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Usually when she is in respite care, I visit her every day for 1-2 hours. I find this excessive, but it keeps her from being lonely and bored. My mom has a lot of problems with her hands, so its hard for her to use a phone to call people. She can't work a smart phone or even her flip phone without assistance. She doesn't read. She basically just watches TV.


I don't want to visit her this time as much. I need rest. I'm so mentally tired. Right now I'm packing her bag and she's at the hospital (she was in there for a UTI) but she couldn't eat her meal properly and wants me to come out there and get her food together to take it with her to the facility. I don't want to do this either. I called the facility and asked them could they have food ready for her when she gets there.


Am I being unreasonable? Please tell me the truth. I just want to rest. I feel like even trying to rest I have a ton of responsibility.


I need rest, but also would like to catch up on household chores. Get the house all clean, the laundry all done, and do things for myself that I haven't done in a while. I can't do that if I'm worried about her constantly, or if she calls me crying about something or anything like that. I worry that the room is going to be cold and she won't have her nice warm bed. I worry that she's not going to have her own TV, that she'll have to share it. Should I take her TV to the facility? She's only going to be in there a few days, maybe like 4 days?


How do people usually treat respite care? Is it okay to not go out there at all to visit??

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REspite: TAke a breath.. .go to beach, backyard, library, spa.. taske a journal, book, nothing.... close the eyes, and SNORE!!!! get that back rub, back treatment. eyepatch, skin freashener, back cracked, , or a small place in a corner with blackout shades, and soft music to fall alseep with...Whatever,,, breath, close eyes, and just breath
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Mom is okay today... these emotions can go any which way and quickly... especially if she is in a new place, and she doesn't have her way.... My neighbor is eperiencing this now. Ma is on numorous meds for whatever they are prescribed for... AND "IT'S ALL ABOUT ME"... nobody pays enough attentions, this, that and etc...
I told neighbor it's too big of a communnity for Ma.. Ma has lived by herself for over 30 years,,, REally? she had her own way... she was the only one in her home..

Well... life goes on. some are more screamers than others... My LO's place only 6 people... its a 6 pack, and one is a screamer...When I visit l look in, ,appolgize, but nurse is coming over.. I can't have that... I shut her door... It's okay, if it gets quiet over 5 minutes, someone opens the door to peep in to make sure she is okay.. When I leave, I open the door , thank her, and good night... Yikes... It is a bit, but they cannot help it...It is a nightmare in their brain, and it is REAL.... I hope I am quiet as a mouse like my LO... "heart" she is lovely.
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My mom has some OCD, I think, as she, too "has" to have everything in her apt just so. Because of this, I only go see her once a week now, and if she gets to micro managing me too badly, I tell her I have to go, and DO it. Much less stress; it's way too hard to keep up with "blanket like this, pillows just so, make the drink 1/2 water and 1/3 pop, adjust the window 2", No, not 1 1/2 " - 2". Aaargh! Once a week is more than enough; you have no idea how relieved you'll be after even 4 days!
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Beatty Jan 2020
I'm off to look for an OCD thread now...
I've had to shorten visits & now reducing. Just can't deal with it :(
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One of the things that staff told me was how hard it was to get the family to actually take a rest and leave the person in their care. One lady stayed with her husband about 12 hours a day. Needless to say, she didn't get any rest and didn't get her house clean either! I went about once a day for about one hour. Didn't get much rest, because I tried to clean up the house also.
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MAYDAY Jan 2020
For me, forget the house, noboby comes over anyway....
I know, I know. It is not for guests.... I am over 40 and I know it... My friend says it: YOU HAVE UNOPENED MAIL.... RECYCLE IT ALREADY!!! No, you don't have to shred.... just put it t the bottom of the cat/dog bag... If anyone wants it let him go through what we do all the time....!!! It's stinky, but go ahead.

These bodies of ours are harder than we can imagine... and imagine what your LO is going through.... "hearts love" Their bodies won't give out, until it is time...For her, for you, for whomever....
I don't thin you hear this one... I slipped over the pool sweep/broom. I had old slippery sandals on, and yes I stepped on this thing, and it swept me right over the pool edge... right leg first, then my head... Ok, I think, I can hold my breath... I did, I relaxed, closed eyes, and let my body follow....
I think to myself, I didn't get a deep enough breath, and went to get one, it my favorite way to relax... sorry,,,,, floating face down, weightless... yes, fat floats so I float too. oops. When I came about... I found myself under the pool cover... over a couple feet from the edge.... Couldn't get up... I was stuck... found my self at the ground and forced my self up, grabbed the swim step, gulped a bit of air, and aimed for the edge. held on an yelled for superwoman.... my nextdoor neighbor Mickie who takes care of 2 of ther great grandkids.... :) Well, by the time she found me, I found a chair to sit in. Must have asked her for 2 hours straight if my hubby was mad.. He wasn't home from work yet... Things happen quickly. she got me dried off, and walked me to her home for a bite to eat... Wonderful woman... superwoman... honestly.... not by this story, just what she does.
Last itme I walked with my friemd K.. she told me she was syphing rainwater from a hose, and a small rock got lodged in throat...She thought she was a gonner... This body can get through lots... She ;managed to get it out somehow... Thank God !!!
So, you an d mom can get through this week... It is a day by day issue you will dp good
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Google the word Respite and you get a definition that respite applies to care givers who need a short break from unpleasant chores. It does not apply to the patient as you have stated. If you turn what you said around and look at yourself as the one who needs the respite you will get a better idea of your dilemma and see how to handle it. You should take the respite break by putting your M in some sort of care facility, and then doing all those things you want to do. Live the respite. For you it may be a matter of how you are looking at it that you need to change. I hope it works.
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Give yourself the break that you need, else you totally faint or fall ill.
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Can someone explain exactly how ‘respite’ care works if they are going to a place away from home? Is this paid out of pocket? Is there a minimum? Do you have to have a referral?
Thanks!
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worriedinCali Jan 2020
It all depends. I believe original medicare pays for up to 5 days respite care. Same if the person is on hospice. If the person is not on hospice and is on Medicaid, then depending on the state & program, Medicaid may pay for it. Home & community based waivers pay for respite. Otherwise....you have to pay out of pocket for it.
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I always went to visit my mother every few days, she was always in there for 7 days, but you REALLY NEED RESPITE!!! I would tell your mother that you are not going to contact her, visit her - nothing, that you need to REST or you will not be good for her going forward. This way she has the expectation that she will not hear from you for 4 days, which goes by fast...you need this for you.
I do not think you are being unreasonable.
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It is ok not to visit. Respite is supposed to be a break for you. It’s not a break if you still visit.
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So your mother has to have her feet just so, and her blanket just so? Sounds like she is very spoiled. What will happen to her if you die? Many caregivers die before the person they are caring for, I have heard as high as 40%. You need to take care of your self first, or you won't be around to care for her. I firmly believe the stress I was living under at one time in my life triggered cancer by destroying my immune system. I don't do stress anymore.

You said, "If I ignore her, which I'm afraid not visiting is, she will raise hell for days or bring it up out of nowhere. She will throw a fit for HOURS. I have lost sleep before over her fits". If she acts this way again, warn her you aren't putting up with it anymore. Leave the room, the house, whatever until she learns to behave herself. Even if you sit out on the curb. You wouldn't put up with this kind of actions from a 2 year old, don't put up with it from a 82 year old (or however old your mom is).

Perhaps you need to read the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud, or get some help from a counselor. When I was in therapy, it took me 3 weeks to just say "no, I won't do that". THREE darn weeks. The second time it was easier.

Hugs on your journey to taking care of yourself.
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Beatty Jan 2020
"no, I won't do that". Three weeks... you did good I think! I am embaressed to say it took me a-l-o-t longer than that! But little by little, I have got better at it.

My daughter had a happy emoji on her hand to cheer her up. I may write NO on my palm, ha ha
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This quote by Mark Twain helps:

Worry is like paying a debt
YOU
don’t owe!

Another one I use when entering my
home (now my sanctuary or sacred space).
“Always leave your worries at the door”.

If you must - 5 minutes or so. Give yourself a very limited time to “worry”. Write them down in a notebook and leave them in a basket at the door. Trust me, you give enough of yourself and your time doing caregiving. The worry part will only harm you.

One more, try a rocking chair! Supposedly you can’t worry while you rock.
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Respite is for you. You will have to repeat this several times before and after a brief visit. Stay at home take care of yourself. Tell her my mind and body needs rest. When you say this look exhausted. Tell her I will come and take you home (and ofRespit) give her a day or...
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When my mom went to a rehab after a hospital visit, I had the choice of rehab or home. I felt I needed some time for myself as I was so exhausted. My mom has never done good in rehab but I really felt I needed some time for myself, even though I went to visit nearly every day. I feel I made a huge mistake letting her go there as she wouldn't do any exercises, refused her meds and was refusing getting washed up. So after her being there a short time, we had her discharged and she came home doing so badly. For all that happened, I would have taken her home and no rehab. I went thru much and she suffered much.
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mally1 Jan 2020
She chose that....
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I send my husband to respite atleast every month so I can get a much needed break. Respite stay is usually 5 days and he comes home on the 6th day. Just make sure she has enough clothing and supplies to cover her stay, if she is prone to having accidents. While your mom is in the hospital, you could make a trip to the respite facility and speak with the DON regarding any instructions regarding your mom. You could also ask to see what room she will be in and if she will be sharing. Most rooms, if she is sharing with someone, each person has their own TV and remote, they are usually mounted to the wall in front of their beds. Take this time to relax and plan monthly respite for your mom, you need to have your own time too and don't just stay home and clean, RELAX AND TAKE TIME TO SMELL THE FLOWERS.
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CaregiverL Jan 2020
Chill, how is his respite care paid for? Thanks 😊
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Goodness me, by the way you were describing your situation I thought you were going to say your mother was going into Respite for months. Just 4 days? It will not hurt your mother to not even hear from you in that time. You have thoroughly spoilt your mother and she is milking it for all it is worth. The Respite facility will take care of your mothers needs, it may well not be to her satisfaction, but that might make her appreciate you a little more. There again, it may not. Whichever way it goes she will not be happy so dont waste your down time trying to appease her.
I suggest once your mother is in the facility you ask they keep her for at least a week, two would be better. It is called Respite for a reason. Recharging your own batteries with a decent rest .... not spending the entire time playing catch up with chores and visiting her ... is essential for you if you are going to continue caring for your mother at home. Personally, I would be taking the opportunity to arrange for your mother to remain in permanent care. If you are honest with yourself you will see her needs are going to increase and her emotional neediness, which you have obviously been enabling, will eventually strangle you. Rather than visit, make a daily call to the facility to check on her welfare. You do not have to speak to her directly. Lack of contact for only 4 days will not hurt her. If you were unconscious in hospital she would have to rely on staff, so why not now?
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Sounds like she's sucking the life out of you.
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PS: I read an article recently from a publication based in Canada (I'm in the US) and it was discussing "emotional labour". As I recall it is the effort we extend when we are forced to put on a "face" or act a certain way (i.e. patient, kind, supportive) when we are feeling angry, upset or out of patience). It was discussing issues in the workplace, but for me it rang true as far as caregiving.
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I want to cry reading this as you and I were cut from the same rock of thoughts and feelings. The last time my elder parents went to visit my out of state sibling by plane the trip went fine. And as I sat at the gate watching the departure, I knew in my heart this was going to be my last staycation of peace and quiet and the opportunity to "get things done". That was several years ago. Even at this moment I am torn between being grateful I had the chance to get all that cleaning and organizing done, or regretting my damn stupidity on not just relaxing the peace and quiet and savoring the down time.
You need some down time. She's in a place where she'll be looked after. I never was a liar, but sometimes for survival we have to. So you have a cold or feel like you're coming down with one. And you don't go. And you try very hard to savor and enjoy your well deserved time off. Four days will go in a blink. Try hard not to answer the phone. Tell her your phone died/battery dead/broken wire. Of course let a staff person know in an EMERGENCY they can reach you.
If you can afford it, have someone come in one of the days to clean the house for you.
If you can't stop from worrying, it won't be of much benefit. Yes, if you can, take her own TV so that's another worry you can take off your list.
Do all you possibly can to enjoy every second. With no guilt!
Now I am lucky that mom will typically go out every other Saturday with dad to get her hair washed/blown dry. I call that my "golden hour". Which I am off to deal with right now...I can tidy up a bit, steal her robe to launder that she lives in...it's the only time I have aside from the wee hours of the night.
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The daughter23 - there is absolutely nothing wrong with taking the time to mentally and physically recharge and you’ll be a better caregiver for it!!! Caregiving for a loved one is very tough business, both physically and mentally. By far, the toughest thing I have done!!!

I have had my mom in respite care three or so times over the last four years. She is in hospice care now and the hospice company nurse told me that they have families that request respite care once a month so don’t even think about feeling bad!!!!

Remember, and I know it’s a hard concept for us at times, but you have to take care of yourself to be good at taking care of others.

If you don’t go to the facility for a visit, it’s perfectly OK - don’t beat yourself up - it’s for four days after all - perhaps explain to your mother that you will be busy tending to things that need tending that way she won’t expect you.

With regards to a TV, you can request a visit prior to her stay to scope out the room.

In the end, remember you’ll be fine and so will your mom!!!

Enjoy your time, you deserve it!!!!!
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Glad mom has adjusted.

Is it time to make this her new home?
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Respite care is time for you to do exactly what you said...rest and do what you need to do. You know your Mother is in a safe place with care. May not be to her liking, but you can't continue to care for as you do without some down time. Do not visit and do not feel guilty. Maybe you can explain it to her, maybe you can't, but you need those days for you. Peace.
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I would treat respite for what it is: a respite for you from the demands of caregiving. If you want by all means, take a warm throw or blanket for her. Work with the facility on her dietary needs as well as her need for assistance with meals. As far as the TV goes, I would ask the facility their thoughts. In terms of visiting, do you have any family who can visit? Does she have any friends that can visit? I would ask the facility to help her with socialization while there so you don't feel guilty about not visiting. It's for such a short time, please take the break! You need it and by taking it you'll help her as well as yourself. Recharge yourself.
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When you have waves of guilt, know it's just a feeling and let it flow till it ebbs.
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A couple of weeks ago the person arranging respite care for me said to me "We take care of your Mom by taking care of you!" As someone looking after a 100 year old Mom 24/7 for years now...this first respite will be someone coming into our home and giving me 4 hours "out". We tried it out for 2 hours last week and I never once thought about Mom because I knew she was in great hands after helping the respite worker get to know Mom and her routines and watching her with my Mom. Like you, I'm a worrier and give so much to her all the time, but this time I switched it all off for 2 hours. It was such a relief. Take the time for YOU so you will be able to care for your Mom when she returns after the 4 days. Do what you want to do. Do nothing for part of the time! She will be looked after by people who deal with elderly and know what they are doing. As you noted, she is already making friends and getting used to it. :)
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So happy to hear that your mom has adjusted and has made friends (1/3 post). Since mom has now adjusted, would you consider allowing her to stay there full time? That way you can stop being the busy bee and be the loving daughter who *visits* instead of worries.
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Tell her a white lie. Say you are going to a "special clinic" in another part of the state to undergo a variety of health tests as insisted upon by your doctor. If pressed for details, say that the doctor was vague and it had something to do with the interaction of your thyroid, digestive system, "brain waves" and recent blood tests....If pressed for more details, say, "We'll see; that is why I am going to be undergoing tests. The results will be announced a week after I return." No matter how much she may lament and insist upon more info, or to know who "will take your place" in your absence, just say you are working on it.
When you are resting up, if she gets someone else to dial your number for her, let it go to voicemail.
We must take care of ourselves FIRST and that includes you.
Grace + Peace,
Bob
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The purpose of her going to respite is NOT to give HER a break but for YOU to get a break.
If she can be there for 4 days leave her there for 4 days she will be fine.
Make sure that the facility has your number. if she calls you let the call go to voicemail. (if she has a cell phone..but unless the staff helps her that is not an issue either.)
Respite is so important that even Medicare recognizes it's importance and pays for 1 week of respite per year for Hospice patients.
Don't visit.
Relax
She will be fine.
By the way if you can get someone to come in and clean, send the laundry out to one of the places that will wash, dry and fold and get a room at a nearby hotel that has a pool and truly relax! See a movie BTW..Knives Out is funny!
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You worry that her room will be too cold?

Tell me. Do YOU think that your worries are mainly rooted in possible genuine problems, or mainly rooted in your not taking personal direct responsibility for her care for those few precious days?

We have a tendency to end up thinking, even if subconsciously, that we are the only ones who can take proper care of our loved ones. We therefore feel terrible if the slightest technical hitch, teething trouble, mild inconvenience or momentary discomfort even might happen.

You give them your emergency contact number. I personally used to send my mother a daily email (asking the reception desk to print it off for her) with cat updates and my love but I didn't visit and couldn't call her for the full five days (day 1 is dropping off, day 7 is picking up - you don't really get the whole week off). My mother could have, was encouraged to join in all kinds of activities but she preferred to sit in her room and hold her breath. I had to harden my heart about it, but that really was up to her. There was nothing wrong with the facility, its residents, or its lovely staff.

So presuming your selected respite facility is one you know and trust, trust them. For four days they will cope, and you can sleep.

And don't make your To Do list too ambitious; or if you must then at least include things like Bubble Bath, Watch DVD, Go For Walk on it.
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While it is true that you need a break, my advice would be to visit your mother daily. Many mothers when raising children devote 24/7 care, support, and worry while their children are growing up. Our parents are not here forever. I have seen grown adults put their parents in a place, and go about their daily business. I have also seen the elderly parent give up because they are sad and lonely that nobody cares about them anymore, and they die. Many adult children later have regrets. Once our parents are gone, we can’t get them back. My advice is to make the most of this time, while still caring for yourself, try to put mom first.

My other experience with adult children, I find those adults who did not have children of their own, for the most part, are only concerned with themselves. While this is not true for all childless adults, I have found it to be the norm. For those of us with children, I don’t think we fully realize how important our parents are until we have children of her own and experience what it takes to raise a child.

On the other hand, some of us are just born caretakers, and some are not.
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anonymous912123 Jan 2020
Momma Marsha...Who are you to sit in judgement of others? If you have decided to spend your entire life babysitting and caretaking, that is your choice.

And to say those who do not have children are all about themselves is one of the most stupid comments I have ever read.

I do not have children, nor does my brother and we make certain our parents are properly cared for, and we do not do it by having them live with us. And we do not visit them everyday, never have, never will. They have their lives in AL, and we as adults have ours, we are not co-dependent on each other. They are in a 5* homes, have made new friends and enjoy the activities. They are with people of their own age, just as it should be.

All your posts are offensive and judgmental.
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Respite is for the caregiver to rest, I put my mom in respite twice a year for 2 weeks each. We go on vacation, it is such a relief not have to care for her. I don’t feel bad cause I know she is is good hands. She is the one who puts the guilt trip on me. But I tell her I need a rest. She says I don’t bother anyone, that’s just it she doesn’t, she can’t do anything for herself she doesn’t consider how much it takes to take care of her every day!
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