This is purposeful on my end because she is worsening (has Parkinson's) and needs to be closer to a family member. Long before PD, she was a needier parent. Now it's doubled and I want to be helpful but at the same time not lose my mind. She relies on me for everything, even while she's in assisted living.
The hardest part of this whole thing is the negativity I'm getting from them. I think it's more of a defense mechanism and age-related dementia but I also think they are just adjusting to this "new normal" and it's scary. It's crazy when you have to be the parent to your parents. O.O
Don't retiree or quit your job.
Set aside some of your clothing your mother likes and wear them when you visit, she may not always recognize you but she might recognize your clothes.
Don't take negative comments she makes personally.
Keep your visits and calls on a fairly consistent schedule.
Encourage her to make new friendships and learn their names.
If she sends you on errands for foods etc make sure you know exactly it is you need to purchase. My mother refers to whole milk as "sweet milk".
Let her tell you where she wants to go in terms of day trips etc. If she can't handle it then you will need to be firm as why you can't take her. My mother can not go 45 minutes without a bathroom.
If you haven't yet, seek out a counselor that you can talk to about this.
Don't hesitate to ask a Dr. for anxiety reducing drugs.
Learn how to "grey rock".
Don't be a "peace maker" between your mother and family members .
Please please pls go over in person without mom to introduce yourself and find out when they have a craft / project scheduled and what you can get them to make it go easier and volunteer for a least a couple of times. Let them know what moms personality and ability level is.
This time of year they are going to do something major red / white / blue for Memorial Day and then July 4th. For a modest investment of time & a buy at Dollar Tree or Goodwill you can buy a ton of crafty items for activities to use, create lots of goodwill, be there in person to see how mom interacts with others (so no more gaslighting on moms sayin’ “nobody loves me” mantras), befriend other residents (& more importantly their family) and now get activities to get mom doing stuff with others.
AL is just that; it is supposed to be a place for our loved ones to get "assistance" but they can't always articulate what they want, get what they need, and it is frustrating. Food and care are big ticket items in AL and often times, falls short.
I have to remind myself from time to time, she has to live her life and I have to live mine. We all need limits.
Do the best you can each day. You can't "fix old." None of this will get better. That is a tough one to accept, but I work on it each day. This article really helped me. I hope it helps you.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregiver-fix-it-mentality-leads-to-burnout-152629.htm
The caregivers on the ward are very adept on handling/redirecting these people. For instance, when it is time for me to leave (she wants me to sit and watch her sleep), I tell her I'm leaving, walk with her to the activity room, then hand her off to one of people in the activity room. She will frequently say things like "but I have to say goodbye" and "is she already gone?". They reply "You already said goodbye and she has left" even though I'm standing at the door.
I don't know whether your Mom can still write or not. I gave my Mom a notebook to write all the things I needed to do. Neither she nor I could read what was in the Notebook, however, it gave her peace of mind (and sometimes, I did figure it out during a visit).
At first, I was only going to visit her 3-4 times a week. However, I found out that I could make the visits shorter by visiting her more often. I think the nurses liked it that I came every day also. I try to bring a cut up orange or a cookie or something that I know she will like that they don't provide. It is possible that the more frequent visits, although shorter, also reduced the neediness.
The first few times is very hard to get away. The LO keeps on saying "oh I forgot to tell you" and in the past, that would stop me from leaving. Now, I am able to say, "you can tell me all about it tomorrow" and that changes the conversation.
You will become adept at this! Just don't go there when you are on a tight timeline. It makes the visit more rushed and the LO becomes more clingy and all you can think about is getting away. You can do this. Congrats for getting her into AL!
yesterday conversation… would you get my walker for me, I need to have it to get around this room.… no mom, I took it home with me, you cannot stand anymore. … where are we going for Mother’s Day.?…. Mom, I can’t take you anywhere for Mother’s Day because I can’t put you in my car anymore. …
why can’t I live with you? if I had known I was going to be here like this I would’ve never moved from Tucson…. Well mom, who would’ve taken care of you… can we go to the jewelry store so I can get this ring sized…
This past week I felt like everything with my mother, her hallucinations, paranoia of theft, paranoia of black people, Medicaid, the veterans assistance program, all of it, was just sucking the life out of me…
Try to keep a healthy distance for yourself, and also keep try to keep her content..it’s a balancing act…
when I moved my mom , I went once a week sometimes 2, I called every other day..if she was in distress she called me…
I now visit twice a week , she has declined.
I can’t visit daily. It’s just too much ..
Truth, my mom can’t use the phone now, I’m relieved…
I know I shouldn’t be, but I am also concerned about people being judgmental about her going into AL. She tends to act very “together” when around other people, and very needy around us. It was her decision to go. We did not make her. But I know she never wanted to . A cousin was visiting and just seemed shocked that she was going to AL. She said to me, “I’ll take her, she can live with me”. I said, “Ok, you can take her”. She laughed, but I felt a little judgement, as if I was forcing my mother to go. I explained about the falls and the issues with her 02, her various health issues. She agreed, but still seemed troubled.
No one truly knows what caregiving for a parent is like till they do it themselves.
Has anyone had a parent try AL only to demand to return “home”? This is my fear.
This is her new home, let the staff assimilate her, pampering her is not the answer.
If there is an emergency the facility will call you.
Back off, she will figure it out.
She won't get into the swing of things if you're always there. Would it feel okay to you to call in 2 days to see how she's getting on and then visiting next week once?
She's been in her new place less than 24 hours. I went there last night and we helped her, then this morning I spent two hours and she looked at me like I was awful when I was about to leave. I spent an hour more. By then she was acting like she was too stressed/overwhelmed (Keep in mind ALL OF HER THINGS are unpacked and she has nothing she has to do but rest or eat). She ordered breakfast (couldn't stand the thought of having to push her walker to breakfast). I wheeled her in a wheelchair to lunch, where she talked to two lovely women. But my mother always acts like she would rather lie down and after a while I start to lose empathy. I am sometimes at the point where I could just cry because she drains my energy. Onward I go, after this week I will not be going there more than twice if I can manage it.
So you need to recognize that she is safe, she can do certain things, and when she needs help the staff are there to assist her. She will have to learn how to ask, the rhythm of the days, and the routine of the facility. In time, she will find a certain security in that. With that security will come a sense of peace and she may start to make new friends with the people there.
You are not betraying your mother by leaving when you need to. You are ensuring she is safe, and cared for, but also giving her just enough space and independence that is respectful to her. If your mother is being rude to the other women, let her. She will find her own friends. Don't take her behavior as a personal slight to you. Remember your role only extends as far as you allow it, you are not her parent, caregiver, spouse, sister, best friend. You are her child, but you are also an adult too and deserve to be respected and treated as one.
Do not take all of her calls. Do not go running every time she demands something. Schedule phone time when you will talk to her and time you will spend with her then let that be it.
Old people, have no patience, they want what they want when they want it, you have taught her how to treat you, time to change the script.
I wish I could like this post a hundred times.
Other relatives make it clear 1 day was their limit. Phone calls may be extra for emotional support or not - up to you.
The whole reason for Mom to be in an AL is for her to rely on someone else. Thats what she is paying for. Don't answer the phone. The desk will call u if any emergencies.
Parkinson's disease also has cognitive decline; maybe your mom is showing this as one of her early symptoms?
As difficult as I found it, I encouraged my mother to come to my house at any time BUT I asked her if it was something that needed my attention right now (usually wasn't), poured her a glass of tea, pointed out the fruit bowl, told her I would be with her in a few minutes and went back to work in my office. By the time I could take a break she was usually calmed down. It was like being in my home and seeing me work through the office's french doors was comforting.
Maybe you could let some of her calls go to a comforting voice mail? I know some vm systems will let you use a specialized greeting for a given caller.
We told her "mom, you have staff; tell THEM".
She still wanted us to come. We said "no, not doing that stuff anymore. You have people to do that. We are your kids. We come to visit, not to do work".
This is called "setting boundaries".