When I tell my mom I will not loan her money she gets very mad. She threatens to end her life and my father committed suicide a few years ago. This is emotional blackmail. She does this to control me and will not take no for an answer. I don't know what to do anymore. Please help.
Your mom is mentally ill. That's NOT YOUR FAULT.
Don't lend her money.
If you become impoverished, who is going to support you?
Resist the manipulation. Read up on "Fear, Obligation and Guilt" (known as FOG). Read the book called "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud about how to set those important boundaries around your life and that of your relationship. Find yourself a therapist who can help you past the clear guilt you feel about your father's death--the way your mother is "playing" your guilt about that it truly despicable. It goes "you love him so much because he killed himself, I'll do that too". Your "mom" is one sick puppy, my dear.
Jenn, you may need to walk away from these toxic individuals in order to have some peace and that would be okay. Curing your mom is NOT YOUR JOB.
Peace!
True, an addict will drag a person down in their spiraling disaster! I had to walk away from my brother who was an addict. To protect yourself sometimes a person has to walk away.
Oh it hurts, because we want to help. Some can be helped but those who can’t will end up taking others down, far down a path of anxiety and depression. I learned the hard way and became severely depressed before I went to therapy and got the encouragement to distance myself from the mayhem.
2. If she threatens suicide call 911. (Had an exBF threaten suicide to me - I called 911 and when they arrived he said that he was just kidding... they had him evaluated and he was fine needless to say we broke up and as far as I know - through a mutual friend - he lives in another state and has never done that again)
3. Walk - run - away!
Your mother knows that your dad killed himself and she is using it to guilt and manipulate you...that my friend is the worst kind of "emotional blackmail." To use your dad's death to get what she wants...are you kidding me...that is wrong on so many levels! You deserve so much better.
Just my 2 cents!
Listen carefully to what you just said:
"I lost my dad and I just don't want to make a stupid mistake."
You lost your Dad. You don't want to take a wrong step that leads to your losing your mother. Because if you did take that wrong step, and she were to kill herself, that would be your fault. Yes?
Implicit in that thought process is that your father's taking his own life was in some way your fault. That if you had done something differently, or said something, or intervened, it would not have happened.
Your father, not to speak ill of the dead, was a sick man. The havoc he wrought on the people who loved him, or tried to love him, is plain to see.
You Did Not Do It.
Have you taken this issue to a therapist for yourself?
Once again CM is right! You did not cause, nor could you have prevented your dad's death, that was his choice.
You need to see a professional to heal & for you let go of those wrong feelings. It was not your fault. I repeat it was not your fault!
As others have said, you should seek treatment for yourself to make yourself as mentally and emotionally strong as you can. You deserve happiness.
You can't make your mother and brother get help and solve their problems. They have to fall to the point where they realize they need help, and you CANNOT be their landing pad. They have to realize this on their own. Don't hesitate to protect yourself and stop all communication. Perhaps in time they can come to their realization they need help. If you can't avoid them because you're all nearby in the community, strictly limit your contact with them. Take care of any business then walk away.
A big hug to you, Jenn. I wish you all happiness.
So the problem in fact is that your mother thinks you should help your brother. You can see perfectly well that the loan is not to her, but to him. She has already committed herself to helping him, you never agreed to it; moreover you correctly believe that money is not going to solve his difficulties.
She has made a foolish decision. That is no reason for you to follow it. You are correct.
Have you considered severing all contact with them? Would you be able to do that?
She had no right to ask you to use 'your inheritance' on your brother. He got his and he made a choice to blow it that is on him. People like your mom and brother will suck the life out of you if you let them.
As far as your partner goes all you have to tell him for now is that you are not close to your mom and brother. If this is a new relationship than keep it short and simple about your mom and brother for right now.
CM is right " She has made a foolish decision. That is no reason for you to follow."
Sometimes in life we can not save the people we love because "you cannot save someone who doesn't want to be save," all you can do is save yourself.
Your dad left you that money for you, not for you to give it to your brother or your mom. If he wanted them to have it he would have left it to them.
Hugs!!
It is a hateful, sick, manipulative thing to say and 1000x worse in your situation. I get you love your mom, but she doesn't love you. She may say she does and you probably desire her to, you probably think I am nuts for even saying it. But in no way, shape or form does love ever pull the evil, hateful, self serving bs that the female that gave birth to you does to you. It is ALL about her, even the things she does for your brother is about her. I know, I was raised by a female that did and does play those twisted games.
I learned 40+ years ago that she is dangerous to me. Even when she is being "nice" it's because she has something in mind and is trying to get around my boundaries. The last time she told me she would kill herself was roughly 6 years ago and I had been helping her for 6 weeks trying to clean her pig sty so her husband could come home after having part of his colon removed. I was in desperate need of a break and I told her I was going to target, 3 minutes away to grab a cleaning product, she started screaming that she would kill herself if she didn't get to go. What?!?! Do it already, I am done listening to the bs. Then I walked out. I knew she was only trying to manipulate me, but honestly, I would not have been responsible had she killed herself in the throws of her temper tantrum. This is something I grew up under, if she didn't get her way, she made everyone as miserable as she could. So it was easier to let her have her own way than to live in hell until her next sick game.
The things you describe reminds me soooooo much of my mom, it's frightening to know there are many out there with these selfish personalities.
I walked away, actually moved 400 miles away to get away from the psychosis my family thrives in, it was scary and it was hard, but so very worth not being around the crazy hatefulness. I have a great life, I married a wonderful man and had a fulfilling career. I was and am in complete control of the relationship with my parents. I wish that I had a mom that could be an actual mom and love me, but I don't and I never will. She likes herself just fine as she is, so she will never change and if she could it wouldn't be because I stayed around to be her scratching post, it would be because she saw that she has no love in her for anyone near her. Your mom is the same. My mom gambles every penny she gets her hands on, I can tell by her hello if she has won or lost at the casino. She has always gambled and denies it, no helping that situation, but I don't need to contribute to it in any way. Neither do you.
Are they really worth your piece of mind and wellbeing? You could walk away and never look back and have nothing to feel guilty about. Self preservation is actually a very natural, healthy, acceptable trait, we have it for a reason.
That was a very long way of saying that no matter what you do, she will never be the mom you desire, nothing you do or say or don't do or say makes you responsible if she follows through on her threats to kill herself. You are a valuable human being in yourself and you do not need her or your brother to validate that. She has shown you her true colors and what she thinks of you by her words and actions, believe her. As hard as it will be, run away from this hateful thing. You deserve better and it is in your power to start getting it. She has made her choices and she will need to live with the consequences. You are not responsible for her or your brother, in any way, shape or form, stop owning their bs.
Hugs, you can do this!