My mother refuses to wear depends or pads. What can I do?

My mother is 88 and she, too, fell and broke her hip. She has zero control of her bladder so needs to wear Depends all the time. Like your mother, my mom also said it was too hard to pull up any pants so she would NEVER use the toilet except to have a BM. She now thinks it is ok to leave Depends on all day long--just so she doesn't have to change them. When my mom told me it was due to it being too difficult to pull up pants, I suggested that she just wear a "house coat"/bathrobe that has good closures on it. That has helped some but my mom still doesn't want to use the toilet even when she knows she needs to urinate since she has trained herself to rely on the Depends in lieu of a toilet.

After dealing with my Mom and her stubbornness in wearing Depends, and changing them when they get wet, I wish I had taken her to a doctor a long time ago. Several people I know have Mothers that are at the same stage as your mom and they have taken their mothers to urologists to have surgical procedures that have helped immensely with their moms' incontinence issues. I wish I had done this with my mom a long time ago. If you don't take your mom to see her physician, my prediction is that she will turn out just like my mother.

My father transitioned and agreed they were more comfy than underwear. He had a horrible uti and depends were a must. We approached the transition talking about the confidence and freedom they would bring.

it would seem they would bring her the same confidence and dignity during this time of healing.

Can you put disposable incontinence pads around the commode (if they won't be a trip hazard)? Also put them under her in bed and on chairs. They are usually found in the same section as the Depends. Hopefully as she heals she will be able to start using the Depends.

OP's replies have dried up?
Hopefully, so has the problem 😜

All I did was take all his regular underwear away from him saying that he would get it back once the incontinence issue was resolved. Brutal yes but he was staying wet all day and refused to change clothing from the wet ones. He started developing nasty rash and UTIs. That was the only way for me. He finally got used to it. And I do not call it diapers or anything like that I just call it pull ups.

good luck and best wishes

I am 63 and these pull ups are more comfy than underwear and easier to getvup and down. YOU buy some to wear for yourself. Brag about how easy they are. Inquire of her friends if they wear them. Influence is about all you can do at rhis point.

that's a tough one! we finally got my 73 year old brother to wear one! did you talk to her about it and is she understanding what you are saying? is she wearing any underwear at all bc you can buy the kind that are are underwear for leakag - they advertise on tv. this way when she stands up she would have to pull them down but any peeing will have taken place into the underwear be for hand. Hope you can get her to listen. God Bless You

Go to the Salvation Army and get skirts or shift dresses for both you and your mom. Lift your skirt and show her that you're wearing a depends.

Are you there when she sits up, to stand up, to go pee? Tell her to call you when she has the urge and partner with her as her guiding instructor, gentle coach.

"Okay, mom success is in the air. Here's the game plan. Before you stand up, focus on tightening your muscles down there. Keep 'em tight, hold back the flood, stand up, keep a grip on it, sit on the comode, now, relax. Yay"!!! Praise her.

Put a depends over your clothes go through the moves, talk yourself through it and show her how it's done.

I hope you have good luck.

Brendapesce: Since she is residing in your house, she doesn't get to decide if she wears Depends or pads. It is imperative that she wear a product to catch the urine. Additionally, you may want to check for OAB (Overactive Bladder) since she is not able to contain the urine before toileting in the bedside commode. Perhaps she needs to see a urologist. There is medication for OAB called Myrbetriq.

there is a product PureWick external catheter for women. It is not covered by Medicare or Insurance but it is fabulous for individuals who are confined to bed with incontinence. It is a little pricey but worth every penny and is a great preventive of UTI.
That said an uncomfortable conversation is needed. When my mom was recovering from her colon cancer surgery she was anxious about wearing incontinent panties. Fortunately, her great granddaughter was beginning to be toilet trained and loved wearing her big girl pull up pants. So, we told mom that she would be helping her great grand with her training by telling her that she also wears big girl pull up pants to prevent accidents. And it worked!
So now we call Depends the big girl pull up pants not diapers because that term is a tad bit insulting for an adult. We even got the nursing home and in-home teams to use the phrase adult pull up pants and they said it worked with their most difficult patients.
Also, not every pull up is comfortable and you may want to try a couple of different ones. Mom liked the Poise and Always pull ups.

1. Have the (uncomfortable) direct talk with her about problem, smell, destroyed property, embarrassment, and the only solution.

2. Large puppy pads on bed, furniture, and car seats. Keep a white towel on top of the puppy pad on furniture that you can easily wash and bleach.

3. Quietly remove and hide her wardrobe of panties. In the same place she kept her panties, put a large, well stocked stash of Depends. That way she has no choice.

Waterproof flooring may be the answer for those who are adamant with keeping the patient at home. I prefer BurntCaregiver's suggestion, "Pull-ups (with the bandage scissors) or placement."

If you’re mom is aware of what’s happening, how about reversing roles and ask her what would she do if it were you going through this? Just wondering what her answer may be and you never know there may be a solution within😊

I agree with the pad on the floor. Heck, newspaper or plastic like tarp? They also have depends that tape on the side like diapers. I tried those yesterday (UNSUCCESSFUL, didn’t know what to do I guess) went back to normal ones. Good luck.

How about having her just hold a pad in place while moving from bed to commode? Simple for a temporary solution and she doesn’t have to ‘wear’ anything.

A couple of things. Put pads down on the floor. You can get pet training pads and large pads for the bed just put them on the floor like a rug.
next you can get diapers that you do not have to pull up. They have tabs on the side with something like Velcro.

my wife broke her hip and while it healed ok she never recovered. Keep her moving for a full recovery. Do whatever it takes. Good luck.

I would put down a large piece of plastic or better yet puppy pads for large dogs. They work very well to absorb liquid and stop it from going through to your flooring.

Mine did too until I told her something and she's been wearing them ever since. The ones I buy look like underwear but with the genital area heavily padded. So I told her they're called Pan-tex. Kotex and panties combined. Now she wears them. Who knew! Good luck. I know what you're going through. Just don't call them adult diapers. Call them pantexes. (wink)

Have you tried pee pads for the mattress and the floor?
3 Pack Washable Underpads for Bed - Ultra Soft Incontinence Bed Pee Pads Waterproof Mattress Pad Cover for Baby and Adults,18"X24" https://a.co/d/6ntSEip
My mom can’t wear depends either and we keep this on top of her mattress in case she has an accident. You can throw it right in the washing machine. Maybe you can put it on the floor next to her as well. I don’t think the underside is slippery but you need to check for a fall risk.

She may be waiting to long to get up and use the commode. Particularly if it is painful for her to get up and she is slow to do so.
Get her on a shorter schedule so she has more time to get up and position herself.
Placing disposable pads on the floor might be risky particularly if she is unsteady. The underside of the pad is a more slick, nonabsorbent layer and that can slide on the floor.
I would get one of the runners or "plastic" pieces they put under office chairs, some of them have grippy bits on the back so they do not slide on carpet so if there is carpet that would be ideal. The surface can be wiped down and if it is large enough it will not run off before it can be wiped up.
There are tools that make pulling up underwear and pants easier just do a quick search for "assistive device to help pull up pants"

My mom was not recovering from any type of medical procedures or falls but she resisted the pads and pullups. She and my Pop were sleeping in their birthday suits so it was a big shift (for both of them) for my mom to start wearing pullups. Every morning there would be a trail of pee-drops from the bed to the bathroom that I could see on their bedroom floor. To our surprise, she eventually recognized her need for pads and pullups and has been wearing both for months.

My mom isn't at a stage where I need to "pitch her a hard ball" and suggest a nursing home as a form of behavior modification. (Thank Goodness!) I hope your mom recognizes your love for her. God bless you for trying to a find a way to take good care of your mom even when she is protesting what's in her best interest. It isn't easy. It looks like you're doing a great job.

They make incontinence underwear that are like diapers and have side tabs for on and off. You can stress that it’s just until she can start putting pants on and get to the bathroom if she’s hesitant because they are so much like diapers.

We put disposable bed pads all around the bed side commode. But we were also there every time she got up for safety .

Ps. If the adult diaper is wet just snip it off with a pair of scissors that way she doesn't have to pull them off. That is what we do. Easy peasy. Of course the scissors are stored in a safe spot and the diaper is pulled down away from her skin.

Rub her nose in it and paddle her with a news paper....

If she she can't put on diapers then put pads down on the floor that is what I would do.
I'm just interjecting levity in. I've taken care of my chronically ill mother since 2004 so I find humor helps.

Blue pads are my best friend. They help in so many situations.
These are the ones we use. You can get thicker and bigger ones.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B006M5ZC5A?psc=1&ref=ppx_yo2ov_dt_b_product_details


You might consider putting plastic runners or matt on the flooring under that? Saves the floor and helps cleanup.
Most importantly love on her and tell her that you do. That's the best medicine in the world. You will be glad you did.

No pads or NH needed. I found numerous plastic collection receptacles online last year, cheap, effective, user-friendly, molded to the female shape, and overall looks like a garden watering can minus the spout. I got a dainty container, fitted, you sit on edge of bed, or even stand, holding it under you snugly, then pee. It is spill resistant. Empty it later. I looked for my container so I could share the mfr., but probably just from China. I'm sorry I could not locate the link just now, but when I searched last year, I saw numerous versions of this. I just searched Amazon now and didn't find it. Meanwhile: Create a DIY modified repurposed milk carton, cardboard or plastic, that can be grasped. Have a nearby surface to place it on. Have options -- get a couple bedpans, different styles. There is the more expensive and cumbersome Pure-Wick system. (she probably won't like it). And female urine collection containers (plastic) in the bedpan category. The above suggestions are really great tips to have in your portfolio! Hope she gets better soon. PS - I'd also search for nightgowns that might have wetness absorbancy in the back for accidents and leaks.

Tough problem…A towel or pad on the floor may cause another fall. Try a thin incontinence pad in her usual undies. {not the thick overnight ones}. My mom finds them comfortable.. Good luck

Until you find a solution to keep mom from peeing on the floor, I recommend you put down a big disposable under pad at her feet before getting her up. That way her pee will be on the pad and not the floor making it wet and slippery. Is the commode right next to the bed? Put a big pad under/infront of it, too, to catch spilled urine. Also, make sure she doesn't trip on the pad either. I know, I know. More work, but less mess.

The normal thing is to remove all her ‘normal’ underwear and replace it with depends. No choice.

Keep it simple.

Either it's use a pull-up until regular underwear can be used again, or recover in a nursing home.

There's no reason why you should have to be mopping up urine from your floors and doing non-stop laundry. A pull-up would solve this problem.

Pull-up or a nursing home.

Trust me, she'll choose the pull-up.