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My parents are in their 80s. My dad is still doing well but my mother is memory impaired. I think my dad will need help with her but is too proud to allow me to help although I keep offering. The issue is that my youngest brother is 47 years old and has never worked. My parents have always paid his bills. He does not have a disability that I think would qualify for any social security or such. He just feels entitled to have them support him, he has a PhD in Philosophy and has an attitude that he is "above" the working world. His obnoxious personality has precluded him working in academia and that is all he is technically qualified for other than low level jobs he considers himself too good for.


My parents seem to see themselves as immortal. They haven't prepared a will or any provision for my brother after death. They seem to have the attitude that there is plenty of time for that but I don't think so.


Does anyone have advice on how to proceed with this? I'd like to get my parents to set things up so that my brother gets some kind of annuity so he doesn't get a big inheritance and blows it all fast leaving him homeless. Since this situation has gone one so long, I don't think they should plan on leaving money to anyone else.


Currently they own a home worth about 500k which they plan to sell for their own eldercare, other than that there isn't much.

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I’m sorry that I’m not sure how to guide you...but I hear elder law attorneys set up what is called a “Special Needs Trust “ . Somewhere along the way, he lost direction & his ambition. Parents didn’t give him ultimatum. Is he parents caregiver? Can he get paid through CDPAP program to be his parents caregiver? I’m giving you some ideas but I’m not really sure. He needs professional help to get motivated & also could use help updating resume. Atty can also put house in Trust so Medicaid can’t count it...I wish I had better answers....
Hugs 🤗
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worriedinCali Oct 2019
The brother doesn’t have special needs. He has a learning disability and nothing else. He lives on his own. He’s not the parents caregiver. The OP has already updated since he originally post this in July
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You really need to talk to them about seeing an attorney to get their affairs in order and make the concern mostly about your brother. If this home continues to be the place where your brother lives and gets all of his room/board/misc, it is highly unlikely they will ever agree to sell the home because it would mean brother has no home any longer (in their minds). You could go over the 'what if's' with them so they can see if something happened right now and he got one chunk of money, he would end up homeless if he could not make the money last. Since your dad seems to still be with the here and now, have the conversation with him alone (if possible).
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disgustedtoo Oct 2019
It's not in the original post, but I believe brother lives in a house the parents bought, NOT in the house they live in. Original post does mention the plan to sell their house if they need to move to AL.

Agreed they need to get their "affairs" in order, but when you have tried multiple times (OP has) and they don't see the need "yet", what is the point of harping on it? Seems like some negative family vibes going on - can't change those either. Just brings more stress on you trying to get them to see the sense/need. At most I would perhaps try one more time, but then that's it. Leaving anything about yourself out of the picture, focus on their needs and how they plan to deal with brother's "needs." You can't make them do it. You can't change how they view things. If nothing changes, then just visit if/when you can/want, love them and leave them.
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I don't intend to sound mean but, it's not your problem or within your control. Let it go and just love them while you have them here.
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Dosmo13 Oct 2019
It sounds so simple...not your problem, not within your control. But this n'er do-well brother is not going to quietly disappear as soon as your parents die. I'm sure you might hope and expect that he would, but he won't. He's more likely to still be expecting what he feels the family somehow owes him.
You must formulate a continuing strategy now, on how to respond to what may become increasing demands on his part. He knew how to manipulate his parents...has practiced it for years...and he's obviously very intelligent. Is he a drug user (and did his parents hide this out of shame? I'm just wildly guessing). If so, he could become truly dangerous to you and others. Just how MIGHT he react if he cannot get his way? Above all, you must present a united front. At all costs, avoid inconsistent responses to him.

Sorry to present such a scary scenario. But I would hate to see you caught off guard.
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Life may be preparing a huge butt kick to your brother!

If not disabled, so be it.

If disabled, a sit-down chat with Dad & professional advice, legal, social work etc.

If your parents are massive enablers, unwilling to make plans & expect you to step into their boots - I do feel for you. That pressure is mine & I am seeking councelling to assist.

You sound like a caring soul. I am glad you have started to get help - it may be a long or short road but you want to be still walking along as your parents age & health changes, not crushed under a steamroller your brother will drive over you.
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I’m going to share something that I have learned with CERTAINTY this last year. I’m 48 almost 49 and this has made a HUGE difference in my growth as a person.

You ready? Here it is.

Never take on the emotional work someone else didn’t do and allow it to become your burden.
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Beatty Aug 2019
YES YES YES x 1 quiliion
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I would like to add something here that may have been said but if so, I missed it. I am a firm believer and have had life's experiences and I have seen so much, my brain is stunned at the foolishness and lack of concern and preparation by people. Here is my take on this. When you have parents or other family members, regardless of the relationship status between all of you, each person with an ounce of common sense MUST prepare for the future by keeping their affairs in good shape and current and making their wishes known, drawing up proper paperwork, etc. The trouble is that many people for some unknown reason just simply refuse to do this - so nothing gets done. The other family members can try to correct that status but no matter what is done, nothing happens. I believe when this happens there is only ONE solution. If no action is taken and won't be taken, then you MUST WALK AWAY. I know that is hard if you love someone but you can't make them do things and you can't fix things. So, YOU will suffer because YOU will have to deal with the fall-out and why should if they don't do their part. Leave, go on with YOUR life. It is NOT your problem - it is THEIR PROBLEM.
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I'm 52 years old and I've had multiple job offers in the last two years. Age is an excuse. I'm not saying that some employers don't discriminate against age - it does happen- but it's also still possible to find employers who do not care about age. Age is also a frame of mind. He is perfectly capable of getting a job if he is motivated, has a good attitude, appears professional and keeps his skills up-to- date. But if he feels "too good" for the academic setting, why doesn't he freelance? Become a freelance writer or researcher or author. With the Internet, anything is possible. If he wants to work, there is a way. My guess is he doesn't want to work at all, which leaves me wondering what he does all day? Play video games? Watch TV? That's sad and depressing. It could be that your brother has never been forced to take care of himself so he's never needed to be motivated. The fear of starving or being homeless is what motivates most people to go earn an income. For most of us over a certain age, our parents expected us to work and be out of the house by the time we graduated high school or college. And we WANTED TO, many times because our parents were too strict and we wanted our freedom. It sounds like your parents created a nice, easy environment for him that was too good to leave.

We may be faced with a similar issue in my family - a freeloading member living with an elderly parent. When the time comes, her house will be sold and that individual will have to fend for themselves. It's a simple as that. Whatever profit comes from the house is supposed to be split among siblings but there are seven sibs and the house is in awful condition so there won't be much to split.

I agree with others here that you have no obligation to your sibling. He had one job to do and that was to take care of himself as an adult. If he is mentality and physically capable, there is no excuse for not supporting himself financially.
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1. Brother NOT your responsibility. My experience as follows. My brother was living on the back porch of my parents house. Long story short, when I moved back to state they live in, I had alot of cleaning up to do including bills etc. Finally got brother out of thier lives for a few years until he got sober. Which took many years, but to protect my parents he had to be gone! He went through struggles including homeless and we had to left him hit rock bottom so he had no way to go but up. (So much craziness. .could write a book )
2.Need a trust ASAP. ..focus only on parents!!! Need something very soon while has some lucid moments to sign. Get on top of parents medical. Call all doctors ,financial institutions, etc. If you really want to help you, have to commit to it. They need help.
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Regarding your brother I think he’s lucky to have a kind sibling thinking of him at such a time.

I got my parents talking about wills, POA, and what they wanted when I told them I wanted to do mine. It broke down that wall of don’t discuss such things. Or the “not yet syndrome” I was fortunate enough to be caring for an uncle who’s own Will was so out of date he was leaving money to 3 people who had already died - which also helped them realise the importance of doing one and checking it regularly.

Since that might not be an option - could you suggest that you’d like to know their wishes since they are in their 80’s - what they want finance and health wise should they suddenly become ill. Remember to mention that wills and POA’s are about ensuring their wishes are carried out rather than decided by a court because they hadn’t made it legally binding.

They should be very proud of you, you are thoughtful and compassionate
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enderby Aug 2019
Great point about starting the discussion about wills, etc with your own arrangements. We were able to bring it up with my parents in the same way.
One point - My wife and I were in charge of everything for all four parents who passed in the last four years. All were a little different for arrangements (annuities, insurance, IRAs, wills, trusts, joint survivorship accounts). By far the easiest to handle is the trust, even though we were pretty lucky with the wills. Wills seem to be more like suggestions which can take a lot of time and effort to resolve. Especially if they are contested. Trusts are a little pricey up front, but are by far the best. Lots of misconceptions about trusts. I am not a lawyer, but I had to deal with all combinations of arrangements in the last four years.
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If your parents won't consider making out a will or setting up an estate plan, that may be the best plan for your situation. When both parents are gone, their assets will be divided evenly amoung the three heirs. Everyone goes their separate ways. Your responsibility is to yourself and not your brothers. Is that too simplistic, or am I missing something here?
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"Currently they own a home worth about 500k which they plan to sell for their own eldercare" - don't forget all the costs involved in selling a home - staging and repairs before sale, then closing costs, commissions, taxes (possibly capital gains), etc. They won't end up with 500K. Just something to keep in mind.
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In addition to the other comments, esp Countrymouse's suggestion to send a letter explaining/suggesting what needs to be done and perhaps explicitly saying you are not expecting anything from them, they need to consider these situations:

1) if mom needs extra care, such as MC or NH, it will deplete their assets
2) if dad becomes ill or dies, mom will need a LOT of care sooner, depeleting assets even faster
3) if the plan is to sell the house so they can pay for AL/MC/NH, that WILL get sucked down quickly, especially if it isn't properly invested in a trust - there may BE no inheritance to worry about for Blunder Boy
4) if they die with no will before or after the house is sold (if there ARE still assets), it can take TWO YEARS or sometimes even MORE for it to all get through probate courts, so BLUNDER BOY will have NOTHING coming in for all that time.

Get dad to understand the issues at hand, which only impact him, your mom and your brother, if that's how they want it. THEN wash your hands of the whole business.

You have no obligation to care for a grown-*ss man. While it is nice of you to want to help your parents, despite their behavior towards you when suggesting they stop enabling him, you also have no real obligation to help them. You have offered, you can try making a final plea via a written letter, but there's no point to fretting or worrying about their situation if they are not willing to work with you.

As for Blunder Boy, if his thought process is so godly, perhaps it can pay his bills and feed him!!!
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enderby Aug 2019
Agree, except a couple of issues. A trust is not an investment. Putting assets in a trust will protect them from probate, and can make things a lot cheaper and smoother in case of a death. The main purpose is to handle the house, bank accounts, cars, and other assets. The will would then cover minor things like furniture. Nothing really changes while both parents are living with the trust.
Trusts are not only for the wealthy, but expect to pay $3k to draw one up.
A good elder attorney can give the best options for your state. You are right that getting the parents to do something is the hard part.

You are so right about washing your hands after that. Your own marriage and kids should not suffer.
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IMHO, GardenArtist was spot on!
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There is more than Sonny to worry about. $500k, if that much can be realized on the sale, would not support them in Eldercare particularly if Mother's memory problems become dementia requiring nursing care. What happens if Dad goes first? How much is Mom left with and where would she live? Are they living on their pensions and Social Security now, and what happens to those income sources? I don't see any way that they could keep paying Sonny's expenses. I must admit I don't know how they are making ends meet now unless Dad is working still, or has an outside income. They could take a reverse mortgage on the house which would be in Dad's name, but if he dies that mortgage is due and payable and the house is lost. There appear to be too many 'What if's' and unknowns and I don't believe I can offer any advice.
Sorry!
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Kft, your profile says that you have a conflict problem with your mother, who you say has an impaired memory. One approach to this situation could be to talk to your father about the situation if he were to die first, suddenly from a heart attack. At present with no will, he will die intestate. I don’t know the law where you are (and probably neither he nor you do either), but normally if the house is in joint names, mother will automatically own it on his death. If not, everything in his estate falls into the intestacy, where the usual split is half to the spouse and the other half divided equally between the children. This usual split can be changed by the court, in the same way and on the same grounds that a will can be challenged by someone who wants additional consideration.

Without your father’s care, your mother will be unable to deal with the house sale, will presumably need to go to a facility almost immediately, and will start incurring the massive bills we all know so well. Her needs may well be treated by the court as needing more immediate consideration than those of your brother – he would probably need that ‘autism’ diagnosis to get much sympathy from the court. Your brother’s fraction to be inherited by the usual rules won’t amount to much anyway.

So you can put it to your father that if he were to die suddenly and unexpectedly, your mother would be in a complete mess and your brother would be in trouble too. He shouldn’t want to plunge the whole family into a complex court case in addition to grief for him, serious problems in caring for your mother’s needs, family stress in clearing out the house, and no considered provision at all for your brother. His pride about caring for your mother might be enough to get him to go to a lawyer, if only to check out whether you are telling him is right. (And this would be the exact truth in many if not most jurisdictions, other than those based on community property.)

Perhaps you could copy this into a letter, saying this is what you have been told by a lawyer somewhere else (true). It is a good statement of the ‘big problem’ he is setting up. Good luck!
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It sounds to me like the brother has a personality disorder or some kind of mental illnes. I doubt that he has autism.
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TaylorUK Aug 2019
Doesn't sound in anyway autistic, nor as if he has a personality disorder - although so many years of his behaviour may have pushed him into one, sounds like he has sussed a way to be supported whilst he sits on his arse - which if house is sold for elder care he will find sitting in a gutter somewhere, unless his very reasonable sounding sister is daft enough to feel a responsibility and take him in.
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kft4502, I read your post yesterday, thought about it a lot, and decided to offer my opinion and experience, with qualifications:

1.  I haven't read all the posts here but skimmed through some of them.
2.  I write from personal experience as well as that of others who've addressed similar problems.
3.  It is not my intention to be rude or critical, but to offer insights into directions different from those (a) I would have taken a few years ago, and (b) which are based on experience of others in a situation like this.

I've become aware of people who may be geniuses or extremely smart in their own rights, but incapable of functioning as self sustaining or self sufficient individuals.    They may have eidactic memories, they may be brilliant, but they often have other qualities that act against even modestly functioning in society.

a.    They believe, and may be, geniuses.    But their arrogant attitude and condescension of others prevents them from getting and keeping jobs, and getting along with others.

b.   They are absolutely resolute  in their superiority and completely unwilling to consider that anyone can offer them advice or insight equal to or superior than their own. 

c.    They often direct their contempt toward women, including family members, and co-workers.

d.    They are unwilling to change.

e.    They can't get along with co-workers because others are so "stupid." 

f.     Although I don't know what the mental health issues might be of these people, there's one overriding attitude:  they don't need to change b/c  they're sooooo smart, they're right and others are wrong.

g.   They either legitimately can't change, or don't feel it necessary.   I have no medical or scientific support for this, but I think the mental balance is high on the brilliant side and low if not non-existent on the practical side.   Some of these guys are literally geniuses, but they can't even  manage their own income.  

g.    So it's useless to think that any changes are possible.   And that includes caring for older parents, treating siblings respectfully, supporting themselves, pulling their own weight, or contributing to family activities.  

It's better for siblings to recognize this and don't consider trying to rehab them, or expect them to think rationally and take care of themselves. 

Estate planning:  they will expect to get as much as they can, w/o contributing anything, including care to the parents.      One way to address this is to structure a trust that does NOT provide them any cash, but pays funds on their mortgage, or utility bills.  A trustee should handle this, and a good trust attorneys can set this up.  Keep control of asses away from them. 

This may be the best way to approach your parents, i.e., caring for this son after they're gone.  Create the mechanisms now so they're in place when your parents are gone.

The men will not be grateful though.  Don't expect any gratitude.    And you may wish to sever relations after your parents are gone.     Otherwise, you'll be stuck caring for someone who is used to relying on others to provide support for him.   

I don't think these kinds of brilliant but impractical people are practically capable of caring for themselves, so this should be the focus of estate planning.   A trust can ration disbursements, but when the financial assets run out, these individuals are going to have to fend for themselves.   And that's NOT your problem, even if this man is your brother.  

Regardless of how much you try to help, you'll never be able to meet your brother's desires.   Recognize that, and move on when you're ready.  Otherwise, obligations will be a noose around your neck. 

And he is NOT your responsibility.    While it's understandable that you are concerned for a sibling, recognize that this would be for the rest of your life, since he's also being enabled when people reach out to provide the care and support he's unwilling or unable to provide for himself.   
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TaylorUK Aug 2019
I too have lived with that type of person, my father, and a next door neighbour,my younger son's best friend. It does not mean they cannot get a job it simply means someone has to kick them, guide them, and keep them on the path "normal" people can cope with. It is true that the only job they may be able to hold down will be well below their capabilities, and they may think others stupid and not worth their time, but that doesn't mean one has to let the get away with not doing anything. I understand what you are saying but you are making excuses for them to avoid all social responsibilities. They may be unwilling or think they cannot change but I assure you a few weeks on the street has a remarkable effect on how much better than others the think they are. My father (genius level Asperger) was lucky, he ended up working in a one man research lab at Oxford university. The neighbour who had two degrees from Oxford worked as a car sales man (unfortunately he also had anger problems, beat his wise and punched my two year old giving him a black eye - nasty piece of work but capable of working). The son's friend used his eidetic memory to gain his first and Masters degrees and now spends his life making comic animated cartoons - not very successful but has a job. These people are not incapable of working but they do need to find a niche which suits them - something that takes effort and support, not sitting on the porch getting drunk.
Accept they exist but don't make excuses for them to do nothing.
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Funny thing, we had the same odd dynamic in our family. For some reason, everyone seemed to think my parents were obligated to support my jobless brother. When I stepped in to help my mother, I was treated to rants and threats of lawsuit because I wasn't also helping a medically and emotionally fit 47 year old man. He managed (quelle surprise!) to pull it together and get a job when it became clear Mom would no longer be sending him thousand dollar checks each month. Happily that was a court ordered thing because my syblings, to this day, believe he had some sort of right to financial support. Families have their own little mythologies and there isn't any sense to them. If I were you, I'd hear the advice you are getting on this board and cut the brother loose. It's for his own good.
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worriedinCali Aug 2019
That is so true about family dynamics! My MIL enabled my BIL for 18+ years and while she never implied or suggested that my husband should help him out financially (probably because my husband DID help him once & he got screwed over & said NEVER AGAIN) but she did expect us all to give him things. She felt that if he needed help, she was obligated to help him. My SIL used to go along with it but then she did start to complain that BIL “always got a free ride”. But now that MIL is gone, she’s taken over MILs role. He’s moving in with her (if he hasn’t already) and she’s the one constantly stuck watching his kid. My parents have never expected me to do anything for my brother and I’m thankful for that. Everyone has been telling my mom for years that she needs to practice tough love & kick him out but she refuses, she’s always got an excuse. My dad would have kicked him out years ago if it wasn’t for my mom. My brother is incredibly hostile and he is just like my dad, he is hard headed and doesn’t listen. His way is the right way. So they butt heads all the dang time! My dad just pulled out his yearly lump sum from his retirement account and he wanted to give my brother half ($5k) to move out. But that’s not a smart move either because they would have to co-sign on an apartment and they would be hit financially when the money runs out and he stops paying his rent! The only way this would work is if my brother gets a job first. And maybe rents a room somewhere & builds his credit so he doesn’t need a co-signor. I can’t imagine having family members who thought I should take care of my brother! The nerve of some people. I would ask them why don’t they step up and take care of him themselves!
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Brother--your bother will not qualify for SSDI Disability if he has not worked.
Disability works as an insurance, meaning FICA in layman's terms works as payment towards the premium.Never worked = SSI, which is asset based for eligibility.

Your parents will be advised to move their primary home into an irrevocable trust, or minimally deed it to all of the siblings, whilst retaining rights to live inside that home, while they're alive.

Since your youngest brother is renting, ask your parents why they aren't paying his rent towards a mortgage, with the house deeded in an irrevocable trust with all of the offspring as beneficiaries, to keep that house out of their "estate" to qualify them for Medicaid when they need a nursing home.

A nursing home will get everything, of that 500k, which is normal for U.S. retirement plans Overseas, Brits are allowed to pass their stuff onto the next generation while receiving government assistance, to hopefully keep the next generation off the doles (welfare).

500k will pay for a few years, since $10,000/month is a typical monthly nursing home charge. Which equates to to Medicaid, as the payer for their end-time inside a nursing home. Which will best occur inside a nursing home with both private and medicaid payers.

As you mentioned your parents are not considering real-life factors, and have created a man-child, who needs to be assessed for Asperger's, if he is mentally challenged then he might qualify for something, which might open-up eligibility for placement into an institution (Kennedy eradicated those in the 60s, due to the abuse his sister endured). Otherwise, you have a hot mess unfolding and will need to consult with your other siblings and possibly have your parents declared mentally "incapacitated," so their best interests can be collectively addressed.
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TaylorUK Aug 2019
Actually we can keep £23,500 the rest has to be used to pay for care at home or in a home.
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If you can get him assessed as disabled and unable to handle his own affairs, is it possible he may get qualified for placement into a group home? It would involve being declared disabled, going through medical and psychological assessments, Social Security system, Medicaid and other entities as the case progressed. If he lived in a group home, he may also be able to get Medicaid paid transportation to doctor appointments.
A hypothetical game plan: A) do not consult with parents at all. B) Schedule a free consult with a disability-focused lawyer C) Schedule a free consult with elder care/probate lawyer in the county in which your brother would actually live. D) Drop by a Social Security office, take a number, enter into the sign-in machine (looks like voting machine), put your reason for visit as "Representative Payee" - in case he does later get qualified as disabled. You aren't applying as RP, but want an explanation of what is needed for your brother. E) Go to your local bank - preferable where you already hold your own accounts and will be recognized by the staff F) Ask what trusts or accounts are offered for persons declared unable to manage their own money - you're not signing up for anyone, just seeking information. G) Talk with as many of these community entities prior to seeing the attorneys. You will be better prepared as to what questions to ask.
H) If your brother actually has any paper documentation of any type, gather it up (perhaps when he's not looking) and store it for safe-keeping. You've already explained you can not depend on your family to help with any of this work.

This will be a job getting him qualified and enrolled in whatever programs may suit his needs. Buy yourself some office supplies to organize information and documents. Keep a separate log or folder for contacts. Do not show these documents/notes to anybody except the requesting agency or bank.

After you have done all of this and any additional, you can set the stage as to what/where you will/won't help in the process. There are often annual renewal routines that you may participate in - if you so choose.

There are monthly, quarterly, or annual meetings where family input is preferred - but not required. If you're more pro-active for the first year or two, it puts his providers on notice that family is, basically, monitoring the situation. It communicates to the agencies they have someone to account to. It mostly results in your brother getting better care than if he is being dumped by family. So if you want the best for your brother, that's something to consider.

Did your parents ever buy him an individual private-pay health insurance plan or did he apply on the Obama exchange? A package plan - securing a health/psychology assessment as a starting point. If he was/is ever hospitalized insurance will be a primary focus. Once declared disabled, employment training of some type can be explored. For a starter, don't focus on his working - it won't happen until he is stabilized, one way or another.
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my2cents Aug 2019
You cannot get Obama care if you have zip on income. You have to have income of some kind.
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You are not obligated to care for your brother when your parents die and you're not obligated to care for him right now. Have that uncomfortable talk with your parents. Let them know that when they die, you will not take care of your brother. Simply state that the money you make is for you and your bills and not enabling his sorry ass to not get a job. If your parents end up in a nursing home, there will not be a whole lot of cash left over, if any.
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I'm in a slightly similar situation with my Aunt. She lives with my mother. Honeslty, I asked my mom to put money in her will for my aunt to move out... I told her to take it out of my inheritance if she had to... My reason was that my aunt lived with my grandmother and it was very difficult to get her out of the house when my grandma passed away. We sold the house, but she would not move out. It was a mess...If your brother has a bit of money with the condition to get out of the house, it will be so much eaiser then getting the courts involved with an eviction process. Other than that... Don't worry about your brother, there is nothing you can do.
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TXGirl82 Aug 2019
I think that the brother doesn't live with the parents. His parents pay his rent.
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I would speak to a certified elder law attorney--not just a regular attorney. The attorney could evaluate the situation and devise a plan. The attorney may even be able to give some advice on how to approach the subject, of the need to plan for the future, with your parents (dad). Then if your dad and you meet with the attorney, dad may agree to the plan because it is coming from a "professional". I have done something similar and I can't tell you the sense of relief I feel knowing things are being taken care of properly for my parents. My parents understand what is being done and why and how it benefits not only them, but their kids. After breaking through talking about the initial taboo topic of money, my parents couldn't be happier now.
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worriedinCali Aug 2019
Again why should the OP meet with a lawyer? She/he has absolutely no say in this and doesn’t have access to the financials so there is nothing for the lawyer to look at.
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Wow, a horror story. What a horrible story. First of all, shame on all three of them. Your parents who refuse to accept reality and what life is all about and for letting your brother get away with this behavior. And shame on your brother. I know you probably care about your parents, but your brother is another story. First I would seek advice from the professionals in situations like this. If you can, get them to make a will and get a power of attorney. If that won't work, and there is no will, the state you live in will decide who gets what money - they decide - no one else without a written will. Second, YOU owe absolutely nothing to your brother and you would be a fool to be in any way involved or do anything. Don't do it. The only thing you could do is see medically now if there is some problem with him but don't count on any cooperation in which case you tried but then walk away. Third, I would have one final talk with my father and see if you can get anything accomplished. If not, be strong - WALK AWAY. Sometimes that is the ONLY way to make people do what they are supposed to do and if they still don't, you are not going to be around to suffer and pay for their problems. You do NOT deserve that. Take care of yourself and let them be dammed if they are so dam stupid.
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Screennamed Aug 2019
Riley2166 ---The parents sound similar to my parents who were raised within a crazy weird-wealthy mentality --from the gold-backed currency days--- that hasn't been workable/applicable since forever.

The wealthy in past generations would pay for their unmarried offspring's life (usually by keeping them in graduate or law school), whilst training/brainwashing that off-spring to think that obtaining/finishing their education was the only solution to life, yet what to do after that education is never technically discussed.

It doesn't make sense since it's so harmful especially since employment is never discussed outside of classic lawyer or banking positions ...while not advising their offspring how to obtain a law degree or their-suitable positions, which usually = obtained via networking or family connections.

This insane way of thinking brainwashes their off-spring into thinking regular employment is beneath them and to equating employment in any non-legal non-financial-position as being a failure.

Unfortunately failure is the ultimate thing to avoid, due to it being grounds for parental hatred towards their off-spring.

If he does land a job, he will be surprised with its rewards. If he were to be fired you can bet that he has been taught that filing for unemployment equates to being a failure at life, as is joining a union,etc.

In the real world without trusts etc. The brother evolves into being a "pompus" unemployable dbag. Unless he somehow gets mingled into the realm of decent hardworking people who are willing to undo those teachings, he's never going to change. He must surround himself with diversity in thinking most importantly decent real-world thinking

Riley2166, your post is more helpful, I just thought I would mention past generational bs-thinking is likely the source as to why her brother thinks as he does. It's a thinking that, since forever, has failed to benefit anyone, yet still exists; as you wrote it's a horror show. It truly is a horror show.

Is it the parents fault for living/teaching what they were taught works best?
I don't know, it's how they were raised, but it ruins lives. Anderson Cooper is one of the few who survived, yet he was raised by an artist and financially backed throughout his career while told to "follow your bliss," meaning Cooper could fail outside the wealthy bubble, with few worries (eviction, repossession, foreclosure, etc).

Obtaining a law degree is the best career plan for his personality; he still has time to take the LSAT and submit applications. Suggest that idea to the parents, with examples of previous wealthy families encouraging their sons to practice law, who eventually become judges, giving prominence to the family name.(appealing to their generation is best through examples of status).

thus far he did what many do, who are raised within that type of setting = obtain a PhD .... or other philosophy based degrees. Which vocationally are worthless, he likely didn't attempt the LSAT, or know to seek a law degree.

OP-Brother has been indoctrinated into old past generational thinking. Which sucks for the OP who was likely ignored or encouraged to get married (prior generational-solution for getting offspring settled).

Thankfully the OP got away, and needs to EXIT away from her parents and brother. OP must cut ties with them to protect herself from their bs, which will never change.

The father won't tell her anything, because he's a dbag too, likely who got his opportunities through his father through generational connections.

Asperger's might be the brother's thing, which wasn't considered as vocationally detrimental, until recently.
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Please do not use autism as an excuse for not working. While it can cause issues with people skills, autism is a developmental disability. Just because an autistic struggles with development (especially social), it does not mean they cannot develop at all. When you are 18 years old, but socially 10, it is a problem. But if you are 47 and socially 25 it is not really much of an issue. We know many true autistics working a wide variety of jobs. We also know some who must be cared for, but they are not capable of working because of retardation (70% of autistics).
Autism does not prevent learning. Since your brother is capable of learning, he should be capable of learning enough people skills to work a job.
I have a son who was diagnosed at 3, and not mild. He had no meaningful speech until 5. He is now 29 and makes more money than his mother. He is somewhat lazy outside of work, but that is the fault of his parents (us), not autism.
On the other hand my educated SIL is too good for a job. She makes some money at a side business, but has always been propped up by Mom and Dad. Now they are gone, and much of her inheritance is gone in supporting her lifestyle. I am just hoping she does not show up at our door in need.
I think she probably resents that we have enough money, but it was our choice to live below our means. We have a trust for our children when we pass. We have money to take care of ourselves when we are older.
If your children are set, think of your own future next. You are not your brother's keeper.
A trust can be set up with someone else in charge when the parents pass. Make sure they understand the trust can also protect the remaining spouse should the other pass first, and will shield inherited money from probate and taxes. This is routine business for elder attorneys.
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desert192 Aug 2019
Another plus for trust - while both parents are living - how is house title held - joint tenancy, etc. If Mom is declared incompetent Dad would not be able to sell the house as Mom could not sign. Might be able to go to court for guardianship but costs $$ and you have to do court reports, etc.

With a trust if one of trustees becomes incapacitated for any reason - the other can step in and take care of financials - including getting the house sold or even just a line of credit on it. As well as take care of family business.

A trust keeps government out of your business (and government never works for nothing). In their trust they can do a "special needs trust" for brother - would have to be "IF" there is anything left goes to him - perhaps with a fiduciary over the funds and dole it out as needed.

Otherwise I agree with others - this is your parent mess - if they don't fix it - don't get into it yourself or involve your family in it. You've done the right things with your family. They now need to fix their mess.
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Well...HE sounds like a Brilliant Philosopher! He has work/life balance all figured out. No jobs for philosophers or poets, eh?? To be Fair, back in the 1960s, most folks could get a well-paying Union Sinecure and make decent money. NO more. So-my philosophy is to avoid fast food restaurants as much as possible. The employees don't even get tips there. If we stop eating out from April-September of 2020, we can tank the Economy and defeat Trump.
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katiekat2009 Aug 2019
The plan is to RE-ELECT Trump! Trump 2020!!
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Everyone here has already said most of what I planned to say. You have no obligation to support your brother. You say he is not disabled but simply refuses to work due to his arrogance and entitlement. Well, he is not entitled to have you support him after your parents death. And so what if he blows through anything they leave him? Maybe then he'll enter the real world. Where does he plan to live once they sell the house. I don't think he'll be allowed to move into assisted living with them. My suspicion is that your parents don't have a lot beside their home because he is siphoning money from them already. At least with no will, any money left will be divided by the court. With a will they could leave it all to him and nothing to you.
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JoAnn29 Aug 2019
He lives on his own and parents support that.
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Explain to them how much harder, and costly it will be for you and your siblings If they do not prepair now. My parents didn't want to see the goverment get any more then necessary. If possible have them pre- pay for their funeral. That's a hard one.
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Screwed your lazy, good for nothing brother! He sounds like a POS.
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TaylorUK Aug 2019
Yippee for support of the mentally disabled - lets label them all when no diagnosis has been made. This is the most ignorant post on this thread and helps the OP not a jot. Until there is a medical assessment of brother no one can know if he has problems leading to how he is or not - hope you never have a LO with mental issues to look after because clearly you will simply have them out on the street.
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If you cannot persuade them to make a will, you are in for a long hard road. If there is another sibling that wants to take this on...I would let them have it!!
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