My Mom passed on Monday and my sisters are at each others throats...I need advice please!

My deepest condolences for the loss of your mother. It's very sad that your two sisters can't come together as a family to honor the memory of your mother. It's really very selfish because this is not about them. They both should be thinking about what their mother would want them to do at this time. Sounds like you've done all you can to keep the peace. Are there any other family members or close friends that you can call on for support? Maybe they will come to their senses and behave accordingly. They will regret not attending the funeral. Take care of yourself.

Emotions run high during a death; it is far easier to be angry than to cry. Anger is also a stage of grieving.

When mom died I opted for a simple cremation, no ceremony. When a person dies, that's it. They are gone.

Mom's ashes are in a beautiful wooden cigar box and kept in an antique cabinet at home.

The best thing to do for your mom is carry on and go on living. That's what she would want.

if your sister are so petty as to not go to there moms funeral. they are the ones who are losing out. they are the ones who are being so selfish to your mom. they are the ones who will regret it in the future. that they did not help your mom and now won't go to her funeral. you did your best in talking to them now it is on them. i am sorry for your mom passing away. at least she had one daughter with respect for her mom. you are a good daughter.

First, condolences. The passing of this significant person, a mother, is like no other...and while everyone grieves in their own way, anger actually IS one of the stages of grief. So let the sisters be angry. Whatever stage of grief you are in, let it play out as well. Don’t try to control them, you can only control yourself. And although you say you are “alone”, none of us are truly alone in this kind of darkest hour, so tap into your good friends and ask One or more of them for their help. Ask them to attend your mother’s funeral, not for her, for you. You deserve the support. As a will or trust may also bring out the “best” or “worst” in siblings, get a good attorney and pay them to take the heat. Stay out of it. It’s well worth the peace of mind. No more damage needs to be done at this trying time. Being as you can’t unring a bell, things said while under duress can do a lot of damage to an already fragile dynamic. Let the sisters calm down and grieve. You also need to work though it. Funerals are for the living. If one of the sisters refuses to go, she will have to make it up later if she wants to come through the grief process whole again. I wish all of you siblings luck in finding your own peace.

This is a terrible situation that your sisters have put you in. Trust Me - you are stronger than you think. You can handle this. They have their families to support and comfort them. You are handling your grief on your own. With a very long drive to make, Nothing should be on your mind but being with your mother at the funeral. Keep the house open to whoever wants to stay there As Long As You Stay There. No one can force you out. Let them sleep on the sidewalk if they want. For a sister to say F**k You At A Time Like This Is Unacceptable. I don't care how they are handling their grief and she may have said that out of grief but it is Still Unacceptable. Do you have a good close friend who would be willing to come with you? At any rate, make the trip, take your time, be safe and just be there at the funeral For Yourself and For Your Mother. Take Care Of Yourself. They will do what they want to do, it is out of your control and you should not have to deal with the drama. You have my deepest sympathy and I wish you well and only the best.

I'm sorry for your loss. My mother passed away in January. I learned a long time ago (after much anguish and heartbreak) that it was a waste of energy and emotional trauma to try to persuade anyone to attend family events to honor my mother (birthday parties, Christmas gatherings, etc). I called it "begging someone to have a good time". By the time my mother passed, I had decided to announce the funeral date and let it go. I didn't ask any family member to help with arrangements because I didn't want to hear any excuses why they wouldn't help. Instead, I asked a close friend to help with a specific task and she responded with an unconditional yes. Church members stepped in without being asked and filled in everything else. The day of the funeral was as untraumatic as possible. I didn't have any expectations of help from family. Family members did attend, more than I had imagined. As for the ones who did not attend (including the oldest granddaughter), I never asked them why or expected an explanation. The oldest granddaughter later stated that she regretted not attending. Well, I'm trying to say that you can go ahead and plan your mother's funeral and attend it on your own, without your sisters, and it will be all right. You will be all right. Your sisters must make their own decisions, and they will have to live with their own decisions. When I stopped trying to pull and push people to attend events for my mother when she was still alive, I felt a great rush of relief. By the time of her funeral, I was able to go through the experience without worrying what other family members were doing. I was surrounded by loving people who were there simply to honor my mother and to support me. I know it's difficult, but you can get through this. You take care of you. You will be all right.

Tell them, "your spat is not my problem. I am going to see that my mom is buried and mourned and you do what you have to do. You are the ones that will have to live with the consequences." My prayers are with you.

When you talk with either of them, nip it in the bud if they decide to talk about other sibling. Tell them NO MORE. If they can't say something nice, do not mention the other sibling. And if either of them tries to continue, tell them you have something to attend to and hang up. You end it. If you are consistent with that reply, they will get the message.

If both of them are so childish as to miss their mother's funeral to make a point to each other, so be it. Their loss. You can't fix that for them. The sister that is going to talk w/her husband to determine if they will attend - they already know the other sister is not attending, right? Sounds like one or both of them trying to get you to take a side. Like I said, don't play their games and if they don't attend, it's their loss. And it is very stupid and childish on their part.

For any other info that you need to share with them, send a group text or email that include their names and your own. Share the info. If they argue on the msg with each other, it's between them. Don't play the game that both of them want you to play. You have evidently played peacemaker for a long time. Give yourself a break and handle things the best you can. No one can ask more than that.

So sorry to hear about your Mother passing. Also, sorry to hear about your sisters fighting. Death brings out the worst in people, especially siblings for some reason.
First piece of advice: Quit being the go between. I have learned the hard way, just dealing with my adult children, who seem to always have one issue or another with each other. Every time I try to smooth things over, so my children will come and enjoy a holiday together, it always back fires. They even blackmailed my husband and I (like your sisters in a way - "we won't come if the other is there or she can't stay in the house"). One adult child said they wouldn't be coming over with their family and our grandchildren unless we told the other child to watch her kids at all times, and we as Grandparents couldn't play or hug the other kids while they were there. Childish behavior - just like your sisters.
Second: Lay down the law. Once we decided we wouldn't be the buffer anymore between the 3 siblings, we stated our views and made tough decisions.
We tell them now when and what times we will be doing different holidays, vacations or get togethers. We tell them they are all invited and we would love to see them all. However, we will not tolerate disrespect and rudeness in our home. If they choose to come we are glad, if they choose not to come, we let them know maybe next time. This was hard due to the grandkids as you can imagine. But we had to stick to our guns or always have this pettiness going back and forth and affecting the poor innocent cousins who love each other and always want to play with each other.
Third: Keep communication open with each of them, however, limited discussions about your family and their family. Try to avoid bringing in any discussions about the other families. Sometimes even uplifting or accomplishments about the other family breeds resentment.
Lastly, hold unto pleasant memories of your Mom and be glad she does not have to listen and see the childish behavior of her adult children. You can not force an adult to behave. You can point out to each of them how disrespectful this is to the memory of your Mom. That this is not the time for their mental abuse of each other or you. You would love that you could see all of them at this time and share your Mother's death and your grief together. However, we all make choices and have to live with those choices. Maybe they will change their mind and remember that it's about your Mom and not them for a change. Selfish people think about themselves and how things affect them and don't care about others. Say your peace and let it be.

Good, you be the Good daughter then....don't worry if they don't come, it is on them, not you. This will cause you less stress....as they would probably cause a scene between each other. I am sure you will have other relatives and friends visiting the wake and funeral than you will ever need. Forget the two bickering sisters, you just be where you've gotta be..

First of all, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. As far as your sisters go, DON'T let them drag you into their craziness. Their (sad) hatred for one another has nothing to do with you. You do what is best for you and leave your sisters be. It is their petty loss. Find support in your friends and other family members. With Covid, if I'm correct, only 10 people can attend a funeral. Take someone with you to support you and leave your dualing sisters where they are. Again, my condolences to you.

Dearest Hopeful4me, I have walked in your shoes. Your sisters will be at the funeral. They are just playing another on of their head games. As for you, after the funeral, consider yourself, "Family Free!" Shut that door! A window of opportunity awaits you. Keep your faith. Chin up, head high, smile as big as the sky. The best is yet to come! I'm in your corner. I'm on your side. My thoughts will be upon you. My prayer of peace goes out to you.

Do what you usually do and refuse to be in the middle. I am a middle that made peace for 56 years. I know your pain. Focus on saying goodbye to your Mother. Tell both sides you love them and cherish the good times you share. Understand their feelings, but do not give advice or try to talk them into anything. Let each one make her own decision. It is not your load to carry. I am sorry for your loss.

I had a similar situation with my sisters when my mom died 6 years ago. The most important advice I can give you is to let it go as soon as possible. You do not own their drama, their relationship with each other or their relationship with your mom. I allowed my sister's drama to define my Mom's death. Their drama, their inability to try to understand each other and to try to forgive each other complicated my grieving process as well as their own. It was in my thoughts for years and was an expenditure of my precious time and energy. It's not worth it! Rise above it!
Focus on the relationship you had with your mom and cherish the good memories of her. If you've planned a funeral or service follow through with it - it will provide closure. Your sisters are adults - they can be there or not - its up to them.

Imho, do not engage in acrimony.

Just because two people are fighting doesn't necessarily mean they're both at fault. I think that should be pointed out.

1.Grief is a lot of work. Make sure in the coming days and weeks that you turn your focus away from family drama and toward taking good care of yourself, eating well, resting, and practicing relaxation techniques.

2. Once a loved one dies, as emotionally devastating as it ican be, there is no emergency. Your sisters yelling in your ear maybe putting you in emergency mode, but keep reminding yourself that nothing here is an emergency.

3. It sounds like the triangulation with your sisters is an old family dynamic. With the death of a central figure of a family, like a mother, comes the opportunity to change unhealthy dynamics. Beyond repeating to both of them things like, "I love you both and cannot listen to you speaking ill of the other," "I don't know, you'll have to ask her," and "I don't think this conversation is going to help solve anything. I love you, and will talk to you later," please consider seeking supporti in understanding and changing your role in this triangle. You might need that for a little while as you navigate both your grief and this harmful, unfair situation with your sisters.

Good luck, and take good care of yourself.

get a 3rd neutral party to settle all.

Dear Hopefully,
You have no control over either of your sisters.....they have control of themselves and they alone will decide how they will treat you, your deceased mother and each other. You are not responsible for their actions. They are responsible for their own actions.
Personally, I would get on with my life because I own my life and I decide what I will do with that life. Naturally this is a trying time for you and you, too, have to get used to the sad fact that your Mother is no longer here. How would your Mother have wanted you to act toward your two sisters? You could try “to act” as your Mother would have wished but that is totally up to you.
Your two sisters dislike/hate each other.....not your problem it is their problem - and the problem is between your two sisters. Don’t place yourself in the middle....stand alone. Standing alone is something that you have done probably most of your life. Each life is different - one is not better or worse than the other - each life is unique.
Personally I would pull myself out of their equation and legally do the things that your Mother had asked you to do regarding your two sisters. If you do your best to fulfill your mother’s wishes you will have done the right thing and she would ‘thank you’ for it.
You can’t change your sisters, you can’t change other family member’s reactions. The only thing you have control over is YOURSELF. Love and respect yourself and move on...always going forward and only looking back occasionally at the relationship that you had with your Mother. I don’t know if it was a loving relationship or a relationship that was full of turmoil....either way keep moving forward in your own path. Allow your sisters to move along in their path and acknowledge that your paths may never meet again since your Mom is no longer here to act as a buffer. God Bless, Corvette2006

These two sisters are hateful, mean and spiteful - you stay out of it completely. Do not take sides. if one starts in, tell them you refuse to listen or say anything. End of statement. Be tough. And here is the hard part. I don't know the overall relationships between all of you but here is a good point. If what they are doing or saying does not stop at once, WALK AWAY AND DON'T LOOK BACK. If you stay, sooner or later, they will destroy you and your sanity - don't let that happen. They may be sisters but unless there is kindness and love and a good relationship, what on earth are you doing with them? L E A V E. And be glad if they don't come to the funeral. it might be hell with them there.

You got real good advice from the others. No drama, if you have a POA and an Executor already in place use them, hopefully they won't be your siblings. I was almost where you were but no cursing just no help from my brother. I was to the point where I was going to ask my Minister to tell him the day my dad would leave this earth. I used to hang up on my brother and then realized it's pointless and stressful. So, I stopped telling him things. I only spoke to him when dad asked me to just to keep the peace. When we talked it wasn't about dad. He was basically out of my life. He finally came around and is helping.
There are resources out there to help you such as Elder Options, depends on where you live. If a Veterans family seek out the Veterans administration, for a social worker someone who can heliport things out for you who is impartial.
As one of us said, do what you think your mother would want 'you' to do there is no emergency now. Just take care of yourself. Maybe one day you and your sisters will realize things and come together.
I had stepped back from some family members because of drama and hateful things but was contacted via Facebook by one cousin after 35 yrs and it's like nothing happened. Seek your higher power and have faith.
So sorry for your loss.

Don't worry about them just take care of yourself and attend the funeral. Be safe driving and pray for strength if you are a believer.

Remember your mom and do what she wanted.
They will have their own regrets and feelings they need to work through for themselves.
Unfortunately when family members die and there are belongs,money and other items peoples true personality comes to light. Just keep your head up and do the right thing by your mothers wishes especially if she had a will in place.
Tare care and God Bless. Sorry for your loss.

First my deepest condolences on your mother’s passing. I didn’t read others answers but I am thinking it might be time for you to get involved in their feud. Talk to each of them separately and don’t tell either who you heard first. There might be a very good reason they are feuding and then you decide for yourself, not for them, who is being unreasonable. And then drop it. Leave it alone. Tell each of them to do as they please but you want this time to grieve. Shame on both of them for being so selfish. They should at least be able to be civil for moms funeral. If they cannot, tell then neither is welcome. There are somethings you can do and somethings you cannot. Your sisters aren’t children. Tell them to shut the ... up. (excuse) Don’t allow them to stress you. Don’t allow them to drag you dow. Now at least you know why and you can let it go.
a wise Lama once said “In order to let something/an emotion go you must first own completely.” Own your stress and let it go.
Sending you love and light,
Sabrina

Without knowing more about your mom’s relationship with each of you and collectively it is hard to give advice.
There is very little you can do ... other than to honor your mom and do what you believe is best ... your sisters will have to live with their choices.
if there are pictures from a time in life when all four of you were happy and together I might send them both that picture with a hope that you could all be together one more time to honor your mom.
If this is about who got before and who gets what now .... you might ask them for a truce ... so you all can all mourn the loss of Mom ... hopefully with some of the good memories Of the past..

Good morning. I totally understand how you feel. Seems that the sibling sh*t hits the fan when a parent passes. We had same in my family, dad died, mom had a stroke and one of my siblings went off the rails regarding everything - how we took care of mom, money that she thought she was due, you name it. Still going on today - 10 years later (lawyers, courts, etc..).

The only advice I can give is talk with the friends that you have that you are close too, and try to think about yourself. It's a very hard time - take care of your needs first. Easier said than done - but try to avoid the negativity and don't take the bait by your sibling to rope you in or use you as a pawn.

Are you executor? That may be a nightmare process.

I'm so sorry to hear about the drama you are experiencing and being the middle child it can be hard to take knowing people who are suppose to be maure about all this is acting silly. Death brings out the worst in a lot of persons for various reasons. Some have some hangups on how mom treated one verses the other or they have something they know that you don't.

What ever it is you do, push forward and try your best to get past this and I'm sure it will pass. Do what you humanly can do to bring the family together if they are willing to conform to your wishes. If you have a close friend or someone close to mom ask if they can be there with you during this time or at the funeral. People although are now concerned with the social distancing so be ready to tell them what's in place for that during this time. Your mom is resting and know that she is not hurting. Stay Strong and maybe one day you can really see what the problem is between the two sisters, Maybe suggest therapy for them. Sorry for your loss.

I’m so sorry that your mom has passed away. That’s stressful enough but adding family drama doesn’t help at all. I’m praying for peace for you and your family during this time.

I once served as a go-between and peacekeeper between two adult siblings. Since childhood, their relationship routinely suffered a lot of ups and downs all the time and I truly thought I was just applying the bandaid until the next reconciliation. I always stuck to relaying facts only. Never did I go from one to the other with "Mary is upset because of ____" or "Susie feels disrespected when you do _____." It was always basic facts such as dates/times/events/etc. It was nothing that really took much time/effort on my part. Basically, I kept them in each other's loop (because they always reconciled eventually) and they were content with this situation as long as they didn't have to "waste time" talking to the other as it was so "painful right now" and blah, blah, blah. Most of their difficulties were over-dramatized and petty to say the least. To make a VERY long story short, these two siblings are now united against me and the whole group is in complete disarray. I maintained the relationship between them so they can push me out and gang up on me. It happens. I know relationship triangles are dangerous, but I was not (at the time) seeing that what I had was indeed a triangle. At this point, I am extraordinarily careful with relaying any information at all between two parties. Peacekeepers can make nice scapegoats to some, so I'm sure that's in play here as well.

don't forget..the funerals are mostly for the living. sadly to say, thought I had a nice funeral for my mom. a few days before my hub interogated me why I was having one at THAT PLACE. and basically my only living brother asked the same.
I was getting tired of the same old place that eveyone goes too. Seriously the last 7 funerals? :( I wanted something different and near the place I wanted to have lunch.
With all this drama... why do a "functional funeral"? I chipped my tooth over this. It was aweful... When my next loved one dies... I am NOT TELLING ANYONE, unless they ask. Yup.. Nobody call me for updates... Sop why the heck should I call when she dies?>>>> she has paid for the expenses 20 years ago..
My family, just is not worth typing about..........