She has six children and many grandchildren but very few rarely visit her, much to our frustration. My sister lives with her and cares for her. My mom gets anxious with too many people around but we do want to celebrate her birthday. Any suggestions?
About a month ahead of time, I wrote our local representative who sent a beautiful color congressional certificate in honor of her 95th birthday
If your caretaker sister is not available on one of the selected days, you go over there and help with the sibling visitation. Like I said, caretaker sister should not have ANYthing added to her plate. In fact, if any of the siblings ask what to get your mom as a gift - maybe hire someone to come to the house to do her hair and/or nails. They could also consider doing something nice for caretaker sister - commit to stay a weekend so sister can go somewhere (and they pay for the trip), pay for sister to do hair/nails, something to show their appreciation for the difficult 24/7 job she does for all of them.
The dust catcher gifts are not needed and really have little meaning to folks as they age. A family picture so she can remember faces is nice. Clothing that others buy is often not something she would wear - give sister the money to go buy what she already knows will work. (It's very aggravating when people grab stuff off the rack and I end up having to run all over the place...using what little personal time I get...to exchange items).
If no one is interested, don't get in to the drama with them - everyone is busy, but we all manage to set dr appointments/dates when we need them. These children of hers can, too. If they choose not to participate, so be it. You tried. Have a small celebration, ask a neighbor she remembers, and just move on. You cannot make all siblings get involved. Don't frustrate yourself.
I love the outdoors, so I automatically think of the park. People can bring different dishes for a potluck, tables can be decorated with birthday fair and you can set up a shade screen off to the side with a good view of it all so that mom can be queen for a day and people can come over in 1s and 2s to wish her well and happy birthday. Maybe someone has a cot that could be borrowed and you can make it nice and comfy if she feels like a nap, alligator clips and sheets can be attached to the shade to create privacy. Maybe some silly games, like balloon pass can be played so she can enjoy watching others having enjoyment.
Sounds like a lot, but 3 people dedicated to pulling it off would be good, more is better but it can be simple with grilled hotdogs, potato salad, chips, drinks, cake and ice cream. Paper plates, dollar store decorations and balloons.
Picnic parties are probably something she participated in as a child.
🎉🎊🎂Happy 90th Birthday to your mom!🎊🎉🥂
Kudos to your sister and you for caring enough to make this special day memorable.
When Mother (vascular dementia) was in an ALF and more able, we invited family (about 14 people) for her 104th and had snacks, coffee and juice, and an ice cream cake. She recognised everyone and enjoyed it and the bake, though wasn't able to interact. The next year there were only 3 people there, she was more tired, and we just got her an ice cream sundae. For her last birthday, 106th, her dementia was more advanced, she was not happy much of the day, only my sis and I and our partners were there and she had ice cream. Each time we gave her flowers as well. I don't know that the last two years she knew it was her birthday, but it was special for her having close family there and having a treat..
My suggestion would be to have a few people and serve something simple that your mother likes and can manage, give her flowers (if she likes them). It is not about the guests, it is about making your mother feel special.
I used Edible Arrangements.
Different sizes depending on your budget.
I selected a medium size fresh fruit arrangement.
Its been months since the birthday and it was appreciated by all.
(Mother in assisted living. The group including staff and guests and residents all enjoyed fresh fruit for days.
Not terribly clever, but we arranged with the SNF to reserve a sort of party room at the facility, invited his siblings, nephews, other close friends, bought a cake all tht.
I know you said your mom gets nervous with many visitors, but perhaps a few close ones?
While my dad was losing it by then, we wheeled him in and he loved it . You could tell he suddenly came to and recognized people and when they were swapping old stories from the past he didn't necessarily join in but you could tell he was following the conversation and knew what they were talking about (kind of a side, but some of the stories were how hobos wandered by their farm during the depression and my grandma would feed them, and the kids had funny names for all the hobos and how they had favorites)
We sang Happy Birthday and my dad joined in happily, not totally realizing it was him we were singing to. He had a great time, and he died less then two months later, so happier memories on his last birthday.
I think a nice party with just you and sister would be enough. Maybe with ur kids attending. Her favorite meal with a cake for dessert. Could have birthday plates and tablecloth.
I would contact everyone by email or a note. Explaining that Moms ALZ has approached the stage where a big party would be too overwhelming for her. That you plan on a small one in her home. That you realize that all can't make it but she can enjoy cards, flowers, a phone call, etc. Even a picture of their families together so she has something to look at daily. You may be surprised, some may want to be there. Keep her in her comfort zone.
Have any of the absentees made enquiries about what's happening on their mother's/grandmother's big birthday? I'm wondering if you're safe to assume that they will get their finger out for the occasion, or not so much.
Then cake, balloons, flowers, Champagne if she likes it, you and your sister put on your Sunday best clothes, display her cards nicely, play her all-time favourite music, and away you go. May she have the loveliest day!
[As far as possible don't create extra work for your sister; it would be nice if all she had to do all day was sit by your mother and share. If you can corral willing grandchildren into catering and cleaning up in the background - using your best kind-but-firm aunt technique - so much the better.]
Her sister who lives in another state asked if she should send a card or call. Okay, she asked, so I gave her more suggestions: send a card because my mom no longer knows how to answer her phone, and include a letter about how everyone is and photos that I can talk about with her, especially photos of my cousin's dogs - my cousin lives with my aunt and uncle and always has beautiful dogs. My mom loves dogs and she remembers my cousin when I tell her about the dogs. I really enjoy when memories float back. It may seem to my aunt a lot to ask for, but I've decided that when someone actually steps up enough to enquire about my mom, I'm going to give them a suggestion on how they might help in the smallest way I can think of. Maybe, probably not, but maybe they'll do it and more.
We've quit trying to mark anniversaries and b-days for mother. We plan them and she inevitably 'gets sick' the day before the event. And we've put money down on food or a venue....I am still a little steamed I put $1000 down on a beachfront property for mother's 85th birthday and she pulled out 3 weeks before--but I couldn't get even a partial refund.
Sis tried to get us together on mother's 88th b-day and same thing happened, but she hadn't DONE anything to prep--it was to be at her cabin.
Much as mother SAYS she wants to see the family she really wants to see about 10 out of the group of 70 that comprises "our family". I guess the favored 10 could go to lunch with her. (I wouldn't be invited).
If your mother would enjoy this kind of thing and wouldn't be too tired out or upset unduly by the fuss, and you'd enjoy doing it, then go ahead.
Make is very simple and as short as you can. When mother does show up for something, she stays 20-30 minutes and wants to go home.