This is purposeful on my end because she is worsening (has Parkinson's) and needs to be closer to a family member. Long before PD, she was a needier parent. Now it's doubled and I want to be helpful but at the same time not lose my mind. She relies on me for everything, even while she's in assisted living.
Old people, have no patience, they want what they want when they want it, you have taught her how to treat you, time to change the script.
I wish I could like this post a hundred times.
We told her "mom, you have staff; tell THEM".
She still wanted us to come. We said "no, not doing that stuff anymore. You have people to do that. We are your kids. We come to visit, not to do work".
This is called "setting boundaries".
The whole reason for Mom to be in an AL is for her to rely on someone else. Thats what she is paying for. Don't answer the phone. The desk will call u if any emergencies.
She's been in her new place less than 24 hours. I went there last night and we helped her, then this morning I spent two hours and she looked at me like I was awful when I was about to leave. I spent an hour more. By then she was acting like she was too stressed/overwhelmed (Keep in mind ALL OF HER THINGS are unpacked and she has nothing she has to do but rest or eat). She ordered breakfast (couldn't stand the thought of having to push her walker to breakfast). I wheeled her in a wheelchair to lunch, where she talked to two lovely women. But my mother always acts like she would rather lie down and after a while I start to lose empathy. I am sometimes at the point where I could just cry because she drains my energy. Onward I go, after this week I will not be going there more than twice if I can manage it.
So you need to recognize that she is safe, she can do certain things, and when she needs help the staff are there to assist her. She will have to learn how to ask, the rhythm of the days, and the routine of the facility. In time, she will find a certain security in that. With that security will come a sense of peace and she may start to make new friends with the people there.
You are not betraying your mother by leaving when you need to. You are ensuring she is safe, and cared for, but also giving her just enough space and independence that is respectful to her. If your mother is being rude to the other women, let her. She will find her own friends. Don't take her behavior as a personal slight to you. Remember your role only extends as far as you allow it, you are not her parent, caregiver, spouse, sister, best friend. You are her child, but you are also an adult too and deserve to be respected and treated as one.
This is her new home, let the staff assimilate her, pampering her is not the answer.
If there is an emergency the facility will call you.
Back off, she will figure it out.
yesterday conversation… would you get my walker for me, I need to have it to get around this room.… no mom, I took it home with me, you cannot stand anymore. … where are we going for Mother’s Day.?…. Mom, I can’t take you anywhere for Mother’s Day because I can’t put you in my car anymore. …
why can’t I live with you? if I had known I was going to be here like this I would’ve never moved from Tucson…. Well mom, who would’ve taken care of you… can we go to the jewelry store so I can get this ring sized…
This past week I felt like everything with my mother, her hallucinations, paranoia of theft, paranoia of black people, Medicaid, the veterans assistance program, all of it, was just sucking the life out of me…
Try to keep a healthy distance for yourself, and also keep try to keep her content..it’s a balancing act…
Please please pls go over in person without mom to introduce yourself and find out when they have a craft / project scheduled and what you can get them to make it go easier and volunteer for a least a couple of times. Let them know what moms personality and ability level is.
This time of year they are going to do something major red / white / blue for Memorial Day and then July 4th. For a modest investment of time & a buy at Dollar Tree or Goodwill you can buy a ton of crafty items for activities to use, create lots of goodwill, be there in person to see how mom interacts with others (so no more gaslighting on moms sayin’ “nobody loves me” mantras), befriend other residents (& more importantly their family) and now get activities to get mom doing stuff with others.
Don't retiree or quit your job.
Set aside some of your clothing your mother likes and wear them when you visit, she may not always recognize you but she might recognize your clothes.
Don't take negative comments she makes personally.
Keep your visits and calls on a fairly consistent schedule.
Encourage her to make new friendships and learn their names.
If she sends you on errands for foods etc make sure you know exactly it is you need to purchase. My mother refers to whole milk as "sweet milk".
Let her tell you where she wants to go in terms of day trips etc. If she can't handle it then you will need to be firm as why you can't take her. My mother can not go 45 minutes without a bathroom.
If you haven't yet, seek out a counselor that you can talk to about this.
Don't hesitate to ask a Dr. for anxiety reducing drugs.
Learn how to "grey rock".
Don't be a "peace maker" between your mother and family members .
Other relatives make it clear 1 day was their limit. Phone calls may be extra for emotional support or not - up to you.