She lives in a two-story townhouse. She has expensive taste but no money. Refuses to find something closer to me because there is nothing affordable up to her standards like granite countertops, wood flooring, etc. Also refuses a condo.
I just had to drive there because she has C-Diff and clean her up and call an ambulance because she couldn’t get out of bed by herself. We were on our way to a train for a birthday celebration for my husband.
She has always been narcissistic and self-entitled. When the diarrhea first started, I called my aunt and she drove three hours and she wouldn’t let her in. Then refused treatment from EMT that I called. Three days later she could not get up.
I need to have her move and I’m happy to take care of her. I have a new grandson I will be watching so I cannot go back and forth.
Uhm no, you didn't have to do any of that, you could have sent EMS, and if she chose to not admit them she could suffer the consequences. The way I see it she has zero motivation to change when she knows she can bend you to her will.
You do not have to run there when she beckons call 911. If she wants to be independent, then let her be independent, since you are running there to care for her she is NOT independent and no longer can live alone.
Read around here, your plan has all the benchmarks of not being a doable one.
There are many nice facilities available, she can sell her home and get the care she needs, the days of her fantasy lifestyle are over.
Good Luck!
Champagne taste on a beer budget is just that: taste. A Formica countertop will serve the same purpose as a granite countertop except on the Formica one, she may have a few bucks left over to fix food on it with.
Some old folks never grow up but that doesn't mean we "children" swoop in to rescue them from their own childish behaviors. Call APS to do a wellness check on her and if her living conditions are bad enough, THEY will force her into managed care where she's likely to share a toilet and fuggedabout countertops.
I understand that you are worried about Mom, but she doesn't want you to take care of her so don't. For your own peace of mind, set up an emergency system so that you can get care for Mom when needed. That can be a "Life Alert" or similar button or a voice activated phone system (she can yell and it will call if she can't get to the phone). Will she give you medical POA? If not, a HIPPAA waiver? That way you can talk to her doctors and know how she really is without "mothering" her.
If she is generally healthy but ornery, let her get through the C-Diff and get back to her own, independent life. You can't help someone who doesn't want your help and you will drive yourself crazy if you try. Mom is entitled to make her own decisions (even if they are bad ones) and take care of herself if she doesn't want help.
She has expensive tastes and no money? So even if you did get her to move closer, who's going to pay for her expensive tastes in housing? You? How much is her townhouse worth? Would that be the only money she would have to support herself? Does she get SS, pension?
Or are you planning to move her in with you? If so, are you sure you want to do that? You're new here, but there are a lot of threads and posts about people who have regretted moving their parents in with them.
Now on to the age. You don't mention general debility. Does Mom still drive at this age? Is there any dementia or is she not suffering from that at all? How is her health other than this current bout which is very serious? Is there any way you could stay with her during this illness and its treatment, or do you feel that you are currently having to go back and forth so often that you are enabling her not to be able to choose in facility care?
Only you can say to your Mom that you cannot come any more and if she doesn't have anyone else to call she needs to consider entering Board and Care or other facility. I am so sorry both of you are looking at this crossroad. And do know that until that C-diff is cured there will likely not be an extended care facility accepting due to the somewhat infectious nature of the illness.
Again, I am so sorry and I wish you well.
That sets the perfect stage for her to decide to find an assisted living facility near where she is now. They’ll take care of her and you can spend time with your beloved grandson.
If this demanding narcissist moves anywhere near you, you’ll be miserable within a few months. Her health will deteriorate and you’ll be on the hook to manage her whole life, for which she is not taking responsibility even now. Moving her in with you is not an option. You’d die before she would.
”But what will she do without my help?”
Her circus, her monkeys. Your grandchild, your happiness. Plus it’s easier to change a baby’s diapers than an elderly sick woman’s.
Whatever you do, do not move closer to her. Don't uproot your life to accommodate her unrealistic expectations. You will be miserable.
My dad had an expression when I was growing up. He said, “God helps those who help themselves.”
I didn’t understand what he meant by that expression. I said to him, “Daddy, I don’t understand what you are saying to me. If I help myself then why do I need God?”
His answer was, “He will help you but you will need to do your part. He won’t do everything for you.”
I never forgot that expression. Whether someone believes in God or not, this principle still applies. If we don’t do our part, nothing will change.
Your mom is definitely not doing her part to improve her life. Not only that, she is dragging you down with her. Do your part now and don’t allow her to drag you down. This will force her to act responsibly or suffer the consequences.
I know that you don’t want her to suffer the consequences. I wouldn’t either but even when you drive to her home and you call for help, she doesn’t cooperate with you. So, you have a ‘Damned if you do and damned if you don’t.’ situation here. You can’t win either way.
You have a precious grandchild who is growing up fast. Please take time to cherish that new life.
Wishing you peace as you continue on in your caregiving journey.
I have grandkids that I help with and that is my priority. My mom would love a lot more visits, etc. in AL but I'm not willing to do it. I know she is not happy but life with dementia and RA is not a very happy life. It's just the way it is.