My Mom’s parents have been deceased for over 20 years. Up until about a year ago, my Mom would ask if her parents were dead, apparently she though so, but wanted confirmation. We would tell her yes, she would be upset for a bit but would be OK after. Of course this would repeat periodically but it was not terribly traumatic. Somehow, perhaps the combination of the Covid isolation (she lives in her home with my dad and me) and the deterioration of her mind she resurrected them in her mind. So now she wants to go visit them. Now that she believes they are alive, we didn’t want to shock her and cause her to relive the anguish of hearing of their death. We told her no travel during the pandemic restrictions. But now she thinks she can go. How do we tell her that her family is no longer alive? She says she misses them so much? Her sister also passed away about a year ago and she doesn’t know about that either. I don’t know what to do. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
you could both "spend time" with her mom and dad through memories and conversation.
Please read “Final Gifts” by Maggie Callahan and Patricia Kelley. It explains the signs that our loved ones give us before they pass on. I read this after I lost my father but it would have been helpful before he passed. It would have help him have the confidence that we will all be ok once he is gone. It would have helped me understand some of the signs he was giving me.
You maybe able to tell your mother that her parents are waiting for her when she is ready. When she decides to visit them, you all will be ok. Tell her that you love her and want what is best for her.
I do not have much experience with dementia but it seems we all need some confirmation of what will happen when we pass both in the afterlife and here on earth.
She is not going to remember your telling her. My friend had a MIL with dementia who kept asking about her dead husband. They’d tell her he was in Heaven and she’d immediately cry. It was like hearing it for the first time over and over.
So after a few weeks of this, it was time for a different approach. Now the husband is just “out”.
”He’s at work.”
”He had to go to the store.”
”He’s busy.”
It didn’t stop MIL from asking 20 times a day, but it stopped the crying and upset. They did feel bad lying to her, but having her break down in tears was much worse.
So just tell her ok and keep making excuses about when you can go.
Benter than telling her they're dead and she'll ask again and again and have to be sad again and again.
You might start on an album of her parents, sister, ect and let her help put in pictures and talk about them
Describing kindness as a “lie” is a lie in itself. When my LO entered a comfortable local MC, she’d make poignant calls home, leaving messages on the answering machine for her mother and sisters, who had been gone for many years before.
The messages to the answering machine grew fewer and fewer, and as they ended we knew she’d moved to another part of her life with dementia.
If not traveling because of Covid was comfortable for her, follow HER cues with offering her open ended responses that allow her hope and comfort.
“They’re having the Living Room painted and they want us to wait until it’s finished”
”There’s a storm expected so we’ll wait until the weather gets better”.
”Can’t plan to go until allergy season is over (….the kids are out of school)- whatever is logical and comforting.
I have instructed my younger family members to LIE humanely to me if I ever become cognitively disabled, and they know that they darned well better do so!
Loving kindness and her comfort are all that matter.
Go along with her and say that you'll have to make plans to go. That they moved to Florida or something and it's a long way. Tell her anything. Just don't tell her they're dead. All that will do is upset her and she won't remember why she's upset. It will make her regress and really set her back too. Caregiving will become much harder for you both. Don't tell her.
"Mom, wasn't it fun to see your parents again? When we drove up to the house, there they were sitting on the porch just like they always do!"
"It was fun to see Cousin Bob again, too, wasn't it?"
"Your mom's garden was so beautiful with those roses. What type does she grow -- do you know?"
My mother has conjured up her first high school boyfriend and is now "married" to him. We've had extensive conversations about him even though I never met the guy. He and his parents moved from her hometown in 1944 and she never saw him again, and he's been dead since 2009, but he's as real to her as anyone standing in front of her. I think that me "seeing" him as well brings her a lot of comfort, and she's only caught me faking it once when I told her he was on the phone and she said, "NO, HE ISN'T!"
Help her conjure up happy memories even if they're with people who are no longer around. There's no reason to tell her over and over that they're gone, because that only breaks her heart over and over, too.
She sometimes brings the subject up nowadays, but not often. She went through a phase but it did end and I think I sped up the phase by putting a period at the end of the sentence for her, you know? I don't know what will work for your mom, and sometimes you have to try different things to find out what WON'T work! I hate dementia, I really do. I went to see my mother today & was again sad to see what a dramatic decline she's taken lately. The whole thing just stinks.
Wishing you the best of luck finding a solution that works for your mother and gives her some level of peace & closure.
It can be very frustrating and wears on your patience. With my mom, my first method was to avoid her questions, second method was to give short answers that didn't require much effort to repeat. Oh yes, having to repeat answers really drove me mad. My usual replies were "Uh Huh, OK, Sure, Yes" or just grunts.
In your case, perhaps you can try "Sure, we'll go later." Hopefully, it will appease at the moment until next time.
Look up Teepa Snow. She is brilliant with how to distract without upsetting.