About four years ago my much older sister had been living near my mom. My mom decided to move closer to me and so I took over her finances. We found out my sister had been stealing from the pot for quite some time, taking most of my mom's nest egg. She forged checks and took bits at a time. My mother confronted my sister, who didn’t deny it but blamed me for taking my mom away. My sister told her she’d pay her back but she never did. My mother changed her will and hasn’t spoken to my sister in three years. I thought my sister would have reached out during Covid, but she never did. My mom told me she doesn’t want my sister to know she is in hospice. I will respect her wishes but do I contact my sister after? I have mixed feelings. My bf says don’t tell her, but I know my father’s uncle (who still talks to her) will be upset if I don’t tell my sister about the death or the funeral. I’m also worried my sister will come after me once she finds out my mom disinherited her (my mother's choice, not mine). Luckily my mom met with an estate lawyer before her dementia progressed and I’m following her wishes/health directive.
when it comes to the will, if everything is in order the lawyer will file in court and notify the beneficiaries. You do not have to deal with that at all
As for the funeral, make it private. The funeral home will have a list of guests and others will be repectfully turned away. They have dealt with this before. You and others who loved your mother deserve the chance to come together to show respect and mourn in the way you chose.
You had hospice and I am grateful.
Please don't try to divert your own mourning with worrying about others. You knew your choices with your sister, you MADE you choices, you knew she would be a problem and she IS a problem. Approach her only with gentleness. Her problems will be greater because she had no peace at the end. She will try to divert her own losses by anger and angry action. She will do what she will do.
I suggest you get a Trust and Estate attorney right away. They will get you an EIN tax number online and letters testamentary and help with the estate. You will refer your sister and uncle to this attorney only. That takes care of that.
The will be will likely be probated and Sister can read it there. She will do what she will do and you will handle it one day at a time.
Now on to the real issue here, your loss. You will not have to worry that you did anything other than what your Mom wanted. We will all lose our Mom's; we will all grieve. There is nothing to do with grief but carry it.
Try to do your Mom honor in the way you carry your grief. Know she is with you and will never not be with you. Celebrate her life. For me, losing my brother, the best person in my life all my life, the Hansel to my Gretel in any dark woods of life, I made a book in which I told him what I saw on my long walks, just as I always wrote him when we were both alive but in different cities. I told him memories. I shared those few moments of guilt I felt. I TALKED to him. It is almost two years now and the roses he cut each a.m. for the tables in his ALF are blooming where he lived, ours blooming here and I think about him. I collaged and decorated the journal and I would say I used it for about a year. In your OWN you can crab to Mom about your Sis if you need to. Unfortunately there is a simillar situation in my own family and my daughter and I have managed to have pet phrases and "mild name calling" that makes us laugh.
You will do it all. You will second guess, you will cry, you will eventually laugh and love life.
Just do her honor. And talk to her. She's there. I am 80 and my Mom and Dad are with me. So's my bro. I sometimes fear I have changed them to something Saintlike, because they were good people. But all the joy of them in my life I carry with me, along with the loss, and sometimes the lonliness.
My best out to you. Please let us know what the "rat-sister" gets up to (sorry, but we sometimes call ours just that). Whatever it is you can handle it. And a good attorney will help you with that. I had a wonderful woman, needed only about 1 1/2 hours of her time, and she was a comfort and a help.
When you update us why not start a new threat we can recognize: Something like "Update on my Estranged Sister".
You have so much to deal with regarding family dynamics that I'm concerned for the fall-out this may have on your emotional and mental state in addition to your grief. Might I suggest finding a (good) grief support group?
I am so sorry ....
I would not worry about what she is or isn't going to do. The lawyer has told you that everything is in order. The funeral home would not have cremated the body if the paperwork wasn't in order. I know from personal experience.
So let her sue, then you counter sue and she goes away or pays the price.
She is projecting her bad behavior on you and using your aunt to help her. You know why she is trying to make you out as the bad guy and so does she.
You did nothing wrong by emailing her. She chose to not be in contact and she should be happy she was told at all.
I wouldn't tell anyone you notify that she is being ugly, let them know about mom and if she shows up and causes a scene have her escorted away. Speak with the funeral director, the probably know law enforcement officers that moonlight as private security, yours isn't the 1st time they have dealt with family drama. Same goes for the interfering aunt. This day is for you, don't tolerate them making it about them.
Great big hug!
Your aunt and your sister are behaving extremely badly. I'd go so far as to say that their using mental space to indulge in that kind of spite betrays a lack of respect for what they should be focusing on right now, namely your mother's passing. It's revolting.
But it's also beneath your notice. Friends worth having will attend your mother's funeral and offer their support regardless of anything anyone else is doing. Did the funeral home tell you about your sister's call to them? Do they have any advice about how to proceed?
This will help you if sissy decides to make things hard for you after mom passes. I wouldn't show her or tell her or anyone that might, this would be for the attorney and courts to show her, if she chooses to go there.
Are you doing okay during this difficult time? I pray you are and am sending you a big warm hug.
I'm not an attorney. and probate is not federal law. Consult the attorney who updated the will for legal answers for your state. I assume that that attorney is aware of why Mom changed her will; best to work with one that knows the history.
I am sorry for your impending loss. You're doing the right thing in honoring Mom's wishes.
Yes, you contact your sister when mom passes. The argument is not between you and sis - it was breach of trust between sis and mom. Stay out of that part. Sis has a right to know mom passed. Give the info and let sis do what she wants with the info when the time comes and arrangements are made.
If sis comes after you afterwards (to see if she gets anything), remind her at that time that mom was upset about the missing money she confronted her about and made financial changes. You wish it hadn't happened, but sis made a choice and mom made changes based on those actions. Out of your hands.
You could retain an elder law attorney.
I hope that when your mother moved in with you that you had a mental competency evaluation completed. That makes all the difference in the world.
How would you feel if you were you were your sister? How do you feel about the situation? Your mother’s comments shouldn’t have any bearing on your feelings. Step back and evaluate for a bit.
Your sister could try and sue for interference with someone who was incompetent. I would give her the opportunity to mourn the loss of her mother at the same time as you and for continued family cohesion if that is what you want - communicate and cooperate on any inheritance. If that is what you don’t see in the future, let the dementia rule.
do not pay any attention to your BF. He doesn’t have a dog in this fight.
Peace out.
There are many ways to see any given situation..
At the end of the day the guilt you are expressing about your sister is your Higher self letting you know there is a better way
Whatever you decide, "the greatest good for the greatest number of people" is alway the best way"
BF has NO SAY in the matter.
When you sister took $$$ from your mother, was it to pay your mother’s bills? Or buy anything for her..like food, supplies or clothes? Were you able to do a full accounting of what sis took ..or just listened to what your mother told you? Did mother have dementia at the time of the stealing accusations? Because most dementia patients accuse their caregivers …especially if they’re family members…of stealing. I would tell sister anyway about mother..then say when she arrives…sis is here..would you like to see her? Hugs 🤗
Of course unsurprisingly your moms dementia didn’t set in until AFTER mom changed the will.
Of course you want to honor your moms medical wishes.
Shame on you for keeping your mother and sister apart and shame on you for doing the same thing you accused your “much older “ sister of doing.
You are stealing her inheritance.
What right does your “boyfriend” have in this matter.
He stands to benefit from your gain.
Stop being greedy and call your sister .
When you inherit. everything give half to your sister not your boyfriend.
advice from a lawyer.
A Will with Executor...the Executor has to inform all beneficiaries and interested parties that the will has been Probated. It becomes public knowledge. They make sure debts are paid then follow wishes of the deceased.
Administrator...this happens when there is no Will. This person does the same thing as the Executor only the State determines who inherits.
Affidavit... this is done when there is no Will and the estate is less than 20k. The person getting the affidavit can pretty much do what they want. Had this with an exSIL who did not claim her brothers house in that 20k. The house was worth at least 50k as is.
So, I agree that if the estate is not large, you will not be required to probate.
I agree with James. If Mom owns a home, change the locks. I had a friend whose husband died leaving her the trailer they owned at the Shore. She happened to go down one day, and his son was taking things out of the trailer. She told him to return the items, that the trailer and the contents had been left to her.
Im sorry you are having to deal with this on top of losing your mom.
Take care.
I have a younger brother who's a maritime lawyer who's a son of a gun, and didn't follow our parents will to the letter and I brought this to the attention of the New Jersey Bar Association as per the advice of my friend who worked for a law office in that state. The case is still pending due to the in depth investigation. Our brother cut our sister and myself off since 2009 because we dared challenged his 'authority'. He was named executor of our parents will which is like putting the fox in charge of the hen house. We were supposed to be included in any decisions but were marginalized.
There's more to the soap opera but that's the gist of it.
Richie