My mom has been in memory care since April and has dementia. She has no appetite and is very depressed. She seems very lonely. Suggestions?

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My mom has been in memory care since April and has dementia. She has no appetite and is very depressed. She seems very lonely. Suggestions?

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I live in another state and visit monthly and talk to her daily on an Echo Show (like FaceTiming). My brother and his family live near her facility but don’t visit (not vaccinated). My brother goes once a week for about 45 minutes. I’m so upset that no one locally is visiting her. She lays in bed all day, dozes and watches TV. Never leaves her room. She’s lonely and I’m heartbroken for her. She has lost so much weight that she doesn’t even look like herself. Is there anything that can be done to cheer her up? She’s lost her will to live and is so sad. She is on antidepressants. I’m struggling with this, even though there was no alternative at the time. She doesn’t want to live where I am. My brother’s family has never been attentive to her. I never wanted her to leave this life so miserable. She’s always been my best friend and I feel like we’ve betrayed her. I know my brother and I thought we were making the right decision for her to have the care she needs. We couldn’t afford in home care. She told me today she was contemplating her future and she knows she has no choices. Broke my heart.

Depression Loneliness Relationships

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She needs to leave her room and engage with the community at the MC. No one can make her happy if she is unwilling to be.

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I'd arrange for a phone call with the Activity Director at the Memory Care.

At the MC where my Mom is, residents are very much encouraged to come out of their rooms.

My Mom denies participating in activities, but I have photographic evidence from the Activity Director that proves otherwise.

Also, sometimes, the ADs will provide one-on-one activities for those who don't like to participate in groups.

Maybe see what the AD has to say about your Mom's actual day-to-day participation.

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I get the same type of BS from my mother in MC; that she's all alone like a dawg etc, then get proof that she's happy as a clam and mingling with the others in the activity room every. single. day. She saves her sad voice and face for ME! The AD also does one-on-one activities daily with the residents at this MC.

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I’d speak with the staff at MC and ask how they can get mom out of her room and more engaged. Accept your brother’s choices in this, it’s doing no good to be upset over it. And consider revisiting her meds to see if something can be tweaked to make her more positive. And know that nothing may change, she’s sad over the changes life has naturally brought, and whatever happy looks like for her may be over. I wish you both peace

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I am also long distance from my mom, who is in a care home. One of the roles I play is being her social coordinator. She hasn’t ever wanted a lot of social interaction, but I know she enjoys and appreciates occasional visits. Over the past several months, I’ve dug up a surprising number of friends and family who want to see her. It has involved calling people whom I’ve never spoken to and contacting people whom I have ghosted, surprises about who wants to travel miles to see her, surprises about who is local but won’t go, and even surprises about whom she doesn’t want to see. It is time consuming and can be exhausting, but it is one of the things I can do for her from afar.

Often people are more inclined to visit her when I will be there. This is tricky to navigate, as I think it is distressing for her to have too many visitors. But it can set the stage for them visiting on their own, between your own visits. So I do let people know when I plan to go.

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At my mother's Memory Care, the residents are not allowed to stay in bed all day unless they're on hospice. I signed up for this; I knew in advance what their rules were pertaining to allowing residents to languish alone in their rooms all day and become consumed with self pity. I CHOSE to place her there, even if it went against her 'rights' to sequester herself in her room/bed all day. I am saying this to ward off the comments from people insisting it's 'against the law' and whatever to do 'such a horrible thing' to residents of MC. It's not. In fact, it's the right thing to do if you don't want your parents to do what your mother is doing and waste away to nothing staying in bed all day. These elders have dementia and NEED to be socializing with others and doing activities. It's WHY we have them in MC to begin with.

Speak to the Activities Director, like cxmoody said. If they won't get mom up and about every day, look for another MC that will. Like the place my mother lives in where they're not allowed to eat in their rooms and MUST come out to the dining room to eat (unless they're on hospice.)

Expecting your brother to visit mom for more than 45 minutes is too much to expect. Visits with demented elders is very difficult; there's nothing to talk about, no real conversations can take place, it's just a mess in general. Who lives locally who should be visiting your mom, in your opinion? Many people find it too difficult to visit elders in Memory Care; that's just the way it goes, unfortunately. Some elders get no visitors at all in my mom's place. My husband and I go weekly or twice weekly, but we never stay for more than 45 or 50 minutes either. That's plenty of time and she winds up wanting us to leave by then, to be honest. None of the nieces and nephews visit her, between Covid and just the stress of seeing her in such a state makes them stay away.

It is what it is.

Encourage her to get out of her room and to live life every day. Ask the AD to get involved. You calling her IS like a visit, so bear that in mind. And remember that nobody wins with dementia; not the elder OR the family. We all suffer the ravages of the hateful condition. So stop blaming yourself or thinking you 'betrayed' your mother. You made the best possible decision under bad circumstances.

Wishing you the best of luck moving forward

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Just a quick thought, she could be afraid to leave and miss your daily call. This has been known to be an issue for other posters.

Maybe call 1st thing to wake her up and encourage her to get up, dressed and active.

The facility should not be allowing her to languish in her room. Give them permission to get her up and going.

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If your brother's family has always been inattentive, they're not going to start now, especially with their unvaccinated status.

However, if the problem is basically that she is not socializing enough, there are avenues to explore. It's Christmastime. Does she have a favorite aide or group of aides, then nice one-time tips for Christmas can go aways.

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My MILs life seems very boring and lonely to me too. But they make their own decisions. She's in a nursing home and rarely leaves her room, except for PT.

I don't think you can cheer your mom up. I agree with other ideas of asking staff to get her involved in things and out of her room.

Since she is bad enough to need MC, it's not terribly surprising that she is declining. She needs this level of care - you did NOT betray her. You did what was best for her, even if she might not love it, etc.

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My mom was in assisted living now in memory care. She’s in only in your when I visit. She’s a fall risk so can’t be left alone. She probably got more stimulation than if I kept her home with an aid all day. Talk to the director Have them get her involved in things Does she have advanced alzeimers. How are the other residents there. Anyone she can become friends with

it’s heartbreaking and sad I know. I have constant guilt. My mom is at the end now. Thinking of you during this journey.

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My mom has been in memory care since April and has dementia. She has no appetite and is very depressed. She seems very lonely. Suggestions?

9 Answers

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