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You are worried about her being bored? She has a TV...stop worrying. And if she is bored...guess what? That is ok. What about your needs? It sounds to me that your needs for rest and getting a few things done trumps her being bored. She will survive and 4 days later be no worse for it. So put it in proper perspective and let the staff take care of her. You can even ask them to not let her call you or at the very least have them call you if she has a question. we did this with my dad when he was in rehab and now when he's in the NH.
You matter too!!!
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I thought the point of respite was for the carer to have a complete break
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2020
Well, can be but the OP is looking for care due to having surgery, recovery time.
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Moms, dads, older, are like our kids... Our kids cannot survive without us, so we think... just like our parents are doing to us now....

Our elders are capable to survive someone, whom we have helped choose to look after them, with us overlooking this scenario. You can relax a bit.. Take a breath, take a coffee break, and have a little relaxation. I did this. Went to my friend's house, about an hour away, spent the night, and went home the following day. As I was on the freeway, I get a call from my caretaker, that my aunt needs to go to hospital... cough got worse... I was hafway home. Called my wheelchair taxi guy. He got there a few minutes before me, and off to hospital we went.
This was easier than the time I took my child to a tournament in another state about 6 hours away... Saw the first game, and then the call came in... Got to come over right away..LO needs to go to hospital, fire department is here already...What a nightmare...
So, on this note, DO MAKE SURE YOU HAVE POLST and/or DNR set up. Do make sure your phone number, doctor's number, and other important phone numbers are visible. I have that information taped up over the bed of my loved one, in case anything ever happens again.... anyone can call me. Anyone can read her POLST. And everyone just knows... IT'S not a secret. It is posted....
This is the time to be open..make mom's wishes known..
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2020
Great answer! I agree. Be prepared.
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If she ends up liking it there maybe she would make the move. That is if she has the money.
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Just an update on this - My mom seems fine. She had a fit on the day she got there, told me to leave and was very upset. But now she has made some friends, likes the people working there and seems just as fine as when she's at home. Thank you guys! This caregiving business is so stressful and makes me and my mom irrational.
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surprise Jan 2020
So glad she's made friends! That takes the pressure off of you!
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Respite care is to give you a complete break. No need to visit her at all during this time.
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You need a break as you’re burnt out. I ended up taking a leave of absence from work when my husband went into a nursing home because I had reached my limit. The nurse practitioner told me that whatever my instinct was do the opposite - meaning if I thought I should be getting the house in order I should relax and read a book. You really need to do some self care over these four days. Mom will survive. ❤️
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And turn your phone ringer down or off,, just saying.. If they really need you they will leave a message . Tell mom you left the phone in the car, or the battery died.. whatever it takes to get some sleep! An spend at least some of your time off watching mindless TV or reading a good book.. not just doing chores! we just took my mom to my aunts for a few days.. I plan to spend some quality time with my Amazon Prime TV shows and a good cup of coffee,, and my hubs will too!
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You are doing an amazing job of caring for your Mother but just as everyone says, taking care of you is so important too 💜.

I am trying meditation, yoga & walk for a bit of self-healing. I'm trialling Smiling Mind & Headspace apps & I do YouTube yoga (Adriene from Texas is my favourite) but there are heaps out there. I'm also attempting a 'couch to 5K' program to get some fitness, energy & motivation back (via a podcast). All are free. My aim is to create space in my brain - more space for calm (& less space for the worries to circle).

I don't know what appeals to you but try to add a little kindness to yourself everyday.
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Oh please take this time for yourself. Four days isn’t that long. Won’t they have a television there? They have a community room where residents can watch a program if they like.

Do what you want to do for these four days. You need and deserve a break. Four days will go by quickly so take advantage of every minute. You can call the facility to check on her.

Enjoy your time to yourself! Hugs!
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My impression is you & your Mum are living the same life. That's why it's so hard to separate & even when you do separate physically (like respite), mentally you are still thinking & worrying. Reading these threads, you are certainly not alone - it seems to happen a lot. This over-caring thing.

But I am pleased you are taking the respite. Many don't & really burn out. Maybe getting that short respite, then taking a longer respite (ie for a holiday) & your own interests & hobbies would help get some perspective. And time to think about what you want too. Everyone needs their own life journey.
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thedaughter23 Jan 2020
Yes. I don't think my mom realizes how much of my life is only her. I basically do not have a life - everything is about my mom's happiness. She seems to lack empathy. Sure, she'll tell me she loves me and appreciates it sometimes, but I honestly don't believe her. I do not believe that the nursing home can make her as comfortable as I can. She needs her feet propped up, needs to be turned a certain way, needs the cover on her the exact way. She isn't going to get that. There is no heater either, which makes me think she's going to be cold.

I honestly do not know who I am. I mean, I know who I am, but I'm not allowed to be who I am. It's incredibly sad. In order to forget about how sad it is, I just continue to care. Because the alternative is really scary.
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My nurse told me to get a Figgy blanket...It is a blanket with patches, pockets, and doodles on it, for LO to touch and feel, and look at.. Keeping the hands busy...

You can buy them with monograms,which is nice...

Perhaps, I will make one that I can change out different things, and add to them...

It's a great idea to keep older hands busy...
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thedaughter23 Jan 2020
I'm googling it, but not really seeing anything. Is there another name for them?
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There are people in the facility who will take care of her. IF YOU NEED TO... CALL THE NURSES STATION AND ASK HOW MOM IS....
If you feel something awry.... then go see her... pop in and say Hi Mom, can't stay.. just dropped by after grocery shpping... I have frozen things that need to be put away... But I will call tomorrow to see how you are.
Your mom need to rely on the staff .
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Your visiting her everyday is overkill, and your are overthinking the entire process, your are awfulizing, doing this to yourself...for no reason...what's the point if you are going let her occupy your entire thought process? You might as well just keep her at home.

You have conditioned yourself to be her savior, to make everything perfect for her, that thought process is not realistic, nothing in her life or yours has ever been perfect... it is time to let go and take care of you, she will be fine, she is a big girl not a baby. Don't visit..geesh it's only a few days...
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thedaughter23 Jan 2020
My mom gets extremely upset over the smallest things. And she won't drop the matter unless I talk to her about it and soothe her. If I ignore her, which I'm afraid not visiting is, she will raise hell for days or bring it up out of nowhere. She will throw a fit for HOURS. I have lost sleep before over her fits.

I do cater to her too much and I do think that me always being there and always calming her down has been too much.
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Here is the definition of Respite: a short period of rest or relief from something difficult or unpleasant.

I strongly suggest you take this short period of rest and relief that you're getting..........and stop worrying. Worry is a waste of time and energy on something that's very unlikely to happen! This is time you won't get back, either, so may as well make the most of it. Your mother is a grown woman who will be just fine without your constant attention.

Good luck!
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Stop worrying about her and use your time to unwind, decompress, clean, whatever YOU want. You need this time for yourself.....she will be fine.
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DO NOT go visit her.

She WILL be fine.

Don't talk to her and you won't have to hear every stupid, petty complaint. Let the staff take care of her.

It is 4 days, even if she didn't have a TV at all she would survive. I know, I don't have a TV in my home and never will, we do just fine.

You are only responsible for her boredom because you choose to be.

It is called respite for a reason. Please take care of you for a change.
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You aren’t being unreasonable at all. Your mother is in a facility with a team of people to take care of her. Rest assured, she is fine. Enjoy your respite. Don’t pick up the phone if she calls. The facility will call you if there is a problem. You don’t need to visit here daily. She doesn’t have to be lonely and bored unless she chooses too. The facility has other residents and activities she can join. As far as a TV, if her room doesn’t have one she can always watch TV in the common areas. I know it’s hard, please for your sake, try not to think about what she won’t have and what she might need. She’s going to respite care for 4 days. She will be fine without you. Enjoy your respite!!!
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BTW, I put that backwards. I have respite care, not her. lol. Sorry.
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