When I tell my mom I will not loan her money she gets very mad. She threatens to end her life and my father committed suicide a few years ago. This is emotional blackmail. She does this to control me and will not take no for an answer. I don't know what to do anymore. Please help.
Your mom is mentally ill. That's NOT YOUR FAULT.
Don't lend her money.
If you become impoverished, who is going to support you?
Your mother knows that your dad killed himself and she is using it to guilt and manipulate you...that my friend is the worst kind of "emotional blackmail." To use your dad's death to get what she wants...are you kidding me...that is wrong on so many levels! You deserve so much better.
Just my 2 cents!
Have you lent/given her money in the past?
When you say she is a compulsive gambler - in what sort of way does she gamble? Online? Visits casinos? Are we literally talking about classic gambling? There are support organisations for addicts and their families if this is what you mean.
I'm very sorry to hear that your father took his own life. This is such a big issue in its own right. How did you and your mother deal with that when it happened? Are there other family members also involved?
Then you say that your mother has your own business; which could be anything from a nominal company that's losing money but that she uses as an excuse for not getting a job, to a successful enterprise that pays a decent salary and she has run for many years. Could you narrow it down for us a bit?
When we look at the blackmail threat, it comes down to this: "pay me, or your mother will die and it will be all your fault." And the blackmailer has resources of her own, and the threat is a very cruel one. Don't you feel mad right back at her?
So the problem in fact is that your mother thinks you should help your brother. You can see perfectly well that the loan is not to her, but to him. She has already committed herself to helping him, you never agreed to it; moreover you correctly believe that money is not going to solve his difficulties.
She has made a foolish decision. That is no reason for you to follow it. You are correct.
Have you considered severing all contact with them? Would you be able to do that?
But that doesn't mean he would, especially if there are very good reasons not to *which serve the interests of his patient.* Protecting his patient's relationship with her daughter would be in her best interests, and one very good reason for discretion.
But quite honestly, she's likely to guess whether or not the doctor blabs, isn't she. She's not stupid. And there must be a limited number of sources for the information to have come from.
So the important question is: what are you afraid of? That she won't speak to you? That's a risk, perhaps, not a certainty; but in either case how would it be a worse problem for you than the one you already have?
You know what, you are actually already getting this right. You have a healthy relationship which is good for you, and that is your priority. Do you also have a job you like?
The relationship with your family sounds shark-infested. So you don't go into it without a safety cage around you. And that is what you're aiming to do, pretty much, isn't it?
Listen carefully to what you just said:
"I lost my dad and I just don't want to make a stupid mistake."
You lost your Dad. You don't want to take a wrong step that leads to your losing your mother. Because if you did take that wrong step, and she were to kill herself, that would be your fault. Yes?
Implicit in that thought process is that your father's taking his own life was in some way your fault. That if you had done something differently, or said something, or intervened, it would not have happened.
Your father, not to speak ill of the dead, was a sick man. The havoc he wrought on the people who loved him, or tried to love him, is plain to see.
You Did Not Do It.
Have you taken this issue to a therapist for yourself?
Once again CM is right! You did not cause, nor could you have prevented your dad's death, that was his choice.
You need to see a professional to heal & for you let go of those wrong feelings. It was not your fault. I repeat it was not your fault!
She had no right to ask you to use 'your inheritance' on your brother. He got his and he made a choice to blow it that is on him. People like your mom and brother will suck the life out of you if you let them.
As far as your partner goes all you have to tell him for now is that you are not close to your mom and brother. If this is a new relationship than keep it short and simple about your mom and brother for right now.
CM is right " She has made a foolish decision. That is no reason for you to follow."
Sometimes in life we can not save the people we love because "you cannot save someone who doesn't want to be save," all you can do is save yourself.
Your dad left you that money for you, not for you to give it to your brother or your mom. If he wanted them to have it he would have left it to them.
Hugs!!
Keep money away from your relationships with your mom/brother. Your mom has the means to help your brother if she chooses.
Urge them hem to get help with their addictions. Talk to their doctors because you love them.
Watch “Every Brilliant Thing” on HBO. It is a wonderful, and somehow uplifting, short film about living with a suicidal parent.
Resist the manipulation. Read up on "Fear, Obligation and Guilt" (known as FOG). Read the book called "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud about how to set those important boundaries around your life and that of your relationship. Find yourself a therapist who can help you past the clear guilt you feel about your father's death--the way your mother is "playing" your guilt about that it truly despicable. It goes "you love him so much because he killed himself, I'll do that too". Your "mom" is one sick puppy, my dear.
Jenn, you may need to walk away from these toxic individuals in order to have some peace and that would be okay. Curing your mom is NOT YOUR JOB.
Peace!
True, an addict will drag a person down in their spiraling disaster! I had to walk away from my brother who was an addict. To protect yourself sometimes a person has to walk away.
Oh it hurts, because we want to help. Some can be helped but those who can’t will end up taking others down, far down a path of anxiety and depression. I learned the hard way and became severely depressed before I went to therapy and got the encouragement to distance myself from the mayhem.
As others have said, you should seek treatment for yourself to make yourself as mentally and emotionally strong as you can. You deserve happiness.
You can't make your mother and brother get help and solve their problems. They have to fall to the point where they realize they need help, and you CANNOT be their landing pad. They have to realize this on their own. Don't hesitate to protect yourself and stop all communication. Perhaps in time they can come to their realization they need help. If you can't avoid them because you're all nearby in the community, strictly limit your contact with them. Take care of any business then walk away.
A big hug to you, Jenn. I wish you all happiness.
It is a hateful, sick, manipulative thing to say and 1000x worse in your situation. I get you love your mom, but she doesn't love you. She may say she does and you probably desire her to, you probably think I am nuts for even saying it. But in no way, shape or form does love ever pull the evil, hateful, self serving bs that the female that gave birth to you does to you. It is ALL about her, even the things she does for your brother is about her. I know, I was raised by a female that did and does play those twisted games.
I learned 40+ years ago that she is dangerous to me. Even when she is being "nice" it's because she has something in mind and is trying to get around my boundaries. The last time she told me she would kill herself was roughly 6 years ago and I had been helping her for 6 weeks trying to clean her pig sty so her husband could come home after having part of his colon removed. I was in desperate need of a break and I told her I was going to target, 3 minutes away to grab a cleaning product, she started screaming that she would kill herself if she didn't get to go. What?!?! Do it already, I am done listening to the bs. Then I walked out. I knew she was only trying to manipulate me, but honestly, I would not have been responsible had she killed herself in the throws of her temper tantrum. This is something I grew up under, if she didn't get her way, she made everyone as miserable as she could. So it was easier to let her have her own way than to live in hell until her next sick game.
The things you describe reminds me soooooo much of my mom, it's frightening to know there are many out there with these selfish personalities.
I walked away, actually moved 400 miles away to get away from the psychosis my family thrives in, it was scary and it was hard, but so very worth not being around the crazy hatefulness. I have a great life, I married a wonderful man and had a fulfilling career. I was and am in complete control of the relationship with my parents. I wish that I had a mom that could be an actual mom and love me, but I don't and I never will. She likes herself just fine as she is, so she will never change and if she could it wouldn't be because I stayed around to be her scratching post, it would be because she saw that she has no love in her for anyone near her. Your mom is the same. My mom gambles every penny she gets her hands on, I can tell by her hello if she has won or lost at the casino. She has always gambled and denies it, no helping that situation, but I don't need to contribute to it in any way. Neither do you.
Are they really worth your piece of mind and wellbeing? You could walk away and never look back and have nothing to feel guilty about. Self preservation is actually a very natural, healthy, acceptable trait, we have it for a reason.
That was a very long way of saying that no matter what you do, she will never be the mom you desire, nothing you do or say or don't do or say makes you responsible if she follows through on her threats to kill herself. You are a valuable human being in yourself and you do not need her or your brother to validate that. She has shown you her true colors and what she thinks of you by her words and actions, believe her. As hard as it will be, run away from this hateful thing. You deserve better and it is in your power to start getting it. She has made her choices and she will need to live with the consequences. You are not responsible for her or your brother, in any way, shape or form, stop owning their bs.
Hugs, you can do this!
You had no part in what your dad did. Whatever his personal demon was it was not you or anything you did or didn't do.
Forgive him and mourn what could have been and find a way to move past what he did.
Take care of you.
I would find a good therapist to work through your emotions regarding your family. You have every right to say no and tell your mom to p*** off. Don't be afraid to block their calls and if they show up on your doorstep, tell them to leaves. If they don't leave, call the police to get them off your property. I think your mother isn't going to commit suicide, she is using it to get money. That is all you are, is an ATM and someone else to abuse.
My pain is worse and more inescapable than the pain I know I will be inflicting on the people who love me. Including my two children.
Yeah, I'd call that selfish, actually. What else is it?
2. If she threatens suicide call 911. (Had an exBF threaten suicide to me - I called 911 and when they arrived he said that he was just kidding... they had him evaluated and he was fine needless to say we broke up and as far as I know - through a mutual friend - he lives in another state and has never done that again)
3. Walk - run - away!
Jenn, what I see here is you just needing conformation that you are doing is the right thing. You are right. Years ago it was called tough love. Both Mom and brother need the kind of help you can't give. They have addictions for a reason. Mental makeup, childhood problems...looks like you missed that boat, thankfully. The only way they will ever try to get help is when they hit bottom. Mom will lose everything. Even when that happens, don't give her money. Find resources for her but don't give her money directly. If she needs food, there are food closets and stamps. Or buy it for her. Your money will just go down a hole with no bottom.
If I was in ur situation, I would back off. Phone calls can be blocked so can emails.
Gam-Anon offers help for family and friends. You might also want to find a gambling addiction support group online.
Your instinct is right to say a firm no to requests for financial help and so are you desires to help, there is no reason you can't do both and maintain enough distance to continue letting the good new things in your life continue to develop. I think you are honoring your dad by doing that and not using the money he left you to help your brother hurt himself. Keep following your instincts, they sound good to me.
It is not your fault that your father took his life. Should your mother actually decide to do the same, which would be awful, it would also NOT BE your fault. How heinous is it for a mother to threaten their child with this? This is horrendous behavior. Do not accept it.
Anyone can take no for an answer. Stop allowing your mother to hold you hostage. This is not in any way a loving, supportive relationship.
I know that's it's easy to say this, and very difficult to do.
If your mother needed money for actual real things, such as food, then of course you would give it to her. But if she chooses to use her money for gambling, then that is not something you can be a party to.
Have you seen the tv show Intervention? If not go watch it. This will give you an idea of what you need to do.
And yes, you can say no to her.
Right now Mom, I need to pay for my living expenses and bills, soI don't have cash to lend you, but I will be more than willing to get you a bag of groceries for the week.
Maybe some weekend, we can hit the Farmers Market, see all the fresh produce, and have a nice lunch today.
I understand the local botanical gardens are just blooming away this time of year. We should check it out, take a walk, and listen to some discussions on how to transfer bulbs, when to cut back that rose bush, what plants best attracts beautiful butterflies and hummingbirds.
What plants are the best to grow in our area. She may just need more time with loved ones.
What type of business does she own? And is she happy doing that? If not, maybe she can get a job at a store, home depot, etc.
She is a grown woman, she doesn't have to justify anything to her family.
It is so hard to go down that road, and actually think THAT IS THE ONLY WAY OUT. So many famous people recently too. Do these famous people make it look more acceptable being in the public eye? "If he can do it, and he is famous, rich, talented, well, so can I, and he had everything?"
People should not use suicide to bend people to their wishes wills or wants.
Try to get them another purpose for being around. If Mom's business is that slow that she has time to gamble after work,, during work, weekends, then she needs another actual job or purpose in life. If you are close enough go for weekly walks, take Tai Chi, Chess, or adult classes and paint, pottery,, or photography.
She has bipolar disorder and was in a very dark place and miraculously she survived as well. They switched her meds. Hope it helps her. So sad.
I pray for her all the time. I call her just to check in and let her know that I care.
She has a lot on her plate. She has two special needs children, went through a very ugly divorce, has lupus, doesn’t have a supportive mother. Her father died a few months ago. Her daughter is pregnant and she is trying to be supportive.
She has a ton of issues weighing her down. Some people don’t see any other way out. She was institutionalized by her psychiatrist and seems to be trying to work through everything. It’s tough.
The answer to the question is NO, the mother doesn't think she has any problem with addiction or compulsive behavior.
I'm going to kill myself - you don't care. [my mom used this one all of the time] "i do care, and if you choose to kill yourself - that is your choice. You will miss time with your grandson and he will know you chose to kill yourself because you were in a snit for not getting your way. I will not feel guilty"
I'll be evicted. "There are lots of elder options - call local area agency on aging"
I went through alot of @#$# before my mom stopped thinking my money was hers to tap.
I would not give her money for anything. No cash! When my brother (drug addict)needed money for something I offered to by what he needed, fill his scripts, bring groceries over, take him out to lunch, etc. but I never put cash in his hand.
Do you know if she is a he is a thrill seeker (adrenaline junkie) or does she use gambling to escape (numb the pain)? Maybe if you had these answers you could help her find solutions. Has she done therapy? A good therapist could help uncover the underlying issues.
I want to offer my deepest support to you. I had an older brother that I lost to a heroin addiction. I feel your pain firsthand. People have to experience this firsthand to truly understand it.
As I am sure that you know, addiction is a complex issue that truly needs professional help and sometimes that doesn’t even work.
Their problem is bigger than they are. We cannot change anyone. They must change themselves. I was fooling myself by thinking I could help my brother. I couldn’t. I wanted to walk away sooner than I did but my mom was putting pressure on me to help him. I had to put my foot down with my mom and my brother.
I did go to the ‘end of life’ hospice facility where he died. I took my mom to see her son that she dearly loved. She deserved to tell him goodbye. He was her first born child. I loved my brother as a brother but I hated the addiction. Same with mom. She hated the addiction but loved her son.
I completely forgave him. I made his cremation and burial arrangements in our family plot, along with a graveside service. It was hard. I had never envisioned doing that. I guess it was better than finding him dead of an overdose. I feared that constantly. Looking back, I think I was in shock and was on autopilot.
I prayed and asked God to soften my heart and give me understanding and he did. I honestly had doubts if I could forgive him for causing so much pain in my life since I was 6 years old. I saw him overdose as a young child. It was terribly confusing and at that time there were no support groups.
I have no anger. I have enormous compassion for those who struggle with addiction and suicidal thoughts.
There comes a point even though I understand so much better about addiction since going to a therapist that also specializes in addictive behavior. It’s a disease! Some will judge and that hurts to hear.
Regardless of it being a disease though, they must choose to get help or it will destroy them. Ideally, she should do in-house rehab. There is help and hope for those who commit to getting treatment. I begged my brother to do rehab. He would stop doing drugs periodically but could never kick it totally. He would slip back into the insanity. There is nothing rational about addiction. It’s horrendous. It takes a strong commitment to change.
I sincerely hope with all my heart your mom will seek treatment for herself first. If she does it for others without her heart in it, it simply doesn’t work. The decision has to be for her. Others will benefit from that choice and that’s wonderful.
I can tell you that that no one wants to be an addict. No one wakes up in the morning and says that they want to live a life of misery. Just doesn’t work that way.
My brother was 13 and his best friend talked him into it. He was clueless, just a kid who gave into peer pressure. There was no drug prevention education then. Even with education some give into the temptation.
I am going to say a special prayer for you and your mom. My heart aches for you and your mom.
I can tell you that I couldn’t remain in a relationship that became so toxic. I had to free myself. Did I worry about my brother? Of course I did. Did I help anything by remaining in the chaos? Nope, not at all, except to drive myself to the point of needing therapy.
I needed a professional on the outside to show me what I had been doing. We become blinded by it. I didn’t see how bad it was until I stepped away. Please step away. Don’t let her drag you down.
You are certainly welcome to private message me anytime. Sorry that I can’t help. No one has that kind of power. But I will be happy to listen if you need to talk. Take care. Hugs!