She has six children and many grandchildren but very few rarely visit her, much to our frustration. My sister lives with her and cares for her. My mom gets anxious with too many people around but we do want to celebrate her birthday. Any suggestions?
Not terribly clever, but we arranged with the SNF to reserve a sort of party room at the facility, invited his siblings, nephews, other close friends, bought a cake all tht.
I know you said your mom gets nervous with many visitors, but perhaps a few close ones?
While my dad was losing it by then, we wheeled him in and he loved it . You could tell he suddenly came to and recognized people and when they were swapping old stories from the past he didn't necessarily join in but you could tell he was following the conversation and knew what they were talking about (kind of a side, but some of the stories were how hobos wandered by their farm during the depression and my grandma would feed them, and the kids had funny names for all the hobos and how they had favorites)
We sang Happy Birthday and my dad joined in happily, not totally realizing it was him we were singing to. He had a great time, and he died less then two months later, so happier memories on his last birthday.
Her sister who lives in another state asked if she should send a card or call. Okay, she asked, so I gave her more suggestions: send a card because my mom no longer knows how to answer her phone, and include a letter about how everyone is and photos that I can talk about with her, especially photos of my cousin's dogs - my cousin lives with my aunt and uncle and always has beautiful dogs. My mom loves dogs and she remembers my cousin when I tell her about the dogs. I really enjoy when memories float back. It may seem to my aunt a lot to ask for, but I've decided that when someone actually steps up enough to enquire about my mom, I'm going to give them a suggestion on how they might help in the smallest way I can think of. Maybe, probably not, but maybe they'll do it and more.
Have any of the absentees made enquiries about what's happening on their mother's/grandmother's big birthday? I'm wondering if you're safe to assume that they will get their finger out for the occasion, or not so much.
Then cake, balloons, flowers, Champagne if she likes it, you and your sister put on your Sunday best clothes, display her cards nicely, play her all-time favourite music, and away you go. May she have the loveliest day!
[As far as possible don't create extra work for your sister; it would be nice if all she had to do all day was sit by your mother and share. If you can corral willing grandchildren into catering and cleaning up in the background - using your best kind-but-firm aunt technique - so much the better.]
I think a nice party with just you and sister would be enough. Maybe with ur kids attending. Her favorite meal with a cake for dessert. Could have birthday plates and tablecloth.
I would contact everyone by email or a note. Explaining that Moms ALZ has approached the stage where a big party would be too overwhelming for her. That you plan on a small one in her home. That you realize that all can't make it but she can enjoy cards, flowers, a phone call, etc. Even a picture of their families together so she has something to look at daily. You may be surprised, some may want to be there. Keep her in her comfort zone.
When Mother (vascular dementia) was in an ALF and more able, we invited family (about 14 people) for her 104th and had snacks, coffee and juice, and an ice cream cake. She recognised everyone and enjoyed it and the bake, though wasn't able to interact. The next year there were only 3 people there, she was more tired, and we just got her an ice cream sundae. For her last birthday, 106th, her dementia was more advanced, she was not happy much of the day, only my sis and I and our partners were there and she had ice cream. Each time we gave her flowers as well. I don't know that the last two years she knew it was her birthday, but it was special for her having close family there and having a treat..
My suggestion would be to have a few people and serve something simple that your mother likes and can manage, give her flowers (if she likes them). It is not about the guests, it is about making your mother feel special.
See All Answers