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You cannot make an abusive unhappy person change.

But you CAN take care of yourself. That is not only within your capabilities but it is crucial to having a good life, and is your responsibility.

Time to stop complaining about an abusive belittling person, and to move on with your own life.
Provide you abusive mother with emergency numbers to call if she needs help.
Consider moving, if not across the country, at least a few states away if you cannot manage to mentally and physically separate from this abusive person.

Get on with your own life in your own home with you own job and your own friends.
You have two chances at family. The one you are born into and the one you make yourself. If the first doesn't work out it's time to get on with the second chance.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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We really need more info, but I wanted to say something moms physical therapist said to me the other day.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink.

We were trying to figure out a way for her to be able to make her coffee, because she can no longer put her arm up high, without server back pain. We both had great solutions, but none of them were good to her.

So you can't make them drink!
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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I am a very patient, tolerant, empathetic person who deals professionally with troubled executives. My friend of 20+ years is now in her early 80's. In 2012, she was diagnosed in the early stages of dementia. She began a campaign of denial, doctors, and diagnoses with the same but more agreeable labels. That made it challenging to have an honest, caring conversation with her when in 2022, solid problems that aligned with Level 4+ dementia appeared with memory, speaking, swallowing, driving, and lack of common sense decision-making. Although covertly evident in years prior, possibly due to a personality disorder, beginning in 2023 my friend overtly began behaving toward me and service personnel in much the same way you describe your mother. She no longer accommodated the Big Picture that others resided in, or interacted with flexibility, informality, or propriety. She produced a cascade of new rules with ultimatums, progressive lies, passive-aggressive moves, and other manipulative attempts to control or punish me for my work/life schedule. When I would not comply, I would be treated as "disobedient," often subjected to public drama, gaslighting, and occasionally to being screamed at, and/or emails focused on character assassination and accusations about things that were a complete mystery to me.

I offer you this profile only to say that this is not a person I spent a lot of time with -- the 6 months out of the year that she was in town, we would meet for dinner or entertainment once weekly, a support program I began after her third divorce. By the end of 2023, she had progressed to such a level of disrespect that I addressed her patterns and asked what was going on. She claimed what I described was inconsistent with her personal values and asked for evidence, so I provided copies of her emails. Soon after, at what became our final dinner, she blew up when traffic caused me to arrive 5 minutes late, said she took it personally, had begun questioning our friendship, and began outlining expectations for my future performance. When I quietly suggested we continue the conversation in private, she escalated until she cleared our room in the restaurant. Enough was enough. I calmly told her we would no longer be getting together for dinners because I was fully committed for a specific period of time. I did not respond to the ensuing abusive emails or her other efforts of engagement that disregarded the boundaries I had stated.

I have certain skills and stamina that enabled me to go this far with a friend who I know is ill. My question to you is: At what point does your mother's behavior affect your mental and emotional equilibrium? Whether or not she is diagnosed, define boundaries for yourself that protect your well-being, and a bottom line Plan B you will act on when enough becomes enough. Therapists and physicians would be able to help you with those decisions.
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Reply to ThoughtForToday
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Has mom been this way a long time or is this new behavior? That’s an important distinction. Where does she live, and with who? Many here would like to be of help, but need more information to do so
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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What would you like help with? We are a forum of caregivers to elderly loved ones ourselves! Place mother in Skilled Nursing with Medicaid paying the bill, that's my suggestion. With no information from you, it's the best advice you can be given.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Are you looking for strategies to change Mother's behaviour? Or ideas to try to manage your responses? Or start a chat about the challenges you face?
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Reply to Beatty
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More information would be helpful to get answers .

Does Mom live alone ? Do you live at Mom’s house ? Does Mom live at your house ?

What exactly does she need help with , bathing , dressing ? Is she incontinent ?
Who makes her meals, cleans , does laundry , shopping , doctor appts ?

Is this brand new behavior , or it's not new but getting worse?

What medical problems does she have ?

Have you taken her to her primary doctor recently to be checked out ? Have you spoken to the doctor about her behavior ?
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Reply to waytomisery
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