My mom: Oh gosh. I love her, but I hate her and wish it would end!
Hello again,
Thank you again for all the replies to the question I posted earlier this month about my dad. I now rest easier knowing that I won't have to be his POA if his wife passes before him.
I have another question now about my mom. My dad left my mom and me when I was very young. My mom worked but her income wasn't that great so we had to move in with her parents. This was a tough situation. Mom had two older sibs who both lived in other states so everything about her parents was always on her. I loved my grandfather, but I didn't like my grandmother. She was one of those people who was very manipulative, mean, and demanding. If my grandfather said no about something then my grandmother would ignore him for weeks. My grandmother wasn't one of those touchy-feely types with me being a grandchild; I got the feeling that she couldn't stand me. I mostly stayed out of her way. My mom would sometimes speak up to my grandmother and then my grandmother would rage at her until my mom would cry and give in. I started to hate my grandmother at a very young age.
It was a relief when I got a scholarship and was able to go to college after high school. I met my husband at college. We eloped after graduation and he took a job out of state. I have never had to live in my home town again, for which I am enormously grateful.
My grandfather died a long time ago, but my mean grandmother lived to be 105. It seems the meanest ones live the longest. My mom was burdened with her mother until my mom was 81 years old. As my grandmother aged, she refused to leave her house. Mom was her slave until my mom started having physical problems and hired in-home caregivers for her mom. My mom used to call me sometimes during those tough years and tell me she wished her mom would die so she could have some peace.
About 2 years after my grandmother died, my mother started having more physical problems. She has a lot of conditions. I have health/durable POA for her. As time has passed, Mom has started acting more like my grandmother. She has gotten very demanding. She has no one who can help her, so I have had to go over there when she needed two surgeries. I hated every minute of it because she yells and screams when something isn't done her way. She has been assessed for cognitive decline but her PCP said nothing is wrong with her.
Last year she was also diagnosed with CHF. She got a darn pacemaker. She is 89 now and I wonder how long she will live because of the pacemaker and her mother living to be 105.
Last week she called and told me it's time for us to build her a room so that she can move in with us! She said that it's her turn to be taken care of and I'm her only child so it's my responsibility. She said I should take care of her in the same way that she took care of her parents. She went on and on about this.
I decided to be blunt. I told her it's impossible for her to live with us since she and my husband don't get along. I said, "My marriage comes first." I also told her that I'm having heart problems too and that the strain that would occur if she was to live here could put me in an early grave. I said, "Mom, I'm sorry, but the answer is no, absolutely not."
She hung up and I haven't heard from her since. I know I did the right thing, but I'm feeling so upset about it. I love my mom, but as her personality has changed I've grown to hate the way she acts - just like her own mom.
I feel like a horrible person, but I'm worried that she will be just like her mother in another way. That she will live damn forever. That it will go on and on and on...
Did I do the right thing in being so blunt? Or should I have handled it differently? Dragged it out and or something? I've cried a lot of tears since that phone call.
Your marriage must come first!
Your sanity matters, as well!
And those damn pace makers. They are putting them in old people like they are candy because they are now covered by medicaid and medicare and it's like a cash cow for the hospitals and doctors.
My FIL had a heart bypass yesterday and almost died during the procedure. This after his hip replacement surgery and he almost died from that with some heart issue. Unfortunately he had 7 doctors in the operating room and he is still alive. I can't imagine when or how many more surgeries or almost death experiences are going to happen before he finally goes to meet his maker.
I'm glad you think I did the right thing.
How old is your FIL? I can't imagine someone in their 80s getting bypass surgery. And 7 doctors in the OR?
I swear all this medical care for very old people is just overkill. And a waste of money too. It's going to get to the point where our health care will be rationed eventually; this just can't go on indefinitely.
Hugs to you.
You're predicting that my mom will start acting sweet and loving - ha, that's something I didn't even think of. I am now prepared; thank you for mentioning that.
Hugs to you.+
No, I didn't cry for long! The sadness about the phone call faded and I just got mad. I was full of despair at the thought of this dragging on for years and years because of the pacemaker.
My husband said she's not worth crying over because she sure doesn't cry about me or anyone else. He's right!
Hugs to you.
Yes, when you say "no" to people, they get mad.
That's their choice.
How LONG they wish to stay mad is up to them.
Just make a call and say "How are you? Thinking of you. Going to the store. Anything I can get you" or whatever. If she gets furious then that's fine. Just tell her to have a love day and go on your way.
You have been generationally trained. Yup, with all that medical science can offer she will either go on another two decades or leave early with a heart already failing. Not to be predicted. What CAN be predicted is the time you and hubby can spend together enjoying yourselves.
Your Mom is a grown up.
She is responsible for her behavior and the results of it.
You are an adult.
You are responsible for your choices.
Simple as that.
There's no perfection in this world. Sorry, but it doesn't exist. So you will all have to muddle along.
Keep protecting yourself. This is your ONE life. Make good use of it.
"Generationally trained" - yes, that is accurate because of all she had to do for her parents, especially her mom. My grandmother didn't even have a pacemaker, she just kept living and living. No one else in our family has ever made it past 88 until she did.
And now my mom has passed 88, and the damn pacemaker will keep her alive. It boggles the mind.
Hugs to you.
Mom can get Medicaid if she's low income. She can gets aides to help at home.
Hugs to you.
Plain and to the point language is not disrespectful.
If your mother is going to act like a petty child that's on her not you.
Of course you can help her move to AL or a senior community. You can be a big part of her life, but she cannot ever become your life.
Maybe it is time to remind her of all the miserable years she had to put up with her mother's nastiness and abuse until the age of 81. Then tell her that you know she doesn't want that life for you.
Hugs to you.
Some of my family members have sent texts/emails telling me that I should take her in. I've replied to them that my husband wouldn't be able to live with her, and that if they're worried about it that they are welcome to move her in with them. And that's the last I've heard from the busybodies.
Hugs to you.
If you could see me right now - a standing ovation!! So very proud of you for nipping it in the bud from the get go! Yay, Laura!!
You are my hero !!! You had the courage that a lot of us didn’t have.
There is nothing wrong with what you told her. They were honest, valid reasons . You stood up for yourself and your marriage .
You are feeling the way you do because of how she reacted . Do not take blame . Her hanging up and not talking to you anymore is a guilt trip . Do not give in .
Unfortunately, she will most likely never understand that her request is not a good idea , since she has come down with the incurable disease of chronic elderly selfishness.
When she cools off a bit , you could offer to help her find another solution .
I know it’s hard . A lot of us are in the same boat with the guilt trips . Stand your ground . (((((Hugs))))
Her mom was so abusive to her that she really believes she is "owed" the same. But refuses to see that she is now acting her mom all over again.
I will definitely stand my ground. Hugs to you.
Your mom is bitter because she had to care for her mom for so long. 105, wow! I am sure that she was exhausted all the time. No doubt, caregiving takes a toll on us.
I know how she feels. I was sick of being a caregiver too. My mom lived to be 95. I didn’t take out my frustration on my kids though.
I’m sorry that your mom is taking her frustrations out on you. None of what happened in her past is your fault. You are not responsible for her care.
I cared for my parents and my mother lived with us for a very long time.
BUT, hell will freeze over before I ask my daughters to care for me in my old age. No freaking way will I ever allow them to do so.
One day my daughters said to me that they would care for me like I did for my mother. I told them that I appreciate the offer but I was declining the help because I wanted them to live their own lives.
I loved my mom but I regret the choice that I made to move her into my home permanently.
Mom even regretted that I spent so many years caring for her. When she was dying in her ‘end of life’ hospice care home she started crying and said that she was sorry that I turned my life upside down for hers. I don’t ever want to be a burden to my children.
You are extremely wise to dodge this bullet. Your mom will find care elsewhere. She doesn’t need you to add a room onto your house.
Wishing you peace through this difficult time.
I've looked into my grandmother's parents. They both died fairly young, both passed in their 60. My grandmother never had to be a caregiver. I find it ironic that she lived so terribly long.
I'm glad your mom said what she did at the end; she knew her care was a burden to you. It didn't make up for all the years you spent doing it though.
My husband and I are like you ... we will not put our care on our children. We've made specific plans and they are in writing. And no implanted cardiac devices.
Hugs to you.
"When saying No, you are not responsible for the reaction you get"
(from Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud)
"No is a one word sentence"
My mantra "I am here to help people find a way, not be the way"
I agree with not calling my mom. I'm just going to let her think it over. She knows she has to come up with a different plan and it's going to take her a while to accept it.
Hugs to you.
Do not let your mother move in with you, but you can help her to find an AL facility and you can visit her there as often as you wish.
My family was faced with a similar situation with my mother. I stay in her home every other month so she was not alone at night but my two sisters did not want to rotate staying at the house in one month increments or take her in because our mother like yours is very difficult and mean. No one wanted to have her come live with them. She is a very very difficult woman which is putting it mildly.
My mother also has a pacemaker, received it last year. She just turned 95. She has CHF but she survived Covid. She, like your mother, could live to 104. I'm really hoping she does not. The worst thing my father ever did was to insist that she have one last year. She should've died a natural death because it was her time. Now she can live indefinitely like this for years. We placed my mother in the NH where my father (her husband is). She hates it but I was very blunt and clear that she needed to be here because she could no longer live alone and her daughters could not navigate the various crises that have been becoming more and more frequent.
You told her the truth. Do not feel guilty. I have no regrets with my decision either. At least my parents are together and my sisters and I have less stress. The past three years have been very hard for us.
I've read your other posts and the pacemaker caught my eye. Putting a PM in a 94 YO is so incredibly ridiculous. I'm glad your mom doesn't live with you or any other family members. Yes, your dad make the wrong decision.
My mom had the wrong decision too. I questioned it and told her it may not be the best thing, that she could drag on and get more miserable for years instead of passing peacefully. That was the first time that she screamed at me.
I'm so glad your parents are in a NH. I hope I can get my mom in a facility too. Hugs to you.
Hold to those firm, yet loving boundaries.
Do not ever let Mom come live with you and be so careful about how much you promise her you will do for her, if she remains in her home.
My MIL feels that she is 100% independent.
Truth?
Without 3 adults holding her up, she would last less than a week.
Her kids are too terrified of her anger and tantrums to do anything to make this situation better. I swear my SIL will literally die in service to her mom.
And MIL is NOT grateful. Just entitled.
I'm sick, sick, sick to death of this--and I don't do ANYTHING to help. Pretty much, I am a 'widow' as DH spends so much time at her place and so much time golfing to make himself forget he has this enormous burden.
IF they has moved her from rehab, last January, to a AL or SNF, she would have been mad, but she would have adapted. Now, instead, she is calling the shots from the comfort of her home and we're looking at yet another winter of working out schedules for her care & comfort.
If I ever bring this up--my DH goes ballistic and says "You do not understand!" Oh, but I do.
Narc parents are the worst. I can't say I hate my MIL, but I most assuredly do NOT love her.
Good for you!!!! You did the right thing. Keep on doing it, too!!
I can't understand why your DH and his sibs are so willing to be her slaves and be worked to death. Your DH needs some therapy, but I'm sure you already know that. It's terrible when people who we love become so old and sick that they take things out on their family members who are only trying to be helpful.
I hope your MIL passes soon so the family can have some peace and get their lives back. And your can get your husband back. Hugs to you.
PCPs are horrible at diagnosing dementia. She should see someone who specializes in this and maybe have a brain scan. Seems like something is certainly going on to cause her personality change. Maybe use that to open the door to opening up a conversation with her. "Hi Mom. I've been a little worried about you. I'd like to take you to the doctor so we can see if there's something going." Something like that?
Do some research into AL, if that's the appropriate level of care for her. Find 2 you like and see if she'll go to them or give her brochures. Does she live in a house or apartment?
Good luck getting to the next step with her.
I wanted to give an update to this crazy situation with my mom. I hope I am posting in the right place; I am still new on this site.
After my refusal to have a room built at our home, Mom didn't get in touch again. I eventually got a call from the hospital in her area saying she had to be admitted for suspicion of a heart attack, and she was going to be sent to a rehab center because she fell while hospitalized and was very weak.
I went to the NH about a week after that. My husband had business to finish up so I had to go alone.
The first day I saw her, my mom was on a roll. She was full of complaints about the NH. She also complained about a friend who had been helping her. The woman has been doing a lot for her. I said how nice that she has such a good friend, and my mom then told me that her friend is "too damn nosy for her own good" and "she smothers me". This got old in a hurry and I told her I had to go as I wasn't feeling well, and she said, "Of course you have to go. You ALWAYS have to go." I didn't respond and left.
I went back the next day since I had agreed to drive her to an appt. This is when things got bad.
During the drive she told me some gossip about a distant family member; I don't know that person very well so I asked my mom where she lives. She angrily replied, "She lives with her PARENTS and takes care of them. Like YOU should be doing. I took care of my parents because it was my duty. But you and (husband's name) are too selfish to let me live with you!"
I pulled the car over and just sat there for a few minutes. I said, "You could have left your mother's house at any time. I will not sacrifice my marriage or my health and let you live with us and destroy our peaceful lives. You need to make other plans."
That really made her mad and she started yelling. I can't even remember everything she said, but none of it was good and the one thing I definitely recall was that she called me a b***h several times.
And then I completely lost it - all the rage I felt toward her burst from me and I told her to shut the hell up. She said, "Don't you shout at me!" and I replied, "You deserve it! You let your hateful mother treat me like shit for years. And you never protected me from being sexually abused by ______ . Now you stop telling me you're going to move in MY house. We will NEVER let you live with us! EVER!
(I was sexually abused by one of her older brothers when I was 8 years old. My mom has never believed me about this. She has said so many hurtful things to me about it and has called me a liar multiple times. )
That got her quiet and I drove on to the appt., got her a wheelchair, pushed her inside, told the office clerk her name, and to call my phone when she was done. Later I got the call, got my mom, and drove back to the nursing home. Neither of us spoke. When I got to the facility, I asked an aide to take my mom to her room.
I then went to the director's office and asked if my mom could remain there full time. I was told I would have to make an application. I told the woman that I live out of state and it's too hard for me to tend to all this. So I told her to give my mom all that information and to please also give her a listing of local caregiver agencies. The director asked if I have POA for my mom, and I said yes, but that I will be giving it up since I am unable to do it any longer. I thanked her and left.
I drove home the next day (out of state, 6 hrs. away, thank goodness). When I saw my husband, I fell to pieces, and he calmed me down and has been so sweet and understands.
I called my lawyer's office and asked how to get myself out of being POA for her. He contacted my mom's lawyer and I will get the paperwork soon. She will have to get someone else to do it.
I feel so terribly guilty now. She is my mom and she is very sick. Maybe she's right and I really am a b***h. I just don't know. But I just can't stand any more of dealing with her.
My mil has her moments but she isn’t this bad yet. Both she and DH are only children.
"Sometimes, Dolores, you have to be a high-riding b***h to survive. Sometimes, being a b****h is all a woman has to hang on to."
Funny how your mom calls you a b***h when you won't knuckle under to her demands. Or when you speak up for yourself. Or demand respect.
If that's what classifies you as a b***h, then wear that badge proudly. Better a b***h than a patsy.