My mom is a compulsive gambler who owns her own business. She is very abusive verbally and constantly asking me for money. What do I do?

NeedHelpWithMom made a comment that reminded if you could notify the casinos of your mother's addiction. I know in my area the casinos will bar people with gambling addiction. The casinos may also have gambling addiction counselors -- or some type of support -- who may advise you.

That shock of being cut off from her gambling might be a way to get her into counseling.

She's not going to kill herself if you say no. She will take no for an answer if that's the only answer you give her. It sounds like she's been doing ok with having her own business but is letting things go because of gambling. I use to have a drug problem and someone told me if I wanted to quit using drugs just start gambling. I thought they had lost it but that first time you win even fairly big it's like a big hit on the crack pipe. Pretty soon all my money was going to gambling. I couldn't afford drugs anymore and it didn't take long until I lost my job. For me gambling was harder to quit than heroin. You're mom is jonesing for her next fix and like any other addict she will do what she can to get it. Addicts almost always extort money from family members. Pretty soon you're going to have to hide your purse and valuables when she comes over. Addicts usually always steal from family members too because they are less likely to call the police. You're mom has the same compulsions as any back Ally crack smoker. It affects the same area of the brain that drugs do and is just as hard to quit if not harder because it's legal and widely accepted as ok. If you don't day no it won't stop it will only get worse. She's more likely to kill herself after a big loss from the money you give her than doing it because you didn't give her money . If you know some friends and family that will help I'd say it's time for an intervention.

Evermore,

I am sorry that you are dealing with suicidal thoughts. No one wants to feel suicidal. There are some who will wrongly manipulate with threats of suicide but they don’t go through with it. Not the same thing. They are emotionally blackmailing others, which is an awful thing to do. Those with true suicidal thoughts aren’t trying to hurt others. Of course, it’s painful for the survivors but they weren’t intentionally targeted to be hurt. As many feel, a suicide attempt can be a cry for help.

Of course suicide isn’t selfish. Some people don’t understand the kind of pain that others are dealing with. I don’t know what the answer is to the darkest depression. I hope one day you will find peace.

I have lost family members, and friends to suicide and attempted suicide. I would never in a million years call them a coward or selfish.

I do know they were in tremendous pain that did not go away. I also know without a doubt that their suicide was not meant to hurt anyone else. They simply wanted the pain to end. They can’t feel anything else but their pain. Please know that I have the utmost compassion for you. In spite of what others believe it isn’t always a choice.

There is more light shed on this topic than in the past. More education is needed and many people have stepped forward to address issues related to suicide. Too many people care and I feel the issues will continue to be addressed publicly and we can hope others will learn compassion for those struggling with suicidal thoughts.

Sometimes it’s pain, mental illness, even physical illnesses, other times a person can become suicidal from psych drugs, etc. It’s not a black and white situation. There are lots of gray areas.

Overly religious people think a person will go to hell if they take their own life. I don’t believe that for a minute. The Jesus I believe in has mercy and compassion.

Sometimes it’s a cultural thing. I had a friend from Japan tell me rather than to shame their families, they do the honorable act of killing themselves. There is even a suicide forest in Japan where people go to commit suicide.

It’s an act of desperation because they see no other alternative. My uncle tried to commit suicide in the hospital by slicing his wrist and was damn angry that they saved his life. He suffered horribly with his cancer and knew he would not be cured. I understand that completely and told him I did. I never wanted him to feel shame about what he did. I wanted him to know he was loved.

Please know many people who have worked in the psychiatric field, those who work with suicide prevention, also work with survivors feel as I do. Some don’t agree and I suppose that is their right but the only thing it accomplishes is more hurt for the people suffering.

I am not directing this message towards anyone in particular, just in general how I feel about how suicide is viewed. Controversial, for sure.

So allow me to apologize for anyone who has hurt you, whether intentionally or not. I am sorry that you are hurting. I’m sure many others are as well. Take care, hugs!

I rescued a retired greyhound. The tracks in Florida are closing. I’m very happy about that.

Nothing morally wrong with recreational gambling but a gambling addiction is awful. Has your mom tried therapy? Maybe gambling anonymous isn’t a good fit for her. Encourage her to do therapy.

Jenn, maybe the two of you could do family therapy together. I hope it gets better for you soon. Hugs!

My suggestion? Go get help for yourself. Find a counselor that can help you deal with how you respond to this situation. If she is addicted to gambling, this is a very real problem. There are many types of addictions. I'm sorry about what happened with your father and that can have life long implications for how you deal with things, especially with the people you love. Please, help yourself as you can't save other people, even if it is your mother, no matter how much you want to or love them. And bailing them out of the negative consequences they have created is rarely helpful in the long run. For either of you. I hope you can find your way in this. And there is a better way.

Jenn,

I want to offer my deepest support to you. I had an older brother that I lost to a heroin addiction. I feel your pain firsthand. People have to experience this firsthand to truly understand it.

As I am sure that you know, addiction is a complex issue that truly needs professional help and sometimes that doesn’t even work.

Their problem is bigger than they are. We cannot change anyone. They must change themselves. I was fooling myself by thinking I could help my brother. I couldn’t. I wanted to walk away sooner than I did but my mom was putting pressure on me to help him. I had to put my foot down with my mom and my brother.

I did go to the ‘end of life’ hospice facility where he died. I took my mom to see her son that she dearly loved. She deserved to tell him goodbye. He was her first born child. I loved my brother as a brother but I hated the addiction. Same with mom. She hated the addiction but loved her son.

I completely forgave him. I made his cremation and burial arrangements in our family plot, along with a graveside service. It was hard. I had never envisioned doing that. I guess it was better than finding him dead of an overdose. I feared that constantly. Looking back, I think I was in shock and was on autopilot.

I prayed and asked God to soften my heart and give me understanding and he did. I honestly had doubts if I could forgive him for causing so much pain in my life since I was 6 years old. I saw him overdose as a young child. It was terribly confusing and at that time there were no support groups.

I have no anger. I have enormous compassion for those who struggle with addiction and suicidal thoughts.

There comes a point even though I understand so much better about addiction since going to a therapist that also specializes in addictive behavior. It’s a disease! Some will judge and that hurts to hear.

Regardless of it being a disease though, they must choose to get help or it will destroy them. Ideally, she should do in-house rehab. There is help and hope for those who commit to getting treatment. I begged my brother to do rehab. He would stop doing drugs periodically but could never kick it totally. He would slip back into the insanity. There is nothing rational about addiction. It’s horrendous. It takes a strong commitment to change.

I sincerely hope with all my heart your mom will seek treatment for herself first. If she does it for others without her heart in it, it simply doesn’t work. The decision has to be for her. Others will benefit from that choice and that’s wonderful.

I can tell you that that no one wants to be an addict. No one wakes up in the morning and says that they want to live a life of misery. Just doesn’t work that way.

My brother was 13 and his best friend talked him into it. He was clueless, just a kid who gave into peer pressure. There was no drug prevention education then. Even with education some give into the temptation.

I am going to say a special prayer for you and your mom. My heart aches for you and your mom.

I can tell you that I couldn’t remain in a relationship that became so toxic. I had to free myself. Did I worry about my brother? Of course I did. Did I help anything by remaining in the chaos? Nope, not at all, except to drive myself to the point of needing therapy.

I needed a professional on the outside to show me what I had been doing. We become blinded by it. I didn’t see how bad it was until I stepped away. Please step away. Don’t let her drag you down.

You are certainly welcome to private message me anytime. Sorry that I can’t help. No one has that kind of power. But I will be happy to listen if you need to talk. Take care. Hugs!

How is she gambling? Does she frequently go to casinos? When did this start? Is it online gambling? Maybe somehow you can put some roadblocks in place. Addiction is terrible for the person and those around them.

I would not give her money for anything. No cash! When my brother (drug addict)needed money for something I offered to by what he needed, fill his scripts, bring groceries over, take him out to lunch, etc. but I never put cash in his hand.

Do you know if she is a he is a thrill seeker (adrenaline junkie) or does she use gambling to escape (numb the pain)? Maybe if you had these answers you could help her find solutions. Has she done therapy? A good therapist could help uncover the underlying issues.

Sorry, i have need of my money. NO.

I'm going to kill myself - you don't care. [my mom used this one all of the time] "i do care, and if you choose to kill yourself - that is your choice. You will miss time with your grandson and he will know you chose to kill yourself because you were in a snit for not getting your way. I will not feel guilty"

I'll be evicted. "There are lots of elder options - call local area agency on aging"

I went through alot of @#$# before my mom stopped thinking my money was hers to tap.

Does she admit that she is a compulsive gambler and has a problem? If that's the case, she's an addict, and she needs help. I have some advice on that front, but it all depends on whether or not she thinks she has a problem.

I know someone who tried committing suicide 3 times, that I know of, over the span of her lifetime. I guess it wasn't her time to go. It is such a permanent solution for that moment. Glad she failed at it. Now she has cancer, and it's been over 3 years, so hopefully it's gone for good.

It is so hard to go down that road, and actually think THAT IS THE ONLY WAY OUT. So many famous people recently too. Do these famous people make it look more acceptable being in the public eye? "If he can do it, and he is famous, rich, talented, well, so can I, and he had everything?"

People should not use suicide to bend people to their wishes wills or wants.

Try to get them another purpose for being around. If Mom's business is that slow that she has time to gamble after work,, during work, weekends, then she needs another actual job or purpose in life. If you are close enough go for weekly walks, take Tai Chi, Chess, or adult classes and paint, pottery,, or photography.

Tell her you have a financial advisor, and only he can generate the cash from the investments. Long Term investments have the best interest rates in the long run. He suggests that I keep them like that for a bit, and try not to use them, I don't want to dip into them and get penalized. This CD is a 5 year account and yields a lot of interest. The other Certificates of Deposit are shorter terms, but I just opened them, and they won't mature until next year.

Right now Mom, I need to pay for my living expenses and bills, soI don't have cash to lend you, but I will be more than willing to get you a bag of groceries for the week.

Maybe some weekend, we can hit the Farmers Market, see all the fresh produce, and have a nice lunch today.

I understand the local botanical gardens are just blooming away this time of year. We should check it out, take a walk, and listen to some discussions on how to transfer bulbs, when to cut back that rose bush, what plants best attracts beautiful butterflies and hummingbirds.

What plants are the best to grow in our area. She may just need more time with loved ones.

What type of business does she own? And is she happy doing that? If not, maybe she can get a job at a store, home depot, etc.

Save yourself!!!!!
It is not your fault that your father took his life. Should your mother actually decide to do the same, which would be awful, it would also NOT BE your fault. How heinous is it for a mother to threaten their child with this? This is horrendous behavior. Do not accept it.

Anyone can take no for an answer. Stop allowing your mother to hold you hostage. This is not in any way a loving, supportive relationship.

I know that's it's easy to say this, and very difficult to do.

If your mother needed money for actual real things, such as food, then of course you would give it to her. But if she chooses to use her money for gambling, then that is not something you can be a party to.

Have you seen the tv show Intervention? If not go watch it. This will give you an idea of what you need to do.

And yes, you can say no to her.

As you well know your mom has issues, it is NOT your responsibility to enable her issues by helping her financially at all and the same goes for your brother. Hard as it is to watch them struggle ultimately in this case you aren't helping them by bailing them out financially. Now trying to get her or each of them if you choose, help is another story but don't go down the rabbit hole of allowing that to swallow up your life either. Your mother threatening suicide is mean, whether she means it that way or not, addicts say and do all kinds of things out of desperation they wouldn't normally and don't mean. However it is a good place to take a stand, next time she threatens to kill herself I would simply tell her that you love her and having already lost one parent to suicide you have to take that threat seriously, if you hear her or of her saying that again you will call the authorities. This way she will either stop using that to manipulate you (not that she will stop trying to manipulate) or you will act by doing the things you can to help her and have nothing to feel regret for. Part of me hopes she will test those waters or just not be able to help herself and be forced to get some help, at which time you can tell them you think she has a gambling problem. She's going to be angry of course when you call authorities and telling them about the gambling isn't going to make it any worse, let's face it she's going to give you crap either way report her as a threat to herself or not so might as well be proactive and feel self assured that you did everything you could, even the hard stuff. Now as far as the gambling as with any addiction she is going to have to want help herself and that probably wont happen until she is destitute but knowing those closest to her see it and aren't going to support it only helps get her there and helping her financially including by helping your brother financially only prolongs things. Throwing good money after bad or whatever they say.

Your instinct is right to say a firm no to requests for financial help and so are you desires to help, there is no reason you can't do both and maintain enough distance to continue letting the good new things in your life continue to develop. I think you are honoring your dad by doing that and not using the money he left you to help your brother hurt himself. Keep following your instincts, they sound good to me.

Are you your mother's caregiver?

Gam-Anon offers help for family and friends. You might also want to find a gambling addiction support group online.

I too don't see it as a selfish act. I see it as someone in pain and just can't see that things can get better, depression is a horrible thing. I think we all have experienced it and have been able to bounce back. Some people can't.

Jenn, what I see here is you just needing conformation that you are doing is the right thing. You are right. Years ago it was called tough love. Both Mom and brother need the kind of help you can't give. They have addictions for a reason. Mental makeup, childhood problems...looks like you missed that boat, thankfully. The only way they will ever try to get help is when they hit bottom. Mom will lose everything. Even when that happens, don't give her money. Find resources for her but don't give her money directly. If she needs food, there are food closets and stamps. Or buy it for her. Your money will just go down a hole with no bottom.

If I was in ur situation, I would back off. Phone calls can be blocked so can emails.

I. Do not give money to her.
2. If she threatens suicide call 911. (Had an exBF threaten suicide to me - I called 911 and when they arrived he said that he was just kidding... they had him evaluated and he was fine needless to say we broke up and as far as I know - through a mutual friend - he lives in another state and has never done that again)
3. Walk - run - away!

Selfish or not, suicide is incredibly damaging to the people it leaves behind. It scatters guilt and shame all over them; and even though I accept that it doesn't help to call it anyone's "fault," the one person who made that choice has definitely escaped all blame. It isn't fair. And you're not even allowed to say so, because he has sanctified himself through sacrifice and victimhood.

My pain is worse and more inescapable than the pain I know I will be inflicting on the people who love me. Including my two children.

Yeah, I'd call that selfish, actually. What else is it?

I don't think that suicide is a selfish act. To me, saying that it's selfish is pretty arrogant and demeans people who deal with mental illness. I have been down the road of suicidal and to say that, it's a horrible thing to say. Some feel that there is no way out from mental illness and some mental illnesses are really vicious and it's own hell.

I would find a good therapist to work through your emotions regarding your family. You have every right to say no and tell your mom to p*** off. Don't be afraid to block their calls and if they show up on your doorstep, tell them to leaves. If they don't leave, call the police to get them off your property. I think your mother isn't going to commit suicide, she is using it to get money. That is all you are, is an ATM and someone else to abuse.

Suicide is a very selfish act. It leaves behind turmoil that should never be. It leaves people searching for answers that don't exist.

You had no part in what your dad did. Whatever his personal demon was it was not you or anything you did or didn't do.

Forgive him and mourn what could have been and find a way to move past what he did.

Take care of you.

When I read of anyone saying they will kill themself if you don't comply with their demands, I see red and smoke blows through my ears.

It is a hateful, sick, manipulative thing to say and 1000x worse in your situation. I get you love your mom, but she doesn't love you. She may say she does and you probably desire her to, you probably think I am nuts for even saying it. But in no way, shape or form does love ever pull the evil, hateful, self serving bs that the female that gave birth to you does to you. It is ALL about her, even the things she does for your brother is about her. I know, I was raised by a female that did and does play those twisted games.

I learned 40+ years ago that she is dangerous to me. Even when she is being "nice" it's because she has something in mind and is trying to get around my boundaries. The last time she told me she would kill herself was roughly 6 years ago and I had been helping her for 6 weeks trying to clean her pig sty so her husband could come home after having part of his colon removed. I was in desperate need of a break and I told her I was going to target, 3 minutes away to grab a cleaning product, she started screaming that she would kill herself if she didn't get to go. What?!?! Do it already, I am done listening to the bs. Then I walked out. I knew she was only trying to manipulate me, but honestly, I would not have been responsible had she killed herself in the throws of her temper tantrum. This is something I grew up under, if she didn't get her way, she made everyone as miserable as she could. So it was easier to let her have her own way than to live in hell until her next sick game.

The things you describe reminds me soooooo much of my mom, it's frightening to know there are many out there with these selfish personalities.

I walked away, actually moved 400 miles away to get away from the psychosis my family thrives in, it was scary and it was hard, but so very worth not being around the crazy hatefulness. I have a great life, I married a wonderful man and had a fulfilling career. I was and am in complete control of the relationship with my parents. I wish that I had a mom that could be an actual mom and love me, but I don't and I never will. She likes herself just fine as she is, so she will never change and if she could it wouldn't be because I stayed around to be her scratching post, it would be because she saw that she has no love in her for anyone near her. Your mom is the same. My mom gambles every penny she gets her hands on, I can tell by her hello if she has won or lost at the casino. She has always gambled and denies it, no helping that situation, but I don't need to contribute to it in any way. Neither do you.

Are they really worth your piece of mind and wellbeing? You could walk away and never look back and have nothing to feel guilty about. Self preservation is actually a very natural, healthy, acceptable trait, we have it for a reason.

That was a very long way of saying that no matter what you do, she will never be the mom you desire, nothing you do or say or don't do or say makes you responsible if she follows through on her threats to kill herself. You are a valuable human being in yourself and you do not need her or your brother to validate that. She has shown you her true colors and what she thinks of you by her words and actions, believe her. As hard as it will be, run away from this hateful thing. You deserve better and it is in your power to start getting it. She has made her choices and she will need to live with the consequences. You are not responsible for her or your brother, in any way, shape or form, stop owning their bs.

Hugs, you can do this!

BarbBrooklyn recommended what I was going to recommend, Jenn: you need to walk away from your mother and brother. You're being double-teamed by two sick individuals. You DO NOT have to tolerate the treatment from either one.

As others have said, you should seek treatment for yourself to make yourself as mentally and emotionally strong as you can. You deserve happiness.

You can't make your mother and brother get help and solve their problems. They have to fall to the point where they realize they need help, and you CANNOT be their landing pad. They have to realize this on their own. Don't hesitate to protect yourself and stop all communication. Perhaps in time they can come to their realization they need help. If you can't avoid them because you're all nearby in the community, strictly limit your contact with them. Take care of any business then walk away.

A big hug to you, Jenn. I wish you all happiness.

Jenn, Your mom and brother are both mentally ill. They both need help. They have a co-dependent relationship and are trying to triangulate you into the fold!

Resist the manipulation. Read up on "Fear, Obligation and Guilt" (known as FOG). Read the book called "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud about how to set those important boundaries around your life and that of your relationship. Find yourself a therapist who can help you past the clear guilt you feel about your father's death--the way your mother is "playing" your guilt about that it truly despicable. It goes "you love him so much because he killed himself, I'll do that too". Your "mom" is one sick puppy, my dear.

Jenn, you may need to walk away from these toxic individuals in order to have some peace and that would be okay. Curing your mom is NOT YOUR JOB.

Peace!

Give yourself permission to be happy and continue with your life. It sounds like you are successful in both.

Keep money away from your relationships with your mom/brother. Your mom has the means to help your brother if she chooses.

Urge them hem to get help with their addictions. Talk to their doctors because you love them.

Watch “Every Brilliant Thing” on HBO. It is a wonderful, and somehow uplifting, short film about living with a suicidal parent.

Your mother and brother have a co-dependant relationship. As long as your brother is 'sick' using drugs and alcohol she can 'take care of him' this in turn makes HER feel better. It is all about her and really has nothing to do with your brother being a better kid or even being her favorite. Do research on co-dependant, just Google it. I bet you will find similarity as you read the behaviours of your mom and brother. I know this because my mother and brother have the same sick and twisted relationship. Do not ever think there is something wrong with you because the way your mom treats you. It is not you...it is her.

She had no right to ask you to use 'your inheritance' on your brother. He got his and he made a choice to blow it that is on him. People like your mom and brother will suck the life out of you if you let them.

As far as your partner goes all you have to tell him for now is that you are not close to your mom and brother. If this is a new relationship than keep it short and simple about your mom and brother for right now.

CM is right " She has made a foolish decision. That is no reason for you to follow."

Sometimes in life we can not save the people we love because "you cannot save someone who doesn't want to be save," all you can do is save yourself.

Your dad left you that money for you, not for you to give it to your brother or your mom. If he wanted them to have it he would have left it to them.

Hugs!!

Smiling and smh.

Listen carefully to what you just said:

"I lost my dad and I just don't want to make a stupid mistake."

You lost your Dad. You don't want to take a wrong step that leads to your losing your mother. Because if you did take that wrong step, and she were to kill herself, that would be your fault. Yes?

Implicit in that thought process is that your father's taking his own life was in some way your fault. That if you had done something differently, or said something, or intervened, it would not have happened.

Your father, not to speak ill of the dead, was a sick man. The havoc he wrought on the people who loved him, or tried to love him, is plain to see.

You Did Not Do It.

Have you taken this issue to a therapist for yourself?

I've got so many questions. But I think a big hug is more what you need.

You know what, you are actually already getting this right. You have a healthy relationship which is good for you, and that is your priority. Do you also have a job you like?

The relationship with your family sounds shark-infested. So you don't go into it without a safety cage around you. And that is what you're aiming to do, pretty much, isn't it?

How old are you, Jenn? If you don't mind my asking?

Yes, he can. You don't have a right of confidentiality when you give a doctor information about his patient.

But that doesn't mean he would, especially if there are very good reasons not to *which serve the interests of his patient.* Protecting his patient's relationship with her daughter would be in her best interests, and one very good reason for discretion.

But quite honestly, she's likely to guess whether or not the doctor blabs, isn't she. She's not stupid. And there must be a limited number of sources for the information to have come from.

So the important question is: what are you afraid of? That she won't speak to you? That's a risk, perhaps, not a certainty; but in either case how would it be a worse problem for you than the one you already have?

If your father killed himself, how come the life insurance company paid out? This would be very unusual.

So the problem in fact is that your mother thinks you should help your brother. You can see perfectly well that the loan is not to her, but to him. She has already committed herself to helping him, you never agreed to it; moreover you correctly believe that money is not going to solve his difficulties.

She has made a foolish decision. That is no reason for you to follow it. You are correct.

Have you considered severing all contact with them? Would you be able to do that?

Wrong. YOU can tell her doctor anything you like. The confidentiality codes prevent the doctor from speaking to you, not the other way round.