My mother lives across the street and has caregivers, but is still lonely. How do I tell her that I still need my own alone time?

It is not you who is lacking here, my dear.

Your mother's brain is broken and she needs more constant attention than just daytime aides can give.

Find a good Asssited Living Community, one that also has Memory Care for when mom progresses. Get mom on the wait list.

When the vaccine comes on line, get mom in there for a month of respite. I can almost guarantee you that she will thrive there.

I think it is looking like Mom is coming to the place where she must have 24/7 care. I don't know assets, but that will be enormously expensive. I understand she doesn't want to leave her home, but this is going to become more and more impossible from what you are telling us. You will be unable to set limits because she is more and more going to be unable to set limits, so discussion of boundaries will not work. I think, sadly that you are looking at a need for your Mom to be in care. Not everything in this whole aging thing can be fixed. Not everything can be what we "want". Not everything can be without loss and mourning. In fact, end of life is ALL ABOUT loss after loss after loss, and that's the hard truth.
You are thinking this all out just great. You have and can enumerate all the things, and you understand them. Putting them together is leading eventually to one conclusion I think.
You will find some on Forum who thing that your life should now be, in your Mom's remaining years, taking her into your home and devoting yourself to her remaining years. You will find some on Forum who believe that this is not only NOT the best answer for some of us, but that we are not CAPABLE of making that sacrifice (count me into that line).
Only you can make the decisions going forward. You can try to limit your Mother in her expectations and needs; I suspect, even if that works for a while, it will not over time.
You have tried to do this so RIGHT, with Mom just across the street. My heart goes out to you. But I do trust you will make your own decision, no matter the difficulty involved....the decision that is best (if not perfect) for you.

I understand where you're coming from. It's not that you need more compassion. It's not about compassion because you have enough for being willing to care for your mother. You were willing and that's not the same as having it just put on you.
Maybe your mother needs to be talked to in a way that she'll understand. She was married for a long time herself, so maybe she'll remember about couples needing some evening to themselves with no one there. If she isn't engaging with her caregivers, try talking to them. It could be that they're not a good fit for her. Then make yourself clear, that you cannot and won't be responsible for giving her a social life. If she's still in good health get her involved with the senior center in your area or even adult day care a few times a week. Then be insistent on an overnight caregiver if she's afraid to stay alone. I know it sounds harsh, but there has to be boundaries.

Just because your mother doesn't WANT to go to assisted living, doesn't mean she doesn't NEED to go to assisted living. This the biggest trap I see people falling into....wanting to make every want/need of a parent a reality. It is not feasible or reasonable.

They aren't here yet, but I'm sure they will be - you may get some responses that will tell you that the only right thing to do is take her in. That is their opinion, so just let those comments scroll on by.

For now, you can start looking at some AL (MC) places, as eventually it might not be safe for her to remain in her own home. If she's healthy enough and currently only needs 4 hours of "help", she's okay, but that can change rather quickly with dementia, so it's best to start preparing.

Meanwhile, if you have to go out, is there any way to move the car to a location out of her sight and then get to it in a way she can't see you? Clearly she's "watching" or at least hears the car or garage door. If she does know you're going out and calls, try to make your destination something totally unpalatable to her. Dropping the car for repairs, getting a colonoscopy, etc.

Have some discussion with the care-givers. Perhaps they are stymied as to how to get her "engaged." See if some brainstorming might help. If not, perhaps try some others. As for having strangers in the house, if these aides have been there for a while, they aren't exactly strangers. If you needed to hire overnight people, then yes, they would be strangers, so maybe get them on board for a few hours/day in addition to the 4 hours covered now. Perhaps she'll get used to them?

Although a facility is expensive, it is less than hiring 24/7 help in the home (exception *may* be if you could find a live in, but finding the right person could take some time!)

You do need your own space and time. You are also going to have to return to work at some point, so hopefully you can find the right combination of aides or the right place for her. You indicate dad passed 2 years ago, which was when she was dxed, but also that he saw it coming, so it's been more than 2 years since the onset. The very early stages can be missed by family or doctors who don't see the person often or for long, but your dad could see it, since he lived it!

My mother was also relatively healthy and was 90, maybe 91 when it became apparent to me she was having difficulty with memory. I had to learn a LOT and QUICKLY! She was okay to be at home for a little longer, but it was progressing. Sometimes it happens in stages, like stepping down and then being stable for a while. This is how she's been. The problem becomes when their reasoning and understanding doesn't work anymore. Thankfully her "bruised" leg (didn't seek help, didn't tell us!) which turned out to be cellulitis happened just prior to the move to MC (refused aides and wasn't going to move!) Her neighbor called to tell me and OB was arriving the next night, so his job was to take/send a pic and then get her butt to the ER!

Knowing that the situation can change so quickly, all of a sudden, when you're used to it being stable is important. 9 months after moving to MC (hounding YB every time he visited to take her back to her condo), she forgot the condo and starting focusing on her own mother (gone over 40 yrs at that time) AND the house we lived in prior to the condo (sold 25 yrs before the "change".) She's been more or less in that 40+ year ago life for quite a while now. This month makes 4 years in MC. She did have a stroke early Oct, but as far as I can tell it hasn't pushed her further back, just impacts her right side, swallowing, slurring. She has been losing weight now, so between dementia, hearing, stroke and finally weight loss, we have her on hospice.

My point talking about progression with my mother is you just don't know when she might move to the next stage and need more help. I would try working with the aides you have, maybe bring in some others, to find a good "fit" and see if the can engage her in activities. Games, puzzles, even folding laundry, to give her sense of purpose?

I don't envy you. My mother lived 1.5 hrs away, and I couldn't take her in, so next best was a nice place near where I live!

The thing is. This house your mother has lived in for seven years - it's not exactly been seven happy golden years, has it? For the first five she was watching your father deteriorate with Parkinson's, until he died, as well as struggling with her own issues - imagine how confusing the early stages of dementia are - and besides, when you say physically healthy, what was the heart attack all about then?

Feeling vulnerable, perhaps feeling that time is running out, she wants to be with people she loves. At the moment, that's you, right there, just across the street. Increasing the caregiver hours won't make a ha'porth of difference, no - she may very much appreciate them and enjoy their company but they're not family. They're not even *supposed* to love her.

The aim is to return her to a state of Normal Mom, who loves you all dearly but goes quite happily for months without a phone call. Not sure if that's possible, because there WILL have been major brain changes, but at least it sets out a goal.

You could consult an older age psychiatrist? Do you know of one with a good reputation? Could you talk fast enough to get mother in for an appointment?

With dementia you have to remember that they don't remember. They are afraid and usually don't like to be alone. I have this with my mom and I'm in the same situation as you except I actually lived with my mom for two weeks until I was able to get 24/7 care for her in her home. I have no regrets for what I did but it is sometime physically impossible for one person to take care of a dementia patient. You need a mental break. In the past 3 months I had 3 aids leave my mom, she is never happy and when she spends the day with me guess what she's not happy she wants to go home to her own house then when I bring her home she wants to go to my house. The thing is I don't think they know what they want their minds don't work the same. You can have a nice conversation with your mom but if she is like mine she will forget what you said 5 mins ago. I no longer feel guilty, I do my best and when my best is not good enough for her I say I'm sorry that's the best I can do. When I go to visit her and she is abusive I walk out. I truly feel she will end up in MC facility so while she still knows who I am.. I visit her but keep the boundaries because they can overwhelm you. Also I thought my mom was lying to me a lot but I keep this in the back of my head ... It's not a lie if you believe it. Example.. Aid stole my eye glasses... no you hid them in your room than forgot you did that and now you can't find them and blame the strange person in the house for stealing them. They were found in her bedroom draw and she said she didn't put them there ( because she don't remember doing it) so in her eyes she's not fibbing. Also another thing I learned.. as kids we are used to listening to our parents but now it comes a time that we are the parents and elderly are like the kids. I find writing notes on a big calendar helps so that she can look forward to doing something.. two things a week works for me because I still work. If that is not good enough for my mom once again I tell her that is the best I can do sorry.
I rambled a lot but I hope I was able to help you.

Dear Megdog, as you are new on the site, I’ll write out some things that are fairly common here. First, have a look at the many articles, old questions and discussions, on the site. You find them by clicking on Care Topics on the top right of the screen, then on any topic that seems relevant – for example A for Adult Day Care. Surprisingly, there is no topic for Boundaries, but you can search for it in the magnifying glass.

You have already heard that Assisted Living might be ideal for your mother right now. In the early stages of dementia, she can still adjust, make friends, take up the activities provided, and actually enjoy life. Perhaps you could ring around and see if any facilities near you can provide a short term respite care option, and try that (I’m sure you can find a good reason why it’s absolutely necessary for a month). Perhaps a facility might not offer it as a regular option, but might use it as a fill-in when there is a vacancy. Anything that provides something that doesn’t have to be in her home on her terms, could change the head set of both you and her.

Many people have found that what they intended to be supporting a parent’s independence, was in fact supporting their dependence. They couldn’t be ‘independent’ without the support, but still saw themselves as independent. At the same time, they got more and more demanding, and less and less willing to try other options. There are also many discussions about ‘enabling’ versus ‘disabling’, which is another trap in doing more and more while they do less and less. “Kindly telling her that you need at least some evenings to yourselves” is going to be a difficult boundary to broach and to enforce, and it isn’t going to resolve the basic issues.

It’s a very good idea to read around the issue and think of alternatives, before you commit yourselves to turning your own lives upside down.

Best wishes, Margaret

To start, what you said about "God heal my selfishness' is not fair to YOU. Your mother has dementia, first of all, and SHE is the one who is entirely too needy here, not you. Expecting you to satisfy her 'loneliness' by being available to her 24/7 is unrealistic and impossible to boot.

You can't focus on your mother's 'wants' now but on her 'needs'. We all 'want' things, like to win the lottery. To stay in our own homes until we perish, too, regardless of whether that's a realistic idea or not. With dementia, it's likely an unrealistic idea your mother has put into her head, along with the idea that it's your job to entertain her day & night. And, with dementia, once they get an idea stuck in their head's, unfortunately, you can't get it out of there with a chisel. It's the nature OF dementia; stubborn pigheadedness and the inability to understand much of anything anymore. Sad but true.

So........this is going to become about what your mother Needs vs. what she Wants and how you are going to go about making sure she's properly taken care of. You can do that by hiring in-home help 24/7, when the time comes, IF she can afford that, or, by placing her in a Memory Care Assisted Living residence where care and help is available 24/7 at a less expensive rate.

She doesn't have to 'love' the caregivers that come in to help her, she just has to accept their help.

You have to tell your mom, repeatedly, that you are Not Available after 5 pm (or whatever time you determine) because you have other family obligations that need to be met. Period. No further explanations. With dementia, again, you are likely going to have to repeat this same phrase every single day for the rest of her life. No joke. Be strong, be adamant and be FIRM. Dementia or no dementia, they look for cracks to sneak in through and say AHA! I KNEW she didn't really mean it!!!! Then the gig is up.

You can have understanding & compassion for your mother's situation in ADDITION to preserving your own marriage, lifestyle, and job. This is a no-win situation, trust me, I know. Everyone loses. You lose, your husband loses, your mom loses. Dementia destroys everything it comes into contact with. It can get very ugly and very demanding and very unreasonable too.

I know from where I speak b/c my soon to be 94 y/o mother has moderate dementia & lives in a Memory Care Assisted Living home 4 miles away. She tells me daily that there is Nothing Wrong With Me & Everyone Here Knows It. She has no idea why she's living there, and on and on. Meanwhile, she has no idea what day it is or what's going on in general. She just knows how to complain and vehemently argue every single word I say to her. Like I said, everyone loses with dementia.

So have your ducks lined up. Have a Plan B in place for if/when things go downhill fast & the in home help isn't sufficient. It sometimes works out that way. Read up on dementia and watch Teepa Snow videos on YouTube. They're very helpful. Go to Alzheimers.org to see what you can expect in the future, and what the stages of dementia are. Go from there.

Wishing you the best of luck moving forward & preserving your own health & sanity in the process.

Seems you have answered your own question. You will not be available when COVID lifts and you don't want to be more available now. It is not about you being selfish or greedy; you are realistic about your needs and your family's needs. The problem is not where mom "lives" but her need for interaction with others.

It that you mom needs more than 4 hours of human contact per day. Since she can call/text you and is not in danger in her home, it appears she does not need somebody to stay with her overnight - yet. It appears she is asking for more interactions with people who care for her. You may need to increase caregiver hours as well as increasing days with her - until COVID lifts. After COVID is gone, she may benefit from participating in an adult day program with home health care aides for some hours in the evening.

I just want to say, "Hi." I can't help but I can be a friend. My age and my mom's age are the same as yours. I have no answers or advice. Certainly no judgements.

My circumstances are different but I feel the same way. Your story actually helped me to realize I'm not going crazy. I can feel like I'm being driven crazy sometimes.

I think Covid lock downs have created situations for the elderly where they're either more abandoned than before or they have more access to us than before because we're always around.

We all survived before covid when we were never around and if life ever returns to normal I expect so will these situations with our elderly family. In short, you are wise to be proactive, but things could just all work out when the time comes. Does that make sense?? If not, then I am going crazy after all lol!!

Don't try to tell her, she won't hear it....I'd just cut myself off; don't answer the phone or respond. And it may get to the point of where you say either you have a nighttime caregiver OR you go to asstd living, your choice. But it's not gonna be you. Gees, it sounds like she has binoculars and is watching your every move from across the street, when your car comes and goes....You don't owe her any explanations but I would convey simply you need time to yourselves and will not be available from and say when. ENOUGH!

I can tell you from personal experience with my wifes Mother that you need to be clear and consistent. You are already giving into her by taking her to your social events with you. This neediness will worsen with age. If you give in to her your risk is that she lives a long time and your doing this with her for that whole time. She will go from I want to come over after the caregiver leaves to I do not want to go home at all.
You have to be disiplined about this the minute you start giving in she has got you!

It’s obvious she doesn’t have enough interests to occupy her time and we humans are social creatures. So it sounds like two things...loneliness and boredom.
Would it be possible for her to have a pet? Not only does it help with loneliness but studies show it helps with our health.
once Covid is in the rear view mirror and you travel again, she would be able to go to a senior center to see folks and have activities, go to church or temple, etc.
You do not need to be her whole social world and do not feel guilty that you recognize that. As people age, their world narrows and gets smaller and this pandemic has made this even more so.
When she begins to need more care to the point it requires 24/7 that will be exorbitant. Much more than Assisted living or even LTC.

It sounds like Mom will be needing some kind of facility soon. That takes time and effort to arrange. Meanwhile, what are the caregivers doing when they are with Mom? Do they just sit and watch TV? That's not much different then being alone! Talk to them and give them some ideas of activities with Mom. Pull out the box of photos or albums for them to look at. Mom may not remember who the people are but might recall the events in the pictures.
Grab that jar of coins and have Mom and aide roll them into tubes. This is great for dexterity and eye-hand coordination. Let the state quarters be conversation starters-Oh, this one is from Texas! Have you ever been there? If you went there, what would you see? (Cows, cowboys, oil wells,) Talk about a famous person from Texas. Remember, sometimes too many questions can be overwhelming, so initiate ideas.
Can the caregivers bring her out to drive around? Look at Christmas lights in the evening, drive through a neighborhood and count wreaths, or look for Christmas trees.
Simple crafts can be enjoyed together. Write a poem and put it on a card. Can Mom teach the caregiver to knit or crochet?
Activities are endless and can keep Mom engaged with the aides, and not just watching TV. Then she won't be so lonely. Best of luck to you.

I can relate to your Mom. Life without your partner is hell, even if she does have dementia. I do not have that despicable disease, but my husband had it, and I was his caregiver during it all. As he was nearing the 10 year mark I knew what was going to happen, so I accepted my son's suggestion and sold our home in a senior park and I moved to where my son is. Only 15 minutes away from me. I live in an apartment alone, as I said, no dementia, but some other illnesses. There are some times I don't hear from son in 2 weeks, once it was more. Yes, they are working from home, yes, the kids are being schooled at home due to pandemic, but just one phone call a week at least would make the lonely days go much faster and not be so boring. Especially during this pandemic when friends aren't social anymore. Physical visits are maybe once a month. 29 days a month of no contact with anyone is so long, like 6 months. If he called every day it may be a bit much, but after 2 weeks I go crazy with no contact with anyone. I'm over 80, so not as mobile as I'd like to be and I just had a surgery that kept me homebound for weeks, with no driving; still no calls on how I'm doing. OK, I did have caregivers but not more than a few hours a day, and they aren't family. Finally, he called and asked how I'm doing. After almost 3 weeks. Yes, I know it's hard to work at home and help kids on computer schooling, but just a call....

I’ve told my Mother all my life I need downtime to recharge, she has no idea what I’m talking about and doesn’t care.

There is just some people like that, it would be nice if it wasn’t my mother. Now that she almost 80 with Parkinson’s I stopped trying to tell her and just do it or she’ll swallow me whole.

Our parents sometimes see us as an extension of themselves, and think they know us better then anyone but it can be the opposite.

My mother I believe has an undiagnosed attachment disorder as I look back over her life. I just make sure I have good boundaries around her. I’ve noticed whatever I set up she undoes and sabotages then complains to keep me engaged

She was considerate to move to be near you, but it's difficult to make new friends, especially during the pandemic. You need to talk with her about what she wants as she becomes less able to care for herself (and having you as her aide is not an option. Explain to her that you will eventually be traveling again.). Think about how to handle things in the short-term while the pandemic is raging, and also later (ideally) after the pandemic has abated. If she will accept it, increase the time the caregivers are with her. When the pandemic abates, can the caregiver take her on shopping trips and excursions? If not, she may be happier in an assisted living facility where they have social activities and excursions (but not during the pandemic, and you may not be able to visit her during the pandemic). Some areas have adult day care where she also can socialize with other seniors, or senior centers (but they are probably not open during the pandemic). And make sure that you have all paperwork in place if she is showing signs of dementia (living will with her medical directives, POA for financial and medical decisions, will, and some banks have their own POA forms), you should be listed as someone who can contact Medicare and Social Security on her behalf. Ask her if she would like you to take over her financial affairs (advisable, if she has dementia). Then get all of her financial statements and bills sent to your address. This is also better if there are strangers in her house.

Bless you. It is very complicated but in its own way simple.. You said she has dementia...That is the far-and-away main reason she hounds you.

One way to reduce (I don't say to eliminate) talking with you is to simply not answer the phone when she calls at the times you mentioned, or perhaps turn off y your cell and call her back..."Oh, I must have left the phone at home; or I must have left the phone in the other room when you called me at home." Just do that consistently...Meanwhile continue to be happy as you said, with your "happy" life with your husband of 38 years and just not use your phone until set times of the day, three hours or so apart. In three hours an elderly loved one is not gonna starve to death if she falls.

Grace + Peace,

Bob

Could you adopt a cat for her? Doesn’t need walking. Feeding/litter box duty might be less intensive than constantly keeping her company. Living alone is obviously a big adjustment. When I lived alone, I always had a dog, and they were great company. Perhaps a cat would give her something to focus on besides you.

Please be kind to yourself- you are not selfish for wanting time to yourself. We need that as much as the air we breathe!

A few thoughts:
1) Speak to the caregivers and suggest how they might have a better personal relationship with Mom, i.e. show pictures of their family, talk about their life, ask her opinion of something
2) take Mom for a short ride to look at leaves, Christmas decorations, something new in the area. Stop to get a hot chocolate, ice cream or something to take home
3) invite Mom once a week for dinner and to watch a movie or favorite tv show (just her, no other friends)

My opinion is that Mom is scared and more aware of her own mortality. In many ways your lucky that Mom lives across the street. Perhaps, calling her in advance to let her know where your going, may help her anxiety.

Wishing you and Mom the best.

Be up front with mom and let her know what is available and she might just be afraid of sleeping alone with no one else in the house.

You might get her a dog for a companion.

You probably will also need to have someone 2-3 hrs in the morning and another 2-3 hrs in the evening.

Just figure out when she seems to be the loneliest and place a Caregiver or Sitter when needed.

You might also see if any Church members have an elderly love one that can get together with your mom for coffee, tea, play a game or just to watch a movie with.

Find some projects she is interested in like knitting, paint by #, coloring, ect to help pass her time away.

I really think an older dog that needs a home would be a good start.

I think a pet would give her the company she needs.

If your mom has dementia, she might be anxious and/or afraid. My husband with dementia gets very anxious if he’s alone any length of time. This used to only be at night, but now it’s all day so I have a companion come for a few hrs 2 afternoons a week so I can grocery shop or run any other errands. Your mom might be experiencing something like this. Children get scared if you leave them alone and people with dementia can get very child-like. As other posters have said, it may be time to find a good AL facility. I’m torn myself because my husband is easy to handle, he’s just driving me nuts, but I’m thinking of placing him in care (not sure whether he’s good enough for AL or would need MC at this point). As someone else mentioned, if I do it while he’s still able to enjoy the companionship and do some activities, he may adjust to it better and sooner. If I wait till he needs more physical help, too, he may have a harder time with the change. Something to think about with your mom. This disease leaves all of us with a slew of tough questions and few clear-cut answers. Good luck to you and your mom.

My parents moved across the street from my hubby and I about 2 years ago into an independent retirement apartment.
Right from the start, before they moved, I set boundaries. We both respect each other’s space and that has worked well.
Would your mom be happier in an assisted living facility where she would have ppl around her 24/7? If so, I wouldn’t wait long to move her. All the best as you seek the best for your loved one. Not easy!

This is so sad. Old people are so lonely. It’s sad to think we will all be in this position someday, waiting for our children to call us or do things with us.

I completely understand her fear - hubby not in the house and then she actually had a major health event while alone.

She seems to still be good enough to talk to about this, so go visit just to have a 'we need to make a plan' conversation. Tell her your company is already talking about returning you to the road for work even though you don't know when that will be. Tell her that YOU need to find someone (or two) to start spending more time in her home while you are not working so you can see how things go first hand. Tell her that YOU worry about at her at home at night so you also want to get someone on board now so you know them and see how it works out before you return to work. You might put emphasis on how assisted living would be ideal because someone is handy any time day or night to help her out. Not to mention with you returning to work, it is going to be hard for YOU to manage everything. AL would give her people to talk to all day (and half the night if she wanted) and help if she needs it.

If you have an AL near you, take her over there to spend a few hours looking around and checking out activities. If you aren't the outgoing type, find someone who is who would go with you and approach the other residents to yak it up with them and engage mom at the same time. You never know. . .

I have the same situation here too. My mom lives 4 doors down from us. She’s 94 yrs old now, but she’s been here for 9 yrs. I had to set up boundaries with her. She was trying to be involved with everything my husband and I did. We would sneak past her house hoping she wouldn’t see us going out! My health started to be affected because of guilt, and then I started wondering why I felt guilty. She has everything she needs in life, and I realized I can’t live her life for her. Because she was used to independence at one time, and now she is more dependent , doesn’t mean I have to give up my life to keep her happy. My mother has people who come in too - from hospice. My mother is still able to manage, but when the time comes, and she can’t manage in her own home anymore, she is going to go willingly to our beautiful hospice facility. She won’t be lonely there and I can visit at anytime. I stopped the guilt trip I was putting on myself, and I stated living my life again, knowing she is taken care of and I still manage to see her at least 4 times a week. I call her everyday - twice a day. No, she’s not going to run my life and I have no guilt.

Imho, your marriage is your priority. Kindly try to explain to mom that you'll be available on XX days. Prayers sent.

Covid has made visiting assisted living places impossible. When and if they lift some restrictions check on some assisted living places to see if you and your mom can visit or purchase lunch during meal time. See if your mom recognizes the need of social interaction. She probably only interacted as a mom and wife for most of her years and it is the only thing she knows. It is a funny thing about aging, none of us oldies really believe we are old. We are at a loss when the very things we used to do for our families are no longer needed or wanted. Your mom is having a hard time with her life being turned over to strangers. Keep your faith, but let this experience teach you about what is in store for you and the family as each and everyone of us ages out of service to others. God bless.