My mom has lived with me many times in her adult life due to poor financial decisions, or when she and her husband were in chaos, or when she had surgeries she was recovering from. Her husband passed last year. She elected to immediately sell her house (mostly because she was financially under water and never liked where she lived) and wanted to "stay with family" in the interim. She lived with her sister for several months, until she got involved in a romance scam, and was asked to leave. She came to us next, the night my husband and I got back from our honeymoon. We cleaned up the romance scam mess, changed her accounts, got her into counseling, saw her through a hip replacement (I work full time and so does my husband- he works from home though and took her to all her PT appts til she could drive), took her to church with us each week, socialized with her, etc. She finally agreed to her own place in Feb (at 80 she is fully capable of living on her own but is starting to slow down and mobility is hard). It was a senior apartment with activities- two ladies befriended her immediately. All was well while there were still men talking to my mom online (she is desperate for a love relationship), but she did not make it 90 days in the apt. She turned in her notice, and expected to resume staying with family (us). I have 2 brothers, and her being with either long term is not an option, her sister said no again, so she is with my cousin on a ranch, 2.5 hours away from anything in her life. Anytime we try to plan with her, her answers are "I don't know." My work is taking me out of state for 18 mos, she will not be coming with us, and my extended family is flipping out. We are at our wit's end, our new marriage is very stressed, and we are not sure what to do with her next. My aunt and my cousin literally told my sibs and I "all that matters is that we take her in, love on her, and make sure she knows she has a place to stay." Her (in)actions have affected the relationships between all those who love her.
Family intervention of all family members involved ( you , your siblings , cousins , aunt ) is needed to tell Mom she needs her own senior apartment again . She has no right being a couch squatter from relative to relative . You all need to be a united front to her .
I’m assuming no one has POA to take over her finances ?? She may spend all her money to try to force someone to take her in . It may also be possible she has dementia and it’s not that noticeable since she has a history of bad decisions . You will know in time if things get worse .
“ I don’t know “, She either doesn’t want to make a plan to move out and/or she’s no longer capable of making a plan ( dementia ) . Either way she wants to live with you . Don’t do it , your marriage will suffer .
Its time for family to put down their foot. First, working. intelligent women fall for these scams too. Not saying you, but maybe someone could become her conservator and payee for her SS. This way he bills would be paid and just enough spending money. She would have no access to her accounts. Then an apartment she can afford. Hud has them where the renter pays 30% of their monthly income. She is told "this is it". She is no longer going to be able to live with relatives. She must remain in this apartment. If she needs resourses, like transportation, Call Office of Aging.
You have a new marriage to work on and a f/t job. Your Mom is where she is because of her and nothing you try to do will make her happy or be enough. Do not take her into ur home. She needs to live in her own.
Props to you for sticking to your guns this time and refusing to let her back in. She is playing games with the “I don’t know”. I’m sure she is lonely, but you aren’t the remedy for that. Sounds like she has had someone rescue her any time she’s done stupid things.
This trick is a triple whammy!
The hinter avoids the unpleasantness of having to ASK for what they want.
The hinter avoids responsibility.
Therefore, can later BLAME someone else.
I needed to be reminded of this trick today. Many many thanks 😊
Back off and let her adult. It’s not really any of your business.
So, a few things jumped out at me re: your message: You stated, "She finally 'agreed' to her own place in Feb." AGREED?? How about someone share with her that she doesn't have any other options! I think you need to take a different stance - you'd be doing your mother an injustice by making her dependent on others by living with any family members. The whole idea is for her to build an independent life for herself, meet new people, and thrive. If she lives with family, she'll become old much faster - it's not a punishment expecting her to live on her own - you're doing her a favor - and she needs to hear it as such.
You also said, "Anytime we try to plan with her, her answers are "I don't know." Well, I think you need to be stronger in this - she's stalling by saying "I don't Know" - it's very manipulating, actually. How does she not even take herself out of herself and want her daughter to begin her marriage in a better way?
So, there are no other options - no other family to live with - you should provide two options of senior communities for her to chose from - and that's it! Present it in a positive and exciting way. And next time her sister and cousin make comments, you should let them know that you're doing all you can to keep her young and independent and to begin a new life!
Wishing you all the very best ~
You have lived a life that became sadly very enmeshed with your mom's life. In all of the mix over the years you have lost boundaries between yourselves and your two separate lives. Your mother has never been an especially happy person, and her choices seem to have been poor choices. Somehow you feel that you are responsible for her happiness.
I personally think it's a wonderful thing that you will be leaving for 18 months. This may save not only your marriage, but your own life. If others walk into her web and thus become ensnared as you were, that is on them. You can't take on responsibility for the world.
Your obligation now is to your husband and to you marriage, to say nothing of to yourself, and that statement is what you need to tell your mother, and your extended family as well. If you need a good psychologist's support to help you step off your habitual path I hope you will get it.
You are an adult.
Choices for your OWN life now are yours.
And you are responsible for them.
If you CHOOSE to continue to be enmeshed with a mother whose happiness is forfeit by herself, then the responsibility for the waste of your own life and relationships is yours.
Stop thinking about others and what you can do about them.
Start thinking about yourself, your husband, your job, and the exciting move ahead of you. Provide them all with emergency numbers to reach out to and step away.
This is up to you. You have a lifelong BAD HABIT here. This won't be easy. But only YOU can do it. Good luck. And welcome to Forum, Daisy. If you stay I hope you will fill out your profile for us; it will help us to know you and to more fully answer your questions.
You won’t change what she wants. You have to change what she gets. Currently cousin (who she is currently living with) decides when and where she goes next. You might decide to change your locks, because you don’t want cousin turning up with her at your place, and bringing her in with a suitcase.
You need to decide what happens to your house when you are away for 18 months. Preferably it’s leased to strangers who are not going to let her in. Ending up at a shelter will come as a nasty shock to her, and to the rest of the family, but it may be the only thing that will shock her into changing. Taking her for a visit there might make that possibility look ‘real’. Your line is 'you are not going to live with us, and if you don't decide what to do, this is where you may end up. Take a look !'. Taking your aunt and cousin with you on the visit might also make them realise how serious this is - and you are.
There is no easy way to deal with this. It is bound to shock and upset everyone involved.
Even if this is the case, if you are not her PoA then you literally have no power to do anything -- nor should you. Without her being willing to go in for a cognitive/memory exam, no one can know for sure. My MIL had "apparent competancy", a phrase used by the social worker who assessed her for in-home services. I was with MIL when she had her basic cognitive test and was shocked at how poorly she did.
Your Mom is in the lap of your Aunt and cousin now. Do not ever take her back into your home if you're not her PoA. Eventually they will grow weary of trying to manage her. Then they will need to contact social services for their county and maybe she'll wind up with a court-appointed guardian who will then manage her affairs and make decisions in her best interests.
You aren't responsible for her happiness. You can't force any type of solution onto someone who doesn't cooperate. Focus on your new marriage, your husband, your own life.
I wish you clarity, strength, courage, wisdom and peace in your heart as you move forward in your life.
It is NOT up to you to help her or to make her happy. You have enabled your mom long enough now as have your extended family and now it's up to your mom to decide how she wants to live out her days apart from her family.
If you're wanting your new marriage to last and work you MUST keep a healthy distance from your mom, and I'm glad that you'll be heading out of town and away from your mom for 18 months, as that will be so good for your new marriage.
Let your mom figure things for herself and next time that she gets in a mess, please don't "fix" things for her as she will never learn as long as there is someone that will constantly step in to try and fix/enable her.
Your mom is a grown a$$ woman and will have to learn to live with her choices and mistakes by herself if you're ever wanting her to stop making poor decisions. And quit enabling her!!!!
So tell your aunt and cousin that if they're fed up with her that they'll have to tell your mom that and that she'll have to figure things on her own. It's called being an adult...even if it's taken your mom 80 years to be one. Better late than never though don't you think?
Live your life as you cannot live hers or do anything to make her right.
Leaving the senior living was her decision and now she has to figure out what to do.
Don't get pulled into this mess any further, your priority is you and your husband, not her.
Sending support your way!