My 85 years old mom lives alone. She is in pretty good health but always complaining that she has no friends. She tells any family member who will listen she is lonely. I basically spend most of my day from 11 o’clock to 3 o’clock in the afternoon keeping her company taking her places, when 3 o’clock comes she states are you going home? No consideration that I have a family of my own. When friends invite her to go out she makes excuses stating that she needs to go out with me. I did tell her that she needs to make her own friends and that I can’t be with her every minute of the day , she wants to be at my home 24 hours a day.
Do you neglect your friends because of spending too much time with mom?
I remember when my Mom had passed on, my Dad (in his 90's) was lonely even with around the clock caregivers. So I made an appointment for him to see one of the senior living facilities. As soon as I pulled up into the parking lot and he saw the Victorian style building, he said "where do I sign up?". We toured the facility and had lunch there.
Dad moved into that senior facility as soon as an apartment was ready (2 BR with living room and full size kitchen). He then sold his house and used the equity to pay for monthly rent. He was happy as a clam there being around people of his own generation and making new friends. It was interesting, at dinner time in the main restaurant style dining room, some of the women were dressed to the nines :)
It was a win-win for everyone.
You are in the same position.
You are making choices for your own life, and the sad blunt truth is that they aren't very good choices for yourself and for your family.
Only you can change this.
You seem to recognize the truth here, that you are enabling your mother and doing damage to your own family which should be your primary concern. But you seem to be unable to discuss this with your mother. I am going to suggest you get a good cognitive therapist and that you and the therapist work together to get both your mother and yourself into a counseling session in which the new limitations and rules will be explained to your mother.
I am going to respond 2 ways.
First way I am going to presume your mom is healthy both mentally and physically.
Why on earth are you staying with her from 11am until 3pm?
She does not need friends or things to do because you are doing things for her.
So STOP. Let her have friends over for lunch, go for a walk, go out to lunch with a few people WITHOUT you. Makes me wonder what YOUR life is if you spend every day with her.
Second response.
If your mom has dementia she (first off should not be left alone) has lost the capacity to make decisions and depends on you to do things for her.
Get mom involved in an Adult Day Program so that she is not sitting at home depending on you to "entertain" her.
Next begin looking for Memory Care for her so that she is not left alone. Hiring caregivers is an option but that would be 24/7 as she could not be left alone at night either. (Other option would be to move mom in with you but I think you will be trading one space for another and have the same problems)
So what do you do presuming that mom is healthy....YOU STOP going to her house every day. YOU stop taking her places daily. YOU help her reconnect with friends that have given up calling her and asking her if she wants to go to lunch. (If you turn people down often enough they quit asking) Tell mom that you will take her out on Wednesday (or whatever day works for you) you can make that your day. The rest of the week she is on her own. And if she needs help around the house pick another day to do chores. And think about having mom hire someone to come in and do the things you are doing.
My wild guess is that mom has dementia. She may be hiding it, you may be in denial about it. But clinging to a "safe person" is common. Cutting off old friendships because you are afraid that you are going to say the wrong thing or embarrass yourself in some way is also common. If mom has not had a physical in a while it might be time and express these things that mom has done when you talk to the doctor.
Are you her PoA? Does she have one? If not, I encourage you to have this discussion with her. If she doesn't have one then she will likely be assigned a 3rd party guardian by the courts when she requires a legal representative to manage her medical and financial affairs.
She won't improve. She can't learn new things or go out and make friends. But, you aren't her entertainment committee no matter what because you have a life, which is a priority. There are solutions: hire a companion aid, or consider moving her to AL. She won't like any of it, but again -- she won't improve, will only get worse. She is as cooperative now as she'll ever be, so now is the time to but other solutions into place.
I know because, that is my mom and how I got doing so much for her.
So you need to put down some boundaries, let her be alone for a while until she starts doing for herself more and you need to live your life , or this will be years of doing more and more, little by little eating your life away , untill you wake up one morning, and think where did my life go.
Sorry if I sound doom and gloom , I hope that wasn't to negative but this is what has happened to many of us here .
Best of luck
Staying social has many benefits. Can be fun! Also there is growing evidence staying social has health benefits to our brains.
Consider Senior Day Centre.
Research, locate one, go together for a cuppa.
Then start dropping her off.
Or consider if a bigger change is needed.. if moving to Assisted Living is an option (available, affordable).
Bring on the Bingo 😀