alone if she has been dx with Alzheimer’s. You don’t have to do this gently. You have to do it though. It doesn’t matter what she thinks about it.
It’s up to you now to make the safe choice for her.
Why do you want her to live with you? How many years would you give care for? What is your exit plan for when it gets bad and she is peeing and pooing all over your furniture and your house?
Who else lives with you currently? What are their thoughts about this?
It's true that unless you are her PoA you won't be able to get a resistant adult to do anything against their will. If you are unable to convince her to assign a PoA, then the only option left is guardianship by you or a 3rd party guardian assigned by a judge (this would have come through APS/social services).
Do you have any contact or relationship with her neighbors or friends? Is there anyone local to her that you can work with to keep tabs on her or be boots on the ground in a more urgent situation? I did this with my MIL's very sweet and willing neighbor and it was so helpful.
An alternative strategy is to invite her to have a vacation at your home, and keep extending it. But then you'll have to deal with her prior residence and if you don't have legal authority to do so and she's against selling it... it's a problem.
It's also true that probably the majority of participants on this forum will warn against romanticizing living with a parent in decline -- especially if you are married and have kids in the home. There are costs to this arrangement: privacy, marital, emotional, mental, physical and financial. Your Mom is very young and so her journey may last a years, with both cognitive and physical decline happening every month. Please go into this with your eyes wide open and if you have a spouse... they need to be fully on board. Just be open to other care solutions.
I wish you success in helping your Mom get the best care possible!
Is there a formal Alz diagnosis? Already a POA? Sorry if already mentioned.
Littleflower, do you need help with how to LEGALLY move your Mother? Either in with you or into a more supervised home ie AL.
Or are you seeking advice regarding the MORAL angle? How to override what Mom wants with what you are seeing she needs?
Many have the desire to care for their parent themselves. They co-habitate. Either move them into their home after a health crises or if the elder is unwilling to relocate, move themself into the elder's home.
Then they set about providing all the care with their best intentions.
But often their expectations do not match the reality. The elder is not thankful. May even be hostile. Does not understand. No matter what is explained, due to dementia brain changes they just CANNOT understand why their daughter or son is there, holding them prisioner.
Dementia can be heartbreaking in many ways for family & caregivers.
If you are not your moms DPOA or medical POA, then you really have NO say in the matter. And your mom is very young at 68, so of course she doesn't want to give up her independence. No one at any age really wants to. I would also say...be careful what you wish for. Moving your mom in with you may sound good on paper, but realistically it can be a living nightmare, especially as her dementia progresses. Whoever is moms POA, should instead be looking into having her placed in an assisted living facility where she will be around other folks her age and that has a memory care unit attached for when the time comes(and it will)that her dementia gets worse. It sounds like you are pretty much a control freak like me, however your moms dementia is one thing you will not be able to control or fix. Best wishes as you take this heartbreaking journey with your mom.
I hope someone has her DPOA.
The very worst thing you can do for both her and you is to have live with you. This is not sustainable.
Read around this site, it is very clear that this proposed option does not work.
Does she have an actual diagnosis of it? If not then she needs to get some testing done.
It's understandable that you want to relocate her closer to you if she has dementia. Don't move her in with you though. That should not even be considered if she has Alzheimer's. An AL in your area depending on how advanced her condition is would probably be your best bet.
I did homecare for 25 years and can speak from experience in saying moving a person with Alzheimer's or any dementia into your home is not a good idea. What usually ends up happening if the person doesn't die is the family caregiver who took them in (most of the time the rest of the family does not help with the care) is worn down so badly and exhausted from caregiving that the person ends up getting placed in a care facility anyway.
I think it's better to get a person placed while they still have enough mental faculties left to be able to acclimate to it and even make friends and enjoy the socialization part of it. When a family takes the person into their home then waits until the dementia becomes advanced before placing them, they usually don't acclimate to a new environment. So they spend their days in an endless cycle of begging and demanding to go home. Or calling making hysterical phone calls to their family members over some "emergency" or crisis they fabricate in their own minds.
It would be your best bet to get in touch with her POA and have a serious talk about finding appropriate placement for her now. Or get APS involved because your mother will need a POA or conservator making her decisions.
There is no gentle or easy way to take a person out of their home and place them somewhere else. It's better to just do it. Be prepared for the very hard feelings, resentment, anger, and hysterics from your mother. Most people don't go willingly into care. Have a support system in place for yourself when this behavior starts up because you will need one. Good luck.
It’s up to you now to make the safe choice for her.
Why do you want her to live with you? How many years would you give care for? What is your exit plan for when it gets bad and she is peeing and pooing all over your furniture and your house?
Who else lives with you currently? What are their thoughts about this?
If mom is stage four, she can’t live alone. It doesn’t matter how young she is.
I also assume mom has been formally diagnosed
When someone we love is in need, it's a natural caring instinct to want to wrap them up & bring them home ❤️
Keep your loving heart but also keep your head. Less red hat & more white hat before you decide the best pathway forward.
(Red Hat: feelings, reactions, vibes.
White Hat: data, facts, information
Blue Hat: manages)
Do you have any contact or relationship with her neighbors or friends? Is there anyone local to her that you can work with to keep tabs on her or be boots on the ground in a more urgent situation? I did this with my MIL's very sweet and willing neighbor and it was so helpful.
An alternative strategy is to invite her to have a vacation at your home, and keep extending it. But then you'll have to deal with her prior residence and if you don't have legal authority to do so and she's against selling it... it's a problem.
It's also true that probably the majority of participants on this forum will warn against romanticizing living with a parent in decline -- especially if you are married and have kids in the home. There are costs to this arrangement: privacy, marital, emotional, mental, physical and financial. Your Mom is very young and so her journey may last a years, with both cognitive and physical decline happening every month. Please go into this with your eyes wide open and if you have a spouse... they need to be fully on board. Just be open to other care solutions.
I wish you success in helping your Mom get the best care possible!
Littleflower, do you need help with how to LEGALLY move your Mother? Either in with you or into a more supervised home ie AL.
Or are you seeking advice regarding the MORAL angle? How to override what Mom wants with what you are seeing she needs?
Many have the desire to care for their parent themselves. They co-habitate. Either move them into their home after a health crises or if the elder is unwilling to relocate, move themself into the elder's home.
Then they set about providing all the care with their best intentions.
But often their expectations do not match the reality. The elder is not thankful. May even be hostile. Does not understand. No matter what is explained, due to dementia brain changes they just CANNOT understand why their daughter or son is there, holding them prisioner.
Dementia can be heartbreaking in many ways for family & caregivers.
Please consider the options most carefully.
You’ll get the same result a lot sooner!
And your mom is very young at 68, so of course she doesn't want to give up her independence. No one at any age really wants to.
I would also say...be careful what you wish for. Moving your mom in with you may sound good on paper, but realistically it can be a living nightmare, especially as her dementia progresses.
Whoever is moms POA, should instead be looking into having her placed in an assisted living facility where she will be around other folks her age and that has a memory care unit attached for when the time comes(and it will)that her dementia gets worse.
It sounds like you are pretty much a control freak like me, however your moms dementia is one thing you will not be able to control or fix.
Best wishes as you take this heartbreaking journey with your mom.
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