Usually when she is in respite care, I visit her every day for 1-2 hours. I find this excessive, but it keeps her from being lonely and bored. My mom has a lot of problems with her hands, so its hard for her to use a phone to call people. She can't work a smart phone or even her flip phone without assistance. She doesn't read. She basically just watches TV.
I don't want to visit her this time as much. I need rest. I'm so mentally tired. Right now I'm packing her bag and she's at the hospital (she was in there for a UTI) but she couldn't eat her meal properly and wants me to come out there and get her food together to take it with her to the facility. I don't want to do this either. I called the facility and asked them could they have food ready for her when she gets there.
Am I being unreasonable? Please tell me the truth. I just want to rest. I feel like even trying to rest I have a ton of responsibility.
I need rest, but also would like to catch up on household chores. Get the house all clean, the laundry all done, and do things for myself that I haven't done in a while. I can't do that if I'm worried about her constantly, or if she calls me crying about something or anything like that. I worry that the room is going to be cold and she won't have her nice warm bed. I worry that she's not going to have her own TV, that she'll have to share it. Should I take her TV to the facility? She's only going to be in there a few days, maybe like 4 days?
How do people usually treat respite care? Is it okay to not go out there at all to visit??
I strongly suggest you take this short period of rest and relief that you're getting..........and stop worrying. Worry is a waste of time and energy on something that's very unlikely to happen! This is time you won't get back, either, so may as well make the most of it. Your mother is a grown woman who will be just fine without your constant attention.
Good luck!
She WILL be fine.
Don't talk to her and you won't have to hear every stupid, petty complaint. Let the staff take care of her.
It is 4 days, even if she didn't have a TV at all she would survive. I know, I don't have a TV in my home and never will, we do just fine.
You are only responsible for her boredom because you choose to be.
It is called respite for a reason. Please take care of you for a change.
Tell me. Do YOU think that your worries are mainly rooted in possible genuine problems, or mainly rooted in your not taking personal direct responsibility for her care for those few precious days?
We have a tendency to end up thinking, even if subconsciously, that we are the only ones who can take proper care of our loved ones. We therefore feel terrible if the slightest technical hitch, teething trouble, mild inconvenience or momentary discomfort even might happen.
You give them your emergency contact number. I personally used to send my mother a daily email (asking the reception desk to print it off for her) with cat updates and my love but I didn't visit and couldn't call her for the full five days (day 1 is dropping off, day 7 is picking up - you don't really get the whole week off). My mother could have, was encouraged to join in all kinds of activities but she preferred to sit in her room and hold her breath. I had to harden my heart about it, but that really was up to her. There was nothing wrong with the facility, its residents, or its lovely staff.
So presuming your selected respite facility is one you know and trust, trust them. For four days they will cope, and you can sleep.
And don't make your To Do list too ambitious; or if you must then at least include things like Bubble Bath, Watch DVD, Go For Walk on it.
You have conditioned yourself to be her savior, to make everything perfect for her, that thought process is not realistic, nothing in her life or yours has ever been perfect... it is time to let go and take care of you, she will be fine, she is a big girl not a baby. Don't visit..geesh it's only a few days...
I do cater to her too much and I do think that me always being there and always calming her down has been too much.
But I am pleased you are taking the respite. Many don't & really burn out. Maybe getting that short respite, then taking a longer respite (ie for a holiday) & your own interests & hobbies would help get some perspective. And time to think about what you want too. Everyone needs their own life journey.
I honestly do not know who I am. I mean, I know who I am, but I'm not allowed to be who I am. It's incredibly sad. In order to forget about how sad it is, I just continue to care. Because the alternative is really scary.