My mother is wearing me out, can anyone relate?

my mom is91 year young! I work and do all her running and chasing,besides taking her to the doctors when she has to go. BUT..... when I'm with my mom we talk, play cards and I even help her cook, sure she gets mad, but that because she can't see like she use to do. I even help her bake her favorite cake (dark chocolate with black walnuts) I love spending time with my mom, because when she gone! ! ! ! than what? ? ?all that are you are left with are the memories! ! : (

I think she is bored for one thing- her life is the 4 walls of your home and she has no friends or activities- and perhaps afraid of her own vulnerability. She used to be able to drive and go and do anything she wanted. You are now her only world. To take off the pressure, can you get her involved in some activity she is interested in so she can make friends? Also, you can find a companion for her for an inexpensive person who has been screened to come and be a companion for several hours a day and talk with her, help her, do some cooking, even take her out places. We actually did some of that, my husband and I, when we wanted extra income. This could take some of the strain off of you. I hope it will.

Correction, not Feb. 2013. It was Dec. 2012

My mom was in a short term pt rehab in Feb. and every eve I went to visit after work and I knew her free Medicare days were just about up and I told my job that I was going to have to take time off for my mom and HR advised me that since my FMLA has been exhausted due to my husband's illness, I would have to choose between caring for my mom or working the required 40 hours. I chose mom and so they let me give a 2 week notice. I didn't want my mom to feel guilty about that so I told her I was getting laid off. Well, when she got here she just kept going on and on and on about how I don't care about her so finally I was so upset I said mom let me tell you, I did not get laid off, I had to choose my job or you and I chose you. So, quit saying that I don't care! --- Her response was "Well, that was stupid on your part, and it is not my problem"!! I thought I was going to faint. - It is taking everything I have within me to keep her out of that NH. I cry a lot. She is wearing me out.

onlychild, I am so sorry for you. You wanted to do what you felt what right and best for your Mom (and you), but it has backfired. Let her go to a NH and as jeannegibbs said, call, visit, send her cards, but you do not need to accept her form of abuse. How in the world was she living on her own? You must be relatively young. Don't give up your life and don't let anyone make you feel guilty. You don't deserve being treated this way. No one does. Doesn't matter how good your intentions are or how much you love your Mom. You cannot live like this for long and maintain your own health. Good luck and God bless.

Yup, it sure is sad, onlychild1958. Let her use her money to pay for a nice nursing home. Tell her you'll gladly help her by taking her around to visit the most likely places. Of course it will cost her way, way more than she is paying you, but if she runs out of money she should qualify for Medicaid.

Then find a good job with health insurance benefits. Visit Mom as convenient. Send her cards. Call her. Continue to love her. Just don't clean up her poop any more. :D

I talked my mom, who was living alone 60 miles away, to come and live with me just 6 months after my wonderful husband of 35 yrs passed away, and the next day she quit taking baths and using the toilet. She does not want to do anything. She has been tested for everything. All tests are negative and she has just got lazy and just doesn't care. Says I owe her. She has home health come in and a NP comes to the house too. OT and PT was coming but she won't cooperate so they said they are not coming anymore. I am becoming very bitter that she won't use the bedside toilet. I am sick of cleaning up poop when she won't even try to stand, turn, and sit on that toilet. I lost my good job and insurance to care for her. I do everything to help her and she says I treat her like trash! She has only been here, sleeping in my bedroom, for six months. (I sleep in the guest room.) She complains so much. I left home when I was 18 b/c I didn't get along with her. I don't know what I was thinking bringing her into my home. My house is paid for and she pays for the utilities and food. She likes to say "If you put me in a nursing home, my money goes with me"....well, my happiness is more important and I can find another job. She is jealous of my sons and grandchildren. WEIRD! She has the personality of a razor blade. I wanted her here since we are both alone now but I think I have made a mistake. The health care providers say she qualifies for a nursing home but it seems like such a shame. So sad....thanks for listening.

Yes, I can relate....and it is awful.

Drummer, first of all I have to admit I didn't read all the other comments since my attention span is that of a gnat these days... oh well. So if I'm repeating what everyone else is saying, I apologize. My first thought was, your poor husband. He's got this stressed out wife that won't go on vacation, avoids her mother by not coming home to be with him and the one kid left, has admittedly gained weight and I'm assuming the romance between you and he has 'left the building' so to speak. You need to make so some changes girl! What does your hubby say about this? Does he have any words of wisdom about his mother-in-law, or is he thinking that he's not invited to dealing with your mother? Is it kinda like when two people are trying to blend their kids together after they get married? He's afraid to discipline HER kids, and she's afraid to discipline HIS kids? Is your husband afraid you won't take or follow thru with whatever idea he has for YOUR mother? I hope not. Sit down with your husband and come up with a plan for this needy mother of yours. Be logical about it, don't let your emotions swallow you up, which is why I would suggest hubby as the sounding board. He's probably going to be the more logical of two of you in this situation. Don't find yourself with a resentful, disappointed & hurt husband and kids when your mother is gone.

I meant :focus" . I doubt she would want a ficus. I'd sure try it if I thought it would put her attention elsewhere for a few hours.

In a word...yes. I have pulled the day off trick on rare occasions too. I recall a birthday when I was given the day off after actually showing up for work. I did not go home or call. :) My days off are for her, in her opinion. I am working on getting my Mom into a daycare situation. she needs to socialize and have some other ficus to her micromanaging than ME.

When things get as bad as so many of you have said, it is time for AL or some facility where your loved one can get the care needed 24/7 that won't end up putting you in an early grave. Don't accept martyrdom as the only way. You have to dig deep sometimes to find the courage to do what is ultimately best for all concerned. Hang what the rest of the say...unless they've walked in your shoes, they don't deserve an input. Do what is best for you and your loved one...now...before it's too late. Call an elder attorney, your local agency on aging, the doctors....do it! Save yourself! What happens if you get sick and hospitalized? What happens to your loved one? Will they just be left home alone to die from hunger or dehydration? There is no reason to feel guilty or bad...it is what is best for EVERYONE in the long run. There are government programs that can help. Call today! God bless you!

i think we can all relate to you

Drummer ,DON'T give up!! Believe me there is help out there. I had to fight to find help and it took a long time. I just don't know where to lead you

It is so sad when the "golden years" become so tarnished by the actions of those we care for on a daily basis. You need to take a break from being on the front line...have you checked with your local Area Office on Aging to see if they have a Senior Companion that could visit several times a week. Keep in mind they often are not as demanding of an outsider as they are of you. Does your local Alzheimer's Association have respite dollars that would allow you to give her a weekend at a local assisted living...promote the whirl pool, socialization, etc as a benefit. It is not written that families must take abuse. Have you read her insurance policies to see if she has a home health benefit that could provide some support through chore services to help with a bath, change and wash her bedding, clothes etc...to alleviate some of your burden.
Honor they father and mother never meant you had to take abuse. Caregivers need as much or sometimes more support than the person they are caring for. Bless you.

Too much pain and sadness. By taking care of yourself, you are taking care of your loved one. Love yourself for everything that you do~

PS I have been there too. while some of you gained weight, I lost much because I could not eat...you can't do it alone without respite. if there is respite you can do it. it took me a long time to get to the healthy place i am now. I used to have caregivers come in to give me a break and the only thing I did during those not long enough breaks was sleep.. It took a long time to catch up on sleep.

I've been there and it sent me to the ER twice! You can't do this alone even with an understanding spouse. Talk to an elder care specialist who can help you work thru this from the financial and medical standpoints. And don't ignore your own emotional and physical health. Take charge of YOUR life.

My heart goes out to all of you. Mom unexpectedly had to come with me for surgery...I provided post surgery care taking time off from work...then, gall bladder attacks followed by another surgery, daily stomach issues, dehydration, ER visits, ambulances..when mom felt ok she wanted my undivided attention when I wasnt working..having had this experience myself I suggest bring in care givers under the guise if you have to that the CG is there to help you with xyz. kick your shoes off when the caregiver is there and hopefully down the road you can actually leave the house alone. also many nursing homes and convalescent hospitals offer respte care meaning you place the LO there for a few days..
once your LO's money runs out they should qualify to medicaid..

I feel for you. I am caring for an elder, and it's wearing me out! (Oh yes - just add high-functioning autism to the burden of caregiving! WOOF! I might as well be the first caregiver of the elderly with autism!) Recently have to put up with her asking me favors in regards to deathbed visions, and that resulted in having her pull the goshdarn catheter and oxygen mask out (With her pulling out the catheter resulted in wetting the bed and me having to call my aunt and cousin to change it.)

I need some respite care badly. I really do, Just have to find a place to stay and stretch out so that my elder can be cared for when I'm gone for a few days. I happen to live in the Tampa Bay Area, which is staycation country. (Staycations are vacations within or very near my area, mind you.)

Maybe you too, need some respite care. If you have family members willing to pitch in, that will be great. Free respite care right there! Just my two cents (and the influence of finding relatives to stay with my elder and a hotel in my area)! And I'm glad that you're in AgingCare - absolutely one of the best caregiver support groups on the Web. Use it to your advantage. (Extra credit, find a physical support group in your area as well!)

Oh, and check out HappyRambles. I use the site to write about how my days went and show gratitude for the things I have or who I have encountered even if I'm having a rough day as I am having now! And I want to look up "a parent's love" on YouTube. It's really one of the most endearing, comforting, and tearjerking Web vids I've ever seen. It really made me realize why I'm caring for my elder - I'm doing it just to be there with her through her final days of her life. Don't just watch it once, watch it again and again if you can. Especially when the going gets rough for you in regards for caring for your mother, that video can open you up (and make you cry).

Oh, and please care for yourself. Exercise, eat right, get enough sleep, pray and meditate. Perhaps add EFT, or Emotional Freedom Technique (look it up) to the list of things that will keep you sand caring for her! Take care - you're doing MARVELOUS!

My 77-year-old husband has been diagnosed with mild to moderate dementia, but if this is just the start, I'm in for a very bad time. He's 15 years old than I, so he will sometimes treat me like a child instead of a wife. I went through the frustrations with both of my parents. Since they passed away, I thought I was finally going to get to live a less stressful life. Then, just about 2 years after my mother died, my husband fell and broke his shoulder. It's been a constant battle since he fell last Thanksgiving. Now I'm moving us from our home of nearly 16 years to an independent living facility. So in addition to his constant griping, I'm trying to downsize and move. My step-daughter has left her husband and two sons, and she is useless to us. I have no children of my own. As one of the posters said, when the person who is wearing you out is your spouse, then the support you would normally get is missing. My family lives in another state and have their own issues, so I don't want to bother them. I'm hoping this move to the independent living facility will make a difference. For one thing, my husband will have more socialization than he has right now. Even though it isn't an assisted-living facility, the managers and residents keep an eye on each other and are aware when someone is missing meals. This should be good for my husband. As I will be the youngest person living there, I anticipate being a surrogate child/grandchild for some of the older residents. I may be letting myself in for a whole new set of challenges! I'm trying to be proactive about his decline. But I may need a softly padded room before it is all over. I wish all of the people who had trouble with their own parents would be able to remember those troubles when they get to BE LIKE THEIR PARENTS. I hope I'm nicer to my future caregiver!!! Blessings to all of you on this post who are ready to give up. Just remember that it will/could be us sooner than we would like.

Yep, Drummer and a few others (including myself) are telling tales of a caregiver who is reaching or has reached their limit. Need to shift focus on yourself for a bit. Bottomline, you can't take care of someone unless you take care of yourself first. I know, I know, so much easier said than done. I too have an elderly mom with dementia, am single with no children and siblings that are a no show. They only come around for the b-day or holiday where a monetary gift might be involved. They are pathetic but I've learned that any negativity pointed in their direction is a waste of my very necessary energy. They don't deserve my time of day. Since I've taken on that attitude, it has been much easier to deal with them on the very rare occasions is it necessary to.

Yes, dementia does take away most times the personalities we have grown to love in our parents. In my case I see my once caring, selfless and independent Mom become very needy, self-centered, and manipulative during the course of her disease. The important fact we all need to remember (and it is soooo difficult) - they are not aware of this change in them and do not mean to do what they do or intentionally try to hurt/mess with us.

What gets me through a day is laughter. Do your best to find the humor in a situation versus the reality of it. Laughter is truly the best medicine in this instance. I find great solace in partaking in activities that are light-hearted in nature and provide me with some form of laughter. Great for the soul.

Also, know in your heart of hearts that you are doing a great thing in your life. Caring for your parents or a loved one is not for the faint-hearted, for sure. We are not given that which we are unable to handle. I firmly believe that. It just means a little more fortitude, a little more patience, and a lot more love. Some of the difficult stuff we deal with on a daily basis is certainly in our control to change for the better. Other stuff is not - it just is what it is. Bottomline, be sure to take time out of your day for a "you" activity, remind yourself you awesome for doing what you do, and everything will be ok someday. Have faith. It will. God Bless all you wonderful people. Your "people" are blessed to have you in their lives. :)))

Oh my gosh...can I relate to all of you! I"m going on 9 years into this..had to quit working to take care of my mother when she had a stroke. Thankfully, I have a husband who still works, or we would be destitute by now! My mother isn't mean spirited like some, but everything requires a battle. Her first response to anything I say is "No" whether it's for her benefit or mine! Just for example, I have been trying to let her allow me to cut her toenails...or take her to a podiatrist and take care of them. She had been adamant up until last Saturday, when she called me early in the morning to tell me that she was bleeding and couldn't stop it! By the way, she still stays in her house with her 'medic alert' pendant, but I go everyday and do whatever she needs....be it housework, cutting the grass, buying her groceries, picking up presriptions, banking...you name it, I do it! Anyway, back to the emergency...I ask her if she needs the paramedics, as I am 10-15 minutes away. She says 'yes' and I tell to press her button and I will be there as soon as I can get there. At that point, the emergency service calls me while I am trying to get dressed to tell me that she has a emergency. I arrive there in about 15 minutes and it looks like a crime scene. Since she's on blood thinners, she bleeds a lot and for a long time. They find the source and say it's not serious, put on a compression bandage, have her sign a release since she doesn't need to go to the hospital and they leave. It's me, her and the massive mess...the bed is soaked, slippers soaked, a trail to the bathroom from the bedroom and pools of blood on an unsealed wooden floor. (That is another story..why is the wooden floor unsealed? That's another battle for another day past...so I give up on that one!) I spend my morning washing sheets and mattress pad...putting fresh sheets on her bed...scrubbing the floor on hands and knees. The next day she tells me that after I left, she got all her cleaning equipment ready and went to remop the floor, as she was sure that I hadn't gotten all the blood up! My 'compliment' was that she was so surprised to not be able to find any of the blood left behind! Yes, I know I should be thankful for small blessings........but, to tell the truth, I am worn out, physically and mentally. The word 'vacation' doesn't even enter into my vocabulary. Mamma has always been very controlling and I'm almost too tired to even try to assert myself anymore. Respite? For me...a fallacy! She has never liked to have to go anywhere...wants to stay home all the time...has very few visitors and most of her 'phone friends' have departed. And here I am...so fragmented in thoughts that I missed the point that I was trying to make...LOL...The bleeding, she is sure happened due to her long toenails that she wouldn't let me attempt to cut for her. So, yesterday....I refused to take 'no' for an answer and brought her (unhappily, I might add) to the podiatrist! I could go on and on, but you all know the schpeil, I'm sure...it's a never ending oddysy, and I seem to be in it for the long haul. I'm too tired to resist anymore...

Stressedmom, I work 4 part-time jobs and cover what my mom's pay does not cover. I care for my mom full-time, I was working on my doctoral degree and trying to figure out if I should go back to school or not. My mom's doctor recommends that I go back to school and put mom in a Senior Daycare when I need to do homework. I am not sure my mom will go for that, mom is very dependent upon me.

My oldest sister lives in town and it just about kills her to sit with her own mom for 2 hours if I need to run and errand with my husband. She wants me to take mom to certain events or meet her out to eat, but she doesn't like to come to mom's home and sit with her. The only thing my older sister will do is give me some money to get mom a perm or help with her medicines. Otherwise she just tells everyone she can't help because she hurt arm and blah blah blah blah.

My next older sister, well she is there I guess. She lives 8 hours away, she calls her mom every 4 to 6 weeks if we get lucky. Otherwise she doesn't say or do anything. In fact, when she comes to visit and we cook I pay for the entire meal. She doesn't contribute or even help cook the food, she just sits on her butt. I mean she does nothing. She doesn't even talk to me about mom and what her doctor's say. So she is just there.

My youngest sister, gets what is going on. She will call mom every couple of weeks or if mom has a bad day, she will find time in her day to call mom. She will listen to me and ask me how mom is doing. She will bring some items in terms of underwear for mom. So she will do a few things.

Otherwise, my mom has some siblings that tell everyone I should put her in a nursing home. So not only do I get to deal with siblings of my own, but I get to deal with my mom's siblings as well.

One day at a time is all we got and that is how we take it. I just try to make sure that mom is cared for and enjoys her final days no matter how many of them there are left.

Drummer,
I totally relate. I have not been at this anywhere near as long as you but the emotions you express are exactly those I feel. I have to sneak around like a teenager to go anywhere without taking her with me. My husband is also a saint, or I could not do this. I feel so guilty for feeling this way, and so depressed that I might get old and act this way. I have told my children over and over to do whatever they have to do, a sorry nursing home, group home or whatever, but under no circumstance do they move me into their house and disrupt their life. Even if I get to the point I think they want me there, and invite myself. I would rather endure almost anything than to put my children in the situation we are in presently. We do get frequent breathers as Mom can still be left alone. But within a few hours of returning home things are so stressful that I am right back in the same state as when I left.

I have heard so many answers to the above comment. What if you have a full time job, a child/children that have special needs,not to mention being caregiver, financial supporter and taxi service etc. to your parent. Who I might add thinks you do NOTHING for her, and her "daughter" ( that doesn't even have the decencey to visit/call her ever) whom she thinks is wonderful and does it all !! NOT!! This is what we deal with daily, I even was chastized by this ungrateful SIL because I DID help with my MIL's care! Go Figure !?? There needs to be a law or something to penalize these selfish conceided,... WAH WAH's! Who don't know the first thing about Love...., let alone caring!! You do ALL the hard work and the NO SHOW'S get all the glory! That's messed up for sure. We haven't had a vacation in ...well I can't remember! We are supporting 2 families, 3 mortgadges, all expenses and then some, with one income too! The SIL can't help that way either. She say's and I quote " I have a child to raise". She spent her childrens growing up years fooling around with everything in pants, so she could care less about how they are raised!? She spent all her moms assets, that is when she stopped comming to see her mom! Wow... and she still thinks she is getting something when her mom's time comes? I stay clear of this toxic vindictive viper, I wish her brother (my husband) would say something to her! But he just says that he doesn't want to cause anymore friction??! That just makes me more angry and frustrated with the situation....! But my MIL is in relativly good health, so she will probably out live both of us...! So there are people in similar situations with less $$$ and no possibility of time off whatsoever. One day at a time is what I tell myself. Goodluck and Godbless all!!

Silver, there is NO excuse for what your Mother is doing. She needs the right medication to get her under control. It's out there. Find a new doctor! Call your local agency on aging. Do not let her abuse you like this. In FL there is a law called the Baker Act which allows a person to be involuntarily committed to a facility for help. Check your state. There is a way to get help, but you have to go after it. It won't come to you! Get out there and fight! Don't give up. Take care and God bless.

Drummer, you did not say what was wrong with your mom other than a few broken bones, but I suggest she see a neurologist to see if she has dementia or Alzheimer's. The reason I say this is because you need to know if there is a medical condition driving this type of behavior.

My mom has a broken leg that will not heal so she isn't going to walk, but she was diagnosis with Alzheimer's. My sisters thought I was nuts in thinking mom even had dementia, but the more I read about Alzheimer's the more I see the symptoms. And believe it or not that kind of demanding behavior can be a symptom of Alzheimer's so first get her checked out.

Second, I have the same situation in that my mom tells me what to do. If I wasn't caring for my mom she would be in a nursing home, but she tells me what to do. We got a baby monitor to assist us in here care, which can be good but it can also be bad. Mom will yell orders through the baby monitor.

Mom tells me how to cook, clean and everything else under the sun. This past week, mom made it a point to tell the doctor's nurse that she didn't have Alzheimer's and that I needed to do what she told me to do. After that I have sat down with my mom and told her straight up, that she was to be a good girl and that I was the boss. I am not sure how this is going to work, but you may need to take the direct approach.

Sometimes, being truthful and straight forward is better than trying to solve it in another manner. Make sure you first though find out if there is a medical condition and then talk with her. Tell your mom that if she wasn't with you she would be in a nursing home. Tell your mom the truth.

Good for you, Frandell. You are doing the right thing. I admire your courage! Good luck and God bless.

Praying for you all. I thought surely I was so alone. My mom curses me and is so nasty. I think it's in purpose. She alienated the entire family. She won't wear diapers and messes on the bed. She is obsessed with her bowels. It's constant laxatives and enemas. She is a hypochondriac and no one ever takes her seriously. They tell me don't bring her back to the ER. She is fine. Now they've done a chemical stress and other test and told me she's had a heart attack. Now they've added 5 more meds. She won't eat and I cook every day. She throws every thing she touches on the floor. I get so tired if washing bed clothes. She tells me I will NEVER go to a nursing home. Sometimes it's to the ER every week not to mention doctors every week. I'm 66 years old and it's so hard do me to load her in the car alone. I've been doing this for 15 years but the last 5 have been unbearable. When someone is so mean its awful to do anything for them. She will do opposite of what you try to get her to do. I have no life other than drudge 7 days a week. U don't know how long a person survives with no life at all except this.