Follow
Share

She thinks the funeral is the next day. She is in memory care and has dementia. She can't let go of this. She asks who is coming and when is the service. It's very hard not to talk about the funeral. I also try not to give her a date but she keeps pushing. I want to explain that her mom died many years ago. But I have been urged not to.

She seems very concerned about this funeral. Explaining her mom died years ago could just confuse her more. Instead, when she asks about the funeral, you can let her know, "We already had the funeral". Talk about who was there.
She may want to indulge in nostalgia and express her memories of her mom.
Even if she thinks it was just yesterday.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to CaringWifeAZ
Report

We had an uncle in that condition, so every time he asked when the event would be, his caregivers would say, "That's next Tuesday. We'll be sure to help you with that." He'd say, "Oh. Okay." Problem solved for the moment.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to SusanM56
Report

Doubt it would do any good to tell her that her mom has been gone a long time. She believes it as more recent, which tells you about where her memory is at this time. The brain is broken at this point and even if you told her the truth, her brain is sitting at a period of time a long time ago. Since she thinks funeral is 'tomorrow', then let that stand. Every day and every time you see her, just say it's tomorrow and you aren't sure who is coming yet. Then drop a new subject.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to my2cents
Report

The best thing would be to talk to her as if the funeral is going to be soon. If she's in Memory Care and has dementia, she will not retain what you discussed with her in any case. Each time she brings it up, go with the flow. It'll help keep her calm and maybe talk of something else before she goes back to the funeral. Right now my mother is fixated on PT and OT. She has a fit if they haven't come to get her. I have put on her calendar that she doesn't have therapy on Saturdays and Sundays. I have put those two days in a different color. Her favorite is blue so they are in blue. That usually calms her down enough to go back to sleep.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to uarew6
Report

Share photos of the past with your mom. Any funeral pictures may help, but dementia is a broken brain condition. Check with her doctor.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Patathome01
Report

Maw2024: When my mother pointed to empty chairs at social functions, I didn't quite grasp it so I asked why she was pointing. Her response = "L used to sit there," almost like an obsession with the departed.

Speak to your mother's doctor for medication.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Llamalover47
Report

It's always wise to go along with them,humor them. It might be getting old for you but it's in their head. I like the idea of a picture, maybe of the two of them, in her room. Now, I might be going out on a limb here but....find a way to put a halo on her sisters head and ask mom "what's that?" She's an angel mom,she's in heaven. The more she sees it, it will likely sink in. Don't forget to tell her how happy sister is, no pain (any physical ailments she had). Crazy, I know, but we're getting pretty good at crazy,aren't we?
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to JuliaH
Report

Aw yeah, I remember these moments….. so what I’m about to say, this may not be for you but wanted to share a nice story of hope. (Cue kleenex.)

My Aunt Sue with dementia (83) flew in from out-of-state, with her son, to see her beloved brother. (Because uncle did not have a spouse nor children, we needed Aunt Sue to help with formal documents as his only next of kin.) When he hadn’t appeared in his house, she asked, “Where’s Ben?” Her son gently reminded her that uncle had passed away. Aunt Sue immediately froze quiet, surprised at the news, & then embarrassed that she didn’t know while the rest of us continued with business. We paused for any dramatic reaction, but luckily none, so we resumed with our tasks. Uncle’s sweet dog Shane thankfully distracted her from the discovery; Shane was our best senior-sitter!

Aunt Sue asked the next day, & the next, the same thing, but only once a day. On the 4th day, I thought to try a different approach & calmly answered her, “Aunt Sue, Uncle Ben moved to Heaven. (They were Catholic.) Uncle is happy at his new home. You know him, he likes to quietly slip away, no grand exits. (True) He loves you & wants you to live well. And we’ll take good care of Shane.” She nodded with a smile, and miraculously never brought up that question for the rest of her visit. Her son & his family, back home with her, kept Aunt Sue busy & safe until her last breath. We can only imagine hers & uncle’s happy reunion…💕

p.s. Shane too lived happy & safe until his last breath. Imagine his reunion with Uncle Ben & Aunt Sue… incredibly joyous!! Maw2024, we wish you the same joyous journey for you and your mom.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to CaringBee
Report

Go into her world. Go along in what she ask. If she talks about the funeral go along as if you were making the plans
Talk about her. You would be surprised with the memories. You can’t argue with someone with dementia because to them it’s all real. I have a motto I always use as a professional caregiver. They are always right and you are always wrong
My prayers are with you
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Sheila74
Report

Speak to doctor first but maybe a picture of her mother’s grave in. Nice frame and you say when she brings it let’s say a prayer fur mum or dedicate a song for a few minutes silence
of speak to her doctor first tho
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Jenny10
Report

Mom already knows her mother died. It's not like you're breaking the bad news to her by telling her the truth......that it was long long ago her mother died, not recently. She may actually relax a bit after hearing that. If not, ask her doctor for some Ativan. My mother was obsessed with her dead relatives when she was 95 with advanced dementia, insisting I was hiding them in the closets at her Memory Care ALF. Ativan worked pretty well in calming her down. She still repeatedly asked about them, but wasn't as agitated as to their whereabouts. Dreadful thing dementia.

Best of luck to you.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to lealonnie1
Report

Once my mom was sure the relatives (all dead) were coming from Iowa to visit. She wanted the windows covered and the house quiet and for me to not answer the door when they arrived. She remembered her relatives being loud and obnoxious. I tried telling her they were dead. I tried telling her they weren't coming. This went on for days, then one day I came home from work and found her sitting in the living room all dressed up with windows open, light poring into a house all neat and tidy, with the home care lady baking a cake for for the relatives, as they would be arriving soon. She had decided to let them in. She eventually forgot about it. Later on in memory care, the only thing that worked with my mom when she would become fixed on something that she thought she had to do was to tell her I'd do it for her. "Don't worry, Mom, they aren't going to let you leave right now, so I'll take care of it". Luckily, she'd always accept that. Sorry this is going on for you, Maw, but she will eventually forget it and move on to another imagined worry.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to ArtistDaughter
Report

If you feel the need to tell her, then do so, she will forget the response anyway and ask about the funeral again, until she reaches the point that this thought has been lost as well.

This is more about your adjusting to what is happening. Me, I would just say "Soon" I will let you know when it is time for the funeral and move on.

So sorry about this you will need a lot of patience to deal with this disease.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to MeDolly
Report

You're not going to convince her of much at this stage. So, just go with the flow and give vague answers. I'd say I'm not sure when the service is going to be but you'll find out and let her know. I'd say I'm not sure who's coming. Who do you think? Maybe Joe? Yeah, probably.

Sometimes I've asked my mom with dementia how old she is when she asks about her mom. She'll say 82. Sometimes she gets it that her mom couldn't possibly be alive since she died when she was in her early 70s.

Good luck.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to againx100
Report

I don’t see the harm in trying a different tactic. You’ve tried deflecting and she’s not accepting it. Perhaps she’ll be sad and mourn, but she’s already in turmoil. I say it’s time to experiment and see if something else might help. I wish you both peace
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Daughterof1930
Report

Who urged you not to tell her the truth?
What do you suppose is accomplished by not telling her the truth?
How is this protective?

I spent my entire life as an RN. Telling your mother the truth that she is now 97 years ago and her dear mom passed many years ago may cause her to mourn and re-mourn, which is nothing so bad as worrying and re-worrying.

There is no good answer to this kind of dementia and obsessional fretting about a loss. This is a time of great imperfection in having any answers. Do what seems to work best. WhatEVER you do, if it doesn't work try something else. The only good thing here is that she won't remember HOW many things you tried.

I am so sorry. What a sad state we come to at last with all of these horrific losses.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report

Can you tell her that the funeral had a beautiful service, your mom held up great, there were so many flowers and the music was soothing?

Like acknowledge her mom died, there was a funeral she attended and it was lovely and so many people talked about their warm memories of her mom.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to Southernwaver
Report

Can you deflect by talking about her mom, and reminiscing about her childhood and beyond? This might also be a good opportunity to talk about her thoughts on death and dying, if you feel up to it. Other than that it may help if you time your visits for when there are activities planned - even if it's just meal times - and then go with her, so she will have something else to focus on.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to cwillie
Report

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter