My mother is 84, lives alone an hour and forty minutes from me. She refuses to move closer. Any suggestions?

"I need to have her move and I’m happy to take care of her. I have a new grandson I will be watching so I cannot go back and forth."

She has expensive tastes and no money? So even if you did get her to move closer, who's going to pay for her expensive tastes in housing? You? How much is her townhouse worth? Would that be the only money she would have to support herself? Does she get SS, pension?

Or are you planning to move her in with you? If so, are you sure you want to do that? You're new here, but there are a lot of threads and posts about people who have regretted moving their parents in with them.

"I just had to drive there because she has C-Diff and clean her up and call an ambulance because she couldn’t get out of bed by herself"

Uhm no, you didn't have to do any of that, you could have sent EMS, and if she chose to not admit them she could suffer the consequences. The way I see it she has zero motivation to change when she knows she can bend you to her will.

You are not thinking clearly, you are reacting to the situation. Having her move closer and you being "happy to care for her" will not last 6 months.

You do not have to run there when she beckons call 911. If she wants to be independent, then let her be independent, since you are running there to care for her she is NOT independent and no longer can live alone.

Read around here, your plan has all the benchmarks of not being a doable one.

There are many nice facilities available, she can sell her home and get the care she needs, the days of her fantasy lifestyle are over.

Good Luck!

You do not indicate that mom has dementia. So I am going to answer this with the understanding that she has "full capacity"
You do not drive to clean her up. I don't care if it is 1 minute away, 1 hour away. If she calls you and says that you need to come you tell her that in an emergency you are too far away then call 911 and tell them she needs assistance. If she refuses to let them in that is on her. If you show up 2 hours later, a day later and she is in need of an ER visit you call 911 and they can take her. (If she is the condition like last time they will take her even if she refuses)
Is this the only assistance you give her or do you do other things that make her seem independent but she really isn't?
This sounds like a person that I would not want to be jumping to care for all the time. She would probably be better in Assisted Living where she has people there to help her whenever she needs it.
Your grandson should take priority. What happens if you are babysitting and you get a call from mom, and she has moved 15 minutes away. Packing up all a baby's items, loading them into a car, getting the baby into the car, getting to mom....now how do you clean up mom...that may take an hour to clean her and whatever is soiled... and keep your grandchild occupied and safe while doing that. Might be easier as a baby but in 9 or 10 months it will be more difficult.

Then she also "refuses" any help from you and agrees to call 911 with her own phone next time she needs or wants helps cleaning up a crap storm.

Champagne taste on a beer budget is just that: taste. A Formica countertop will serve the same purpose as a granite countertop except on the Formica one, she may have a few bucks left over to fix food on it with.

Some old folks never grow up but that doesn't mean we "children" swoop in to rescue them from their own childish behaviors. Call APS to do a wellness check on her and if her living conditions are bad enough, THEY will force her into managed care where she's likely to share a toilet and fuggedabout countertops.

You don't need to have her move, she needs to decide to move. From you post, she sounds fairly self-sufficient, other than not wanting help. If the past incident wasn't a wake up call, you may need to wait for an even greater disaster for her make a change.

If she does decide to move, you need to consider how much help you are prepared to provide. If she will only accept help from you, prepare to be at her beck and call 24 hours a day. I would set boundaries before she moves, including how much time and care you are prepared to provide. If she can't accept these boundaries, find another solution. If she does move and doesn't adhere to these boundaries, let any subsequent disasters happen and then make alternative arrangements.

First to the C-Diff. It isn't to be taken lightly. It can literally kill in no time at all if one is already fragile. It often comes after antibiotic treatment or chemo, etc and is the result of the over proliferation of the C Diff due to the balance of gut bacteria being out of whack. It's not as simple as probiotics, and in fact studies show they make no difference. It is treated with heavy duty medications. Right now, and with this condition, your Mom does need some in home or SNF care facility care. Some people end up with the still experimental "poop transplant" method when medications cannot help; they often change things almost immediately when they work. You can look them up online in that very wording or under fecal transplant.

Now on to the age. You don't mention general debility. Does Mom still drive at this age? Is there any dementia or is she not suffering from that at all? How is her health other than this current bout which is very serious? Is there any way you could stay with her during this illness and its treatment, or do you feel that you are currently having to go back and forth so often that you are enabling her not to be able to choose in facility care?

Only you can say to your Mom that you cannot come any more and if she doesn't have anyone else to call she needs to consider entering Board and Care or other facility. I am so sorry both of you are looking at this crossroad. And do know that until that C-diff is cured there will likely not be an extended care facility accepting due to the somewhat infectious nature of the illness.

Again, I am so sorry and I wish you well.

I’d say you’re lucky. She lives far away and refuses to move close to you!

That sets the perfect stage for her to decide to find an assisted living facility near where she is now. They’ll take care of her and you can spend time with your beloved grandson.

If this demanding narcissist moves anywhere near you, you’ll be miserable within a few months. Her health will deteriorate and you’ll be on the hook to manage her whole life, for which she is not taking responsibility even now. Moving her in with you is not an option. You’d die before she would.

”But what will she do without my help?”

Her circus, her monkeys. Your grandchild, your happiness. Plus it’s easier to change a baby’s diapers than an elderly sick woman’s.

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

My dad had an expression when I was growing up. He said, “God helps those who help themselves.”

I didn’t understand what he meant by that expression. I said to him, “Daddy, I don’t understand what you are saying to me. If I help myself then why do I need God?”

His answer was, “He will help you but you will need to do your part. He won’t do everything for you.”

I never forgot that expression. Whether someone believes in God or not, this principle still applies. If we don’t do our part, nothing will change.

Your mom is definitely not doing her part to improve her life. Not only that, she is dragging you down with her. Do your part now and don’t allow her to drag you down. This will force her to act responsibly or suffer the consequences.

I know that you don’t want her to suffer the consequences. I wouldn’t either but even when you drive to her home and you call for help, she doesn’t cooperate with you. So, you have a ‘Damned if you do and damned if you don’t.’ situation here. You can’t win either way.

You have a precious grandchild who is growing up fast. Please take time to cherish that new life.

Wishing you peace as you continue on in your caregiving journey.

NO, you don't want her living near you or with you. Babysit your grandson. Believe me, it will be a lot easier than caring for your Mom. And you will have a nice strong bond with him. I only had 20 months with my GS but it formed a bond. I had to take my Mom in but it was never to be permament. I had her 20 months waiting for her house to sell, it didn't. I took what money she had and placed her in an AL, house still did not sell, so eventually money ran out and I applied for Medicaid and a LTC facility.

Its no longer what Mom wants, its what she needs. If she needs to stay in skilled nursing fir her Cdiff, then thats where she goes. If found she needs 24/7 care, then she gets place where she can afford it. You do not want to take her on. She sounds like trouble to me. Enjoy you grand.

Don't move her closer to you. Stop running there when she has a crisis. Call 911 or APS, etc.

I have grandkids that I help with and that is my priority. My mom would love a lot more visits, etc. in AL but I'm not willing to do it. I know she is not happy but life with dementia and RA is not a very happy life. It's just the way it is.

Simpler than you may realize: let her stay there & hire HER OWN help! You don’t have to “move” because she won’t!

I had the same situation, my mother was 1.5 hours away in an adult apartment, affordable and her friends and services were nearby. Sometimes she would refuse services and wait for the family, but we could not support her every time she called, we would make an effort, but could not drop our own family and work responsiblities for her care everytime she needed it. It started slowly but did start to get more frequent as her health declined and her needs changed. You should not feel guilty for her decisions around care, you do have to be clear to her that her choice to refuse help that is available and she has to own this regardless how long it takes you to get there.

She will move when she is ready and it is right for her. We tried to promote a seniors facility close to us, and this situation she absolutely refused, I am not sure why, it was in her budget, gave her independance and had many services included. When she moved to the apartment she absolutely had to have in home washing, and this took some time to find. In the end she moved closer as we turned the separate apartment in our home to her living space, made some changes and then arranged for PSW support for her other needs, food prep and driving to appointments, etc, this she said worked for her. It is important to note, we did change our situation by her moving closer, we did not become her medical support team, nurse, companion or cleaner, we are just closer to help.

Perhaps you can help find a place that is to her must have requirements nearby, whatever they are, or a place that you can modify. We also had to change the floors for safety reasons after her move, and do some reno on the kitchen. As people age, the standards for living at home change. So you might find something that is close, that you can add to that meets her needs.

Call social services. They can assess her living conditions. Or go to court to get guardianship if she is unsafe.

These kinds of situations are so hard. My dad was the same way, and in some ways still is. I have had to distance myself from him due to those toxic attitudes. It's for each of us to decide what we WILL and WILL NOT put up with. They are family and each of us has our own limits as to what we can or will deal with. Keep in mind that as long as they know they can treat you like crap and get by with it, more than likely things will not change. I truly wish my dad would move closer to us as well. I am in central TEXAS and he's in South Carolina. I have asked several times for him to consider moving here. Like your mom, he refuses to even consider it.

But, honestly if she's in those kind of health conditions it may be time to consider guardianship. Believe me, its not an easy thing to move forward with, but it may be the only way at this point to keep her safe and you sane.

Have a blessed day, and I hope things get better.

Call adult protective services and tell them your mom is endangering herself and refuses help from family.

Whatever you do, do not move closer to her. Don't uproot your life to accommodate her unrealistic expectations. You will be miserable.

I went through this with my dad. We knew he had dementia but he wouldn’t go to a doctor, wouldn’t even come and stay with me for a visit. Eventually he fell down his stairs and was found by a neighbor 3 days later
near death. During his hospital stay he was formally diagnosed with vascular dementia. Amazingly, he recovered enough to come home with me where he lived almost a year until his death. The whole time he demanded to be taken home, but of course he was too far gone to live alone. Sometimes, it takes a crisis. I’d speak to an elder law attorney about what your next steps might be before it gets to that point.

DO NOT HAVE HER MOVE IN!!!

Your "narcissistic and self-entitled" mother is finally doing something considerate by not moving near you. Say thank you, enjoy your grandson, and have a good life.

I understand that you are worried about Mom, but she doesn't want you to take care of her so don't. For your own peace of mind, set up an emergency system so that you can get care for Mom when needed. That can be a "Life Alert" or similar button or a voice activated phone system (she can yell and it will call if she can't get to the phone). Will she give you medical POA? If not, a HIPPAA waiver? That way you can talk to her doctors and know how she really is without "mothering" her.

If she is generally healthy but ornery, let her get through the C-Diff and get back to her own, independent life. You can't help someone who doesn't want your help and you will drive yourself crazy if you try. Mom is entitled to make her own decisions (even if they are bad ones) and take care of herself if she doesn't want help.

is there a professional that she will listen too. I think it’s harsh , the opinions of don’t move her near you.. but I would not move her in. Maybe go at it with the angle of now what mom? Ask her what she will do next time , as you are not available…

Does she have dementia? If not, she is entitled to live how she chooses even if it’s not ideal. And even if she has dementia there is only so much you can do unless you are willing to go through the very expensive, emotionally difficult, and time consuming process of becoming her court appointed guardian so you can place her against her will. People are allowed to crash and burn if that is their choice, and even the courts in most states set the bar VERY high to grant guardianship.

YOU are entitled to not be at her beck and call because of the choices she is making. My father is the same, but I know in his case it would impossible to move him near me and I am not uprooting my life to live with him either. I love him, but he is impossible. I live in NYC and he lives in CA. Wayyyy too complicated and he wouldn’t know a soul here but me. Wouldn’t work. He will not consider AL (really he will need memory care soon but I call it AL becasue he doesn’t think he has a memory problem). He will never agree to leave his home and the mere suggestion we give something a “try” illicits screaming and threats of killing himself if he ever has to go into “one of those places”. So, I wait for an event that will trigger placement and do what I can from here. All I can do for now. I fully expect at some point to get a call from the ER or the police saying they have my dad. At that point I will say he lives alone and is unsafe there, and work with them to get him placed. This happened over a year ago when someone called the police because he was “ranting and raving” and they were scared he was having a stroke. But at the time he had not been DX with Alzheimer’s so once he calmed down the doctors and I agreed he should go home. Now that he is dx, if it happens again I will advocate they not send him home. It’s sad and a terrible way to live waiting for a disaster, but so many on this forum are in the same boat. You are not alone.

There are three things I try to live by to get through this:

-Do your best for them from where you are. At the end of the day know you have done everything you can while also preserving your own life and sanity.

-Stubbornness and lack of planning on their part does NOT require you live in a constant state of emergency on your part.

-People who need help need to relocate to where the help is. Not the other way around. That place could be near you, or into a facility. This will happen to all of us eventually.

If she is happy why fight it. I am sure she can get any help she needs. You can always move closer to her if that is important to you.

You should encourage someone like that to move further away from you, not nearer…

It is not your job to deal with her medical emergencies.

She is going to make your life unlivable. Maybe call her doctor and let them know she needs an intervention, if you live in an area where they might care. You need to enjoy your new grandbaby and the demands she will make will not allow that if you let her live with you. She is not accepting her reality and all that aging has taken from her. That does not change those realities.

Nooooooo don't move closer. Next time an ER visit happens, let social worker find a placement

My sense is that with a narcissistic person / parent, you need to 'take charge,' as best you can. You may start with being / gaining legal authority as much as you can, ie become her POA.
- Even being a narcissistic, she is frightened. In fact, the psychological disorder may be, in part, DUE to her fears - long long ago established. People create strategies for survival although (often) those strategies are not necessarily in our / their best interest. Those strategies need to be replaced with ones that work ... however, she likely is 'too mature' to go through a psychological consciousness changing path. She is stuck psychologically where she is.

* Clearly, she is on a downward spiral if there is no intervention / care, this will continue to be to her detriment / well-being.

You are very kind to want to do whatever you can for her. I sense change for her will continue to be very difficult. No one likes change or feeling they are losing their independence (and they are, although it is more than 'just' a feeling).
I believe it is especially more difficult for
1) a narcissistic personality and
2) dementia inflicted, or
3) a combination of both.

* I would caution you to 'give in' to her domineering / narcissistic ways as she needs guidance, 'rules,' and boundaries. If you do not have any legal authority, you will be at a disadvantage to providing the care she needs.

* In addition, you need to get control of her finances based on what you say.

- If you are not on her accounts (with her), do this if you can.
- If you can, set limits on her (daily) spending, putting limits on what she can spend.
- If you do not or are unable to help her with her finances, she will suffer as time goes on - spending / wasting her money.
- Does she have investment accounts, CDs? Who manages these. Certainly she cannot do it.

* Perhaps hire a geriatric case manager (many are licensed social workers) if you feel you need professional support / guidance.

- I figure she will overwhelm and/or make mince meat (sorry for this analogy) of your 'new' grandson. He doesn't have the experience necessary to really help her, i.e., setting boundaries. She will end up telling him what to do, what she needs. Although I applaud him for being willing to take this on.

- It is challenging for any of us, with years or decades of experience to deal with a narcissistic personality, it will be much more difficult for a young person. Of course, I do not know him or his background/age. Mother needs boundary setting and she will 'kick and scream' - he'll likely not know what to do - this is how she has LEARNED how to get her own way - likely all her life.

* See an attorney to learn of what you can / could do to mange aspects of her life, including when she is medically diagnosed as being incapable of managing her life - both financially and otherwise. She will need a person in this position at some point, if not now.

* With all this said about boundaries and taking legal control as you can, it is EQUALLY important to allow her to express her feelings and that she knows you hear here / are listening. Do reflective listening:

"I hear you saying XXX" - then change the subject or say, yes, and we need to do XXX, too". You want her to feel validated and in control of her life 'her world,' even though she isn't or can't any longer. Do not belabor ... the validating. Do that and move on (you need to be the 'leader of the pack' in dog training language. I LOVE DOGS and training a dog is really teaching the guardian / owner how to 'take charge' and teach the dog what the leader of the pack wants them to do. They do it when they understand who the pack leader is... Clearly, it isn't this cut and dry, although setting boundaries with loving compassion is critically important (for her well being).

Lastly, be sure to put YOURSELF and YOUR health and well-being first - in order to be available / have the energy to deal / manage her / her care

You are in a tough spot, but first step would be to consult an ElderCare attorney and level with him/her....What does the lawyer say that you MUST have in order to make your own life liveable: POA for person and Estate? (probably, as that way you could oversee her finances) Extra hired helper once or twice per week? (Can you or she afford that?) Your own name placed on her accounts? Help from her Primary Care Dr. to persuade her to have Assisted Living Center (if she can afford it )?
See an Elder Care attorney as it's a worthwhile investment for you right now. Please do not move your mother in with you at your family home.

If she refuses to visit Assisted Living facilities in your area, please contact Adult Protective Services to have her evaluated for placement in Assisted Living and, perhaps looking at her needs if you stop coming altogether. Let them know that she will not have anyone to care for her.

She requires a facility and hopefully closer to her income range, either in her area or closer to you.

I thought I’d put this a slightly different way.

M is 84. She loves her house, and she knows her way around it almost automatically. Most of the time, she is OK there. She really really doesn’t want to move. She just wants it to be possible to stay there.

Instead of telling her that she HAS to move, give her at least one alternative. It’s that she has a list of agencies that she can call when she needs help, and she has cameras installed through the house so that you can see if she is OK. If she’s not OK, then YOU call the agencies. Your visits are social because you love her, not for unpaid labor. She continues to spend more than her income, so if and when she cannot avoid moving into a facility, it may be Medicaid standard.

It is actually her right to do this – and probably to hope that she dies in her sleep before the crunch comes. If it’s her choice, you both live with it. Talk it through with her, put it in writing to follow up, and keep copies of the written advice.

It’s possible that she will choose this option. Even possible that she will start to consider alternatives herself. It's better than bashing your head against a brick wall, and making you both miserable.