My Mom passed on Monday and my sisters are at each others throats...I need advice please!

Hello: I know this probably won't matter, but family sucks when it comes to tragedy. My dad passed Oct., 2018. My parents have been divorced 30yrs. I've never seen my mom go through such stress, anxiety with us. Obviously, she still loved my dad despite everything else. I also am a middle child. A brother above me & a sis underneath me. 6 yrs under. My sus and i no longer talk. My dad's ira was left to my sister. Who knew. She gave my brother and i some, but decided to keep the rest. I've been grieving all alone along with attending to his property. I was appointed executor. Almost 2 yrs and estate in limbo cuz of Corona. I wish i could. keep money from her. Prayers to you and ur sisters!

Maybe attending alone will allow you to grieve, and maybe tune into your own emotional needs, without the distraction of siblings with problems that you can't fix. I really can't think of how you would benefit from their attendance, if their rhetoric causes you to feel stressed and anxious. You may want the support of family at such a time, but is that something they do?

Being alone isn't necessarily a bad thing, and it beats being in the middle of so much negativity. In the future, just refuse to engage. It's very inconsiderate and unfair of them to burden you and maybe it's best they stay away from each other, even forever. It's not your failure, after all.

I am sorry for your loss and pray that you will be still in contact with your sister either way.

I am so so sorry you having to experience this! I wish I could be there with you as support. My mother had the same problem when my grandmother was in the hospital. Four of her sisters ganged up on her because of the decisions she made, as the oldest, regarding my grandmother's health. My mother ended up with walking pneumonia because of the stress and not being able to rest. Future get togethers were tense for awhile. Thankfully, they were able to reconcile before my mother passed in August 2019. They were all at her funeral. I pray that you and your sisters will be able to work through whatever the issues are before it's too late. May you feel God's presence and peace in the days to come. I will be thinking about you and your sisters.

I am sorry for the loss of your mother. That situation must be very stressful to deal with. If your efforts to make peace between your siblings are not successful, try not to dwell too much on it. There's only so much you can do. Use this time to grieve over your loss and remember the good times with your mother. The memories are always there to carry with you everywhere. I would like to share a nice article that may help you during this time. It offers good, practical advice on how to deal with stress. https://www.jw.org/finder?srcid=jwlshare&wtlocale=E&prefer=lang&pub=g20&issue=202003 I hope you find it helpful. Take time for yourself too.

Hopeful4me, how are you doing?

Was your mom's funeral closure for you and a time of peace to say goodbye? I hope for your sake that it was.

I have two sister's as well, but I was the sole care giver and the youngest of the girls, had one brother younger. I too thought too much about those who didn't deserve to be thought of, and was cast about as the scapegoat for their selfish, self-absorbed, and careless behavior throughout the last years of my mother's life and greed to get their inheritance ASAP when she passed. You no longer have to worry about keeping everyone happy at the expense of your mental health, and need to look at what it means when your mother dies. I tried to keep my family happy for my mother's sake, I knew it meant a lot to her, I sacrificed my happiness, my life, my freedom and my future to take care of her, and do what needed to be done to keep my sisters happy. Well, they never cared about anyone but themselves, they took whatever my mother and I gave and kept coming back for more, when the time came that my mother needed them, they didn't have anything they would give her in return. So, if you worry whether they attend or get involved with the drama, you aren't responsible for their bad behavior. You do what needs to be done for your mother, you pay your respect to your mother, and you attend your mother's funeral, be your mother's legacy. So, when those who come to pay their respects to your mother, you will be there to listen and share, that is all you can do now for your mother. Your not alone, you are never alone, family is not always who shares your blood, sometimes family comes when you find those who care and stay by your side just because they want to, and they know you need them. They don't ask for anything from you in return, and they give selflessly and stand with you in your time of need. Just open your heart and eyes, they will come, and you will know your mother did not leave you alone in this world. I'm sorry for your loss, I'm excited for your future. Godspeed.

First, I want to offer my sympathy and condolences on the passing of your mom. I know what you are feeling and experiencing because I my mom passed away on the 9th of May and I am in a similar situation as yours. If you would like to talk or need me to listen I would be more than happy to. Perhaps we can help each other.

Oh wow a d so sorry for your loss and the drama. Unfortunately this happens all the time. You do you and don't fret because of the way they feel. They will regret it later for their choices. And unfortunately this is not over. Until every tid bit is gone of your moms, their will be strife. Wish there was better information to give.

Oh wow a d so sorry for your loss and the drama. Unfortunately this happens all the time. You do you and don't fret because of the way they feel. They will regret it later for their choices. And unfortunately this is not over. Until every tid bit is gone of your moms, their will be strife.

So sorry for your loss! Losing a mother is devastating especially for daughters. I just lost mine as well 5/17/2020 due to CoVID 19. Heartbreaking. I only have a brother 16 months younger than myself. We have totally different personalities. I am calm and my brother is uptight. We fight all the time. He is very difficult to have a conversation with on the telephone. I live 5,500 miles from him and where my Mother's retirement home was. I have been just been calm, not let it affect me and know I just need to get through cleaning her place, burial and completing her estate stuff and will only have to deal with him when I want to in the future. So this is the light to the end of the tunnel. If you can be stay positive and not be reactive to your sisters complaining. Yes easier said than done. Your Mother would want you to get along and celebrate her life at this time. Also keep in mind everyone is grieving and they deal with it differently. You can only control you and no one else. Good luck and my deepest condolences!

I would just tell both sisters they are giving you a lot of anxiety and you just want to get through the funeral without any drama. Then I would continue with your plans as they are. This is time you need to grieve. Your younger sister needs to grow up.

I don’t have much advice except to say my father also passed away on Monday. I am very sorry for your loss. This whole process is hard enough without all that extra drama. Just try to do the best you can knowing you did what you could - you’re not responsible for either of your sisters. I’m so sorry.

I'm sorry for your loss. A lot of comments suggest you ditch both sisters, but I see your older sister just trying to live her life -- like you; she's trying to avoid drama, too. I see no reason to turn your back on OS to "prove" to YS that you're not taking sides. I've been in that situation, and it hurt a lot when family shunned me because my YS blamed me for an event I had nothing to do with.

To bring this back to you, I'm pleading a case for OS as a victim of YS's anger. It sounds like you can still enjoy OS in your life while YS gets over herself, if she chooses to. Please consider staying with your plan, ignoring YS's tantrum as though it were not your problem. Which it isn't. God bless.

I am so sorry this is happening.. but as I just funeralized my mother on July 08,2020.

I say get through this period and carry out your mom's wishes as best as you can. Let those two deal with their own mess.

I pray your continued strength and peace in the mist of this process.

don't forget..the funerals are mostly for the living. sadly to say, thought I had a nice funeral for my mom. a few days before my hub interogated me why I was having one at THAT PLACE. and basically my only living brother asked the same.
I was getting tired of the same old place that eveyone goes too. Seriously the last 7 funerals? :( I wanted something different and near the place I wanted to have lunch.
With all this drama... why do a "functional funeral"? I chipped my tooth over this. It was aweful... When my next loved one dies... I am NOT TELLING ANYONE, unless they ask. Yup.. Nobody call me for updates... Sop why the heck should I call when she dies?>>>> she has paid for the expenses 20 years ago..
My family, just is not worth typing about..........

I once served as a go-between and peacekeeper between two adult siblings. Since childhood, their relationship routinely suffered a lot of ups and downs all the time and I truly thought I was just applying the bandaid until the next reconciliation. I always stuck to relaying facts only. Never did I go from one to the other with "Mary is upset because of ____" or "Susie feels disrespected when you do _____." It was always basic facts such as dates/times/events/etc. It was nothing that really took much time/effort on my part. Basically, I kept them in each other's loop (because they always reconciled eventually) and they were content with this situation as long as they didn't have to "waste time" talking to the other as it was so "painful right now" and blah, blah, blah. Most of their difficulties were over-dramatized and petty to say the least. To make a VERY long story short, these two siblings are now united against me and the whole group is in complete disarray. I maintained the relationship between them so they can push me out and gang up on me. It happens. I know relationship triangles are dangerous, but I was not (at the time) seeing that what I had was indeed a triangle. At this point, I am extraordinarily careful with relaying any information at all between two parties. Peacekeepers can make nice scapegoats to some, so I'm sure that's in play here as well.

I’m so sorry that your mom has passed away. That’s stressful enough but adding family drama doesn’t help at all. I’m praying for peace for you and your family during this time.

I'm so sorry to hear about the drama you are experiencing and being the middle child it can be hard to take knowing people who are suppose to be maure about all this is acting silly. Death brings out the worst in a lot of persons for various reasons. Some have some hangups on how mom treated one verses the other or they have something they know that you don't.

What ever it is you do, push forward and try your best to get past this and I'm sure it will pass. Do what you humanly can do to bring the family together if they are willing to conform to your wishes. If you have a close friend or someone close to mom ask if they can be there with you during this time or at the funeral. People although are now concerned with the social distancing so be ready to tell them what's in place for that during this time. Your mom is resting and know that she is not hurting. Stay Strong and maybe one day you can really see what the problem is between the two sisters, Maybe suggest therapy for them. Sorry for your loss.

Are you executor? That may be a nightmare process.

Good morning. I totally understand how you feel. Seems that the sibling sh*t hits the fan when a parent passes. We had same in my family, dad died, mom had a stroke and one of my siblings went off the rails regarding everything - how we took care of mom, money that she thought she was due, you name it. Still going on today - 10 years later (lawyers, courts, etc..).

The only advice I can give is talk with the friends that you have that you are close too, and try to think about yourself. It's a very hard time - take care of your needs first. Easier said than done - but try to avoid the negativity and don't take the bait by your sibling to rope you in or use you as a pawn.

Without knowing more about your mom’s relationship with each of you and collectively it is hard to give advice.
There is very little you can do ... other than to honor your mom and do what you believe is best ... your sisters will have to live with their choices.
if there are pictures from a time in life when all four of you were happy and together I might send them both that picture with a hope that you could all be together one more time to honor your mom.
If this is about who got before and who gets what now .... you might ask them for a truce ... so you all can all mourn the loss of Mom ... hopefully with some of the good memories Of the past..

First my deepest condolences on your mother’s passing. I didn’t read others answers but I am thinking it might be time for you to get involved in their feud. Talk to each of them separately and don’t tell either who you heard first. There might be a very good reason they are feuding and then you decide for yourself, not for them, who is being unreasonable. And then drop it. Leave it alone. Tell each of them to do as they please but you want this time to grieve. Shame on both of them for being so selfish. They should at least be able to be civil for moms funeral. If they cannot, tell then neither is welcome. There are somethings you can do and somethings you cannot. Your sisters aren’t children. Tell them to shut the ... up. (excuse) Don’t allow them to stress you. Don’t allow them to drag you dow. Now at least you know why and you can let it go.
a wise Lama once said “In order to let something/an emotion go you must first own completely.” Own your stress and let it go.
Sending you love and light,
Sabrina

Don't worry about them just take care of yourself and attend the funeral. Be safe driving and pray for strength if you are a believer.

Remember your mom and do what she wanted.
They will have their own regrets and feelings they need to work through for themselves.
Unfortunately when family members die and there are belongs,money and other items peoples true personality comes to light. Just keep your head up and do the right thing by your mothers wishes especially if she had a will in place.
Tare care and God Bless. Sorry for your loss.

You got real good advice from the others. No drama, if you have a POA and an Executor already in place use them, hopefully they won't be your siblings. I was almost where you were but no cursing just no help from my brother. I was to the point where I was going to ask my Minister to tell him the day my dad would leave this earth. I used to hang up on my brother and then realized it's pointless and stressful. So, I stopped telling him things. I only spoke to him when dad asked me to just to keep the peace. When we talked it wasn't about dad. He was basically out of my life. He finally came around and is helping.
There are resources out there to help you such as Elder Options, depends on where you live. If a Veterans family seek out the Veterans administration, for a social worker someone who can heliport things out for you who is impartial.
As one of us said, do what you think your mother would want 'you' to do there is no emergency now. Just take care of yourself. Maybe one day you and your sisters will realize things and come together.
I had stepped back from some family members because of drama and hateful things but was contacted via Facebook by one cousin after 35 yrs and it's like nothing happened. Seek your higher power and have faith.
So sorry for your loss.

These two sisters are hateful, mean and spiteful - you stay out of it completely. Do not take sides. if one starts in, tell them you refuse to listen or say anything. End of statement. Be tough. And here is the hard part. I don't know the overall relationships between all of you but here is a good point. If what they are doing or saying does not stop at once, WALK AWAY AND DON'T LOOK BACK. If you stay, sooner or later, they will destroy you and your sanity - don't let that happen. They may be sisters but unless there is kindness and love and a good relationship, what on earth are you doing with them? L E A V E. And be glad if they don't come to the funeral. it might be hell with them there.

Dear Hopefully,
You have no control over either of your sisters.....they have control of themselves and they alone will decide how they will treat you, your deceased mother and each other. You are not responsible for their actions. They are responsible for their own actions.
Personally, I would get on with my life because I own my life and I decide what I will do with that life. Naturally this is a trying time for you and you, too, have to get used to the sad fact that your Mother is no longer here. How would your Mother have wanted you to act toward your two sisters? You could try “to act” as your Mother would have wished but that is totally up to you.
Your two sisters dislike/hate each other.....not your problem it is their problem - and the problem is between your two sisters. Don’t place yourself in the middle....stand alone. Standing alone is something that you have done probably most of your life. Each life is different - one is not better or worse than the other - each life is unique.
Personally I would pull myself out of their equation and legally do the things that your Mother had asked you to do regarding your two sisters. If you do your best to fulfill your mother’s wishes you will have done the right thing and she would ‘thank you’ for it.
You can’t change your sisters, you can’t change other family member’s reactions. The only thing you have control over is YOURSELF. Love and respect yourself and move on...always going forward and only looking back occasionally at the relationship that you had with your Mother. I don’t know if it was a loving relationship or a relationship that was full of turmoil....either way keep moving forward in your own path. Allow your sisters to move along in their path and acknowledge that your paths may never meet again since your Mom is no longer here to act as a buffer. God Bless, Corvette2006

get a 3rd neutral party to settle all.

1.Grief is a lot of work. Make sure in the coming days and weeks that you turn your focus away from family drama and toward taking good care of yourself, eating well, resting, and practicing relaxation techniques.

2. Once a loved one dies, as emotionally devastating as it ican be, there is no emergency. Your sisters yelling in your ear maybe putting you in emergency mode, but keep reminding yourself that nothing here is an emergency.

3. It sounds like the triangulation with your sisters is an old family dynamic. With the death of a central figure of a family, like a mother, comes the opportunity to change unhealthy dynamics. Beyond repeating to both of them things like, "I love you both and cannot listen to you speaking ill of the other," "I don't know, you'll have to ask her," and "I don't think this conversation is going to help solve anything. I love you, and will talk to you later," please consider seeking supporti in understanding and changing your role in this triangle. You might need that for a little while as you navigate both your grief and this harmful, unfair situation with your sisters.

Good luck, and take good care of yourself.

Just because two people are fighting doesn't necessarily mean they're both at fault. I think that should be pointed out.