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In a nutshell; Ten years ago, my mother took a fall and my sister and I decided that she would either need to live in a nursing home or live with one of us. If you knew my mother, you would know she wouldn't last long in a nursing home. She is in a wheelchair, very shy and frail.


At that time, my sister agreed to let me have the money from mother's mobile home instead of mother going into a nursing home, if I would take care of her. That money allowed me to get out of a bad marriage by putting a payment on a house for mother and myself.
Ten years later, mother is doing well. Everyone acknowledges that I take excellent care of her.


But I have never had a break. My sister refuses to relieve me for even a couple of days. She insists on having the right to come to town every 6 months or so, staying with another family member, visiting a few times for 4 hours or so, but she refuses to spend the night to relieve me.


Mother would never have lasted this long if not for me, my sister acknowledges that. But she insists that it is not her responsibility to ever act as caregiver even for a few days to relieve me.
At this point, I don't want her in my home. Am I forced to allow her into my home to see our mother?


I am depressed and trapped.





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You can place mom in a Assisted Living facility for a week or so of Respite so you can get a break.
You can hire caregivers that will come in and help out.
Your sister made it clear 10 years ago what her boundaries are and she is sticking to them.
If you want a break, caregivers are the answer you will not get your sister to do this.
Mom's funds, if any should be used to pay for the caregivers or for the Respite stay.
If mom is on Hospice Medicare, Medicaid and most insurance will cover a Respite stay.
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rovana Oct 2021
Would sister be willing to help financially to provide respite? (No hands-on caregiving)
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You might contact the Agency for Aging in your area. There may be some resources-some day care, or respite, of visiting caretaker. I hope so. Your sister is a lost cause, it seems from your description. Shameless, in that case, but unusual. You might ask your sister if she has any suggestions to relieve you. What would she do if you were unable to care for your Mom. You are not a guaranteed resource indefinitely. If there are funds available, respite care in a nursing home is something you could try for a short interval (maybe overnight of some such). Mom might enjoy a change of scene even if she is shy and frail. Good luck.
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I agree that respite care is the way to go. People who haven't done hands-on eldercare themselves are completely clueless about how much work it is and how uniquely draining it is. You need a break. Your sister isn't going to give it to you so you need to find another way. Explore what insurance options are available and start arranging some support.

Good luck.
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No, you don't need to allow your sister in your home. Its your home your rules. She can take Mom out somewhere nice.
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My mother, who “wouldn’t last in a nursing home”, spent 5 1/2 HAPPY, HEALTHY, PRODUCTIVE YEARS in a very nice residential care center near my home.

It is not your sister’s responsibility to “relieve” you. If you assumed the responsibility when your mother needed care, it’s yours.

If you “don’t want her” in your home, find the nicest placement available, near enough to your home, so that you can visit as often as you want to do so, and your sister an do the same.

Your depression and entrapment are not fair to you, but you must make the change. Your mother can’t, and your sister won’t.

Manyof us understand your situation because we have lived it.
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lealonnie1 Oct 2021
The OP does not want her SISTER in her home, not her mother!

I agree with you about elders faring quite well in managed care. In fact, my mother is alive at nearly 95 precisely because she's IN memory care where she's cared for 24/7 by teams of carers and has tons of social interaction.
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atee8s, sounds like you have been doing a wonderful job, and that your Mom is doing well. Let's try to remember that not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver. Maybe that is your sister. Is she the type of there was an emergency that she would panic to a point of passing out?

My Dad was 94 when he moved into senior living, and he loved it there. My Dad was pretty shy so he avoided the "social hour" but he was happy doing the things he liked even if it was being glued to the TV or reading. It was a relief for me, as Dad was a major fall risk, always tumbling over and couldn't get up. He liked being around people of his peer group. More new ears to hear his stories during dinner time in the dining room :)
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Have your asked your sister to help you, financially etc., to arrange for hired help so it is not all on you? She might not want to do hands-on caregiving but would she be willing to provide financial help to give you some respite?
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I suppose your sister considers that there is a contract between you and her, that you got mother's money in exchange for caring for her - and therefore sister has no responsibility on that front. It seems a bit unreasonable that she would not want to spend a couple of days with her mother, but I guess that depends on the relationship they had, however what she would want and what she should feel a duty to do are very different, even if you do have a verbal contract to care for your mother. I can totally understand that you do not want her in your house when she seems so self centred. The question is, is getting stressed about her being in the house visiting your mother, better or worse than the stress of barring her entry. Its your house she comes in under your "rules", but have a think about which will stress you out more before making your decision. You do not of course have to be in the house whilst your sister is there.
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I’d firmly tell sister you’re not doing the caregiving anymore without changes being implemented. Either she kicks in and relieves you or she pays for a caregiver to come in and help. Doesn’t matter if you don’t mean you’re quitting or that it’s true that you have no power over sister, do it to get a solid gauge of her willingness to find a new plan. As of now you’re being all the solutions so she sees no reason for change. And when she still won’t help or pay for help, decide if it’s in your best interest, your own health being sacrificed, to keep doing this. And don’t make assumptions about how mom would do in professional care, it might surprise you
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Flowerhouse1952 Oct 2021
You cannot force anyone to help even monetarily or not.
Caregiving is not a requirement of children. It is the parents responsibility to plan for their own care.
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Please don't be mad at your sister for not relieving you. She doesn't want to and that's her right. Of course, it would be great for you if she did. Instead, I second the idea that you get some respite care. Put mom in a facility for 2 weeks so you can get a break.

Hire some outside help so that you can regularly get out of the house and spend some time away from your mom.

Let your sister visit. If she comes for 4 hours say that you need to run out to the store so at least you can get out for a short time? But don't try to force her to watch mom if she really doesn't want to. It's OK.
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To say your
Sister is very selfish is an understatement but, you shouldn't take it out on mom by not letting her visit mom.

I would install cameras in the home where I can watch any time
24 7 from my cell phone, I use Nest Cameras and they are pretty easy to install.
Then I would
Leave the house every time during your sister's 4 hr visit.

I would ask a family member if they could spend a day or evening or spend over night with your mom and see if you could get different family members to volunteer for once a week.
Are. If you can afford it, hire someone to spend the day or night once a week to give you a break.

You should be able to do this
Depending on your mom's needs, you should be able to hire someone for $12 an hour as they don't have to be a Nurse, just more or less an Adult Sitter.
Don't hire thru an Agency because they'll charge you $25 an hour then pay their worker $8-$10.
You can also check at Church, Ask a Nursing Student as they would be able to study while being there for your mom.

You can also check with Mom's Insurance and with a Social Worker with Adult lrotective Services and ask for Free Day Care and Free Re Spite Care I believe it's called which is for a Caregiver to get a break for a few days and nights.

Also, if you dad was in the Military, your mom could get up to 30 hrs a week free care.

Prayers
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Your sister feels no.obligation to be a hands on care giver since your original arrangement, giving you the money from the sale of your mother's mobile home, "paid" for her to NOT be a care taker.

Put your energy into finding other sources of respite care, whether volunteers from church, or paid home health aides, or temporary respite stays in a facility. Wishing your sister would take a turn will only only leave you feel angry and frustrated.
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I'd check into an assisted living residency. I have POA for my sister, now living in assisted living. Its based on income. She has her own little apartment, she can lock her door, private bathroom of course and has a small refrigerator and microwave. TV and three meals a day with snacks if requested. You can visit often, even every day, but take days off as well. As long as you visit frequently she will adjust fine by having her privacy. If she can use her bathroom facilities herself she will qualify for assisted living over a nursing home. My sister has dementia and they even administer her meds.
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I'm sorry but your sister is right. It isn't her responsiblity nor is it yours. My sister and I are dealing with the same 'guilt' due to an individual (my mother) who failed to plan her future declining environment. My mother had a large home with land that was difficult to manage with two healthy people. She divorced her husband but was determined to keep the home which was insane the level of work required. (she's 80) Well we begged her to sell and move into a smaller place more managable work wise and money wise. Well fast forward she falls off a ladder and is now in an assistive living screaming and yelling at me and my sister because it is up to us to leave our family, our jobs to come and help her because that is what kids do. I am angry because it is not what kids do. Parents move to their kids location if you want long term care. H
er failure to plan has put a great burden on us. As of this month we have severed our role in her care and have handed her over to the doctor's and assistive living staff to care for her needs. When you do not plan this is your plan, I'm sorry. Being born does not give you any rights to my life. Out of kindness we are managing her finances to allow her to have the best care possible for her level of money she has. It doesn't matter to her as she is angry, spiteful, manipulative and down right mean. I'm not serving that, sorry for your life choices but that's just it - this was her life choices!
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Lisaball Oct 2021
I totally agree!!!!
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This is probably not what you're going to want to hear, but attention should be given to this regardless. Since you used your mom's money to get out of a bad marriage and buy a home, you are the one that needs to take care of your mom to pay her back. You are very vague as to how much money you actually got. Certainly could be a hefty sum or not. My guess is that this was your mom's money only. Not yours, not your sisters. You used mom's money to your advantage and i would also say sister got nothing. Does sister think you took advantage of mom? Is sister feeling left out, neglected, knowing and feeling that you used your mom to help yourself so you need to do some paying back in some way? Sister has made it clear from get go she isn't either capable or willing to help. That's her choice. You can't force her to relieve you. That doesn't make her a bad person. Do you know that some people are not capable of being caregivers? Perhaps she doesn't have the patience.
Have you talked to her about helping out in other ways? You don't want sister in your home. Why? Because of your resentful feelings? Could it be sister's home isn't set up for your mom? Does sister have other obligations that prevents her from taking your mom? I think you're very lucky that she does help you by giving you a chance to get out now and again for 4hrs.
So.. with all said, you've got to face the fact that you're in this alone. It will be up to you to solve your own problem. Start with your mom's Dr, senior services, friends, neighbors, and other caregivers to help you out. Help is out there. You just need to find it. Depending on sister is a waste of your time when she's made it clear she will not be helping... you're the one who signed up for this job, not your sister. Don't be so hard on her. I have a feeling you are tired and depressed. Don't take it out on others. Solve your own problems and those 4 hrs your sister gives you? Go to a movie, visit friends, have a meal out, get a massage, go for a drive, etc. Take advantage of the help you do get from her and be glad that it's better than nothing at all. I was the caregiver for my mom and had no help until i had to put her in a home. You can do that as well but in your case, I'd sell my home and pay mom back with intrest because she got you out of a jam and she now will need these funds to pay for her care. If not you've got to forge on ahead. Instead of talking smack about duster, I'd be geared fit those 4 hours! Good luck to you and bless your mom for selling her place so that you could pay your bills.
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Debstarr53 Oct 2021
READ THE POST AGAIN. If you aren't going to read the details, don't comment. The sister agreed to letting her have the money. The OP, atee8s, did benefit, but the mom sure did benefit even more, her money went for a comfortable place to live and a caregiver. Feeling burnout is common in this case, and a caring, loving sister should be more than happy to help for a couple nights every 6 months. "Don't be so hard on her?" Have you EVER worked a job? Did you get paid vacation? She deserves it too.
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Cut her off and locate friends who can take turns helping you with mom allowing you to have time off.
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deedeer Oct 2021
Sis is not going to step in and help you. If your relationship with sis reached this stage, then no contact is best. Mom has a great caregiver --- you. I am in a similar situation and after cutting off sis, I found more energy for myself. Toxic siblings will use you and not help. Perhaps, leave the house when she visits and book yourself into a hotel for a nice stay!
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Well I am in a related situation, just I didn't have anything in exchange for caring my mom since 2003. The other way around, I had a relatively well paid full time job (recently retired) and I've been paying out of my pocket for my mom endless needs, medical and others. I have two sisters, one works as an engineer in the US (I live in South America), she is affluent, several properties here and in the US, but she refuses to help and only wished to visit for a short time every couple of years or less. I had very angry arguments with her about her refusal to being involved...so I refused lo let her into my home (it is family home, but though I have a condo I have to live there to take care of my very needy mom (dementia+fall and hip replacement 12 years ago+ prescription drugs addiction issues+recently diagnosed with COVID postvaccine nephrotic syndrome+many other issues). Sorry this is not help, but needed to rant.
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I wouldn’t speak with your sister . Just say “ this is not a healthy relationship and I don’t want you in my home . If you want to spend time with Mom she can fly out to your home for a visit.” Stop talking to her for several weeks . This is a toxic relationship.
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It isn't your sister's responsibility to provide hands-on care for your mother. If you would like respite, and I should think it's a very good idea for you to take breaks on a regular basis, ask somebody else.

It is up to your mother to decide whether she wants to welcome visits from your sister, and by the way as you point out this is your mother's home too. You certainly ought not to do anything to prevent your sister's visits.

I don't really see that the sale of your mother's mobile home and the use of the money has much to do with it. It wasn't a decision that required your sister's agreement, I hope to goodness that nothing was done without your mother's agreement, and as it was well over five years ago it isn't going to be looked into by Medicaid or anyone else. As far as I can see neither of you two daughters had any business to be making this "pact" about your buying a house in exchange for indefinite bonded caregiving services.

But in the end, none of this matters. Look into respite care or home support so that you do get a break. Do not disrupt your sister's visits to your mother. May you very soon get a good rest and feel better.
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You agreed to take care of your mother. Kudos for doing an excellent job. I agree that you need to expand the number of people care for your mom. Ask family members, friends, members of your faith community... and consider paid help. The goal is to get a little time off daily and more weekly.

It would be nice for your sister to help. Unfortunately, this is not the agreement you set up with her. That is why it might be better to find more people who are willing to care than have anyone's grudging, maybe even resentful, help.
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Nonstop Oct 2021
> Ask family members, friends, members of your faith community... and consider paid help.

How can they help out without licenses or familial relationship?

> The goal is to get a little time off daily and more weekly. 

How do you dare to tell someone who has not had a break in 10 years something like that?
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I would be very careful denying your sister and mom access to one another. There could be legal ramifications involved with this.

Unfortunately, you made an agreement without being fully aware of the consequences. Not justifying your sisters unwillingness to give you a nights break but, you did get a house out of the deal and the ability to get out of a bad marriage, so she probably feels very justified in not providing caregiving. That was the agreement.

You need to find a way to get respite. Mom can go to an assisted living facility for a week to a month to give you a chance to recharge. Do your research and find a facility that feels like a resort holiday for mom. Make it about her getting a holiday and she will probably be more receptive to going.

I would consult an attorney before telling your sister she can't come see mom in your home that moms money paid for, your sister could retaliate and make a nightmare battle for you. Accusations have to be disproved in the day and age we live in, you don't want to have to deal with that for a four hour visit a couple of times a year.
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atee8s I can understand your burnout, and I have it a lot easier than you do. Looks like there are some uncaring, uninformed people weighing in on this, that did not read all the details of your post. Ignore the people who haven't bothered to read all the details, then voice their uninformed opinions. You have given 10 years to your mom's care. Sounds like she has gotten a good deal for her money, but even people who work full time get paid vacation. If mom has money in the bank, it might be a good idea to hire someone to come in to relieve you, OR... Medicaid will take over and pay if her assets (including monthly income from retirement or Social Security)are $2,000.00 or less. They will even pay you to take care of her in the home. I have a friend who is in this position. She lives with her parents and Medicaid pays for the daughter to provide care for them.

There are requirements for getting paid by Medicaid, or for getting someone to come in, so you need to get the ball rolling. I don't know how much you have looked into this, but I have learned a lot in the last 3 years. You didn't come here to be beat up with unhelpful opinions. You do deserve a break and obviously your sister isn't going to be that person. Please look elsewhere, for your own good.

As far as letting your sister into your home, that probably needs to depend on what your mom wants, but I can understand where you are coming from. You need help. Most likely your feelings on this will lighten once you get a break and are not under so much pressure. Good luck, I wish the best for you.
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Have you ever asked her why she will not come and give YOU a break? Some people don't offer unless directly asked and as caregivers, we don't always ask directly because we assume others see that we need a break and simply ignore the situation. Try a little guilt, if nothing else, and say will you come from X day to X day so I can get out of the house for this period of time. If she says no because she has other plans that period of time, then directly ask when can you come.

If you've already had this conversation with direct questions and responses, you already know her reason why. Remember not everyone is willing to do certain things that you've been doing. It is frustrating, but it won't resolve it. If there is enough money, hire someone for that period of time or see about a respite facility where mom can stay for a week. By all means, if mom has some savings use it for this purpose instead of leaving it as inheritance. That's what the money is for.

If sis is simply not a caregiver - and there's no money to pay for help - then directly ask sis if she can help out financially to pay for some help a few times a year to give you a break.
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Nonstop Oct 2021
why would she feel guilty? She probably feels she 'paid for caregiving' by giving up the money from the mobile home. The only way she is back in the picture is if the OP is physically unable and even then, she might just throw her mother in public Skilled Nursing Facility to die of Covid. These societal problems need to be addressed, but probably won't happen until a few more years into the retirement of the Baby Boom generation
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like everyone here i am so sorry for your situation.

about your sister ... i think you need to pretend you dont have one. Shes just someone you know from someplace or other.
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So, it doesn't sound intuitive, but I've found that it is easier in some ways to do everything yourself than to try to get help from a family member who is reluctant to help. If you expect them to help, it only causes disappointment and more trouble for you when they don't.

Furthermore, when I feel like I'm not being heard, I feel very trapped. Like am I not describing my suffering well enough for you to understand? Is that why you're not helping? Do you just not care enough about me? etc. And that trapped feeling in turn makes me feel depressed. That's what you're getting with your sister. She's not hearing you, otherwise she'd help, right? But there's a fundamental impasse in her heart or mind that no reasonable amount of talking will break through.

Just assume you're in it on your own. Look for help instead from others who will help, like respite care.
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It's considered elder abuse to refuse or interfere with allowing your sister to see your mother.

Moving your mother to AND from respite care might be more than she can handle and there are lingering concerns about the virus (boosters, variants, etc.), so your best bet is to get in-home overnight aids.
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MAP2013 Oct 2021
It may be elder abuse to prevent the 2nd daughter and mother from seeing each other.
But, that doesn't mean there can't be terms.
I agree with the suggestion that the 2nd daughter can come as she pleases, and daughter #1 will leave the house at that time. This effectively gives the caregiver needed respite, and leaves it up to Daughter #2 if she wants to spend time with her mother alone- she isn't being stopped from seeing her mother, she just isn't being accommodated by having someone else do all the work before, during, and after the visit.
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You're situation sounds very similar to mine. I know how it feels to be the only one taking care of a parent. My mom is 98 and I have been taking care of her for almost 11 years. My brother and sister do NOTHING, but I am very fortunate to have a husband who is very helpful. You got some cash for your moms house with your sisters knowledge, and I would say that 10 years of being the only one taking care of her has by far outweighed what you got for her mobile home. My sister is a multi-multi millionaire and in the last 11 years has helped financially in the amount of $300. I can't work because I take care of my mom and once she passes I most likely will have to go back to work to help make ends meet.

I agree with many of the others have said, your sister is toxic and it is best to just write her off. It's really hard to get over the anger and any other negative feelings your sister causes. I wish I had the answer for you. After 11 years I have learned that when I start ruminating about how unfair it is that I am wiping my moms butt while my sister is relaxing on a beach in Hawaii without a care in the world, I just have to physically, out loud tell myself to STOP.

I don't know what your financial situation is, but have you tried calling social services? They may help with free or low cost respite care.
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Lisaball Oct 2021
I totally disagree. You have other options. You are not obligated “to wipe your mom’s butt”. You can hire home health care to come in to help you. There is also adult daycare and respite care. . Her sister does not want to be a caregiver. I went through this with my brother and my elderly mom. I live out of state and my brother refused outside help. I did all the research and found care available. Well he finally burned out and then left so we got home healthcare 5 days a week. And guess what? My mom is doing great. We do not owe our life to caregiving. We should be there to give love as their children.
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atee8s: Imho, do not exhaust any more thoughts nor efforts about your sister being your caregiver 'reliever.' She really never signed up for caregiving, but she gave you a benefit from getting out of a bad marriage and the funds of the mobile home sale. Seek respite through someone else other than your sibling.
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Your sister was up front with you from the beginning about her not wanting to be a caregiver, that was her boundary. Yours was to take care of your mom rather than placing her in a facility. You have a few choices; take some of her income & hire an aide to come in as needed in order for you to live some of your life, place her in a facility, hire someone privately to watch her for an hour or two at a time so that you can have time for yourself. You need to have a plan so that you don't get depressed or burned out. Call your local aging agency for assistance.
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Get a new sister. Let me explain..

I was told when I didn't have enough family to help babysit, to find more. Nurse told me if not enough *family aunts* - get *paid aunts* ie use daycare or a nanny.

My 2c is If you want to keep your relationship with your sister healthy, accept that she is a separate person & has chosen not to be a caregiver.

Find alternatives as you DO definately deserve a break.

It seems like there was a 'social contract' of sorts to take turns. But tring to enforce it now will go no-where. If your sister has chosen not to be a caregiver - you just cannot make her (by guilt, beg or other).

Please don't get buried under the weight of it all. Dig your way out.
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