My mother is wearing me out, can anyone relate?

My 77-year-old husband has been diagnosed with mild to moderate dementia, but if this is just the start, I'm in for a very bad time. He's 15 years old than I, so he will sometimes treat me like a child instead of a wife. I went through the frustrations with both of my parents. Since they passed away, I thought I was finally going to get to live a less stressful life. Then, just about 2 years after my mother died, my husband fell and broke his shoulder. It's been a constant battle since he fell last Thanksgiving. Now I'm moving us from our home of nearly 16 years to an independent living facility. So in addition to his constant griping, I'm trying to downsize and move. My step-daughter has left her husband and two sons, and she is useless to us. I have no children of my own. As one of the posters said, when the person who is wearing you out is your spouse, then the support you would normally get is missing. My family lives in another state and have their own issues, so I don't want to bother them. I'm hoping this move to the independent living facility will make a difference. For one thing, my husband will have more socialization than he has right now. Even though it isn't an assisted-living facility, the managers and residents keep an eye on each other and are aware when someone is missing meals. This should be good for my husband. As I will be the youngest person living there, I anticipate being a surrogate child/grandchild for some of the older residents. I may be letting myself in for a whole new set of challenges! I'm trying to be proactive about his decline. But I may need a softly padded room before it is all over. I wish all of the people who had trouble with their own parents would be able to remember those troubles when they get to BE LIKE THEIR PARENTS. I hope I'm nicer to my future caregiver!!! Blessings to all of you on this post who are ready to give up. Just remember that it will/could be us sooner than we would like.

I feel for you. I am caring for an elder, and it's wearing me out! (Oh yes - just add high-functioning autism to the burden of caregiving! WOOF! I might as well be the first caregiver of the elderly with autism!) Recently have to put up with her asking me favors in regards to deathbed visions, and that resulted in having her pull the goshdarn catheter and oxygen mask out (With her pulling out the catheter resulted in wetting the bed and me having to call my aunt and cousin to change it.)

I need some respite care badly. I really do, Just have to find a place to stay and stretch out so that my elder can be cared for when I'm gone for a few days. I happen to live in the Tampa Bay Area, which is staycation country. (Staycations are vacations within or very near my area, mind you.)

Maybe you too, need some respite care. If you have family members willing to pitch in, that will be great. Free respite care right there! Just my two cents (and the influence of finding relatives to stay with my elder and a hotel in my area)! And I'm glad that you're in AgingCare - absolutely one of the best caregiver support groups on the Web. Use it to your advantage. (Extra credit, find a physical support group in your area as well!)

Oh, and check out HappyRambles. I use the site to write about how my days went and show gratitude for the things I have or who I have encountered even if I'm having a rough day as I am having now! And I want to look up "a parent's love" on YouTube. It's really one of the most endearing, comforting, and tearjerking Web vids I've ever seen. It really made me realize why I'm caring for my elder - I'm doing it just to be there with her through her final days of her life. Don't just watch it once, watch it again and again if you can. Especially when the going gets rough for you in regards for caring for your mother, that video can open you up (and make you cry).

Oh, and please care for yourself. Exercise, eat right, get enough sleep, pray and meditate. Perhaps add EFT, or Emotional Freedom Technique (look it up) to the list of things that will keep you sand caring for her! Take care - you're doing MARVELOUS!

My heart goes out to all of you. Mom unexpectedly had to come with me for surgery...I provided post surgery care taking time off from work...then, gall bladder attacks followed by another surgery, daily stomach issues, dehydration, ER visits, ambulances..when mom felt ok she wanted my undivided attention when I wasnt working..having had this experience myself I suggest bring in care givers under the guise if you have to that the CG is there to help you with xyz. kick your shoes off when the caregiver is there and hopefully down the road you can actually leave the house alone. also many nursing homes and convalescent hospitals offer respte care meaning you place the LO there for a few days..
once your LO's money runs out they should qualify to medicaid..

I've been there and it sent me to the ER twice! You can't do this alone even with an understanding spouse. Talk to an elder care specialist who can help you work thru this from the financial and medical standpoints. And don't ignore your own emotional and physical health. Take charge of YOUR life.

PS I have been there too. while some of you gained weight, I lost much because I could not eat...you can't do it alone without respite. if there is respite you can do it. it took me a long time to get to the healthy place i am now. I used to have caregivers come in to give me a break and the only thing I did during those not long enough breaks was sleep.. It took a long time to catch up on sleep.

Too much pain and sadness. By taking care of yourself, you are taking care of your loved one. Love yourself for everything that you do~

It is so sad when the "golden years" become so tarnished by the actions of those we care for on a daily basis. You need to take a break from being on the front line...have you checked with your local Area Office on Aging to see if they have a Senior Companion that could visit several times a week. Keep in mind they often are not as demanding of an outsider as they are of you. Does your local Alzheimer's Association have respite dollars that would allow you to give her a weekend at a local assisted living...promote the whirl pool, socialization, etc as a benefit. It is not written that families must take abuse. Have you read her insurance policies to see if she has a home health benefit that could provide some support through chore services to help with a bath, change and wash her bedding, clothes etc...to alleviate some of your burden.
Honor they father and mother never meant you had to take abuse. Caregivers need as much or sometimes more support than the person they are caring for. Bless you.

Drummer ,DON'T give up!! Believe me there is help out there. I had to fight to find help and it took a long time. I just don't know where to lead you

i think we can all relate to you

When things get as bad as so many of you have said, it is time for AL or some facility where your loved one can get the care needed 24/7 that won't end up putting you in an early grave. Don't accept martyrdom as the only way. You have to dig deep sometimes to find the courage to do what is ultimately best for all concerned. Hang what the rest of the say...unless they've walked in your shoes, they don't deserve an input. Do what is best for you and your loved one...now...before it's too late. Call an elder attorney, your local agency on aging, the doctors....do it! Save yourself! What happens if you get sick and hospitalized? What happens to your loved one? Will they just be left home alone to die from hunger or dehydration? There is no reason to feel guilty or bad...it is what is best for EVERYONE in the long run. There are government programs that can help. Call today! God bless you!

In a word...yes. I have pulled the day off trick on rare occasions too. I recall a birthday when I was given the day off after actually showing up for work. I did not go home or call. :) My days off are for her, in her opinion. I am working on getting my Mom into a daycare situation. she needs to socialize and have some other ficus to her micromanaging than ME.

I meant :focus" . I doubt she would want a ficus. I'd sure try it if I thought it would put her attention elsewhere for a few hours.

Drummer, first of all I have to admit I didn't read all the other comments since my attention span is that of a gnat these days... oh well. So if I'm repeating what everyone else is saying, I apologize. My first thought was, your poor husband. He's got this stressed out wife that won't go on vacation, avoids her mother by not coming home to be with him and the one kid left, has admittedly gained weight and I'm assuming the romance between you and he has 'left the building' so to speak. You need to make so some changes girl! What does your hubby say about this? Does he have any words of wisdom about his mother-in-law, or is he thinking that he's not invited to dealing with your mother? Is it kinda like when two people are trying to blend their kids together after they get married? He's afraid to discipline HER kids, and she's afraid to discipline HIS kids? Is your husband afraid you won't take or follow thru with whatever idea he has for YOUR mother? I hope not. Sit down with your husband and come up with a plan for this needy mother of yours. Be logical about it, don't let your emotions swallow you up, which is why I would suggest hubby as the sounding board. He's probably going to be the more logical of two of you in this situation. Don't find yourself with a resentful, disappointed & hurt husband and kids when your mother is gone.

Yes, I can relate....and it is awful.

I talked my mom, who was living alone 60 miles away, to come and live with me just 6 months after my wonderful husband of 35 yrs passed away, and the next day she quit taking baths and using the toilet. She does not want to do anything. She has been tested for everything. All tests are negative and she has just got lazy and just doesn't care. Says I owe her. She has home health come in and a NP comes to the house too. OT and PT was coming but she won't cooperate so they said they are not coming anymore. I am becoming very bitter that she won't use the bedside toilet. I am sick of cleaning up poop when she won't even try to stand, turn, and sit on that toilet. I lost my good job and insurance to care for her. I do everything to help her and she says I treat her like trash! She has only been here, sleeping in my bedroom, for six months. (I sleep in the guest room.) She complains so much. I left home when I was 18 b/c I didn't get along with her. I don't know what I was thinking bringing her into my home. My house is paid for and she pays for the utilities and food. She likes to say "If you put me in a nursing home, my money goes with me"....well, my happiness is more important and I can find another job. She is jealous of my sons and grandchildren. WEIRD! She has the personality of a razor blade. I wanted her here since we are both alone now but I think I have made a mistake. The health care providers say she qualifies for a nursing home but it seems like such a shame. So sad....thanks for listening.

Yup, it sure is sad, onlychild1958. Let her use her money to pay for a nice nursing home. Tell her you'll gladly help her by taking her around to visit the most likely places. Of course it will cost her way, way more than she is paying you, but if she runs out of money she should qualify for Medicaid.

Then find a good job with health insurance benefits. Visit Mom as convenient. Send her cards. Call her. Continue to love her. Just don't clean up her poop any more. :D

onlychild, I am so sorry for you. You wanted to do what you felt what right and best for your Mom (and you), but it has backfired. Let her go to a NH and as jeannegibbs said, call, visit, send her cards, but you do not need to accept her form of abuse. How in the world was she living on her own? You must be relatively young. Don't give up your life and don't let anyone make you feel guilty. You don't deserve being treated this way. No one does. Doesn't matter how good your intentions are or how much you love your Mom. You cannot live like this for long and maintain your own health. Good luck and God bless.

My mom was in a short term pt rehab in Feb. and every eve I went to visit after work and I knew her free Medicare days were just about up and I told my job that I was going to have to take time off for my mom and HR advised me that since my FMLA has been exhausted due to my husband's illness, I would have to choose between caring for my mom or working the required 40 hours. I chose mom and so they let me give a 2 week notice. I didn't want my mom to feel guilty about that so I told her I was getting laid off. Well, when she got here she just kept going on and on and on about how I don't care about her so finally I was so upset I said mom let me tell you, I did not get laid off, I had to choose my job or you and I chose you. So, quit saying that I don't care! --- Her response was "Well, that was stupid on your part, and it is not my problem"!! I thought I was going to faint. - It is taking everything I have within me to keep her out of that NH. I cry a lot. She is wearing me out.

Correction, not Feb. 2013. It was Dec. 2012

I think she is bored for one thing- her life is the 4 walls of your home and she has no friends or activities- and perhaps afraid of her own vulnerability. She used to be able to drive and go and do anything she wanted. You are now her only world. To take off the pressure, can you get her involved in some activity she is interested in so she can make friends? Also, you can find a companion for her for an inexpensive person who has been screened to come and be a companion for several hours a day and talk with her, help her, do some cooking, even take her out places. We actually did some of that, my husband and I, when we wanted extra income. This could take some of the strain off of you. I hope it will.

my mom is91 year young! I work and do all her running and chasing,besides taking her to the doctors when she has to go. BUT..... when I'm with my mom we talk, play cards and I even help her cook, sure she gets mad, but that because she can't see like she use to do. I even help her bake her favorite cake (dark chocolate with black walnuts) I love spending time with my mom, because when she gone! ! ! ! than what? ? ?all that are you are left with are the memories! ! : (

Onlychild1958: Unfortunately you may have made the wrong choice for the right reasons. Your mother is unhappy about her situation and you are the easiest one to blame so she isn't likely to appreciate the sacrifice you made on her behalf. I can well understand how hurt you feel because I also had to leave my job in order to care for my husband. I do have him in adult day care a few times a week so that I can work part time and consider my job to be like a vacation compared to taking care of him at home. However I really miss my full-time job which was a lot more stimulating than the part time job I have now. If your mother is going to be unhappy anyway, casting you in the role of the person responsible for her unhappiness, maybe you should consider putting her in a nursing home and resuming your career, if not at your former job, then elsewhere. Your current situation could go on for many years and isn't likely to improve so you should really think in terms of taking care of yourself.

I'm a newbie here, but I think it is worse for us when we hope/expect to be treated fairly by people who can no longer do that. It's sort of an Al-Anon principle. The drunk will do the things that drunks do. The not-very-nice parent will never be nice. The formerly nice parent who has changed can't change back.

We don't like it, but if we can stop wishing it were different, it might get a little easier. For about 30 seconds, anyway.

Jinx makes a good point. How does that prayer go: Grant me the strength to change the things I can, accept the things I can't and the wisdom to know the difference? Amen! Alleluia! Right now, I'm not doing very well on the accepting part.

Hi terrim, my mom has never drove, never had a drivers license. She doesn't want to do ANYTHING but watch TV. She doesn't walk, or even stand. Not for me or anyone. She doesn't want the lady to come and give her a bath, she keeps telling them no my daughter can do it, so they have even cancelled the bath. Only the NP and the nurse comes out now b/c she is uncooperative. It is her way or no way. I told her she was going to have to bend a little and she grit her teeth at me and said "I don't bend". To go to the dr or the hospital, an ambulance has to come and get her cause she won't even try to stand. It is very strange to me. If it is uncomfortable, like PT, she wants nothing to do with it. She says it hurts and she's not doing it. Her medical providers keep telling her she has to move around a little at least or she is really going to be in trouble and she truly ignores them. She won't even lay on her side in bed cause it hurts her ribs. She wants me to work the remote to the bed. That's how bad it is.

dvingo, that is great that you have a loving relationship with your mom. I am jealous :)

My dad lived with me for 5 years prior to going into a NH. I remember that lack of privacy. And my dad and I got along well. He's a very nice and kind man and very easy going. Out of the two of us, I'm probably the more difficult one! But it was hard. So hard. The only thing I did was care for my dad so when friends would call I had nothing to talk about, so I just stopped talking to people. I had nothing to offer in a conversation. I felt obligated to bring my dad with me wherever I went because his Dr. said he shouldn't be driving anymore. I was the one who brought that subject up so I felt like I owed my dad to take him with me everywhere. Not that I went anywhere exciting. I went to Walmart. Or to the grocery. But he'd come with me and I'd have to get a wheelchair or find a motor cart. It was not what I envisioned for my life. I felt very isolated and depressed, as did my dad. It worked for several years but that last year when he began to decline I don't know who was more unhappy, him or me.

Then a set of circumstances and health crises landed him in a NH and the social worker approached me about having him stay there and not just for therapy. My family supported that decision so that I could have my life back and my dad begrudgingly agreed. The guilt tore me up. I still wake up in the middle of the night thinking I hear him calling for me. And him not living with me was not the clean break I expected. There was a lot of transition, a lot of upheaval. It was very stressful and where you gained 50 lbs I lost 20 lbs because my stomach twists into knots when I'm stressed. And the caregiving hasn't stopped. My dad wants a lot. He wants more visits. He wants me to quit my job so I can spend everyday with him (he has dementia now). He calls me and tells me that the other residents are being abused (I know they're not). He calls me at 11pm to tell me he saw one of the other residents with an Uzi. He's not afraid. I asked him if he was. He's not, he feels like he has a lot of power because he's aware of all of these shenanigans going on. He hallucinates. I could go on.....

My life definately became better once my dad went into the NH and before my dad began going downhill he was fairly happy and had made friends and participated in activities. I'm not happy that my dad is in a NH but I am grateful that he's being taken care of by professionals now. I wonder if his descent into dementia would have occured had I kept him at home. I can't shake the guilt but I try to rationalize it and I can live with it. I'm productive again. Working in a job I enjoy. I'm proud of the life I've created after caring for my dad. I still have responsibilites to him. He still sees me as his caregiver and is only truly happy when I'm with him. Advocating for him is a lot of work but this I can split with my brother and we both do our share. I didn't automatically become HAPPY once I was on my own again. I had to work for it and that wasn't something I anticipated. I still get sad...depressed....when it comes to my dad and I think about him all day, everyday. He's the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of before I go to sleep.

So my life after being a hands-on, everyday caregiver is not always rosy. Being a caregiver had a profound effect on my life that I imagine will stay with me. And while my dad is still with us I still feel that obligation everyday, I still feel responsible for him, and I still feel like a caregiver. Because I am. When I visit my dad I have 100 different little fires to put out while I'm there. My brother is able to talk to my dad about movies and tv shows, pleasant conversations. I get the crying, the depression, the hallucinations and the overall misery that my dad won't discuss with my brother. I talked to the social worker about it one time, about why my brother and I have totally different kinds of visits with our dad and she said it was because I'm the caregiver. I cared for him for 5 years and I'm still caring for him and always will until the day he dies.

CydniS make an appt with an Assit Living and the professionals there will tell you what happens when the money runs out. I believe they provide housing for her, maybe a shared room, but they will not throw her out. But do it right away. Everyone else needs to learn BOUNDARIES...put your hand up as soon as any abuse starts ad state: THat is enough, go sit down....Do not allow any verbal abuse, it will only escalate. Just as you would do with your children.

I was totally exhausted when my mom passed . It has taken me these four months and I'm still not back to myself yet. I was told by hospice that it takes time.

As someone else noted early on, I think EVERYONE here can relate. If you are out here, reading anything at all on this site, you can relate.

Grace and strength to all!