My mother has been living in our home for 11 years She is 92 years old. My husband has cancer and a very bad heart. How do I get her to go?

“She told me if I put her in a home she will stop eating and die and it will be on me.”

How childIsh of her. Don’t believe it. It’s just another manipulation tactic. Like little children who threaten to run away if you make them eat their veggies.

Yes, you can tell her to go. It’s YOUR house, your rules. She won’t go on her own accord.

Your mother is manipulating you, otherwise she’d never say what she did. Honestly, it'd make me not want her in my home. Please have her move, after 10 years you’ve earned a rest and need to spend time with your husband enjoying the things you like to do. You can’t “get her to understand” so don’t even try. Just tell her there’s a change in her living arrangements and refuse to argue over it

That is terrible!!, threatening to stop eating and you will have caused her death... !
Yes, you can just tell her she has to go. Before though, find a good home and have a plan in place so the transition can be as 'easy' as possible. Keep it matter of fact, straightforward...the time has come where you need to move to a care home. She may even be happier but will never admit it
It is her choice whether she eats or not (I would guess she will) but that decision is on her not you.
And go on vacation... like a really good one.

As she has her own apartment within your home, you may have to start a formal eviction process according to local laws.

But in light of her ridiculous threats, which I hope you have reported to her doctor it definitely is time to start the process of moving her out.

Also why on earth are you cleaning her space? She should be paying someone to do it for her. If she balks at strangers, tough beans, it is not her call. She either keeps it clean on her own or pays for it to be done. You are not her slave.

“Stop eating and die…” THAT’S the fear talking…. Yes, some homes are bad, but even though she’s nasty to you, something tells me that you’re an awesome daughter and wouldn’t put her in one of the terrible places. You’d want the best for her, you monster!

DO WHAT YOU’VE GOT TO DO. You’ll still feel guilty, because you’re a good daughter, but you won’t feel miserable all the time. And she WILL get over it. She’s just threatening with you with the only card she has to play, but it’s doubtful that she would live up to it.

Look after your poor husband, and bite the big one with your mom. It doesn’t make you a bad daughter. It makes you a responsible one.

Your mom reminds me of a friend's nasty grandmother who told her she was going to Hell for being three months pregnant at her wedding.

My friend told her granny to save her a place.

When your mother makes such ridiculous threats to you, tell her to wait a couple of minutes while you make a phone call. Then do it.

Ah. I see the problem: " How do I get her to understand I can’t take care of her and help my husband too?"

It isn't that she doesn't understand. It's that she doesn't *agree.* Doesn't agree, that is, that her needs have to be balanced with those of others who are equally dear to you; and quite possibly too doesn't agree (because she won't see it, because she won't think about it) that meeting her needs takes too much out of you and others in the household.

This is what you're asking her to agree to (note: this is *her* point of view. I'm not asking you to agree with this!): "My daughter has her hands too full to look after me. So now that I am old and useless I must help to look after myself by moving to a place where I don't know anybody, where I will be forgotten about by my loved ones, and where I will very probably die of starvation and neglect because my daughter doesn't love me any more and has forgotten everything I ever did for her. Fine. Where do I sign?"

Not going to happen. Not ever. So forget the getting her to understand part.

Find your facility. Book her in for a respite stay, using as your reason that husband has XYZ procedures or treatments coming up and he'll have to be in hospital and so you won't be home for that given period. Tell her this is happening, as opposed to ask her permission. Do it. Take it from there.

Meanwhile, hire a cleaner for heaven's sake. Stop giving her the option of free services from Blondie97's Acme Cleaning Co.

I can't imagine having to constantly clean up after an incontinent elder every single day at 65 years old. Just the thought if it makes me tired. She has to go into a facility now because if she doesn't you will be the one to die first.

Next time she tells you she will stop eating and die if she goes to a facility turn the tables on her and ask her if she wants you to die from the stress of trying to do it all for her on top of the million other things you have to do. Ask her how she would feel if you died first. The stress you feel trying to do what she wants. Her answers may help alleviate some of your guilt about placing her.

Tell her the best way to HELP you and HELP your Husband is to be looked after by someone else for a while.

She may not like it (you can add you don't either! ☹️). She didn't choose to get old & your Husband didn't choose to get cancer. But that's the reality.

It would be nice if she agrees to help you both, but if not, go ahead & arrange what you need to do.

Trying to reason with unreasonable people is a losing battle.

You are not going to 'get her to understand'. She doesn't care how you feel or how much work this is. You just need to tell her how it is. She stopped being the boss of you when you stopped living under her roof.

Some answers are suggesting that your mother might want to HELP you and your husband, but you do not give that impression at all. Your mother is comfortable where she is and with your help and expects her situation to continue. You need to devote more of your time and energy to your husband. If your husband is able to "take a vacation," you could move your mother to respite care for that time. That is an out pf packet expense for you, but if a vacation is that important to you, consider respite care part of the vacation expense.
If your mother needs more care than you can manage in addition to caring for your husband, more permanent placement will be necessary for her.
You are not going to get her to LIKE this decision.

next week I have a nurse and “companion “ coming in 2 days a week. The nurse said they are going to document everything for a month This is from Elder Care and they do not charge for this. After the month they will have a meeting with me to discuss options. Mom has always lied and when she gets caught she starts the poor me. She been sneaky and manipulative all my life. After 11 years of this I feel terrible to say I just don’t feel love for her anymore. I want to be able to go and do things with my husband before it’s too late. I have told her about my feelings and she just doesn’t care. She said she’s not going anywhere. Just try to get me out of here. I won’t go and I’ll sue you!! I told her she may be happier having others around her. She can play Bingo, get her hair done, go out. She just refuses to let us be happy.

Blondie, people who love their parents arrange for their care outside of their homes, too.

It sounds line you've been sold a bill of goods, i.e., "only people who don't love their parents put them in nursing homes".

It's NOT true.

Your mom needs more attention than you can give her.

Your husband should come first and it sounds like he needs alot of care.

Don't fall for your mom's manipulation.

I just want to say how sorry I am that you're going through all of this, between your DH and your mother who's too selfish to see past the tip of her own nose. Makes me very glad I never asked my own mother to come live with us, thank GOD. I hope the 'nurse & companion' can document everything for a month & help you devise a plan to move mother out before you have no other option but to evict her.

It makes me very angry to hear about elders who refuse to go to Assisted Living and come with ridiculous arguments about 'being starved to death' or 'thrown out like garbage' when in reality, it's like adult day camp in AL! My mother had the time of her life when she lived in AL, between happy hour on Friday, all the trips they took on the mini bus, the meals in the dining room, the activities, the parties, etc etc. We should all be so lucky in our old age to have the finances TO live in AL. My 94.5 y/o mother now lives in the Memory Care bldg of the same ALF where things are a bit different, but she's still better off there with friends and activities than she would be here, with nobody home and nothing to do all day!

Wishing you the best of luck finding a solution to your dilemma!

There are some things I do not understand from the situation you describe. You indicate that you are 65 years old, still working, taking care of your husband who has cancer, baby sitting for your grandchildren 3 days a week, and hosting your 92 year old mother in your home for 11 years. My question is, other than your first priority which is your husband, what or who is 2nd, 3rd, and 4th priority? Is it working? If so, can you retire? Can the grandchildren stay with another babysitter? What is the health of your mother? Can your mother attend adult day care or visit with a senior companion for awhile. If your husband is seriously infirm and should pass, would you not still want your mother with you? What kind of vacation could you have in a Covid environment with a sick husband? You did a good job of describing your situation which you dislike and want to resolve by moving mom out, but do you really want her gone? You mother loves both of you, and the grandchildren. I guess what I am saying, keep your family together and be realistic about your problems, and make wise choices that you will not regret later. May God bless and help you.

This post is a reminder that moving an elder into your house is easy. Trying to get them out when they have over stayed their welcome is the hard part. Threatening to sue the OP to stay is just the icing on the cake.

Anyone considering moving an elder parent into their home should read this post. If you must move them in talk to elder about deal breakers for continuing to stay in your home. Etc. Get it in writing so they can't claim the conversation never happened.

Your mother is old, has lived her life and is very stubborn and controlling. Your first duty is to YOU and to your husband - you cannot do it all - it will destroy you if you allow it. She is selfish and refuses help. Make sure you have the legal documents in place (see an eldercare attorney about a Power of Attorney, etc.) and then make arrangements to place her in a facility. She will rant and rave but I assure you, it won't kill her - age and medical issues will. Please do NOT wait - do NOT give in to her. I don't think with her personality and relationship with you that you should stay involved. Take care of your husband while you still have him and take care of YOU.

If she repeats her line about “put her in a home she will stop eating and die and it will be on me”, here’s a suitable reply: “You’ve had a good long life. If you want to starve yourself to death, that’s your choice. It’s not the way I would choose to go myself, but you can take that path if you want to. And yes, arranging the funeral will be ‘on me’ ”. Silly old besom!

I’m so sorry to hear about your family. You have one life, be happy and guilt-free. Your Mom will adjust eventually or maybe not. She’s had a wonderful journey so far and will meet new people. See her often and show her you care. My mother is doing the same manipulative, cruel behavior to me. Best of luck.

This is a hard place to be……this is what I told my mom. I listened to her and then I said “mom, don’t make me choose between you and my husband”. I have worked very hard to make this work and it is not working for me. I have researched and found 3 places to interview and will be moving forward. (We are Christians who believe that God numbers our days as written in the Bible). I told her that this was breaking my heart but if she follows through with her decision to not eat and die….and God agrees with her and lets her die, this is not on me. It is between her and the Lord. I would like her to try to work with me now because life has changed and this is the best plan for her to have expert care from staff who are not exhausted and stretched thin. I would be able to be her advocate and a more refreshed daughter to her and more importantly, the wife that my husband needs. Then I asked her to pray about this. I stopped and prayed aloud with her asking the Lord to show us his best plan and thanking him for my mom and my husband. I asked him to show us the very best place for my mom and to lift the anxiousness or sadness that my mom was feeling and to please bless her with his peace and to give me wisdom. Mom moved into a wonderful assisted living October 2020 and has enjoyed the staff who wait on her, the ability to keep her apartment 80 degrees and the physical therapy she receives weekly. I got her a echo show 8 and drop in and talk to her. The staff are receptive and helpful and with prayers mom has a wonderful med tech who sits and talks to her every day for several minutes. I can now be a daughter and wife. It is a blessing to see mom happy and content and it took her about a month. By the second month she was loving it so much she took a tour to see if she had the best apartment. She did and now she is even happier. My mom was selfish in thinking that I would care for her as she cared for her husband. I made it clear that was not going to happen. At one time, Since mom cannot live alone, I told her that I would get adult protective services to evaluate her because I could not do it all and maybe they had some ideas. Mom didn’t like that and settled down. I am 65 years old too and retired. If there is any advice I can offer is that “we teach people how to treat us”. It was really hard to see mom like this but this is who she is now and it will not get better. Yes, you can tell her and be prayed up. All literature I read states that the sooner mom was in a facility (assisted living for my mom) when she can acclimate and make it familiar, the better it was for her quality of life because it would be recognizable for her as she declined. Mom doesn’t even remember her home and this is her home. She calls it her “condo”. Prayers for you being said right now.

blondie97: As your first priority is your husband, your mother may have to locate facility living.

Time to stop trying to juggle this. Blessings to you and your husband.

Use the information provided by the “visitors” who are assessing her situation in relation to your overall circumstances.

Don’t try reason. Don’t try coaxing. Don’t even try explaining the facts of your tumultuous life.

Pack her bags, arrange transportation (ambulance if necessary), WAVE GOODBYE.

You just do it…why let her have the control. So she stops eating…her choice. But I bet you she won’t, that is an idle threat. What parents who act like this do is manipulate to try and make you feel you don’t deserve the freedom that they had when they were your age. She had her life and retirement and you deserve one too. There is nothing written anywhere that you need to be a martyr. Parents who do this to their children are not loving.

your husband and your marriage are your priority. You are the one with the choice here, not her.

You ask how you can get her to go??? You go out and tour facilities, find one and move her things and take her there. Will she like it? No, so don’t even expect it. Will she be angry with you? Probably so expect that. It will take 3-6 months for her to get used to it. But she sounds like she needs eyes on her 24/7. And that can’t be you. She doesn’t know what is best for her care…you do. It’s a difficult decision but you are doing it for the right reasons. Use your doctor to blame it on if you want a scapegoat.

Yeah, same as other posts like this when there’s a mean hateful abusive person who doesn’t care at all about your needs my gosh your poor husband is suffering w cancer and she only seems to care about herself- short answer but simple is yeah tell her she’ll need to have a new place to go in a month and stick with it. She’s lived over 9 decades if she can’t be a little thankful and kind toward you and your husband show her the door

Just responded to another post with the same answer - respite care. Respite care in the home is available in many areas. It might be tricky, you might need to introduce someone as "helping you" not her.

If you can't afford extra help, look for senior day care programs. If she starts to be verbally or physically abusive, video record her actions and play them back for her.

If *you* get ill from having too much of a burden, we've got your husband, your grandchildren, AND her with no one to take care of them - is that fair, even to her?

The question isn’t why does she keep acting like this but why do you keep allowing it? That is not to minimize what you’re dealing with in any way. People don’t understand how I’ve been in a similar situation and it was/is very difficult. You must decide today who’s life you want to live. We get one pass through life. Don’t squander any more of your time. My mother is now in a nursing facility and hates me with every fiber in her being even though I was the only one who cared for her(she lived with me). She said she was going to kill herself and write in her note that I did it. She badmouths me to family and friends (thankfully they know me well enough to know the lies are not true). She is a narcissist and gets very mean if things don’t go her way. It was making me physically and emotionally sick. I had no choice but to go ‘no contact’ with her. It’s been 9 months since I last spoke with her but I’m still in touch with her docs and support staff as well as bringing her toiletries and food when she asks but those requests now come through the social worker. It’s been difficult, especially at first. The guilt was very heavy but it has eased over time. You do know that if you make no changes, nothing will change and you’ll look back and soooo regret your decision not to live your best life and that of your husband’s when you still had that choice. Absolutely nothing. What has to happen for you to make this verrry difficult decision? It sucks I know.

Hi blondie, I’m sorry to hear of your situation. I was/am in very similar.

several months ago, moms dementia worsened. She couldn’t possibly care for herself any longer, I was doing most. My husband, on the heart transplant list. I’m also disabled. Bottom line, I told my mom if we didn’t figure things out fast, I’m the one that will stroke out or have fatal heart attack from all the stress.

with dementia, there’s no reasoning. You just gotta do what you gotta do. I said years ago, never would I put mom in a home. But, when you get older, your health and situations change.

I spoke to mom and said, “ma, I just can’t do this anymore”. “I can’t always be with you, I can’t take you with me everywhere I go, I’m afraid your next fall could be your last, I can’t take care of you, my husband, myself any longer”.

My mom started mixing up her meds when I wasn’t home, though I would set them up weekly. I had to them give them and insulin daily, few times a day, as I did with my husband. She didn’t eat right, so, we had to make sure mom was fed diabetic diet. Running around to doctors, mom hanging on me as we walked.

It is not easy. Anyone who walked in our shoes knows this.

I called a few places that we knew were better than others. This way I knew mom would be safe. I packed moms stuff and brought her to her new assisted living home. I gave her a huge hug , told her I loved her, and watched her walk inside with one of the staff. When I got back into the car, I don’t even think I got that far, I cried my eyes out. Like I just abandoned my mother.

I do bring mom to her doctors and physical therapy, get her tests done, go for breakfasts, lunches, or dinners. It’s still difficult because I feel guilty. But I know moms safe and I see her a lot, few times a week.

mom calls me and wants to get out every day. But I say, I’ll be there tomorrow or Friday or whenever we had planned. In September my husband and I are moving to Connecticut awaiting his new heart, to be closer to transplant hospital. (From here it’s a four hour drive, hard winters). I won’t be able to see mom much, which will be so sad for both of us, but will always speak on phone.

We left it to mom if she wanted to move closer to us and she said for now she’d remain there. But more I thought about moving her, I thought about how difficult it would be for her to relocate and start from scratch again. Winter will go fast and we’ll be able to visit again, once we know snow is all done with. (8 hours round trip drive)

Enough of me rambling. But the point is, it’s not that you don’t love your mom. You may have to do things sometimes that may not be a perfect solution, but at least you know that loved one is safe. It takes a little while for adjustment, but in time, it’ll all work out. Just go visit, call, whenever you can. Don’t forget the love your mom had for you growing up before she got this way. They don’t wanna be old and dependent, just as we don’t wanna be. Show a lot of love and you won’t have regrets later on. You’ll always know you did the best you could.

pray a lot. It always makes me feel better.

wishing you well.

If the facility has WiFi you can set up BLINK. It is a camera with a phone app. You can see her at anytime.
Also OOMA is a cheap phone system and she can keep her phone number.
I still feel guilty at times about moving my dad. He is 95. But it is just a change of address. I go see him 3 times a week and know he has care beyond what I can do.

How about if you just speak plainly and tell her exactly what you're telling everyone here? That she can't live with you anymore and tell her the reasons why. Like your husband is sick. You cannot take care of her needs anymore. Explain that you will help find her a nice place with very good help.
If she starts up with how she'll starve herself to death and it will be your fault, handle it like this. Don't get excited or let any drama start up. Tell her that if she wants to starve herself to death that's her choice not yours. That's a classic guilt tactic elders lay on their family to get their own way or to ensure that they will continue getting their own way about everything. I've worked in elder homecare for almost 25 years. There have been more families than I can count in your same situation. I'll tell you what I told them. Don't play into the elder's manipulation and guilt-tripping. Completely ignore them and walk away the second they start up with it. Don't feed it by giving it any attention. If you have kids, you will know that when a little kid starts having a tantrum, you ignore them and walk away, but you let them see you walking away. Then they stop. Same approach with the elderly.
Find your mother a decent place and move her into it whether she wants to go or not.

Yes, you can tell her to go if the place belongs to you.

She would probably be considered a Tenant living with you for so long.

You should give her a written 30 Day Notice that she must move out.

Let her know you will take her to go look at a few Assisted Living Places.

If she doesn't move in 30 days then on day 31, go File an Eviction on her at the Court House where you live. In Texas it cost $126.

You can get the paper work at the Court House and when filling it out you put the Reason for Eviction is Holding Over which means they are Living there and now you want them out.

You will get something from the Court that day showing when your Court Date is and Mom will get her summons for the Court Date in the mail.

If she moves out before the Court Date, neither one of you have to appear in Court.

If she doesn't move out go to Court and the Judge will grant you to have her move out.

If she is still in on the 6th day you go back to the courthouse and File a Writ. In Texas it cost $136.

The Writ will have a Constable come to your home and make your mom leave and you will have to put all mom's stuff out by the curb.