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Gus, here's the question.

Can dad live alone at the "ranch" without destroying YOUR life and health?

Remember, what YOU want and need matters here.

My mom wanted to age at home. But when, 3 days in a row, she called me at work and said "I need you", I had to have a hard conversation with her.

"Mom, I can't keep doing this".

Mom-"what is "this" that you can't keep doing?"

Racing from deep in Brooklyn to Westchester County, blowing off work and family commitments to get here to find that youanxious about something.

Mom-is that so hard? I'm your mother.

Mom, I'm going to lose my job and my career and my home.

My mother had NO CLUE that all this "coming" was a big deal. A stroke had caused some cognitive changes that none of us had recognized. She wasn't seeing the big picture anymore.

I said no, I wasn't going to keep rushing to her side. My brothers also told her "no dice". She went to a great Independent Living place and thrived there.

Gus, stand up for your own life. Set limits and boundaries. Dad may need to go to AL.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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They trust you.

Perhaps they have had some concerns over other family members. Maybe it’s just a “feel.”

I did not believe my parents when they told me about predatory behavior by other “trusted” family members. That is, until I witnessed it for myself.

If you feel you need help, hire help. (The hired help was more effective and trustworthy than family— and “less expensive” in more ways than one!)
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Reply to ACaringDaughter
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My YB who was mom's POA took it to mean he was the 'boss' of her. At first, she kind of rebelled, then she adapted to it and never made a decision without his 'go-ahead'. It was annoying for the rest of us who would have been happy to step in now and then and relieve some of his burden, and to have a chance to help mom, but the last 10 years of her life--it was all about him controlling her.

Even after she died, and the EXECUTOR took over (other YB) the POA could not be made to understand he'd basically 'lost' his job. The executor took all the pertinent documents to his home and has been settling out mother's small estate.

YB wanted to run mom's life. WANTED to. Most people don't even want to run their own lives, much less have to make decisions for someone who no longer can.

So in the end, YB is totally exhausted and worn out. He didn't need to be. He had plenty of offers and mother had money for in home care. He would not allow it.
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Reply to Midkid58
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POA does not mean "hands-on care taker.". You may need to make the arrangements for shopping, physical care, finances etc, but you do not have to do these things yourself.
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Reply to RedVanAnnie
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As POA it is your job to arrange everything for them when, and only when, they become incapacitated. It is your job to find them appropriate care, not provide it for them. They can ask anyone for help, just as you can.

I am having a hard time understanding your question and what the implications of it are. It almost sounds s if you think that you will be responsible for personally handling their care, being the hands on caregiver. That is definitely not the case.
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Reply to gladimhere
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You need to explain what your parents think ur duties are. Is your POA Immediate or you need a Doctor saying ur parents are no longer competent to invoke it. Do you have POA for each of them?

So many people think POA means they are incharge, not so. You are a representative of that person. POA does not mean you are at that person's beck and call or have agreed to be their Caregiver. Its a tool to be able to handle things for that person when they no longer are competent to do so. Basically, financially. Read your POA and see what it lists as your responsibility.

Immediate means as soon as the POA is signed, you have the ability to help that person. Not take over but the ability. No doctors needed to invoke it. So, Dad needs help paying the bills, thats where u come in. He needs help in talking to a credit card company or utility company, you can talk to them. A POA is a tool. If Dad is capable of calling a Credit Card company or utilities, then he does it. Getting a repair man in, he does it. Mom needs something, Dad does it. POA should only be used when the person can't do for themselves. It does not make you their Caregiver but you can hire someone, on their dime, to care for them or place them. You can hire a cleaning lady, on their dime, to clean their house. POA does not mean you have to clean their house. You do not use any of your own money for their care or financial needs. When the money runs out, you find options but u should not be the option.

If the POA says a doctor or two needs to declare incompetence to invoke the POA, then you don't come into the picture until then. If Mom is incompetent, then you not Dad make the decisions for her. This does not mean Dad still cannot do for her.

Did you agree to be POA? If not, you could revoke it. Seems Dad is competent to assign someone else. Mom maybe not. Revoking hers would mean there is no one to make decisions for her. Even if you agreed, you can still revoke it.

Need more info on what they expect from you.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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So, there's Amazon. There's other delivery services. You don't have to do the schlepping.

AND not every "want" has to be fulfilled immediately. You can visit once a week with supplies.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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Just read you reply. This has nothing to do with being a POA, this has to do with being their child. If you were not POA , would you not be doing the same things?

If your family thinks this is part of being a POA, then you need to put them straight. If your parents are competent to reassign a POA, tell them you are stepping down. That the responsibility of having the responsibility of two people is too much. This is not what POA means.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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It doesn't really matter what the 'common mindset,' is - what matters is:
1) your legal responsibilities as outlined;
2) Knowing what you can / will do and can / won't do. Then:
3) Conveying to your parents the legal requirements (in layman's terms, nicely) and tell them what your boundaries are.
- If they do not understand, cease 'trying' to explain and do what you need to do, otherwise, you will be a rat on a maze / a broken record repeating yourself and exhausting yourself 'trying' to convince them to understand ... when they may not have the mental / psychological capacity to understand.
4) Next steps: enlist others (friends, family, church / volunteers) to support the care they need.

You must set limits / boundaries. Gena / Touch Matters
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Reply to TouchMatters
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Beatty Dec 3, 2022
Such good advice.

I did go mad. Attempted for a long time to convince.. what actually worked was putting in my own limits. Letting reality convince.
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When my mother had the stroke, I went to see her every day for six weeks. When she was moved to another hospital to a rehab center, I was there for her every other day for another six weeks. When rehabilitation was not progressing, we moved her into assisted living with the most care possible. She is unable to get out of bed herself, dress, shower and is incontinent. She finally understands that she cannot live with me because of these conditions. My dad fell and broke his nose and stayed with me for 10 days. They all think I am a saint for taking care of my parents but are not of the same level of compassion. I know how it feels to be left alone after divorcing after 23 years. She says that she always feels better when she sees me. I get her any extras that the facility does not supply. Some days she will call with a list of things that she "needs", like candy, cashews, hairspray, makeup, etc. Although I usually don't mind, I had a talk with her and told her I was getting fatigued. Maybe she could call her other children and talk with them. She says she can depend on me to do what I say I will do, it's just who I am. Recently she is complaining of pain, possibly neuropathy from the stroke, not sure. She is on medication for pain and I make sure that she gets it when she needs it, which wasn't happening. After a couple of discussions with the staff it may be under control now. It seems to be a constant watch to make sure they are doing what they say they will do for her. We had a family meeting not too soon after the stroke, and siblings made it known then that they would be very limited in their assistance. My sister told me that I need to cut the strings after I called and vented to her one evening. I don't think that is the answer, she is my mother.
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Reply to Gus2020DC
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CTTN55 Dec 2, 2022
"She is unable to get out of bed herself, dress, shower and is incontinent. "

That's a lot of conditions to still be in AL. She's at the highest level, you wrote. Will she move to a SNF on the same site after that?

It's interesting that your siblings don't want to be involved. Are you the youngest? Were you always the favorite child? Or did she for some reason groom you to be the one who would become her caregiver? It's especially surprising that your daughter didn't get it dumped on her, as all too often it is the daughters who are assumed will be the one the elders depend on.
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