As I have posted before, my mom is in a nursing home and desperately depressed. At least for the moment, given the level of care she needs, there are no good alternatives to the NH, but she does not accept that and says that if I don't get her out of there she will stop eating and drinking so she can die. I don't really think she can go through with it since she has been threatening to do so for several months and has not missed more than one meal in a day, but I am having a hard time knowing how to respond to her. To be honest, if I were in her position, I would want to hasten the end as well. So, I just tell her I understand and that I hope she feels better. Every time we have one of those conversations though (which is happening more and more frequently), it absolutely tears me up inside.
Life sometimes gives us lemons, and no amount of sugar can make lemonade.
That's the fact of aging and decline and I can totally understand her despair, but it isn't the NH she's not accepting -- it's her decline. She just thinks that going home will cure what ails her, but sadly, it won't.
Very well said.
Besides the antiDs, is there access to talk therapy? If she was open to it, a Psychologist or Councillor experienced in life changes can help her to adjust & turn her thinking.
Also (or instead if she refuses above) add in physio. It's amazing how adding in exercise can lift the mood over time. PTs can also motivate, help set goals & refocus her on what she can still do.
You can also tell her that this type of talk is hurtful to YOU, because you're trying your best to help her. It's not your fault she's old and sickly, either, so by speaking like this, she's adding to your stress and making YOU sick. Do you think appealing to her like that would help in any way?
Emotional blackmail such as what she's doing isn't fair to YOU, in spite of the fact that she's not happy in the SNF. What can you do to fix her situation? Nothing. You can try telling her that you empathize with her situation, but that you'll have to take a break from seeing her for a while if she insists on talking to you like this b/c it's causing YOU such distress. Put it back on her to stop the drama.
I'm sorry you are going thru this with mom, and sorry that she's so miserable with her situation right now. I sincerely hope the doctor can prescribe her something to take the edge off, because all this talk is toxic. Good luck.
Your Mom will make daily decisions now about how much she wishes to eat. That is a basic human right. If she doesn't wish to eat or drink she shouldn't be forced to.
But do encourage her to seek advice and help of her doctor.
I bet she is depressed but this is how it is. No one wants to live the end of their life in a NH. Are there activities she can join in on? Can you be there and take her to them. Maybe eventually she will go on her own.